


Powerless

by Perry_Downing



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Pain Train Rides Yet Again, F/M, Jealousy, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Pregnancy, Romance, So much angst, The Force needs to sit in the corner and think about what its done, Where the heck did all this fluff come from?, mention of rape but no one was or will be raped
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-13 20:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 130,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14120040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perry_Downing/pseuds/Perry_Downing
Summary: She looks down at the floor and whispers, “I’m pregnant.”There’s no thought as he rushes to her, towering over her smaller frame. He grabs her face and holds her firmly as he forces her eyes to his.“Whose is it?” he hisses. Mine, mine, it should have been mine!Her startled eyes go wide and fill with confusion.“Is it FN-2187’s?” he growls.She looks at him like he’s speaking Huttese.“Tell me!” Kylo bellows.He can barely hear her when she stutters out, “Y-yours.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wish to stress that no one was hurt in the making of this fic. It's all entirely based on logical conclusions in an illogical world. Our couple is already so far apart, why not make it worse?
> 
> Thank you so much for joining for another ride on the Ben Solo Pain Train, Express Line! Worry not, I will continue to update 'Unbidden' at least weekly. This fic just wouldn't shut up so I'll be updating 'Powerless' when I need a break from Darth Darcy. I hope you'll enjoy this little diversion from our regularly scheduled programing.
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare, my beloved alpha reader. She reads for content and flow, all typos are entirely my fault.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who listened to me plot out this whole fic, very very patiently.

“No, no that’s not possible,” she begs, shaking her head frantically. The droid has already repeated her diagnosis three times.

 

“I assure you, you _are_ pregnant. Approximately ten weeks,” the droid drones. Ten weeks … that’s when … no, she won’t think about _him_.

 

Rey backs away from the knowledge and the unfeeling hunk of metal that’s lying to her. It can’t be true. There’s no way it could be true. The back of her knees hit a gurney and she sits quickly, scrambling until she’s as far away from the medical droid as possible.

 

“No! Get me a doctor, a _real_ doctor, this isn’t happening!” Rey cries out. She’d fought so hard for so long to keep herself safe. This isn’t real. It can’t be.

 

The droid dutifully goes to fetch the supervising physician.

 

She’s curled up in a ball when Dr. Kalonia finds her.

 

“Rey?” the doctor calls cautiously.

 

Rey sits up, her face streaked with tears. Her eyes are huge and wet, filled with terror and hope. “Tell me it’s a mistake!” _It has to be a mistake._

 

“I ... I’ve reviewed the tests. I … I’m sorry, Rey, you are indeed pregnant.”

 

“No, I can’t be … I’ve never … I’ve never … done that.” Her hands flail and her cheeks flush.

 

Dr. Kalonia sighs heavily. “Rey … I know you haven’t had much in the way of medical care, perhaps you don’t really understands how this happens—”

 

“I know how babies are made!” Rey spits. “I fought off enough _men_ on Jakku to make sure that that _never_ happened to me. No one has ever … had me.” _Unless … when she was unconscious … No, she won’t even form that thought._

 

Pursing her lips, the doctor pulls a chair over to where Rey is still clinging to herself on the gurney.

 

“Did you ever ... perhaps … sometimes the young people drink a great deal. Have you ever woken up in an unusual situation?” she asks gently, her tone kind.

 

Rey thinks hard. It’s not ideal, but so much better than what she’s fearing. But no … she’s never let herself have more than a drink or two when the pilots throw their parties. She’s always kept her wits about her. Though she feels _almost_ safe with the Resistance, she never truly lets her guard down.

 

Even with Rose, she’d insisted on having the bed furthest from the door so she could have her back to the wall. She carries her staff with her always. The only time she’s ever woken up confused was when …

 

Oh gods.

 

The knowledge that’s been creeping in since she first heard the word ‘pregnant’ is truly coalescing into horrific _possibility_ and her heart is breaking. She didn’t know there was any part of it left to shatter after he’d chosen the dark side over her.

 

She starts to shake—hard—as it all spirals out in front of her. He’d … everything they’d shared he’d already … lies, it had all been lies. The way he’d looked at her … like she meant everything to him …

 

No, no, no!

 

She wants to fall apart. She wants to scream. She wants to wrap her hands around his throat and _squeeze_.

 

Instead, she looks up into the compassionate doctor’s eyes. “There was one time.”

 

\---

 

Pace. Turn. Pace. Turn.

 

It’s beyond late, but Kylo knows he won’t be sleeping. He can’t get her out of his head no matter how hard he tries, how hard he trains, how much he plans, creates, destroys.

 

She’s always, always right behind his eyelids when he closes his eyes, just at the edge of his thoughts waiting to pounce.

 

Gods, if he’d known how she’d infect him he would have left her in that damned forest on Takodana. But no … she’d fascinated him and he hadn’t thought, not for one moment. He just had to have her with him. He’d needed her in a way he still can’t define.

 

He’d hated the way some of the officers had looked at her while she’d been unconscious and he’d guarded her fiercely from their leering looks. He would not allow any harm to come to her while she was in his care.

 

And so he’d sat like a dog at her feet, ready to snap and bite at anyone who might have come near.

 

Now … now he can’t rid himself of the phantom weight of her in his arms, the burn of her fingers against his, the memory of the deep calm he’d felt in her presence …

 

He drops into his chair with a defeated groan. Stop, stop thinking about her. She made her choice, rejected him after he’d offered her everything. Offered her himself.

 

He’d never felt so in tune with another as he had in those brief, beautiful moments through the strange connection that’s been dormant since Crait. If he didn’t still have a dim sense of her lodged in his chest he’d think it had faded. But no, it simply hasn’t activated in weeks.

 

Sometimes, in the small hours, he admits that he misses her.

 

But in the light of day he lies to himself. When they’d located the Resistance, found their new haven, he’d pretended it simply wasn’t worth the effort to attack a shoddy base on an ice-ball of a planet.

 

Dropping his head into his hands he knows the truth. He can’t hurt her. It would be easier to plunge his saber into his own chest than to put her in danger. And if he brings up a holo of Shenden to gaze on the planet that holds her, no one has to know.

 

He wants to hate her.

 

But he can’t.

 

It’s so much worse than hate.

 

\---

 

“You’re sure?” General Organa asks her old friend Harter Kalonia.

 

“Yes. I’m sorry, Leia.”

 

Looking out on the barren landscape of ice and snow, Leia wraps her arms around her waist and tries to push away this new knowledge. It’s … abhorrent. Unthinkable. And yet, is it? He’d killed … no, that’s not what she needs to focus on now. Rey, she has to worry about Rey. So much on her young shoulders and now this ...

 

Leia closes her eyes briefly. “How is she?”

 

“I had to sedate her. She went into a rage and wouldn’t stop screaming. That’s how I was able to confirm …”

 

“That it’s his …” Leia says quietly.

 

Harter gently places her hand on Leia’s shoulder. “Yes. I … I wish …”

 

Taking in a shuddering breath, Leia responds, “So do I.”

 

\---

 

Kylo tries to tamp down the elation that blooms in his chest when he feels that strange pressure that harkens the opening of their connection but he utterly fails. It’s been so long and he can’t stop the excitement he feels at the prospect of seeing her.

 

She’s turned from him and her back stiffens, making it clear she knows he’s there.

 

“Rey,” he murmurs, utterly failing to keep the gentleness from his voice. She whips around and looks at him like she wants him dead.

 

“Don’t you dare,” she hisses.

 

His temper flares suddenly and predictably. This is how she greets him after weeks of silence? He dare? _He dare_? Oh that’s rich coming from the scavenger who _abandoned_ him. He hasn’t seen her since that day on Crait and she has the audacity to be angry with _him_? She’s the one who made so many declarations then just ran away.

 

“You left me for dead on Snoke’s floor, I’d say it’s you who have something to answer for,” he snarls.

 

Her eyes narrow into true loathing, the kind that’s _personal_ , and it snags at something deep inside. She’s never looked at him quite like that before. He knows he went a bit far on Crait, but surely she’ll understand. She’d hurt him. Deeply.

 

Her head shaking, her face twists in absolute disgust, and she spits, “To think I ever trusted _you_.”

 

“What about you?! You told me I wouldn’t be alone, that you’d help me!”

 

“You really are revolting, Kylo Ren. That you lured me to you after you’d already ... “ She turns away from him and he can see the tips of her fingers as they wrap around her torso.

 

“Already what?” he bites out. Something is wrong and even though he wants to scream at her for her betrayal, her reactions aren’t quite making sense.

 

“Like you don’t know,” she scoffs, keeping herself turned from him.

 

“Is this about your precious Resistance?” he sneers, losing the last of his patience. “Or perhaps the _traitor_?”

 

Slowly she turns to him and her face, gods, her face is stricken and it tears him down to the bone. Who has hurt her? He’ll kill them.

 

“You probably thought you could get away with it. That no one would ever know.”

 

Now he is truly perplexed. “Get away with what?” he asks, his anger calming.

 

“You’re actually going to play dumb, aren’t you?” Her eyes are full of such anguish and it’s ripping him to pieces. Why does he care so much, why?

 

“Rey … I truly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“To think I truly believed that you were honorable,” she says, shaking her head.

 

That hurts. He’s many things, but he has always held himself to a code. And he’s certain he’s only ever treated her with care. “I need you to explain to me what it is you think I’ve done.”

 

She looks down at the floor and whispers, “I’m pregnant.”

 

His vision is bathed in blood at her words. In the weeks since he’s seen her she’d … she’d allowed … All notions of pretending he doesn’t want her leave him in an instant and his heart thunders with possession.

 

There’s no thought as he rushes to her, towering over her smaller frame. He grabs her face and holds her firmly as he forces her eyes to his. “Whose is it?” he hisses. _Mine, mine, it should have been mine!_

 

Her startled eyes go wide and fill with confusion.

 

“Is it FN-2187’s?” he growls.

 

She looks at him like he’s speaking Huttese.

 

“Tell me!” Kylo bellows.

 

He can barely hear her when she stutters out, “Y-yours.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy tries to make Mad Mama understand that he didn't do this, but the Space Bun makes that a bit hard to explain. Then Grateful Grandma comforts a very confused Mad Mama.

“What?” he breathes out, blinking rapidly.

 

He looks like he’s been hit between the eyes and she pulls her face from his slackening grasp, skittering away from him as quickly as she can. She never wants his hands on her again.

 

“Yours! It’s yours, you monster!” Her chest heaves and now that she’s pushed the words out she’s ready to unleash her fury.

 

His plaintive, lost look derails her anger and she shakes her head.

 

“But … but … how?” he asks with confounding sincerity.

 

For a moment she’s back in that nightmare chair and he’s threatening her. But now there’s nothing he can do, no way he can hurt her. Her lips curl in disdain. “I imagine it was when you decided to take whatever you wanted!”

 

She watches as his eyes fill with horror but she continues. “I guess you never thought of the consequences when you … when you ...” She still hasn’t even thought the word. Some part of her still clings to her stupid, girlish dreams.

 

Again he rushes towards her and she pulls her staff to her, holding it threateningly. “No, you, _you_ don’t come anywhere near me.”

 

He holds his hands out placatingly and his eyes are frantic. “Rey, I swear to you, I did not do that. I never touched you, not like that.”

 

Rage suffuses every cell in her body as she realizes he really is going to deny it. After everything he’s done to her, took from her … “You are a coward, Kylo Ren.”

 

Shaking his head, he begs, “Please, you have to believe me. I would never do that, not to anyone but especially not to you.”

 

For a moment that makes her pause. What’s special about her? She’s nothing. But then she remembers watching Han’s body fall.

 

“I watched you murder your father; I know _precisely_ what you’re capable of.” She takes a grim satisfaction as she watches her verbal blow land true when he flinches violently. Good. Hurt.

 

Kylo starts to pace back and forth, running his hands through his hair. “Okay, okay. You’re pregnant. It’s mine. You think … you think I … hurt you.”

 

He sounds confused and panicked and just a little bit of doubt starts to squirm in her belly. No, not this time. She’s never going to believe anything he tells her ever again. Last time she trusted him she ended up being tortured then belittled. She won’t think about how they fought together, moving like they’d always been at each other’s side.

 

Suddenly he stops and looks at her. “How do you know it’s mine?”

 

His tone isn’t what she would have expected, he sounds almost hopeful.

 

“It wasn’t that hard to confirm. After I told the doctor that the only time this could have happened was after _you_ kidnapped me,” she says snidely. Why is she even talking to him? Answering his questions?

 

His eyes close briefly and his jaw works. “I understand why you think … why you think I … did that. But I swear to you, all that happened was that I carried you to my shuttle then took you to the …” His breath hitches before he says, “... Interrogation room. You were never out of my sight and I never laid a finger on you.”

 

“Apart from carrying me.”

 

Pink spots appear high on his cheeks and another piece of the puzzle just isn’t fitting. Why would that embarrass him?

 

“Apart from that,” he admits.

 

She gets the distinct impression that she’s talking to Ben Solo and she doesn’t like it. She despises him most of all. He dsecrated that glowing time they’d shared with his monstrous actions.

 

It had been hard enough to face her memories after he’d chosen power over her, but of course he had. No one ever chooses her. Yet sometimes, she could almost forget and let herself remember how it had felt to be so close to another person.

 

He’s taken that, too.

 

\---

 

He has to make her see. The very idea that he could ever hurt her like that makes his insides roil and his heart twist painfully.

 

The facts aren’t good. He sees that. He may not understand how this has happened but he’s certain the Force is involved. It willed his grandfather into being, why not this? But she’s so closed off, so certain he’s done this horrific thing that he doesn’t even know where to begin.

 

Keeping his distance, he watches her and the silence grows taught. She’s hunched in on herself holding her staff protectively and he’s hit with the realization that she’s carrying his child. _His_ child. It rips away the weeks of denial and he sees with blinding clarity that he’s utterly hers. She’s all that matters. Her and this new life between them.

 

Just like in the throne room when he’d known he had to protect her, he now knows he has to find a way to protect _them_.

 

“Rey,” he says gently.

 

“Don’t,” she shudders out harshly.

 

“Please. I did not do this.”

 

She meets his eyes and gods it hurts to see the tears start to fall. “Why did you have to ruin it?” she asks plaintively.

 

“I didn’t … I didn’t.”

 

“You did! Don’t lie to me! I thought I’d found my place! Then you wanted power more than me, even after the island, when we touched. But I guess that never mattered to you; it was always based on deceit and violence. You knew, you _knew_ what you’d done when you told me I wasn’t alone!” she bites out viciously.

 

“No, no … please no.” He sees how it must seem, and he’s helpless to stop her shredding that sacred time. Nothing had ever felt like that moment when their fingers touched.

 

Even after everything, he still holds that close in his heart, precious beyond words. He can tell the instant it becomes profane to her and his eyes sting with powerlessness.

 

“Just admit it! Give me some peace and admit what you’ve done!” she yells.

 

“I won’t lie to you,” he says, his voice shaking.

 

She closes her eyes and says lowly, “You’re disgusting.”

 

And then she’s gone.

 

He gasps out, desperate to bring her back. But he doesn’t know how. Maker knows he’s tried since Crait.

 

\---

 

She stands in the room she shares with Rose, adrenaline coursing through her system. Faced him, she’d faced him and now it’s done.

 

Except … the way he’d reacted—it didn’t make sense. He’d been so emphatic, so clear that he hadn’t done anything to her … and the way he spoke of when she was unconscious, like … like he’d protected her. The pieces don’t fit and the mechanic in her is unsettled.

 

But if he didn’t do it … how could she be pregnant?

 

He’s lying. He has to be lying. She let herself believe his lies once and she won’t be fooled again.

 

She lays down on her bed and lets the tears come. Her hand splays across her abdomen and she wonders what she’s going to do.

 

\---

 

Kylo stares at the space where she’d been and his thoughts are a frantic, desperate mess. His rooms feel too small to hold the enormity of what’s happened and his hands curl and uncurl as he tries to find purchase in this terrifying new terrain.

 

Rey is convinced he’s done something unimaginable and he has no idea how to prove to her that he didn’t. That he _wouldn’t_. Now that he’s being honest with himself, he sees just how far he’s fallen for her.

 

He knew she inspired intense feelings in him, but it had been easy to tell himself they were anger instead of passion, fury instead of devotion, hate instead of … No, he’d never been able to convince himself he hated her.

 

Now though, all his pretty little lies have been well and truly ripped away and he’s left with a situation so close to beautiful. Rey is pregnant with his child! They could be a _family_. He would take such good care of her and the baby. He’d never leave them, not like her parents abandoned her and his parents neglected him.

 

Yesterday he’d been focused on the galaxy and now his entire existence has been narrowed down to two people. They are all that matters.

 

He flinches as he remembers the way she’d sneered at him. _You’re disgusting._ He may be in the process of accepting his feelings for her, but Rey truly hates him. And if he’d hurt her like that, she’d be right to.

 

Much as the very idea of violating Rey makes him sick to his stomach, he can’t deny that without knowing that the Force is capable of creating life, it’s really the only conclusion she could have drawn.

 

How is he going to fix this? He could order the fleet to Shenden, capture her … perhaps in time she would see? He’d ensure she had every luxury, nothing but comfort, safety … him. No, he can’t think like that. It’s not how this is to her.

 

He may be desperate to be her family, to have this be real, but it’s not. It’s a cruel pantomime of everything his heart secretly desired, presented to him in such a way that he can never have it.

 

Never have her.

 

The cruelty of it steals the breath from his lungs and nothing in his rooms survive his rage.

 

\---

 

“Rey. Come in” Leia says, gesturing for her to enter.

 

The girl looks dreadful. Her eyes are red and swollen and she’d obviously not slept. Leia will have to work with her on that if she intends to keep the baby.

 

She’s tried very hard not to think about that, knowing she can’t possibly be objective. This child … a second chance. In the weeks since Han and Luke died, she’d come to accept that she no longer had any family. A grandchild, what that would mean to her … No, she can’t say a word to Rey about her decision. Rey deserves to make her choice without any additional burden.

 

Rey’s pulled in on herself, her shoulders hunched. She seems almost afraid when she says, “Leia … I need to tell you something.”

 

The thought that there might be even more weighing on Rey strikes at Leia’s heart.

 

“What is it, sweetheart?” she asks softly.

 

For a moment Rey’s eyes flit to Leia’s and trepidation is coming off of her in waves. “I … I know I should have told you this before, but until last night it didn’t seem to matter.” She gives a slight shrug.

 

“Go on, it’s alright,” Leia entreats, growing slightly alarmed. Rey seems almost ashamed.

 

Rey takes in a steadying breath. “The Force … it … it connected me to _him_. We appear to each other. I … I spoke with him, told him about … _it_.”

 

It takes a moment for Leia to process Rey’s words. She’s spoken with her son? Last night? She knows what it’s like to be connected through the Force, she had that with her brother. But never like this. Her son had been here? Talking with Rey? Her chest squeezes painfully at the idea of him being so close, in a way. It had been so hard to see him on Crait, so broken, so angry.

 

Shaking herself, Leia gets control of herself swiftly. While she wishes she could just be Leia in this moment, she must be the general. “Can he track you? Does he know where we are?” She tries to keep her voice gentle but she hears the edge of fear.

 

“No … no, I don’t think so. He can’t see my surroundings, nor I his. But … maybe I should … go, just in case?” Rey asks, her lip quivering.

 

Leia is surprised by the jolt of protectiveness that runs up her spine at the prospect of Rey leaving. There’s no way that Leia is letting Rey go anywhere in her current condition. She’ll fight the First Order single handedly if she has to in order to keep this young woman and her grandchild safe. Damn. She’s already grown attached to the idea.

 

“No … I don’t think we need to take it that far. You have a place with me for as long as you want it.”

 

“With you?” Rey asks, looking a bit startled.

 

“Yes, Rey. With me. Even if we aren’t successful in rebuilding the Resistance you will always have a place to go.” And just like that, Leia knows she still has family in this strong but oh so vulnerable young woman.

 

Rey shudders and nods. “Thank you,” she whispers. She looks away for a long time, obviously lost in thought.

 

“Rey?” Leia gets her attention. “You said you spoke with him. What … what did he say?” The tumult of feelings in Leia’s chest is difficult to keep from her face.

 

Leia hasn’t allowed herself to think much on the child’s conception. She can’t believe that Ben would do that, but she also doesn’t know him now and he’s proven that he’ll cross the most unnatural of lines. Yet … her whole soul rebels at the idea that he could do such a thing. He was such a gentle boy …

 

Rey purses her lips and her eyes are fraught with conflict. “He … he said he didn’t touch me, not like that.”

 

Leia raises a brow. “Not like that?”

 

Rey’s face flushes and she looks away. “We … before the _Supremacy_ , we touched hands, through the connection. We … talked. Grew close, I guess.”

 

“Is that why you had Chewie take you to them?”

 

Rey looks up quickly. “You … you know about that?”

 

Leia allows herself a knowing smile. Young people, always thinking the grown-ups don’t talk. “Yes, Chewie told me. I was going to let you explain in your own time.”

 

“Oh. I … I thought he would turn back to the light. I thought … I thought we … cared for each other,” Rey says quietly, the last words barely audible.

 

Oh this poor girl. Leia knows the signs and her heart breaks for what Rey must be going through. She’s been failed so many times.

 

“Perhaps you still do?” Leia nudges.

 

Rey’s expression closes completely. “No. Not after what he did to me.”

 

“And what … what if he didn’t?”

 

“But he has to have, the proof is right here!” Rey exclaims, placing her hand over her belly.

 

Leia has her suspicions about this strange connection between Rey and her son, but she doesn’t want to confuse Rey any further. Not until she’s sure she’s right so she only nods.

 

“What if I have to see him for the rest of my life? What if the-the-the _bond_ never goes away? I can’t face him. Not now. Gods, how could I have been so wrong about someone?” she sobs out, hiding her face in her hands.

 

Perhaps she isn’t wrong at all, but Leia keeps that thought to herself. A picture is coalescing, a very hopeful one, but she doesn’t have enough information.

 

Leia pulls Rey’s hands from her face and stands across from her, holding the girl’s hands gently. “Rey, this is a very difficult and highly unusual situation. All you can do is focus on right now. What you need today.”

 

Looking vaguely green, Rey says, “I guess … I guess I need to start learning about … being pregnant.”

 

Leia’s eyes widen. “So then … you’ve decided to go forward with the pregnancy?”

 

Profound sadness ghosts her eyes. “I know what it’s like to be thrown away.”

 

The anguish in that short statement tells of hundreds of lonely nights and broken dreams and Leia gently folds her in her arms. “This isn’t quite the same.”

 

Rey shudders and says, “It’s close enough,” into Leia’s shoulder.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare for your continued brilliance.
> 
> Thank you readers! Your support for this new story has absolutely astounded me. I am blessed to have such wonderful people reading my work. My plan is to update 'Powerless' on Thursdays and 'Unbidden' on Mondays. 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who still looks at me like I'm the center of his world. I know he's the center of mine.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy snaps and races to Mad Mama. Space Suitor the Second tries to comfort Mad Mama and I think we all know just how well it goes when Desperate Daddy shows up.

It’s been three sleepless nights since his entire life was upended and his mind is in utter chaos. He’d made himself ill when he’d not been able to stop the spiraling thoughts and now he’s given up trying, almost welcoming the cascade of jumbled, conflicting emotions and memories.

 

Kylo keeps imagining what she thinks he did, the pictures that must be in her head. It makes him want to kill someone. Because, perversely, he feels the need to be her vengeance against what’s hurt her. And she thinks it’s him …

 

If anyone ever touched her like that he’d rip them to pieces. The revulsion is starting again, and now he’s pacing furiously. The more he’s thought about it, the more he’s convinced the Force is responsible, and that means it _wants_ something.

 

The Skywalkers seem destined to be tangled up hopelessly with the Force. It feels almost cyclical and he wonders if his grandfather actually _did_ have a father, if some passerby on Tatooine had unwittingly played pawn to the Force’s machinations. All he knows is he was a product of the Force, not precisely how that had occurred.

 

The only thing that’s given him respite during these frantic, interminable hours has been thoughts of his child and memories of those hallowed moments with _Rey_. He never thought he would have a family and now … now there’s going to be a little one made from him and her.

 

Because it’s becoming clearer to him with each passing hour that they _belong_ to each other. Now not only through their connection but through this new life. When he can stop seeing the look on her face as she’d accused him of the vilest of acts, he’s wondered if the baby will have her eyes. He’d like that.

 

His strides slow and he comes to a stop, remembering how complete he’d felt when their fingers had touched, how it was the most intimate and total feeling he had ever experienced. He craves that again, a hunger igniting in him that can only be sated by Rey. He’d thought he would find his purpose, his answer, his place by giving himself to the dark side.

 

It’s obvious to him now that he couldn’t possibly have been more wrong about what he wants, what he _needs_. The way she’d looked up at him after he’d killed Snoke to save her, with awe, and hope … as if she _saw_ him, truly saw him … He will do anything he has to for her to look at him like that again, to know the absolute safety that came from fighting with her in the throne room.

 

All that matters to him now is having Rey and their child by his side.

 

Rey … knowing she has part of him growing inside her makes something old, something primal inside him fill with savage satisfaction. Mine. She and the child are _his_. He’s tried to keep these thoughts at bay, knowing how far she is from seeing this beautiful truth, but his control is all but gone and the need to rip his way through anything and anyone that stands between him and the mother of his child is growing nearly unbearable.

 

He snarls and continues stalking the perimeter of his room. For days now, he’s spent most of the time pacing his destroyed rooms like a caged beast, periodically making the walls bleed molten metal with his saber when he just can’t handle it any longer.

 

Hux had tried to force his way in yesterday, but Kylo had flung him away from the doorway with such violence he may have actually killed him. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t care. All he cares about is Rey and his baby.

 

At first he’d focused intensely on their connection, willing it to open, but that only got him a splitting headache and the first step towards the demented need pushing him further from sanity. All he’d felt was that pervasive sense of _her_ that never leaves him. Perhaps he’s even feeling his child, too.

 

His hands curl and uncurl and the rising need to scream is taking him over. Knowing she believes that he … hurt her is driving him near madness. That to her, this miracle is tainted and _unwanted_ cuts into his deepest and most hidden places.

 

Because he wants this, oh how he wants this. A family of his very own, a chance to right so many wrongs. The image of her slender form swelling with his child invades every cell in his body and his fingers twitch at the thought of feeling her skin as it grows taught, making room to accommodate the life they’ve somehow made together.

 

Yet … _they_ didn't. The Force took that from them and he feels a prickle of grief that he wasn’t able to hold her eyes as he planted his essence within her. That this child is not a result of how much he … he …

 

Then the crashing realization of what she thinks he’s done comes for him again.

 

How could she believe him capable of that? The thought rolls and slithers through him, leaving nothing but a sick sense of shame. He may recoil from it, but that doesn’t change that she does indeed think of him as someone who would, who _could_ , hurt her like that.

 

The urgency only grows, twisting and consuming with every minute he’s not able to talk with her. Reason with her. The lack of sleep is scrambling his brain and his thoughts are becoming more and more incoherent. He _needs_ to see her. Help her understand … give him a chance.

 

Pulling up the holo of Shenden, he stares hard at the cold planet. She’s there. A half-day away. The Force couldn’t snatch her from him if he went there. Rey would have to listen to him, he’d _make_ her see reason.

 

Watching the little red dot that indicates the Resistance base, something inside him snaps and he loses what little perspective he has left. Nothing will stand between him and his family. Not the Resistance, not the First Order. Nothing.

 

She’s carrying his child. She has to talk to him.

 

She has to.

 

\---

 

“Rey?” Poe says, sounding oddly serious.

 

“Yeah, Poe?”

 

“Are you … are you okay?”

 

Rey freezes, completely unprepared for the question. She’s sitting in the mess hall, picking at her dinner, knowing she should eat, knowing that this … this … _baby_ needs nutrients to grow, but a part of her can’t acknowledge that this has happened to her.

 

“Rey? You … you’re really pale. Do you need to see a doctor or something?”

 

Rey snorts. That’s what got her into this mess. No … that’s what explained why she wasn’t feeling right. _He_ got her into this mess. The thought feels discordant and she shoves away the doubt that keeps trying to creep in. There’s no other explanation. She’s furious with herself, furious that she ever wanted … wanted …

 

“I’m fine,” she says shortly.

 

“I really don’t think you are, and with Finn on a recruiting trip, I have to be the one to take care of you.”

 

She raises a brow. “I don’t need anyone to take care of me,” she says with an edge of defensiveness.

 

“Sunshine, we all need people to take care of us. Why do you think Finn made me promise to look after you while he was gone?”

 

Tears sting her eyes at the mention of Finn. How is she going to explain this to him? Will he hate her for carrying the child of _Kylo Ren_ , scourge of the galaxy? She can barely hold the thought in her head. It’s too much.

 

“Hey, hey, you look like you’re gonna start crying,” Poe says gently, taking the seat next to her. He lays his hand on her shoulder and there’s something about the kindness in his touch that makes Rey burst into tears.

 

“C’mere,” he says as he puts his arm around her and she stiffens but then … some long forgotten part of herself remembers what it’s like to be comforted and she lets herself lean into him.

 

He rubs her back and allows her to cry, making little nonsense noises. But he doesn’t feel right. She’s disgusted with herself when she realizes whose arms she wants around her. Even after what she knows … he still calls to her. But _does_ she know it? Yes, yes, of course she does. The tests say so.

 

She just starts crying harder and soon she’s hiccupping.

 

“Rey … breathe, breathe for me.”

 

Trying to do what Poe’s asked, she shakily breathes in and out until she has herself a bit more under control.

 

“I know I’m not Finn, but we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well since Crait, haven’t we? Would you tell me what’s wrong?”

 

She pulls back and looks into his kind, brown eyes. _The wrong brown eyes_. Shaking herself, as if she could somehow dislodge that traitorous thought, she wonders if she can trust Poe. He’s always been so nice to her, and he never fails to smile when he sees her. Sometimes he even saves her favorite fruit at dinner.

 

But she’s not ready to tell anyone else so she only shakes her head. “It’s nothing. Just the stress of the last few weeks.”

 

Poe frowns and looks at her skeptically. “I …” he stops and sighs. “I’m always here for you, I hope you know that.”

 

Rey nods. “I … I just need to be alone, I think.”

 

His eyes flash with disappointment and something that almost seems like hurt, but he smiles as he always does. His arm is still half-way around her and he squeezes her shoulder as he gets up.

 

Looking down on her he holds her eyes and says, “I’m serious. If you need me, day or night, just come find me.”

 

“Thanks, Poe,” Rey says faintly, her thoughts already turning back to the invader in her body.

 

\---

 

He’s long since stopped thinking clearly as he pilots his ship towards Shenden. Kylo had told Hux he just needed to get off the ship for a bit, that he’d be back soon. Instead, he’d disabled the tracker and programed the hyperdrive towards Rey and the child she carries.

 

It’s madness, pure madness. They’ll probably kill him on sight but he’s past caring.

 

\---

 

“General!” Lieutenant Connix shouts, pulling Leia from her meandering thoughts. Her frightened tone has Leia moving quickly over to Connix’s console.

 

“What is it?”

 

“A TIE silencer just came on our scopes!”

 

As far as they know, only one man flies that ship and several things hit Leia all at once. Her son … her son is here. Rey will be terrified. She hasn’t talked to her more deeply about the possibility that the baby is like Anakin Skywalker, that maybe her son didn’t do this awful crime.

 

Deciding quickly, she orders, “Let him land.”

 

“What?” Poe shouts. “That’s Kylo Ren we’re talking about! I’m gonna blow him out of the sky!”

 

“No! I have reason to believe he’s not here for us. Are there any other First Order vessels?”

 

“Scanning now,” Connix replies. After a few tense moments she says, “No, only the TIE.”

 

Leia nods and repeats, “Let him land.”

 

“Well he’s gonna have one hell of a welcome party,” Poe growls.

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Commander.” Leia may have more hope than she’s had in years, but that’s no reason to be stupid about it.

 

\---

 

Leia’s breath is caught in her throat when she sees him climb down from his ship, crossing the ice towards the 50 or so soldiers waiting for him with weapons drawn. As he draws nearer, she’s able to see the deep grooves under his eyes. He moves with exhaustion lining every step, but he doesn’t seem to feel the cold. His dark hair hangs in his eyes and he’s looking around wildly. Leia knows who he’s seeking.

 

Stepping forward, Leia walks towards the infamous Kylo Ren and stands a few feet from her son for the first time in far too many years. His eyes are lit with a frantic fire and he doesn’t seem anything like the man from Crait.

 

Leia is about to speak when he pleads, “Where is she?”

 

His rough, desperate voice catches Leia by surprise. This is not a boy lost to the dark side. This is a man with singular, dangerous purpose and she wonders if she dare let him anywhere near Rey.

 

She hopes Rey is inside, fixing their derelict fleet of old X-wings and far away from this mess. There hadn’t been time to warn her.

 

“Please. I have to see her. I’ll do anything you want, just let me see her.” He’s … he’s _begging_.

 

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” Leia says slowly. Her son seems to be holding on by a thread and this is Rey’s choice.

 

Then his face completely transforms into a depth of longing she wouldn’t have thought him capable of feeling. His eyes go from wild to soft, and his entire body seems to relax right in front of her.

 

Leia turns her head to see where he’s looking, knowing what, knowing _who_ , she will find.

 

Rey stands still as stone and her expression is completely blank.

 

“Rey …” he breathes out reverently.

 

In that moment Leia knows that her son is innocent. She feels it in the Force and she sees it in his eyes, eyes that look at Rey like she’s all he can see. He _cares_ for Rey, more deeply than she’d ever anticipated.

 

He starts to move towards Rey and she snarls, “Stay back!”

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, murderer!” Poe yells, rushing forward until he’s standing protectively in front of Rey. The girl has gone still, blinking slowly, holding her staff as if her life depends on it.

 

All the warmth bleeds from her son and Kylo Ren has taken his place. “Talking to the mother of my child, _pilot_ ,” he snarls possessively, raising his hand in threat.

 

“Tell me another one, Kylo Ren. I’m not letting you anywhere near her.”

 

“Stand aside. Now.” His tone makes a deadly promise. All the adoration in his eyes has been replaced with icy fury. A shiver goes up her spine as she understands how dangerous her son has become. Leia thumbs the safety of her blaster

 

Defiantly, Poe aims his weapon at his opponent's chest. “No way, not happening.”

 

Her son smirks and rumbles, “Thank you.”

 

Poe’s eyes narrow and he asks, “For what?”

 

“For giving me a _reason_ ,” he hisses, his hand clutching the air as Poe grabs at his neck, gasping for breath. Rey breaks out of her trance and lunges forward with her staff.

 

“Dammit,” Leia mutters as she lifts her blaster and stuns her only child.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, for your continued grace and patience.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm sorry my posting schedule hasn't worked out. I think for the time being I'll have to post when I can. I'll try for weekly, but RL is quite hectic right now. Thank you all for being so wonderfully supportive! *hugs and smooches*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, I couldn't do this without you!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grateful Grandma talks with Desperate Daddy while Space Suitor the Second throws his hat in the ring.

Leia waits in the hastily cobbled together cell, watching for the first signs of the _Supreme Leader_ regaining consciousness.

 

They’d repurposed a room meant for storing explosives. It’s carved into the ice so there’s nothing he can manipulate with the Force but the thick door. If he truly wanted to escape, Leia knows he would be able to, but she’s betting he won’t even try.

 

She sits next to the cot they’d pulled in, that and her chair the only furnishing in the cell. His face is peaceful and she sees the ghost of her little boy in his angular features. She remembers watching him sleep, taking comfort in the regular rise and fall of his chest, some primal part of her needing to assure herself he was safe.

 

But he doesn’t look well, his skin has an unhealthy pallor and it’s clear the time since Crait has weighed on him heavily. Could it be the separation from Rey? Or has he finally begun to understand that he’s not suited for tyranny?

 

The emotions swirling in Leia’s chest beg to be given free rein, but she won’t let herself process this, not yet. She won’t let Han in. She thinks she knows why he did it, but the only way she knows how to be in the same room with him is to shove it down, along with everything else.

 

There’s a chance here. A chance for her son and a chance for the galaxy. Rey has clearly awoken something profound in the lost young man before her. She’d given up on him, but now she sees that Luke was right. No one is ever really gone and though he should be a stranger to her, she still sees her little boy and her arms still remember his weight when he was a baby.

 

She starts as his eyes fly open. He goes from unconsciousness to fully awake in a single second, pushing himself up on his elbows, looking around the room swiftly. Where he’d been frantic before, his eyes are now keen, taking in and processing everything he sees. When his eyes land on her, she feels the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, an instinctive response to his predator's gaze.

 

Swinging his legs so he’s in a seated position he questions, “Where is she? She was right there, where is _she_!” Gone is the plaintive tone, now there is the same menace Leia had sensed on the ice.

 

“She’s safe.”

 

“I want to see her,” he demands.

 

“In time,” Leia says measuredly.

 

“No, now,” he barks.

 

“She’s not ready.”

 

He jumps to his feet and stalks over to her and it breaks Leia’s heart to see such fury twisting his features. “She carries my child. You _will_ take me to her.”

 

“Son-”

 

“No,” he growls. “You are General Organa and you stand between me and what is mine, that is all that there is to this. You are nothing to me but an obstacle.”

 

Leia lets it hurt for one single moment then it goes into the box. She shudders to think what will happen when that box blows open.

 

Slowly, Leia gets to her feet, and though she’s much shorter than her son, she holds herself straight, her spine steel. She’s stood up to _many_ posturing men and she knows she has the upper hand here. Her son wants Rey and Leia knows he’ll behave so long as she controls that access.

 

Ben’s eyes are the same deep brown she remembers so well and Leia wants very much to reach for him, but that’s certainly out of the question.

 

They hold each other’s gaze intensely, she sees his jaw work, but she’s not intimidated. She keeps herself strong and just stares back. She remembers that he couldn’t kill her on the _Raddus_ and she believes he won’t hurt her now.

 

Finally, his shoulders fall slightly and he murmurs, “Please.”

 

Relaxing, Leia nods. “You will see her. _When_ she’s ready.”

 

“She thinks I … violated her, she’ll never be ready!” he protests.

 

“But you didn’t, did you?”

 

He flinches and he grinds out, “Of course I didn’t.”

 

“That’s what I thought. Do you know how it happened? There’s no doubt the child is yours, we still have your DNA on file.”

 

His eyes flicker with an odd, possessive fire that both frightens her and gives her hope. There is no question that her son _wants_ this child. And the mother too, it would seem.

 

“I think … I think the Force did it … when we touched hands through our … we have … we have a … connection.”

 

“Yes, she told me a bit about that.”

 

“She did?” he asks, sounding genuinely surprised.

 

“She’s very lost and alone right now, she needed someone to talk to.”

 

“She’s not alone! She has me!”

 

Leia purses her lips. “She doesn’t want comfort from you, at least not now.”

 

“But you believe me, don’t you? That I didn’t, that I _couldn’t_ do that to her?” Her son is so close to the surface right now, his desperate need for her to know there are lines he won't cross at odds with the violent man he's tried so hard to become.

 

“I do. And I’m going to talk with her, explain what little I know about Force conception.”

 

He nods stiffly. “That’s … good.”

 

“Son-” He begins to protest but she continues, “No, you _are_ my son and I’m going to call you such. Right now I am the only friend you have in this place and if you want a chance at seeing Rey, you’re going to work with me.”

 

“I could just take her,” he threatens lowly.

 

“Yes, you could. And she’d hate you for it. Right now there’s a chance to convince her that you didn’t hurt her, but if you take her against her will she’ll never forgive you. Is that what you want?”

 

He crosses his arms in front of him and his expression turns comically stubborn. He looks like he did when he was 15. “No,” he says almost petulantly.

 

“Well then. Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to give me some piece of valuable First Order intelligence and in return I will speak with Rey and encourage her to see you.”

 

“I see Rey, then the intelligence.”

 

“You are under the impression this is a negotiation. It isn’t.”

 

His eyes narrow and he clenches his jaw. “Fine,” he spits then pulls a datachip from a hidden pocket in his belt and hands it to her.

 

Leia raises an eyebrow. “You came prepared, I see …”

 

“I know how you operate,” her throws back.

 

It stings, but she lets it slide off of her well-developed armor.

 

Leia walks to the door then turns back to look at her son. “I trust you won’t try to escape?”

 

“I’m not going anywhere without Rey and my child.” He seems defiant, but Leia can detect the soul-deep longing in his tone. Her son clearly cares a great deal for the girl and the baby she carries. For the first time in years, she can truly see a path back for her boy.

 

“Good.” Leia taps her lips with her finger. “One more thing.”

 

“What?” he snarls.

 

“How long before they come looking for you?”

 

His eyes flit to hers and she seems a shadow of her boy in the brief flash of guilt.

 

“At least a week but likely much longer. I scrambled the intel and star charts before I left, but it won’t keep them confused indefinitely. Though Hux may be content that I’m simply gone.”

 

Leia’s stomach sinks. Well … it’s a good thing they never got too comfortable on Shenden. At least they’d had almost two months to rest.

 

“I see. Well, it seems I have a great deal to do.” She holds his eyes for a moment and it’s difficult to tear her gaze from his face. It’s been so long … But he’s still the enemy no matter how much Ben is bleeding through, and she won’t forget that.

 

She’s about to close the door when he says softly, “Thank you.”

 

His eyes are vulnerable and Leia’s heart stutters in her chest. Damn.

 

“You’re welcome,” she says shakily as she all but flees his cell.

 

\---

 

She’d run away the moment Kylo had gone down. Seeing him in the flesh, feeling his violent intensity had been too much. Now she’s curled up in the cockpit of an old X-Wing, crouched low so no one can see her.

 

Numb. Rey can’t really feel anything. It’s like her circuits have been fried and she just doesn’t work any longer. He’d come. He … he clearly wants the … the child. The way he’d looked at her at first, with such yearning … how is it possible he could look at her like that if he’d also taken something so precious from her?

 

It just doesn’t make any sense and she’s sick of thinking about it. She lets her thoughts go blank as well, and now there’s nothing at all. No baby. No Kylo Ren. Nothing.

 

She floats in the blankness until she’s startled out of her trance.

 

“Hey, Rey!” Poe calls, rapping on the glass of the cockpit.

 

Her head swivels and she finds his affable face smiling worriedly. Groaning, she untwists herself from her curled position and presses the button to raise the glass. Poe holds her eyes as it lifts.

 

“So. That happened,” Poe says lightly.

 

“Yeah. It did.”

 

“Kylo Ren sure has a screw loose if he thinks you’re pregnant with his kid!” he declares with false levity, his eyes begging her to deny it.

 

Rey looks away swiftly. She knows she should say something lie, deny it, but all she can do is look at her knees.

 

“Wait. Whoa, whoa whoa. Rey, are you telling me it’s _true_?”

 

She finally looks up at him pleadingly. Don’t make her say it, please don’t make her say it.

 

Poe’s face goes from incredulity to horror to rage. “I’ll kill him.”

 

“Get in line,” she says flatly, pushing away the flare of worry she felt at Poe’s threat.

 

His face is grim and he asks, “When?”

 

“While he had me trapped on Starkiller Base, I think. I was unconscious for a while … it’s the only time it could have … happened.”

 

“Are you keeping it?” Poe asks bluntly.

 

“Yes,” she says as her hand settles on her belly.

 

Nodding slowly, he reaches for her hand. She flinches from his touch and he sighs. “Please, come out of there so we can really talk.”

 

“I’m not really sure what there is to talk about.”

 

“There are some things I think you should know.”

 

\---

 

They’re sitting on some old crates and Poe seems oddly nervous. He rubs the back of his neck and looks at the ground for a moment. Then lifts his face Rey can’t interpret his expression.

 

“Rey … I … I care about you.”

 

Her brow furrows and she tilts her head. “I care about you, too.”

 

He smiles slightly and takes in a deep breath. “No, I mean … I was hoping, in time, that you might come to see me the way I see you, as someone you could build a life with.” He holds her eyes with purpose and meaning.

 

Rey blinks as she understands what he means. She can’t quite take it in, she’s already so close to breaking, but he keeps speaking.

 

“Now though, time isn’t a luxury we have. As soon as he said you were pregnant I've been thinking and well ... I … I’ll help you. Raise this baby as my own. Every child deserves two parents.”

 

“You … you want … you want my baby?”

 

“I want both of you. I know you don’t care for me the way I care for you, but I’d be a good father to this child and maybe in time, a good husband to you.”

 

Her eyes go wide. “You want me to marry you?”

 

“Someday, if you wanted. But I’ll always be there for you and this child.”

 

“But you just found out, how can you know that, decide so quickly!”

 

“Because it’s you, Rey. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so strong and gentle at the same time. Your heart is huge and you’re fierce as hell. Any man would be a fool not want you.”

 

All of Poe’s kindness suddenly takes on a different tone and she feels stupid and young for not having seen it before. Kylo Ren has shown up on the base, seeming to claim her as the mother of his child and now her friend wants to _marry_ her.

 

She can’t process it, she can’t process any of it!

 

Then she feels _him_ through the Force and everything spirals out of control.

 

Too much, too much, too much! She’s completely overwhelmed. Her ears roar and her vision tunnels. She has to get away, away from all of this. She can’t think!

 

Then she’s running, running for the blast doors, out the side exit and into the snow. She throws a block of ice in front of the door to keep Poe from following.

 

She runs and runs and runs.

 

\---

 

Kylo stares at the sheet of ice that serves as his ceiling. They’ve provided him with blankets and clothing meant for this climate but he stubbornly ignores them, using the Force to regulate his body temperature.

 

He can sense her now that he’s close. She’s in turmoil and he hopes Leia Organa speaks with her soon. Her Force signature is a mess and he just wants to soothe her.

 

Then there’s a spike of panic and he’s on his feet in an instant. The need to go to her is gut-wrenching in its totality but he forces himself to stay where he is. He’s agreed to stay put and so long as he doesn’t sense any danger, he will fulfill his pledge.

 

But she’s growing so frantic and he starts to pace. What has happened? Who has upset her so much? He tries to reach out to her, send her a tendril of calm, of safety, but the minute she senses him her emotions ratchet up even higher and now he’s genuinely worried.

 

He tries to keep himself in check, he really does, but he’s about to open the door with the Force when it opens and he sees Leia Organa and the _pilot_ staring at him.

 

“We need your help, it’s about Rey,” the general says.

 

“What’s happened to her?” He can sense her moving further away and he doesn’t have time for this!

 

“She ran out into the snow and I know you can find her faster than any of us can.”

 

“Why? Why did she do that? What did you do to her?” he asks suspiciously.

 

The pilot exclaims, “How about what you did to her, you beast!” He turns towards Leia and gestures wildly. “General, I still don’t think we should trust him with this, with Rey!”

 

Impatiently, Leia responds, “Commander, as I explained on our way here, I have reason to believe that he never touched her and would never hurt her. Do you really want to let her freeze to death because you don’t trust him?”

 

While they’ve been squabbling, Kylo has put on the warmer clothing. Once ready he barks, “Dameron, I don’t care if you trust me or not, nothing will stop me from finding her. I do not need your permission.” Kylo shifts his focus to Leia. “Where was she last seen?”

 

The general hands him a pack, full of survival gear he assumes and jerks her head. “This way.”

 

\---

 

The snow whips swiftly across his face as he stalks out into the storm. He reaches out with the Force, casting about for _Rey_. There, there she is. She’s frightened and panicked. She’s lost her bearings and doesn’t know where the base is.

 

He wants to tell her he’s coming, that it’s going to be alright, but he’s worried she’ll run from him if she knows he’s in pursuit, so he keeps his own Force signature shielded.

 

Narrowing in on her, he picks up his pace. The temperature is dropping rapidly and there’s no time to spare.

 

Once he’s made sure she’s safe, he’ll make her understand what has truly transpired. She’ll accept him. She has to. The Force itself has willed it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who is always so kind to make time for reading my vague attempts at stories.
> 
> Thank you readers! Because we're moving to New Orleans so I can write full time, I'm no longer going to stick to a posting schedule (I never really managed one for this one sadly) and am going to post when I can. There's lots to do in House Downing! I so appreciate your support and am exceptionally grateful for every read, kudo, and comment!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who brought me take out food and chocolate on Friday after a very long week. He always knows just how to make me feel better.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy is going to find Mad Mama no matter what and Perry gets to check off another square on Reylo Trope Bingo!

She’s huddled near a craggy ice formation and barely conscious when he finds her. Though Rey is wearing clothing insulated against the cold, it doesn’t begin to provide her enough protection from the ferocious storm that’s engulfed them. The connection between them feels like an almost physical pull and Kylo has to force himself to not give into the panic her tiny form inspires in him.

 

There’s no way he can get her back to the base in this wind so he scans the outcropping of sharp, blue ice for possible shelter as he kneels beside her. She looks so small as she shivers from the harsh, screaming wind … He reaches for her, not really thinking, just needing to shelter her from the weather. The protectiveness she pulls from him is foreign and total, as if his entire being has narrowed down to this woman and the child nestled within her.

 

But as soon as his gloved hands begin to pull her to him, her eyes open and slowly focus on his face. Once she registers who precisely it is who has come to her rescue, she begins to shake her head, snow falling from her hair and the genuine fear in her gaze is so much worse than the way she’d looked at him in the forest.

 

“No, don’t t-touch me,” she protests weakly. It’s difficult to hear her through the punishing storm.

 

“Rey, we have to find shelter, you’ve been out here too long!” He slides one arm behind her back and the other beneath her knees while she attempts to roll away from his embrace. She’s no match for him in her current state, however.

 

“I d-don’t care, n-not you, anyone b-but you,” she chatters through blue lips while she tries to push him away feebly.

 

He wishes the situation wasn’t so dire, he truly doesn’t want to force his help on her, especially not with the … misunderstanding lingering between them, but she’s fading fast and there’s nothing he won’t do to keep her— _them_ —safe. He has to almost yell to be heard over the ferocious winds. “I’m sorry, I promise you, I am, but we don’t have time for this. What about the baby?” _Our baby_ …

 

Her eyes flicker with concern but then she finds one last burst of strength and she wriggles out of his arms. Moving faster than he’d anticipated, she staggers to her feet and tries to scramble away from him.

 

Following swiftly, he’s right there to catch her when she trips and falls. He gathers her up like he had on Takodana and she begs, “Please, no. P-please don’t hurt me again, please Ben.”

 

Just before she loses consciousness, he’s bombarded with her imaginings, how she’d tried to piece together what she believes to have happened to her. He manages to shut her out, but not before he’d seen his own face sneering in satisfied cruelty. He has to swallow over and over again to keep from getting sick, the savage, twisted version of himself so grotesque.

 

Gods … will he ever be able to rid himself of that image? Rid himself of the pain?

 

Pushing away the horror, he shifts her in his arms until he has a firm hold on her shivering body and searches the ice in hopes of finding a crevice to shield them from the biting winds. His own hands are already growing stiff from the drop in temperature and it terrifies him to the core knowing she’s been out in this for far more time than he has.

 

Clutching her closely to his chest, he leans into the storm as he uses all his strength to keep her as protected as he can, making his way along the perimeter. His boots sink into ever-growing snow drifts and he’s panting harshly when he finds it.

 

The relief is swift as uses the Force to widen the opening in the jutting ice and a small cave is revealed. Moving quickly, he gets them inside and gently lays her down on a slanted shelf of rock. Apparently it’s not just ice but the opening of some sort of geologic formation, however he can’t make much out in the dim light.

 

He has to get her warmed up, and _fast_. Pawing through the contents of the pack they’d provided, he finds what he’s looking for. He wraps her in the thermal blanket and cracks the activation node firmly so that the chemical reaction within the blanket begins. Soon, it’s warming up and Rey’s violent shivers begin to subside.

 

Knowing he’s halted the cold taking over her system, he’s able to breathe a bit more easily, focus better.

 

He finds the portable heat source, which will also provide light, and places it as close to Rey as possible. Switching it on, the ambient temperature of the cave gradually rises and he’s able to better see where they’ve found themselves. It’s deeper than he’d thought, and seems to be the beginning of a system of caverns.

 

Now that there’s light, he uses the Force to move a block of ice to over the entrance but it’s not enough. The heating unit can’t warm much and he takes in a collection of stalactites between them and the rest of the cavern system. Though tired, he again gathers the Force to pull them from the rock and the sound is deafening as they fall, effectively creating an enclosed pocket to keep in the precious heat.

 

Their little haven is no more than ten feet across and Kylo can barely stand in parts of it, but it will keep Rey warm and that is all that matters.

 

He goes to her, sitting as near as he dares. She’s still pale, but the blue of her lips is fading.

 

She looks so fragile and delicate wrapped in the life-saving blanket. The urge to cradle her to him is nearly overpowering and his hands twitch to touch her.

 

From the moment he first saw her, he’s always craved to touch her. It’s an alien impulse that he still doesn’t understand. He _hates_ to be touched. To touch. He keeps himself armored in head-to-toe black, as little of himself exposed as possible. But the distance, the walls around him all come undone when he’s near her, when he thinks of her. Rey makes everything confused and somehow make sense for the first time in his life.

 

His hands reach for her, and he watches how they tremor, but then he remembers what she believes he’s done to her, and he halts. Pulling his hands back, he balls them into fists at his sides, refusing to touch her. He hopes, once she understands that he’d never hurt her, what he’d do for her, that she’ll soften to him, but he knows he needs to at least try to get used to the idea that she may never want his touch again.

 

The way she’d looked at him, when he’d found her in the snow … there’s such a long way to go and he takes in a long, shuddering breath, attempting to push away the pain in his heart. So no … he won’t touch her unless he has no choice or she asks it of him.

 

But nothing can stop him from watching her. His entire soul may be desperate to hold her to him, reassure himself that she’s safe and in his arms, but he will not give her one more reason to think he could … no, no, not one more piece of evidence.

 

Because he knows, he _knows_ he’s the one that made this possible. If he’d never taken her like he had on Takodana, torn into her mind, she’d never have even had this thought. But he did. He … he did. He found her and he took her and hurt her. Yes, he’d minimized it, but … but her tears still rip him from sleep. He’ll never be free of the guilt of those tears.

 

He may be entirely incapable of what she imagines, but he’s the one who gave her the reason to think he could.

 

And so all he can do is help her see that for all the horror he’s wrought, this, this _he did not_ do. This he _could not do_.

 

Oh gods, she’s trembling again. The thermal blanket and heating unit … they aren’t enough. In a moment all of his agreements with himself mean nothing because he cannot allow her to die. He cannot allow _them_ to die. Even if she hates him even more for it. Closing his eyes, he silently begs her to forgive him.

 

“Rey … Rey …” he calls to her, scooching closer. Her eyelids flutter but stay closed.

 

“I hope you can hear me, you’re too cold, the thermal blanket and heating unit aren’t enough. They will be soon but …. but I need to warm you up … with my body heat.” He whispers the last, knowing she’d never want this from him and he tries to deny how eager he is to hold her, ashamed that he’s not able to simply be clinical about this. She doesn’t respond to his words, and perhaps she won’t truly notice what’s happening.

 

Gently, he pleads, “I’m going to take off my coat so there’s fewer layers between us, but I won’t … I won’t touch your clothes. I promise. I never … I … I just need you to warm you up.”

 

She still can’t open her eyes, but she manages to moan out, over and over again, “No, no, please no.”

 

“Rey, I have to keep you warm.” Each time she pleads with him it stabs deeper into his heart.

 

“No … no …” she slurs through her delirious state.

 

“I promise, I won’t hurt you, I would never hurt you. I just don’t want you to die. I can’t survive if you die. That’s all this is, please, please, know that’s all this is,” he entreats as he gathers her close, draping his coat over them both.

 

At first she pushes at him weakly and he murmurs, “Shhh, shhh, I won’t hurt you, I’ll never hurt you. Please lay still, please let me help you.”

 

Eventually, she stops pushing against him and her eyes finally open slightly. He holds her gaze and tries to communicate his devotion through the Force, through how gently he holds her and he sees … acceptance? She nods, almost imperceptibly. It seems like she settles into him but surely it’s only that she’s again unconscious.

 

Without his coat, he can feel the biting cold of the cavern, still warming from the unit, but he doesn’t care. All that matters is giving every bit of warmth he has to Rey. He focuses on the Force and manages to channel all the heat he has to give into her, into them.

 

After what feels like an endless amount of time her tremors stop and there’s a blissful few moments where he can just hold her, her body solid in his arms. Breathing in and out, he manages to attune their bodies together, and he knows her body temperature and his are aligned. In, out, he breathes. There, _there_ her heartbeat begins to beat in time with his and the rightness of it all settles deep in his bones, flows through his blood.

 

His entire galaxy is in his arms.

 

But she’s safe now, out of danger. He must let her go. This may be the very last time he has this and he wants to pretend. Pretend that she cares for him the way he cares for her. Pretend that she wants to be here, safely wrapped up against his chest. Looking down on her face, peaceful and so beautiful, he chokes back a shuddering sob as he begins to unwind himself from around her.

 

All of him, every single atom of his existence screams out at the wrongness of letting her go, but he has to. He _has_ to. Closing his eyes, he rests his forehead against hers and oh gods he can’t do this.

 

Wait. Something’s wrong! Her heartbeat begins to flutter rapidly, far, far too fast! Maybe he was too late, maybe her body has been damaged in a way he can’t see. Frantically, he pulls back to look at her, expecting to see pain. Only he doesn’t, her face is placid, her cheeks pink … but … but he can barely _think_ through the rapid heartbeat battering against him through their connection.

 

Confused, he holds his fingers against her neck to feel her pulse, finding it slow and steady. What? How? It makes no sense.

 

He focuses on the strong beat against his fingers and he begins to understand. The rapid butterfly's wings against the Force isn’t Rey at all.

 

The baby.

 

He’s feeling the _baby_. His baby. _Their_ baby.

 

Kylo looks back on Rey’s face and finds it calm, her breathing steady. She’s alright. Everything is alright. She and the child are right her, protected, safe. He’s kept them safe. The jumble of feelings warring in his heart nearly overwhelm him and he lets out a shaky breath.

 

It’s time to let her—let them—go, but, Maker, it feels positively unnatural to move away from her. Both of them should always, always be in his arms.

 

Digging deep, he forces himself to pull away, keeping her wrapped in the blanket and adjusting his coat over her.

 

As he takes up his vigil sitting next to her, he senses something at the back of his mind, at the edge of the Force.

 

He’s not sure what it is, he tries not to let himself hope ... but … he’s sure he heard …

 

 _Papa_ …

 

\---

 

Warm. Oh, she feels so safe and warm. She’s enveloped by strong arms and she doesn’t want to ever wake up. It’s the best dream she’s ever had. But then the soothing presence leaves her and though her body still feels warm, her heart is suddenly so cold.

 

\---

 

The wind continues to howl and their little pocket of safety keeps them insulated against the worst of the storm. The heating unit is able to keep the temperature from dropping below freezing and has enough fuel for at least two days, but Kylo doesn’t know what the weather is like on Shenden, how long this might last. He’s set up the beacon in hopes that … _they_ will come, but he’s not sure if the rock and ice will interfere with its signal.

 

Rey has been asleep for almost two hours now and beyond taking stock of their supplies, all he’s done is watch her. There’s been no more contact from the baby and he’s beginning to think he imagined it.

 

It’s _agony_ not to hold her to him. There’s been only the sound of the storm to distract him so his thoughts have swirled endlessly between the bleak reality and the glowing, beautiful dreams he can’t help but weave.

 

He’s never had the luxury to just … look at her before, not really, not without his mask and war between them. The longest time he’d had was when they’d touched hands and she only grows more lovely the longer he gazes at her. Her skin looks so soft, and oh how he wants to know what her cheek would feel like under his fingers.

 

The soft, yellow glow from the heating unit reminds him of the firelight when they’d touched hands, when the crack in his defenses had been blown wide open and Rey had made herself at home in his heart.

 

Her lips are full and he wonders what she looks like when she smiles. He’d like to see her smile. He’d like to make her smile …

 

\---

 

Her eyes snap open and she sees _him_ staring openly at her. His eyes are full of that yearning again and it fills her with _rage_. How dare he look at her like that!

 

Throwing off whatever it is that’s covering her, she shuffles away from him until her back hits rock and she takes in her surroundings. They seem to be in some kind of cave and the swift change in temperature from moving away from her cocoon of warmth makes her skin prickle.

 

He stands and moves towards her, calling out, “Rey-”

 

“Stay away from me!” she snarls, breathing heavily. Looking around wildly, she realizes she’s trapped. No staff, no weapon of any kind, her greatest enemy not eight feet from her.

 

Kylo swallows thickly and nods, moving to the other side of the cave. He crouches down, keeping the heating unit between them as he holds his hands up. “Alright, I won’t come near you,” he says, obviously trying to keep his voice calm.

 

“I’m serious. You stay over there!” Gods, it’s cold.

 

“I know you are. I promise, I will stay right here,” he says measuredly.

 

There’s none of the chaotic storm she’s come to think of as Kylo Ren. He just looks … sad. Maybe he’s feeling guilty. “Oh. Okay. Good.”

 

Kylo works his jaw for a moment and she sees too many emotions at once to be able to discern anything from him. He keeps breathing in and out purposefully, like he’s trying to keep himself calm.

 

“Please get back under the blanket. I’m going to make tea and soup. You need warm liquids right now,” he says matter-of-factly.

 

No way is she going to let this … this _monster_ take care of her.  “I’ll do it myself,” she says as she starts to get to her feet but sways unsteadily, landing hard on her bottom. He jumps to his feet then stiffly returns to his kneeling position.

 

His eyes … those impossible deep brown eyes are nearly frantic, but his tone is soft as he pleads, “Please, please stay warm. Let me do this for you.”

 

“No! I don’t want anything from you!” she spits. But maybe she should wrap herself back in the blanket.

 

He closes his eyes for a moment and once again nothing adds up. He looks like she’s truly hurt him and, Force, she just wants everything to make sense again! No. It doesn’t matter. She just has to get through this and get back to the base. Rey refuses to think about why she ran away in the first place.

 

Grabbing for the blanket, she notices a coat, too. But she’s wearing her coat, what … she looks up and sees that he’s only in a thick tunic. Even with the heating unit, it’s far from a comfortable temperature in the cave. She lifts what must be his own coat and looks at it for a long time, not liking what it means that he wrapped her in his own protection from the cold.

 

When she lifts her face she finds him watching her, that longing back in full force. “You were nearly dead from cold when I found you. I had to warm you up,” he explains.

 

Why? Why would he risk his life like this? Why did _he_ come for her? She doesn’t want to think about it. She never asked him to do this and she wants nothing from him. Nodding stiffly, she gestures to the offending garment. “Well you can take it back.”

 

His lips purse and he sighs heavily. “Rey … no, you’re still recovering, you need both the blanket _and_ the coat. Please let me … let me care for you.”

 

The tone he uses … he sounds so plaintive, as if caring for her means so much more to him than just here, now. His bearing is open and she doesn’t know what to do with everything she thinks she knows and it all becomes too much. “I don’t understand you! How can you have done what you did then risk your life for me? I just … I just don’t understand,” she nearly wails.

 

Looking at his hands, he murmurs, “Perhaps because I didn’t do it?” His voice drops so low she can barely hear him. “Perhaps because I would do anything for you. For both of you.”

 

Rey’s hand lifts to her belly and she looks away briefly. “But if you didn’t … how, how is _this_ possible?”

 

He stays kneeling on the other side of the heating unit and looks up into her anguished face. “I will tell you what I think has happened, but first, please, _please_ lay back down. You need to stay warm. I … I need you to stay warm.” His eyes plead with her and she feels _something_ inside her shift. Somehow she knows he’s not going to hurt her. Maybe … maybe she should at least listen to what he has to say.

 

“I … alright,” she says as shifts on the ledge, pulling both the blanket _and_ the coat … his coat over her.

 

His eyes go liquid with a warmth she would never have thought possible and he almost seems to shudder.  

 

“ _Thank you_.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, you really are so great. You always push me juuuuuust enough. <3
> 
> Thank you readers! Thank you all so very much for being so supportive of my upcoming move and random posting schedule. It looks like we'll be in New Orleans in August! And of course, your support of my writing is what's keeping me going during this rather wacky time. *big Perry hugs*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who keeps grabbing my hand and saying, "You're going to be writing full time, Peanut!!!!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy and slightly less Mad Mama have no choice but to talk and oh darn, it's night time and the temperature is dropping fast. I just can't imagine what will happen next!

Now that she’s going to listen, he finds he doesn’t even know where to begin. How is he supposed to explain his family’s complex, _maddening_ history? She’s on her side, her head propped up on one elbow. That she’s wrapped up in the blanket and his coat gives him comfort even as the chill is settling into his bones.

 

Kylo can feel her eyes on him as he decides to busy himself making her tea. There’s a small supply of water, but soon he’ll need to go outside to gather snow. He connects the cooking device to the heating unit and he sets the water to boil then pulls out a cup and the tea, setting them aside until the water is ready.

 

Out of things to occupy himself with, he looks up and finds her eyes still on him. They’re open, curious, not guarded, not afraid.

 

He sighs deeply and begins. “My family …. I think you know a bit of our history?” He peers up at her from his place across from her, the heating unit still between them. The cave is even smaller than her hut on the island and it feels … intimate.

 

She nods for him to continue. “Are you aware that my grandfather is Darth Vader?”

 

Scoffing, she says, “Everyone knows that.”

 

The casual way she dismisses a fact kept from him for most of his life stings, but he knows it’s not her fault. He just nods.

 

“Well, what you don’t know, what very few people know is that-”

 

“What does that have to do with why I’m pregnant?” she interrupts impatiently.

 

His pulse quickens and he’s terrified she’ll stop letting him explain. “Please, just listen. I promise it will all make sense soon. I know this … situation doesn’t look … good, but I promise you’ll understand once I’ve explained. I promise.” Holding his breath, he pleads with his eyes for her patience. _Please, Rey, please ..._

 

She gets a confused, queer expression on her face and looks away and his stomach flips in apprehension. But then she looks back at him and she’s gesturing for him to continue.

 

The relief is so powerful that he has to take a moment to center himself. If she doesn’t believe him he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Everything, he’d risked everything for this chance.

 

Carefully, he returns to his tale. “You see … my grandfather was a product of the Force. His mother, she’d never …” He pauses, clearing his throat as he feels his cheeks heat. “She’d never … _been_ with a man. The Force brought him into being.”

 

Kylo holds her gaze meaningfully, hoping he doesn’t have to go into more detail. Rey blinks quickly and he waits for her reaction. “Wait, so she was like me?”

 

For a moment Kylo is thrown and he asks, “Like you?”

 

Now she won’t meet his eyes and he tries to be patient. She’s fiddling with the blanket and a lovely blush stains her cheeks. Force, she’s so beautiful.

 

Keeping her eyes down she murmurs, “It’s … it’s why I thought that someone had …” Her eyes find his for the briefest of moments and where he’d expected to find that horrible fear, he instead finds … hope?

 

She takes in a shaky breath before she says, “Well, anyway, the doctor asked if I’d ever lost time, been unconscious … because I’ve never … I’ve never …” Her hand flails and he dares to hope that she’s like him. Untouched.

 

He knows it’s none of his business, that he has no claim on her, but he can’t seem to suppress the constant chant of ‘Mine’ in the back of his head. These feelings, these new, confusing, completely foreign feelings she brings out in him, what is he to do with them?

 

Though she’s hinted, he needs to know, so he asks, “You’ve never what?”

 

Rey glares at him then huffs out a frustrated breath. “I’ve never … done … _that_.”

 

He’s almost ashamed of the peaceful satisfaction that flows through him. He shouldn’t … he shouldn’t think about her like this. It shouldn’t matter to him that he could be her first, that they could discover each other together.

 

He’s nothing to her, not really. Not like she is to him. He sighs, trying to hide his feelings and confirms, “Then yes, you are like my great-grandmother, Shmi.”

 

“Shmi,” she utters, like she’s tasting the name in her mouth. Then her eyes snap to his with a focus that makes him sit up straighter. “The Force … the Force can do that?” she asks keenly.

 

“Yes, it ...“ For a moment he almost tells her about the prophecy, but that will only muddle matters. “It seems to have an almost conscious will, like when—on Starkiller Base—the saber went to you and not to me.”

 

She goes very quiet, twisting her free hand in the blanket. “Rey?” he nudges.

 

Keeping her face turned down, he can’t catch her eyes. Kylo tries again, “Rey?”

 

Finally, she again meets his eyes. “You think … you think the _Force_ did this to me?” she asks, her tone laced with betrayal.

 

It’s then that he sees that she views the Force as something benevolent, not understanding that it simply doesn’t work like that. Regretfully, he says, “I … yes, yes I do.”

                                                                                                        

“But … this is different than what you just told me … how … how is it _yours_?”

 

That’s occupied many of his thoughts. He’s still not entirely certain that there wasn’t some random man on Tatooine who had been his great-grandfather, the Force taking what it needed. No one had ever thought to check. “I can only assume that when we touched hands … the Force decided to bind us together in another way as well.” _Oh Rey, I’d bind myself to you in any way I could._

 

She pulls herself into a sitting position, wrapping her body more tightly in the blanket and his coat. For a long time she stares at the heating unit and the warm light makes her eyes almost gold.

 

He lets her think, though he’s desperate to know what’s going on in her head. Does she believe him? Does she understand that he couldn’t do this to her? Does she perceive even a fraction of what she means to him?

 

Very quietly she says, “I want to believe you. I do. After everything … thinking you’d …”

 

“I didn’t, I swear I didn’t. I know … I know I’ve done horrible, _monstrous_ things, but I could never do that. Never. Especially not to you.” Just remembering her face when she’d begged him not to hurt her leaves him breathless.

 

Rey’s head tilts to the side. “You’ve said that before. Why not to me in particular?” she asks bluntly.

 

He suddenly feels exposed, afraid to be honest with her. Something deep inside of him wants to just tell her how far he’s fallen, how desperate he is to just lo- no, no. He won’t use that word, not yet. Besides, he’s not sure he can bear more of her rejection. “Because … because you’re my equal in the Force.”

 

Sadness flits through her eyes and she looks down. “Oh.”

 

Not knowing what to do with her bearing he pauses. She almost seems disappointed and he dares to wonder If she … could she possibly? Does she want him, too? It’s too much to hope, really, but to hell with it. Let her reject him again. “Because … you _matter_ to me. You both do,” he declares sincerely.

 

Her head snaps up. “You … you really want this baby?”

 

“Very much.” _With you ..._

 

She nibbles at her lip and looks away again. “I don’t know what to think. The Force did this? I don’t know enough about it to know if I can believe you. I do want to, I … I don’t want you to have done this to me.”

 

He’s protested his innocence enough and he’s tired of begging. All he has is the truth. “Leia Organa … m-my mother. She can confirm what I’ve said. She knows it’s true. She was going to talk to you about it, but you ran away before she could.”

 

There’s a glimmer of _something_ in her eyes and he’s sure he’s getting through to her. “Why did you do that, run away?” he asks.

 

Her face closes and she shakes her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

The way she’s tensed up makes him wary. Did someone hurt her? Was it because of him? Was she running from _him_?

 

“Rey … was it because I came?”

 

She begins to again shake her head then stops. “Not exactly, but please, I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Kylo wants to press her, find out what drove her out onto the ice, but the soft ping indicating the water is hot interrupts them. He purses his lips, deciding to let this go, for now. He shifts his attention to making her tea. Once it’s ready he looks up at her.

 

“Is it alright if I bring this to you?”

 

There’s a slight twitch to her lips and he thinks it might have been the start of a smile. He hopes it was. “Yes, that’s alright.”

 

He stands slowly and approaches her carefully. He’s mindful not to touch her fingers as he hands her the tea. She takes it and inhales the steam deeply and then she really does smile. It’s the first time he’s seen that expression on her face and warmth blooms in his chest, briefly chasing the cold from his body.

 

“Thank you,” she murmurs softly.

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

Watching her sip the tea he has made for her calms him in a way he can’t understand. All he knows is that she’s here, she’s safe, and she’s letting him care for her.

 

\---

 

She’s on her side, her back to him and her mind is in tumult. This has happened before? The Force, this new thing shuddering through her had done this to her?

 

Grateful, so grateful that maybe it wasn’t him. It’s freed her somehow, allowed her memories to once again become sacred.

  
Because that’s what they were … sacred. There’s something between them, it’s … indefinable but strong and …

 

She remembers how the Church of the Force would come around, try to convince her to join them. They’d spoken of the Force as if it had almost been a being, a consciousness. She wishes now that she’d listened more intently.

 

This thing, this … bond between her and _him_. It’s so strong, it defies explanation and pulls her to him in a way she can’t fight. Doesn’t want to. His eyes, gods, his eyes, the way he pleads with her. It’s almost as if he truly cares.

 

No … no, that can’t be it. It’s the child. He cares about the child. All those yearning looks, they’re for the child. They have to be. Even Poe’s abrupt _offer_ had been more about the child than her.

 

So of course all of the concern and care this confusing, _compelling_ man has shown her would be about protecting the baby. No one would want her. Besides, he’s already told her that she’s nothing.

 

Right, okay, so if she allows herself to believe he didn’t do this to her, that it’s the Force … she’s already rather fed up with the Force if she’s honest with herself. It’s only turned her life upside down.

 

But, she has to think this through. This child, it’s happened because the Force willed it. It wants her bound to Be-no, no, no, to _Kylo_. Ben is dead. He made that perfectly clear.

 

As much as she wants to believe him, for reasons she refuses to examine, she won’t fully until she can speak with Leia. If Leia confirms what he’s said … then … then she’ll _know_ he’s telling the truth. She pushes away the knowledge that her heart already does. That it always had.

 

Maker, how long has she been on her side, staring at the craggy rock? He’d already fed her soup then left her to her thoughts. He’s being so … kind. She wants … she wants …

 

She lets out a great sigh and throws herself over to her other side, keeping the blanket and his coat wrapped around her. When her eyes land on him she can’t help but gasp. He’s wrapped himself into a ball and he’s as close to the heating unit as he can get. Oh … she’d forgotten about the temperature. He’s obviously terribly, _dangerously_ cold.

 

Watching him shiver, she turns her options over in her head. It’s only then that she remembers strong arms around her. Had he … had he held her, warmed her? The thought should be repellent, but instead she’s almost sad she can’t recall what it felt like to be in his arms.

 

There are fleeting memories of him begging her to forgive him, that he’s not going to hurt her. He’s been so careful, keeping himself away …

 

“You should take your coat,” she says in a hushed tone.

 

He startles at the sound of her voice, and his eyes look so lost when they meet hers.

 

“No, you keep it,” he says, shaking his head.

 

“Don’t be stupid, you’re obviously cold.”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” he grits out.

 

“Kylo …” she admonishes, not able to ignore the flinch when she says his chosen name.

 

His eyes hold hers and she wishes this connection between them would allow her to hear his thoughts. “Please … I don’t want you to suffer,” she pleads, pulling the coat from her. She can’t suppress the shiver that moves through her once the added warmth is removed. It’s grown even colder; it must be night.

 

Frowning, Kylo again shakes his head and says firmly, “I’m fine.”

 

But she can see the tremors moving through his limbs and she knows he’s not.

 

She knows what she needs to do, what the circumstances demand. Looking at him, his curved shoulders and his warm, deep eyes holding hers, she knows, she _knows_ that he didn’t hurt her.

 

For the first time, she allows herself to let in the knowledge that he’s the father of this life growing within her. Regardless of her feelings on the matter. Such conflicted feelings … they share a child. A _child_. A whole new being made of them.

 

Remembering her dreams as she’d sent herself to him in that tiny pod … she knows it’s all ash now, but … but …

 

His eyes, they’re so open and vulnerable and it’s like she can see his soul in their warm, brown depths. Of course he couldn’t hurt her. It’s hard to speak past the shame that she ever thought he could, but she manages. “Come here,” she entreats as she spreads his coat back over her and lifts the blanket, beckoning him to her.

 

His eyes fly wide and for a moment he doesn’t move. But it’s getting cold, letting the warmth bleed away. “Seriously, don’t be an ass. Come here.” This time she orders him.

 

Slowly, carefully, he creeps towards her. Once he starts to lay beside her he stops, “You’re … you’re sure?”

 

“Sure I don’t want you to freeze to death? Yeah, I’m sure.”

 

He’s so stiff as he climbs under the covers and she huffs in frustration, pulling him to her.

 

She’s not sure what to make of the low whimper he makes when she wraps her arms around him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the ever-marvelous ArtemisBare for always giving me the confidence to press 'post'. You have fantastic insight and I'm so grateful for your help.
> 
> Thank you readers! Look at this, just over a week since I last updated! You have all been so tremendously supportive and understanding and I'm still holding out for that Reylo Tea Party. We'll all wear fancy hats! I also want to assure 'Unbidden' readers that it's not abandoned. It's just at a delicate stage and takes more focus than I have at present and I want to make sure to get it right.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing. Thirteen years ago today we pledged our lives to each other forever and not a day has gone by that I wouldn't marry you again. Happy Anniversary, Biscuit!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy and Mad Mama make more progress and Space Bun again reaches out for Papa.

This is a special kind of hell.

 

_An indescribable heaven._

 

Rey is wrapped around him, holding him to her in a way that feels _fatally_ authentic and though he’s trying _so hard_ to stay still he can’t keep from trembling.

 

Then her hand settles against his chest and she starts making soothing circles—and oh gods—it feels so right to have her touching him, _choosing_ to touch him. She’s pressed close against his back and his body is alight with _possibility_ , just this first step damning his foolish heart to yet more torment.

 

His instincts are screaming at him to turn to her, to pull her into his arms, feel hers around him, tangle themselves together so completely they never come undone, but he ruthlessly pushes down the _want_ crowding away his reason.

 

Now that he’s here with her, now that she seems to believe him, he sees that what he wants most—for them to belong wholly to each other, to be a true family—is preposterous. She’d thought him capable of _violating_ her. Rey will never see him as anything other than a monster.

 

And yet … a monster she’s allowed so near … No, no, he can’t think like that. She’s just trying to warm him up, that’s all. She’s just being … Rey.

 

For a single, glorious moment he lets himself drift, allowing the warmth of her body and the light of her spirit to carry him along their currents. There’s a strength in her smaller frame that makes him feel safe … protected. Without even trying, she coaxes his long-buried hope into a flickering flame and he knows he will burn, oh how he’ll _burn_.

 

Letting out a long sigh, he pulls himself back from the dreaming. The best he can hope for is that she allows him to stay, to know his child. He’s well and truly destroyed any pathways he could take back to the First Order with the intelligence he gave to the Resistance and the absolute wreck he’d left the systems. Hux already suspects, probably actually knows, that he’s the one who killed Snoke.

 

There’s no way back to the First Order, and he finds he doesn’t want there to be. It frees him in the same way Luke’s actions had. Then, he’d felt he had no choice but to go to Snoke. And now … now there is nowhere else to go, nowhere else to be but here, with his child. With Rey.

 

Well, _near_ Rey, at least. Just being able to watch her belly ripen, be a father to the baby … that’s enough. He’ll find a way for it to be enough.

 

It doesn’t matter that he’s never felt so complete. It doesn’t matter that nothing, nothing has ever felt so good, so _very_ good as her arms holding him close. It doesn’t matter that she trips through his heart as if there wasn’t a thick, nearly unsurpassable wall around his softer feelings.

 

So he stays as he is, desperately trying not to feel whatever it is between them as it _pulses_.

 

He fails.

 

\---

 

Maker, his heart is beating so quickly under her hand! Rey wants to ask him what’s wrong, but he’s so stiff and uncomfortable that eventually she stops trying to calm him. She’d accused him of a heinous crime, berated him. Obviously he’d prefer she not touch him.

 

That she _wants_ to touch him … she doesn’t know what to do with that. She may now know he’d never hurt her, and gods it’s such a relief, but it doesn’t change what happened in the throne room.

 

One thing at a time. She finally has some semblance of equanimity back and she doesn’t need to throw herself into chaos again so soon. The conflict between the facts she’d had in front of her and what she knew deep down had been ripping her in two. Not having to fight with herself constantly anymore is a balm to her tattered nerves.

 

There’s a rightness to being so close to him, but she doesn’t want to take advantage of the situation when she’s not even sure _why_ she wants to hold him so fiercely. Why would he want her to hold him anyway? She’s just a _scavenger_.

 

Once she’s certain he’s warm enough, she slowly withdraws her arms and another little sound escapes him, but she can’t interpret what it means.

 

She has to stay close to his back, there’s not enough room under the blanket to move away from him. The connection? The bond? It’s clearly happy to have them close, and she doesn’t know what to do with the feelings roiling inside her.

 

The simmering, bubbling excitement she’d felt as she’d landed her little pod on the _Supremacy_ is back in full force and she doesn’t even really know _what_ she’s feeling. All she knows is that she was more comfortable wrapped around him. It was almost like completing a circuit, the sparking, confusing pull becoming a surging flow of energy.

 

Sleep. She should just sleep. She won’t have to think if she’s unconscious.

 

And if she lets his rhythmic breathing lull her to sleep, well, no one has to know.

 

\---

 

Kylo comes awake slowly, disoriented. The contentment running along his limbs keeps him from sitting up quickly, but he knows he’s somewhere strange. Then he takes in the rocky ceiling of the cave and all at once he _remembers_. He’s shifted to his back in the night and _Rey_ is asleep across his torso.

 

Oh … _oh_ … A quiet, broken moan escapes him as he looks down.

 

Her sweet face is against his chest and she has her hand curled in his tunic while her leg is over his, nestled between his thighs. His arms are wrapped securely around her and the fingers of one hand are tangled in her hair.

 

If last night had clamored for all of his control, _this_ is well beyond his ability to deny. He knows he should wake her up, she’ll be horrified when she realizes with whom she’s so intimately entwined.

 

But he can’t. He just _can’t_.

 

Slowly, he begins to stroke his fingers through her hair and Force, what would he give to have taken off his gloves last night? He’s certain her tresses would be so soft. Everything about her is soft and firm at the same time. She’s strong, lean, but somehow she fits against him perfectly. Every hard plane of his body finds a matching curve in hers.

 

He watches her, completely enraptured, taking in everything, storing it for later. How her lips are parted slightly and she makes a little noise with each breath. How her lids flutter minutely. The delicate curve of her cheekbones and the light dusting of freckles along the bridge of her nose … stars, his chest isn’t large enough to hold all of the feelings she pulls from him.

 

Bliss. That’s the only word for this moment. This may be his only chance to hold her like this, and he wants to soak in every single _scrap_ of this indescribable feeling.

 

Just when he didn’t think he could be more enthralled, he again senses the _child_. A joyful, curious tendril of the Force curls around him, making his heart stutter in his chest. He wonders … could he respond? Tentatively, he winds a burst of his own energy around this singular sensation and he feels a flutter of recognition.

 

Emboldened, he focuses on the way their Force signatures are … well, playing together, and follows it.

 

The uncomplicated, gleeful being he finds humbles him. This incredibly light, _beautiful_ spirit is half him? The thought almost won’t form, even as he’s overtaken by awe.

 

_Papa!_

 

His eyes sting as the almost-word forms in his mind, more an impression than actual language. It’s not like talking, or even going into another’s mind. In fact, it almost tickles and he finds himself smiling widely.

 

 _Hello, little one_.

 

A bubble of happiness forms in his chest and he knows it’s a shared feeling. Oh, how he’ll treasure his child …

 

Before he knows it, quite some time has passed as he dances his Force signature along his baby’s. It really is like playing a game. He unfurls a tendril and the child chases it, something like laughter flooding his senses.

 

He’s pulled from the warm, happy place when he feels Rey stiffen in his arms. He loosens his hold immediately but she doesn’t pull away.

 

The baby reaches for him again and Rey gasps. “What … what’s going on?” she asks as this time she does shift away and splays her hand along her belly, looking down at her still-flat stomach.

 

Kylo clears his throat and hesitantly says, “The baby … the baby reached out to me. Is still reaching out to me.”

 

Her eyes go to his and he expects to find censure, but instead her expression is completely open. “I know … I can feel it … I can feel _her_.”

 

“H-her?” he stutters out.

 

“Yes … I can feel her! Oh, stars. A girl.”

 

Maker, she’s still very close, but his arms feel so empty. He wants to grab her back, laugh and cry together over this news. A daughter. They’re going to have a daughter!

 

\---

 

She wakes to the most incredible feeling of uncomplicated happiness. It’s as if she’s been surrounded with pure light, a kind of innocence she has no memory of.

 

All at once she realizes she’s in his arms and he’s wide open to her, his feelings washing over her. They aren’t what she’d expected, _at all_. He’s almost … _giddy_ so he obviously doesn’t mind having her close, but she didn’t think _Kylo Ren_ could even _have_ feelings like this.

 

Embarrassed to find she’d wrapped herself around him like a vine, she looks up to see him _grinning_? Then she feels it. The eager, delighted burble of the baby! Somehow, Kylo and the child are … playing.

 

They’re distinct as their Force signatures wind through her and she focuses on the baby … her baby. Their baby. Their _daughter_. She doesn’t understand how she knows, but somehow, she just does.

 

When she shares this revelation with Kylo, she has to blink to make sure she’s seeing properly. His eyes are _shining_ with adoration and wonder. She feels something pass between him and the baby. Hints of words flit through her mind, but she can’t quite parse it. She thinks he’s indicated that he and Rey need to talk, but she’s not sure.

 

As he soothes one last wave of the Force along their baby, the depth of his devotion for this little life steals Rey’s breath. There’s no doubt that he cares about his daughter.

 

But then his gaze dims and a shadow passes along his face. He looks away for a long time. She’s on her side facing him and he’s still on his back.

 

The silence stretches and a bleakness settles in her heart. Did she do something wrong? Has she misunderstood? Did he want a son? She untangles their legs but is forced to stay close because of the cold.

 

Then he takes in a trembling breath and shakes his head as if clear it. His gaze returns to hers and she again finds that soft yearning in his eyes.

 

“Rey …” It comes out low and pleading.

 

She nods, not knowing how else to respond.

 

He lifts his hand, reaching for hers, tremors visibly shaking his fingers, but he stops himself. At first she’s confused, but then she remembers how careful he’s been with her. Perhaps his fear of touching her is just because of her accusation. Steeling herself for rejection, she closes the distance herself and places her hand over his.

 

That same low whimper fills her ears. Slowly, he turns his hand over and their fingers curl together. His hands are so large, but somehow they lace together perfectly and again the circuit is completed. This time though, whatever it is that flows between them is gentle and soothing. She’s caught, pinned by the swirling emotions in his eyes.

 

“Rey, I know you never would have chosen this, but I need you to know that I will do _everything_ in my power to care for our daughter and … I hope …” He trails off and his lips purse for a moment. “What I mean is … please let me be a father to our girl.”

 

His fingers tighten around hers and his lips tremble. “Please.”

 

It’s so like the moment in the throne room when he’d offered her the galaxy in return for taking everything from her. Except this time the answer is surprisingly easy.

 

She’s about to respond when a great cracking sound comes from the cave’s entryway.

 

Kylo moves faster than she ever would have thought a man of his size _could_ and he’s between her and the rapidly disappearing ice before she’s even able to gain her feet. His whole posture shifts from entreaty to a promise of violence in the blink of an eye.

 

She tries to move around him to see who is breaking through their makeshift door, but Kylo immediately angles his body to keep her shielded.

 

There’s another loud sound as more ice falls, and she’s had quite enough of being herded. She opens her mouth to protest his treatment of her when he tenses even further.

 

“Dameron,” Kylo growls, contempt dripping from each syllable.

 

Rey rubs the bridge of her nose and groans.

 

Leia better be right behind with her blaster set to stun.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! You are always so speedy, I can't begin to tell you how awesome you are!
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm so lucky to have you. You are so supportive, kind, and witty. You give me such confidence and keep me going during the madness that is selling a house and moving across country. *space cupcakes for everyone!*
> 
> A special thank you for all of the anniversary good wishes, that was so touching and it made the day that much more special. Thank you.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who looked after myself, Mama Downing, and Sister Downing this weekend, taking into consideration three different dietary requirements and still making delicious food that made all three of us happy. It wasn't easy, but he knocked it out of the park!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Suitor the Second ruins the moment and throws testosterone all over the place. Desperate Daddy appreciates that someone else is looking out for Mad Mama. Yeah, right, he goes into snarling guard dog mode and Mad Mama steps in.

After he withdraws from his daughter, still on his back, he has to look away from Rey, the temptation and need far too strong to withstand if he lets himself forget what’s really going on here. If he’s not careful, he’ll either break down and beg or grab her and kiss her.

 

It’s all so upside down and backwards. The peace that has always eluded him is _right here_ , bundled under the covers and seductively near. Making his baby girl so happy with just a tendril of the Force is utterly beguiling and deeply fulfilling, bringing him a contentment he’s never known.

 

That he, this broken mess of badly made parts, can create such joy in another’s heart—all from just a simple game—it leaves him breathless. What will it be like to hold her in his arms? Tickle her little belly? Watch her learn to walk, watch her learn _everything_?

 

And Rey … Rey is so close. The fantasy tumbles through his mind with frightening ease, the three of them together. Telling Rey what he feels, sharing all of himself with her and knowing her in turn … raising their child _together_.

 

Yet his little family might as well be across the galaxy, with everything that stands between him and the happiness he feels slipping through his fingers with each passing second. It must be well into morning by now and the wind has stopped howling. Soon, Rey will have no reason to even talk to him, never mind let him touch her.

 

Staring at the rocky wall of the cavern, he wants to laugh at himself. He’d sought his answer in power, in subjugating huge swaths of the galaxy, pruning away his humanity bit by bit, walling himself off from anyone or anything that could hurt him when the solution had always been so simple. His family had failed him, but he could never stop needing them.

 

What he needed was his _own_ family. But instead he’s trapped in a twisted parallel of his despised childhood. Rey may not even allow him to be a father to his daughter, and even if she does, their child will be endlessly caught between her parents, just like he had been. The pain of failing his little girl before she’s even really begun strikes him deeper than Force lightning or his family’s betrayal ever could.

 

But … he can’t really see Rey being like his own mother, putting aside her child for ambition. Or denying her a father, Rey knowing that hollowness far too well. He’s been in her mind and this connection between them has given him glimpses.

 

No, Rey will be steadfast, true, selfless—he’s certain of it. Though … she might feel she needs to protect the baby from him ... Would she keep him from their daughter? He doesn’t think so, but he needs to _know_.

 

Centering himself with a shaky breath, he finally turns back to her. Her expression is closed and she seems almost fearful. No, that won’t do. And so he hesitantly reaches for her hand, only to lose his nerve at the last moment.

 

But she … unbelievably, _she_ finishes the movement for him and he has to suppress a sigh of completion as she once again chooses to touch him. Their fingers interlace and he finds it in himself to ask her … ask her to let him be in their lives.

 

Kylo wants to plead for her to let him take care of her, too, to give him another chance. For months he’d stewed in his rage and resentment, almost hating her for abandoning him like everyone else. Now, though, now he really doesn’t care, if she’ll only let him _stay_.

 

He shouldn’t be greedy. He’s always wanted more than was in his grasp. The miracle of his daughter is already too much to hope for. Two miracles in one lifetime? Not for a man like him.

 

The low light glints in her hazel eyes and time stretches as he waits for her sentence. Will she condemn him to being just like his father or stay the executioner's blade poised over his heart?

 

Breathing is out of the question as he waits, and his stomach flips with nervous anticipation as she opens her mouth. But then the ice protecting his fractured family begins to crack apart.

 

Facing the intruder, he’s infuriated with himself that he’d left his saber in his ship to avoid confrontation. Luckily, he has _many_ ways to defend what’s his. His instincts have never been so _raw_ before, his violence has always been calculated. But this, this is all consuming and bypasses conscious thought.

 

On some level he knows it’s likely to just be the Resistance, but until he knows for sure, he’s ready to fight with tooth and claw.

 

The icy barrier falls away completely and his eyes narrow. Of course, of course it would be _him_.

 

“ _Dameron_.” Something ancient stirs in his blood. This man is a _threat_.

 

The cocky pilot doesn’t have his usual air of being untouchable. His eyes fly around the small cave frantically. “Where is she?” he demands.

 

Oh, that gets right up Kylo’s nose. This _encroacher_ has already taken one position from him. It had been very difficult not to kill the man as he’d sifted through his memories once he’d seen the pride in his mother’s eyes, pride Kylo had never seen for himself.

 

Not this time, Dameron. Rey is _protected_. Sacrosanct. Not for you.

 

He begins to snarl his response, that Rey is none of his concern, when her voice rings out, strong and clear. “Here, I’m here.”

 

Fists curling tightly to keep from thrusting her back behind him—where she belongs—he stands stiffly, vibrating with suppressed fury as she comes out from where he had her protected.

 

“Rey! Oh thank the Maker you’re alright! I’m so sorry I upset you!” Dameron exclaims rushing forward. What? _He’d_ upset her? _He’s_ why Rey had run? Then it doesn’t matter because with dawning horror Kylo realizes that Dameron is enfolding Rey in his embrace. Touching her. _Touching her_!

 

He doesn’t know what to do with the pain blooming in his chest as she so casually lets _Poe Dameron_ hold her close. But then Rey is pulling back quickly, gasping.

 

She holds her belly with both hands and finds Kylo’s eyes swiftly. The fear he finds there has him at her side in an instant, crowding _between_ Rey and Dameron. He ignores the pilot’s indignant noise.

 

“What is it?” he asks as he places his own hand over hers, not thinking, panic rising.

 

“She … she … I don’t know how to explain it, I just felt a swell of _something_ from the baby.”

 

Kylo reaches out, following the new path between him and his child and feels … confusion … fear … and anger? He’s only been able to communicate with her in the most rudimentary of ways, impressions more than words, so he sends a burst of reassurance … of love.

 

_Papa’s got you._

 

The moment she knows he’s there, her distress recedes, replaced with her bright, glorious light.

 

Rey sighs in relief. “It’s okay, she’s okay.”

 

Kylo realizes what he’s done and swiftly takes his hand away from her abdomen. He can’t just touch her like that!

 

“What’s going on?” Dameron asks in frustration, but instead of answering him, she looks up into Kylo’s eyes. That’s right, Rey is paying attention to the _father of her child_ , flyboy.

 

“What did you do?” There’s no accusation in her tone, just genuine curiosity.

 

“I … I just let her know I was … here, that she’s safe.”

 

She starts to smile and the connection between them almost purrs, but then Dameron snorts contemptuously. Kylo’s jaw clenches. Someday, _soon_ , he’s going to deal with Commander Dameron.

 

“Like anyone could ever be safe with _you_ , Kylo Ren.” His disdain is palpable.

 

Rey frowns and looks away.

 

“Well, it would seem that Rey and _my_ child are perfectly safe and sound, no thanks to you,” Kylo seethes back, taking a threatening step towards the other man who dares to challenge his right to protect his daughter and her mother.

 

Dameron lifts his chin, standing straight and thrusting out his chest. “I don’t care what Leia says, I know you did something to her.”

 

“Poe, no,” Rey interrupts, placing a placating hand on his chest. Kylo’s teeth grind at the sight of her slim hand pressed against another man. _This_ other man.

 

For a long, tense moment, both men lock eyes, their breathing heavy. Rey quietly entreats, “He didn’t do anything to me. It was the Force.”

 

Dameron breaks their staring contest first and turns to Rey. Kylo despises how she speaks to the pilot, the encroacher. Soft. Pleading. _Intimate_.

 

“You really believe that?” he asks incredulously.

 

Rey’s eyes flit to Kylo’s and stay there as she proclaims his innocence. “Yes, yes I do.”

 

“Come on, Rey! This is Kylo Ren, scourge of the galaxy! Why would you trust him?” Dameron gestures emphatically at Kylo and his eyes burn with malice.

 

Her gaze shifts to the pilot and Kylo just wants to Force push him out of the cave, stay here forever in this little bubble with just Rey. Pretend there’s nothing in the galaxy but them and their growing child.

 

“I trust him because he’s given me no reason not to.” Her tone has lost that pleading quality.

 

“ _What_? He’s the Supreme Leader of the First Order, for gods’ sake!”

 

Rey’s attention is back on Kylo, her eyes keen. “Are you? Are you still the Supreme Leader?” she asks him.

 

The air grows charged, and he feels like she’s asking so much more than his current title. She doesn’t know that his allegiance shifted to only her and the baby from the moment he learned of her pregnancy. He answers honestly. “No. No I’m not.”

 

Her lips curve into a beautiful smile and her eyes glimmer with something akin to pride. He wonders what would have happened if he’d just gone with her that day on the _Supremacy_ , when for one shining, perfect moment they’d been so in sync that anything was possible as long as they were together.

 

“I trust him, Poe. You just need to accept that,” she says with an air of finality.

 

Kylo stands a little straighter and he wants to rub the infuriating interloper’s nose in Rey’s pronouncement. Then it hits him, what she’s actually _said_. With the life she’s led, her trust is rare and precious and he can’t quite believe she’d give him such a gift.

 

Dameron’s jaw tightens and he says, “Fine. Whatever. He’s still a murdering maniac.”

 

Rey’s eyes flash with pain and she looks away from Kylo, her posture immediately stiffening. Right. Still a monster.

 

Taking in a steadying breath, Kylo begins to pack their gear and Dameron goes outside to comm the rest of the search party.

 

Rey rolls up the blanket and the silence between them grows uneasy and tense. He’s appalled to find his eyes stinging as the fragile, tentative closeness they’d been rebuilding recedes.

 

\---

 

Leia’s heart had finally started to beat normally again once Poe had commed that he’d found them and that they were on their way back. Now she’s waiting impatiently by the main blast doors, pacing.

 

It feels like they must have had to travel halfway across Shenden when they finally arrive. Rey looks remarkably well for having spent the night on the ice but her son seems … diminished. The pulsing rage has leached out and he stays several paces behind Rey but his eyes follow her every movement.

 

Poe however, he’s hovering and clucking like a mother hen and that’s when she sees that Ben’s fists are curling and uncurling and there’s a nerve jumping in his cheek. Dammit, Dameron. Why Rey? Leia is going to have to speak with him.

 

“I’m so glad you’re alright,” Leia says to Rey as she pulls her in for a tight hug. Rey almost clings to her and she wonders what might have happened.

 

Rey whispers in her ear, “Please, I need to talk to you, away from _Poe_.” Leia’s eyebrow rises. She would have thought her son would be the more pressing issue. Things have clearly changed dramatically between Rey and Ben. Yes, they definitely need to talk.

 

Leia nods then steps back from Rey. “Poe, we’ve heard from Finn and he’s returning early with new recruits, please make the necessary arrangements.”

 

Poe frowns slightly. “I’d like to get Rey to medical first.”

 

A low growl comes from Ben and his eyes are stormy. “She’s not your responsibility,” he snarls.

 

Whirling towards Ben, Poe spits back, “The hell she’s not!”

 

Rey’s hands go to her hips. “I’m perfectly capable of taking _myself_ to medical, I don’t need either of you!”

 

What a mess. Leia sighs heavily. “Poe, do as I asked. As for you …” Leia regards her son for a moment. “You’re going back to your … room.”

 

He visibly bristles, but then he takes in several measured breaths. “I would like to know that our child is alright after Rey was out on the ice for so long. Please allow me to be there. I won’t cause problems and I’ll go to my _cell_ directly afterwards.”

 

“I don’t like this,” grumbles Poe.

 

“ _Commander_ Dameron, I believe I gave you an order,” Leia barks, using _that_ tone.

 

Poe’s lips purse together in a hard line, but he nods stiffly. “Yes, ma’am.”

 

Once he’s gone, Leia turns to Rey and says, “It’s your decision, if he’s with you or not when we go see Dr. Kalonia.”

 

She’s surprised by the way her son’s posture becomes almost submissive, his head bent, waiting for Rey’s choice quietly. What in the galaxy happened out there last night? He’d been an open wound when she’d spoken with him privately, but now he seems almost resigned and she’s not sure what to make of the change.

 

Rey watches him for a moment, then tentatively approaches him. Leia’s eyes widen as she watches Rey’s hand rise slowly then land on Ben’s chest. His head jerks up and his eyes swim with a cautious vulnerability that makes Leia’s heart hurt. Oh, her boy is in _deep_.

 

The soft way Rey is looking at Ben causes Leia to feel like an intruder, so she averts her eyes as she hears Rey say, “I’d like … I’d like for you to be there.”

 

“Thank you,” he rumbles lowly.

 

Leia smiles.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare for being a lovely alpha reader (she reads for plot and flow, typos and whatnot are all my fault). Having you to reassure me and force me to describe things is such a gift!
> 
> Thank you readers! I can't tell you what your comments mean and I'm sorry I've not been able to reply to everyone. One of the things I'm most looking forward to after the move is the time to respond properly to comments. I've really missed that. Last week was particularly rough and the little ping from Ao3 with a new comment seriously got me through some bad days. *hugs you all*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who kept me from spinning into outer space this last week by being his steadfast self. I had to work 12 hours on Saturday at a huge event and he set himself up with the laptop at a cafe down the block so he'd be nearby in case I needed him. Sacrificed his whole Saturday just so I'd feel better knowing he was close.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy tries his best to hide his feelings but Not-so-mad Mama draws him out. Then Captain Cockblock shows up because, duh. Desperate Daddy has a little meltdown while Grateful Grandma tries to talk sense to Space Suitor the Second. Grateful Grandma comforts Desperate Daddy, who gives her a crumb.

“Well, Rey, you were right, you are indeed going to have a girl,” Dr. Kalonia says with a warm smile.

 

Rey glances to where Kylo stands at the edge of the room and suppresses a frown. He’d been so protective, so connected to their daughter in the cave, but now … he’s like a stone. It feels all wrong, somehow, that he’s far away. She doesn’t know what to do. Is he waiting for some sign from her that he’s welcome? Has he changed his mind about being here?

 

She’d never dreamed of motherhood, in fact she’d tried _so hard_ to make sure she never found herself in this predicament. On Jakku, if you were a scavenger, it meant death for mother and child. Unless the mother had a family or at least a mate … they never made it past the first few months.

 

Rey had never been able to imagine herself finding someone on Jakku, never really allowed herself to think about it because her family was coming for her. She’s still not sure how she’d managed to delude herself for so long. Because Be- no, NO, _Kylo_ had been right. Deep down, she’d always known.

 

Thus the only way she could fathom herself becoming pregnant was through violence and she’d learned fast and well how to defend herself from the _men of Niima_.

 

That’s probably why Plutt never did much more than leer and occasionally grab her. Couldn’t lose his best scavenger to the impossible demands of caring for an infant in the barren graveyard of Jakku. The thought of Plutt makes her almost snort in derision.

 

A spike of emotion draws her gaze to Kylo and she finds him looking at her with eyes blazing. Had … had he sensed her thoughts? His nostrils flare like an angry bantha and she can hear the creak of his leather gloves as his hands fist.

 

“Rey?” the doctor gets her attention.

 

“Sorry, sorry, I was just thinking.” Why does Kylo seem to care so much about her life before?

 

Dr. Kalonia looks at her with a long, measured gaze but just nods and goes to pull over a new piece of equipment.

 

Rey wishes she’d accepted Leia’s offer to be here. She suddenly feels exposed and so confused. She’s pregnant, the father is _right there_ and she’s struck with the realization that if they were on Jakku, Kylo Ren would have kept her and their child alive. He’d been so fierce in his insistence on saving her and the baby. No one on Jakku would have stood a chance. Yes … this brutal yet gentle man would have kept them safe. Maybe more than merely safe, maybe well-fed … comfortable.

 

She’s startled when she hears him growl, “Yes. I would have.” His voice shifts to a warm tone, filled with promise. “I _will_ , if you’ll let me.”

 

For a moment she’s thrown by the softness in his voice, the entreaty in his eyes. But then she remembers that he’d plucked this memory from her mind. A memory he has no right to. No, that’s _not_ alright. Rey won’t have him in her head. Not again.  

 

“Stop that,” she snaps.

 

“Then stop thinking so loudly,” he snaps right back but then his face changes and he looks almost shamed. “I … I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to … eavesdrop.”

 

She frowns but decides to accept his apology. “Okay.”

 

He looks away and murmurs, “It would help if you could … if you could shield your thoughts.”

 

Hot embarrassment fills her and his eyes fly wide, “No, I didn’t mean …” he trails off, his hands flailing helplessly.

 

“I don’t know how!” Rey spits. Luke barely taught her _anything_ and the Jedi texts aren’t exactly technical manuals.

 

“I … I’ll help you,” he offers plaintively.

 

The echo of that time in the lift on the _Supremacy_ makes her gasp and his eyes widen as he seems to understand just what he’s said. He looks away swiftly and she does, too. She’s not ready to talk with him about what happened. Not now. Maybe not ever. It hurts too much.

 

Dr. Kalonia clears her throat, pulling her attention from the past. “Would you like to hear her heartbeat?”

 

“Yes!” they exclaim in unison, Kylo still plastered against the wall.

 

The doctor looks at Kylo then back to Rey and hesitantly says to him, “Perhaps you’d like to come closer?”

 

He shakes his head once, firmly. It’s not right, somehow, him being so far away. Regardless of how it happened, the baby is his, too. Rey slowly reaches out her hand, not unlike how she had on Ahch-To. “It’s alright,” she beckons.

 

Slowly, so slowly, he stiltedly moves closer to the examination table, but keeps his hands firmly behind his back. Rey isn’t sure why it bothers her so much that he doesn’t seem to want to touch her. He’s here for the child, not her. He’d made it quite clear on the _Supremacy_ what he thinks of her. _Nothing_.

 

Then Dr. Kalonia lifts Rey’s shirt slightly and hovers a scanner over her flat belly. The examination room is filled with a fast, strong sound and Rey’s face breaks out into a grin. She looks up at that frozen phantom over her shoulder and sees his eyes full of wonder.

 

Seemingly unbidden, he says, “I heard her heartbeat before, while you were … recovering, but this …” His eyes find hers; they’re swimming with tenderness and … devotion? He holds her gaze for a long time then he closes his eyes briefly before whispering, “Oh, Rey-”

 

“Rey!” Finn shouts as he bursts into the room.

 

“Captain Finn! What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just come in like that!” Dr. Kalonia admonishes, but Finn doesn’t seem to hear her, rushing to Rey’s side.

 

“Poe told me. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. Gods, Rey … are you alright?” Finn’s eyes rove over her, seemingly looking for any damage.

 

Happiness and relief fill her chest as she feels the calming energy of her best friend and she soothes her hand along his arm.

 

“I’m fine, I’m okay. Kylo helped me.”

 

At that, Finn looks up and finally sees the dark man over Rey’s other shoulder. “You,” he snarls bitterly.

 

Kylo stands tall and sneers, “Yes, _me_.”

 

Rey swiftly looks up at Kylo and the cold glare she finds takes her right back to Starkiller. He looks like a panther ready to strike and she flinches as she remembers how he’d remorselessly struck Finn down in the snow. Dr. Kalonia looks back and forth between the two men and keeps her silence.

 

Finn growls, “I should kill you for what you did to me, what you did to Rey!”

 

A cruel smile curls on Kylo’s lips. “You’re welcome to try,” he mocks with his hands held wide.

 

Coldness grips Rey’s heart as all hints of the person who cared for her so kindly, so gently is swept aside by the _monster_. This … this is the man who kidnapped her, tore through her mind … killed his father. Stolen Ben Solo from her. She gasps as she understands for the first time how blind she’s been. She’d wanted Ben, _so badly._ Even allowed herself … but no. This is Kylo Ren. What has she been thinking?

 

She catches his eyes and holds them, refusing to allow the softening in his gaze to sway her. “I’d like you to go now.”

 

The hurt that streaks through his deep eyes cuts her, too, but she holds herself firm, simply staring at him. She’s allowed herself to forget far too much about this man.

 

Eventually he looks down and takes in a shuddering breath. “If that’s what you want,” he chokes out.

 

“It is,” she says coldly.

 

A curt nod is his only reply and he’s striding from the room.

 

Rey takes in a sharp breath as she feels her child call out and tries to soothe her as best she can. But she doesn’t know how Kylo is reaching her and all she can do is cast about blindly. The frantic feeling coming from her baby turns into a dull despondency.

 

She’s about to call him back, for their daughter, when Finn grabs her hands and sits on the side of her bed. “Tell me everything.”

 

So she does.

 

\---

 

Stupid. Foolish. Hope is dead to him.

 

He stalks to his cell, trying to forget the last 24 hours, knowing the feel of her in his arms is lodged in every cell.

 

Keeping his head down, he brushes past everyone until he turns through the last corridor, knowing he’s shadowed by four Resistance soldiers.. There are two guards at his door and he doesn’t acknowledge them as he waits for them to unlock his cell.

 

Sweeping into his new _home_ , he laughs bitterly as he flings himself onto his cot, staring up at the blue ice.

 

He’d _felt_ Rey’s horror as she’d remembered his sins, seen what she’d seen when he’d struck down his own father. Somehow, seeing it through her eyes, feeling her grief … he didn’t think it could get any worse. He should have known better.

 

And now she’s with FN-2187. The swell of affection that moved through her at the sight of the other man … gods, he’s such an idiot.

 

Before he knows it, he’s back on his feet and he’s screaming, screaming so loudly he can feel it tearing out of his throat.

 

Grabbing his head he starts to pace. How could he have ever thought she’d _ever_ let him near? All she knows of him is brutality and a brief moment of … stars, he doesn’t even know what to call what happened through the bond.

 

But … the way she’d let him near, settled against him, how is he ever going to recover from that?

 

And what of his girl? He’d felt her screaming out for him as he’d fled, felt her distress. It had taken all that he had to leave her behind. He’s no better than his godsforsaken parents. He just ran away, ignoring her plaintive cries.

 

It had been nearly impossible to keep himself to the edge of the examination room, needing to be with Rey … hold her hand … kiss her forehead. He’d known if he strayed he would have touched her and … and he can’t do that. Never again. She’s not his to touch.

 

He has to concentrate on proving to Rey that he is worthy to be a father to their baby. He knows his daughter needs him and he thinks, perhaps, he needs her too. And at least he’d be near Rey. Somehow, simply being in the same room as her quiets something in him.

 

At that thought he stops his frantic strides across his small cell and collapses into the lone chair. He’s going to have to teach her how to shield her thoughts, quickly. He’s not sure he can handle knowing what she thinks when she looks at him, when she remembers just what a vile thing he is.

 

With his elbows on his knees, his head falls forward into his hands and he has to squeeze his eyes shut to keep the tears from coming.

 

\---

 

“Commander Dameron,” Leia addresses her frustrating second.

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

“I think we need to have a little chat about my son and Rey.”

 

Poe does a very poor job of keeping the look of disgust off of his face. Leia sighs and tries again.

 

“Poe, I know you care for Rey, perhaps as more than a friend?” Leia asks with keen eyes.

 

Poe looks down for a moment before responding, “I … I might.”

 

“Does she know this?”

 

He rubs the back of his neck and won’t meet her eyes. “Yeah. I told her yesterday … just before she ran off.”

 

Leia had been wondering what had happened, but had focused on getting Rey back before looking for the cause of her uncharacteristic behavior. But something more must have happened.

 

“And?” Leia nudges.

 

Poe’s jaw works and he huffs out a breath. “I’d really rather keep that between Rey and myself.”

 

Leia considers for a moment and decides it really isn’t any of her business. She’ll find out eventually. She always does.

 

“Fair enough. You see, don’t you, how complicated and delicate this situation is? With Rey and my son?”

 

His expression hardens. “Frankly, Leia, no, I don’t. We should kick him off the base and not let him anywhere near her and her baby!”

 

“As long as he cooperates, he can stay. He’s given us excellent intelligence and has defected from the First Order. We’re not even a hundred strong, we can’t afford to give up the opportunity he represents.”

 

“He’s a war criminal!” Poe gesticulates wildly.

 

“And today, he’s an ally. War makes strange bedfellows.”

 

“That’s what I’m worried about,” Poe grumbles.

 

Leia raises an eyebrow and Poe grimaces, chastened. “I just mean … you’ve seen how he looks at her. He obviously wa-”

 

“ _Cares_ for her. Cares for her, _too_.” Leia says pointedly.

 

“No! Not like I do,” Poe exclaims, holding his hand to his chest.

 

Leia crosses her arms realizing that this conversation is pointless and only just manages to keep from rolling her eyes. You don’t get in the way of Force bonds. But there’s nothing she can say to make Poe back off and she’d make it even worse if she tried.

 

Time for a different approach.

 

“That’s probably true,” Leia says diplomatically. “But he _is_ here, and we can’t keep him in a cell forever. Plus, we’ll need his expertise sooner rather than later. We need to find a new base, quickly.”

 

“What, why?”

 

“The First Order will know where we are within the next few days.”

 

“He led them right to us!”

 

“No, he did what he could to delay it. He did _not_ betray us. I want you to work with him on finding a new base, one the First Order won’t find.”

 

Poe stares at her blankly before slowly saying, “You want _me_ to work with _Kylo Ren_.”

 

“I want you to work with my _son_.”

 

“With all due respect-”

 

“This is an order, Commander Dameron, and as I am the only member of leadership left alive, I do suggest you follow it.”

 

Poe blinks and clenches his jaw. He grinds out, “Yes, General.”

 

“Thank you,” Leia says gently and turns to read the latest reports.

 

As she’s walking to her office, a new recruit rushes up to her. “General Organa!”

 

“Yes, what is it?”

 

“It’s Kylo Ren, he’s … he’s screaming in his cell. We … we didn’t want to go in there without you … ma’am.”

 

Leia sighs heavily, recalling how it was always _something_ with Ben.

 

\---

 

Leia finds him slumped over in the chair with his head hanging. He doesn’t look up, doesn’t do anything to indicate that he knows she’s there.

 

But of course he knows. She can sense him loudly in the Force. He’s been shielding himself from her, but at this distance she can sense he’s in deep turmoil. _Why_ , however, is hidden from her, but she can guess.

 

She just stands there, watching him, waiting for him to acknowledge her. She’s going to have to have another chair brought in if this is going to become a habit of his.

 

After several minutes she sighs and crosses the room, sitting on his cot. Ever since her little jaunt through open space her joints just aren’t what they were. The bed creaks as she settles in to wait.

 

Eventually he growls through a curtain of hair, “What do you want.”

 

“I wanted to see if you’re alright.”

 

He snorts derisively. “ _Now_ you care.”

 

“I’ve always cared, Ben.”

 

His head snaps up at that and she’s shaken by the hatred in his eyes. “ _Do not call me that_.”

 

“I’m not calling you that ridiculous name you chose for yourself.”

 

Her son looks away and is silent for a moment. Finally, he murmurs. “I didn’t. Snoke gave it to me.”

 

“And now Snoke is dead.”

 

His eyes meet hers and it hurts to see how lost he looks. She takes in a deep breath. “Let’s leave it for now. I don’t care what your name is. I’m just glad you’re here.

 

His expression closes in an instant. “I didn’t come for you,” he spits.

 

“I know that,” she says, keeping the hurt from her tone. “You came for your child. And for Rey.”

 

A strange fear flitters through his eyes before it’s replaced with determination. “I came for my _family_.”

 

It’s very clear that Leia is not counted among their number. But she has time, time to rebuild. There’s no way she’s allowing Ben to take Rey from the Resistance while she’s pregnant. If she decides to leave with him once the baby is born, so be it, but Leia _will_ keep her safe until the child is here.

 

Ben is looking down again and Leia asks quietly, “What happened. With Rey.”

 

Now he looks at the ceiling and she feels a pulse of pain through the Force. “She remembered.”

 

“Remembered what?”

 

“Who I truly am, what I’ve done.”

 

His openness gives her hope, even as the reminder of Han tears through her. “Is that who you want to be?”

 

Looking down again at his crossed hands he murmurs, “I don’t know.”

 

He’s opening up to her, just a little. But she won’t press, she knows how quickly he shuts down if she pushes him. Her son clearly needs to think, so Leia stands, moving to the door. “Well, you have time to figure that out. Tomorrow you begin to earn your keep.”

 

He only nods, already deep inside himself. Leia remembers this, too.

 

The door is almost closed when she hears him say, “It’s a girl.”

 

Leia sends a wave of joy through the Force. She’d always wanted a granddaughter.

 

She stops walking when she feels an answering tendril of gratitude from her son. It’s laced with affection and Leia has to lean against the ice, trying not to get lost in memories of the loving, sensitive boy who used to always say goodnight in the same way.

 

\---

 

“You’re seriously thinking about letting Kylo Ren be anywhere near your daughter?” Finn sputters. It had taken Rey a while to get him to believe her that the Force was responsible and she’s getting a little tired of fighting with Finn.

 

“Well, he _is_ the father,” Rey says mulishly. Dr. Kalonia has long since left them alone to talk.

 

“And a vicious killer!”

 

Rey knows what Finn says is true, but there’s something that feels wrong about it. Like a discordant piece of music.

 

Maybe it’s time … time for Finn to know about the bond, about what happened on the _Supremacy_. She doesn’t know if it will be enough, but …

 

“There’s more to him than that. He … he saved me.”

 

“What do you mean, he saved you? When?” Finn asks, exasperated.

 

“I have to go back further … Snoke said he did it, but I don’t think he did. I think it happened on Starkiller.”

 

“Snoke? When were you near Snoke?” Finn’s eyes are wide in terror. “Rey, what _happened_ to you?!”

 

She takes his hands and begins to explain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!!! Safe and sound in New Orleans, rested up and ready to write! I hope you'll see a lot of chapter from me in the next few weeks as I finally let my muse run free. Poor thing tried to make everyone cry this chapter and I had to tell her no.
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare, for being such a fantastic Alpha reader. She always makes me write what she calls 'crunchy bits' and I'm so grateful for the nudges.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for keeping me sane during the move. It's been a wild ride and he has been truly amazing.
> 
> THANK YOU Readers!!! I'm so sorry for the long wait, but I'm back and so appreciate your supportive comments, tumblr asks/PMs, and posts. I have missed you desperately and am so happy to be back in the saddle. *all my love and space cupcakes*


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Cockblock listens patiently to Not-so-mad Mama as she explains about Desperate Daddy. Grateful Grandma checks on her future daughter-in-law, then Space Bun plays Parent Trap.

 “Finn,” Rey prods her friend after a minute of silence. She’s just finished explaining as best she could everything that’s between her and Kylo Ren. It had been hard to put herself back in that place and she’d not told him how she’d really been feeling when she’d gone to the Supremacy, only telling him that she’d thought Kylo would turn.

 

She just doesn’t know how to put into words what she’d hoped, how he’d made her feel. How he still makes her feel … Ever since she closed the door on him on Crait she’s told herself those feelings are dead, but she knows that’s not true ...

 

Even after the painful reminder of who he really is, she can’t deny how she’s drawn to him, how it feels when he touches her. Maker, she’s such a mess. How can she _feel_ this way about such a man?

 

She wishes he hadn’t forced her to face the truth of her parents. It used to be so much easier to lie to herself.

 

Finn continues to simply sit there, silent and eyes unfocused. She can sense his conflict through the Force and she remembers the night Finn told her what made him defect from the First Order. She’d been able to hear his memories of the villager’s screaming and for the first time she sees what she’s asking of her beloved friend.

 

Kylo Ren represents everything, _everything_ that had pushed Finn to the breaking point.

 

“Finn?” she tries again.

 

Blinking, he looks at her and seems to be back from wherever it was his mind had taken him, but he still doesn’t say anything. She can only guess at what horrors he’s been remembering.

 

“Look, if you’re going to hate me, just tell me-”

 

His dark eyes go quickly to hers. “No! No, I don’t hate you. I could _never_ hate you. I just … I just need a few more minutes.” Swiftly, he stands from his chair and goes to the small window looking out on the barren landscape of Shenden.

 

His back is rigid and he places his hand against the thick glass, standing there in the deafening quiet of the examination room. The heat from his palm sends tiny rivulets of water down the window pane and Rey wonders if Finn’s hand is cold.

 

She tries to comfort herself with his words, reminding herself that this is _Finn_. They’d been thrown together and had forged something she’d never known before him. She’d had to work with many scavengers over the years, but something was different with Finn, right from the start.

 

It made no sense to her then, but now she knows what it is. This amazing person cares more about other people than he does himself. Honestly, it shames her a bit, how he was willing to throw his lot in with her just because she’d crossed his path.

 

From that first moment she’d known this warm new feeling, a feeling she’s come to treasure. Friendship. Strong, true, _real_. He’d come back for her, he’s the only person who has _ever_ come for her. Well, except for Kylo … No. He’d come for the baby, not her.

 

But Finn … Finn knew nothing about her other than she was some poor sandrat from _Jakku_ of all places, and still, he’d come. Even lied to the Resistance to do it. He won’t abandon her now.

 

She hopes.

 

The sound of his sharp inhalation of breath pulls Rey from her thoughts and she looks up to see him turning to her. She’s nervous to see his expression, but she looks anyway.

 

His face is full of compassion and something tight within her chest unwinds.

 

“Okay. So somehow you and Kylo Ren are connected through the Force.”

 

Rey nods slightly, knowing it’s so much more than that.

 

“And because of that, he was able to get you pregnant.” Rey ignores the flash of distaste in his expression.

 

She doesn’t like the way Finn is talking about it, like Kylo had done this _to_ her instead of the Force. “Well, it’s not like he _meant_ to.”

 

“Are you _sure_?” he asks pointedly.

 

That makes her mind come to a stuttering halt. She’d not considered that. He does know so much more than she does about the Force, how it works, how to control it. And he _is_ extremely focused on the child. Could this be some sort of trap? Is she caught in a First Order web?

 

Thinking hard, it’s her turn to stand, moving away from the medbay bed. She wraps her arms around herself as she looks at the floor and remembers. Kylo had seemed genuinely shocked about her pregnancy and frantic for her to know that he’d not done this to her.

 

She supposes it could all be an act, but the Force is almost screaming at her at the wrongness of that thought.

 

Slowly, she says, “I don’t think he did this on purpose, I really don’t. He said the Force has a mind of its own.”

 

“ _He_ said,” Finn points out skeptically.

 

Rey pulls her lower lip between her teeth, but the sincerity of Kylo’s voice, the desperation in his eyes when he’d begged her to believe him … “I understand why you’d think that, but … you didn’t _see_ him, didn’t hear the way he talked to me … I truly don’t believe he had anything to do with this.”

 

“Then why is he here? Do you really think he gave up being _Supreme Leader_ just for you?” Finn’s eyes widen as he hears what he’s said. “Rey, gods, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that, I meant-”

 

“No. No, you’re right. He didn’t do it for me,” Rey says bitterly. She almost laughs at the idea. Supreme Leader of the First Order running to her side? It’s preposterous.

 

“I would understand if he had,” Finn mollifies. “Not that I’d be happy about it. I still have the scar from when he tried to fillet me on Starkiller.” There’s genuine anger in his tone and Rey wants to hug him for being so understanding. She’s certainly still deeply confused and furious about everything the father of her child has done.

 

Looking into Finn’s eyes, she remembers everything. How Kylo Ren had lured Han out onto that nightmare bridge, skewered him with that spitting, vicious blade. The screaming need for vengeance as she’d shot at that villain and his stormtroopers. How much she’d hated him when she’d called him a monster.

 

The crack of her back against the tree, the echoes of Finn’s screams as she’s regained consciousness. Then … the awe in Kylo’s eyes when the saber had come to her, how he looked at her on the cliff, begging to teach her …

 

But she also remembers the feeling of her hot tears as she’d cradled Finn’s comatose form to her, the sharp terror as Chewie had pushed the _Falcon_ as hard as he could. She’d spent the whole flight by Finn’s side, desperately praying to every god and goddess she’d ever heard of.

 

Kylo Ren wrought it all.

 

It’s better that he just wants his daughter. The conflict he brings if he wants anything else is too vast to fathom. If she had to untangle her heart on top of everything else ...

 

Finn comes up to her and gently holds her shoulders. She looks up to find his gaze soft and troubled. “Rey … there is something … _off_ about his behavior when it comes to you.”

 

She just shakes her head. “No, he just came for the baby.”

 

Horror fills Finn’s eyes. “He wants to take your daughter from you?”

 

“What? No! He … he asked if I’d let him be a father to our child, _with_ me.”

 

Finn blinks several times, as if trying to parse a particularly difficult dialect of Corellian. “He wants … he wants to _stay_?”

 

“I think so. I think … I think he left it all behind _for her_. To be her father. Properly.” It hurts a bit that he’d give up the galaxy for his daughter, but wouldn’t for her.

 

Rey caresses her belly, feeling her daughter’s energy stir beneath her palm and she can’t help but smile. Kylo won’t abandon his child, not the way she’d been abandoned. That’s enough. It has to be.

 

Her smile turns into a frown as she feels waves of despondency coming from the life growing within her. Her little one is still sad and Rey knows she’s going to have to ask Kylo to show her how it is that he’s communicating with her.

 

“I think … I think he might be a good father to her.” Stars, she hopes she’s right.

 

Finn’s jaw hangs open slightly for a moment. “Huh. I … I did not see that coming.”

 

“No … no, I don’t think any of us did. I guess I don’t really know, exactly, what his intentions are, but he made it very clear he wants to be in her life.”

 

Finn nods and holds her eyes intently. “And yours.”

 

“What?” she asks, perplexed.

 

“Rey …” he says with that tone he uses when she’s not seeing something obvious. She’d hate it if he didn’t miss just as much as she does in this strange, new environment.

 

“What?” she repeats, a touch defensively.

 

“He killed his _master_ for you. You don’t think … you don’t think that _means_ something?”

 

Her heart closes up like a safe. “No, I don’t. He just wanted to take over the galaxy and he thought I’d be _useful_.” Scorn drips from every word.

 

Finn’s lips purse. “Yet he left it all once he knew you were pregnant.”

 

“I told you, he wants to be a father to her.”

 

“I think there’s more to it than that. I _remember_ Kylo Ren. He was completely devoted to Supreme Leader Snoke and the First Order. The stories about him … for him to kill Snoke like that, abandon the First Order … I just …” Finn trails off.

 

“No,” Rey says firmly. “He’s here for the baby, that’s all.”

 

“Everything I know about that man does not tell me he’s the fathering type. You know what he’s done. There has to be more to this than that. It just doesn’t add up.”

 

Rey’s heart starts to beat against her chest wildly. If … if what Finn says has any truth to it at all, she’d have to face everything that happened and she just can’t do that. She’s willing to give him a chance, see what kind of father he’ll be, but what he’s done … no, she can’t let herself believe in him like that again.

 

With a strangled, anxious voice she says, “He’s just here for the baby. There’s nothing else.”

 

Finn frowns but says, “Okay, Rey. Okay.”

 

\---

 

“I really would like you to stay for the night,” Dr. Kalonia says with a kind, but firm, voice.

 

“I feel fine though,” Rey argues. She’s back in her temporary bed and makes to get up.

 

Dr. Kalonia stops her with a gentle hand. “Still, your body went through a great deal and we haven’t had much time to go over what you’re going to need to know for the coming months.”

 

Right. She’s read a few short pieces on the holonet about pregnancy, but … she still knows very little.

 

“Just for the night,” the doctor entreats.

 

“Alright, yeah. It would be good to know what to expect.

 

“Good, good. I’ll have dinner delivered and we can talk while we eat.”

 

Dr. Kalonia excuses herself and goes into her office leaving Rey alone with her thoughts.

 

Her hand settles over her abdomen, as she finds it frequently does, now. The baby has calmed, but she can still sense that she’s unhappy. Sighing deeply, she realizes she’s going to have to talk to Kylo. Soon.

 

\---

 

“Rey, sweetie, how are you feeling?” Leia says with a bright smile as she walks into the medical bay. Dr. Kalonia has already retreated to her attached quarters for the evening.

 

Rey had been letting her mind wander, trying to let all of what the doctor had told her settle in and she has to shake her head to clear it. “Uhm, fine, I’m fine.”

 

“I’m glad. I was so worried about you,” Leia says with genuine affection.

 

Leia’s kindness always confuses Rey. It almost seems like the older woman considers her family. She doesn’t treat anyone else in the Resistance like she treats Rey. But it makes Rey nervous. She doesn’t know how to respond. She’s never had anyone be so … _mothering_ with her before.

 

“Now, dear, earlier you said you wanted to speak with me.”

 

She had? Oh, yes … Poe. Rey shifts to sit up in her bed.

 

“Yes, I … well … you see, the thing is …” Rey looks down at her flailing hands.

 

“What is it?” Leia asks with concern.

 

“I .... don’t know what to do about Poe,” Rey murmurs, still keeping her gaze down.

 

“I had wondered if he might be making a nuisance of himself.”

 

Rey looks up quickly. “No! No, he’s not, not really. He’s actually been very kind to me, it’s just … with Kylo here-” Rey stops herself when she sees Leia flinch. Oh. Right. “Uh, I mean with B-Ben here I’m … worried.” His birth name hurts as it cuts along her tongue.

 

“Worried about what?” Leia asks with a touch too much innocence.

 

Rey pauses for a moment before answering. “Poe … Poe offered to .... uhm … well, he said he’d help me raise the baby, but Ky, uh,  your son has made it pretty clear he wants to be involved and I just don’t know what to do. About either of them, honestly.”

 

Leia takes a seat and looks at her knees for a moment. “Are you asking for my advice?”

 

“That and … I mean, can _he_ even stay? He … what he’s done …” Rey says quietly.

 

Grief ghosts Leia’s features for a moment, but then she sits up straighter. “I’ve decided he can stay for now, give him a chance to prove himself. He came with extremely vital First Order intelligence and has, essentially, defected. Until he gives me a reason not to trust him, I’m going to see how this plays out. Unless you want him to leave.”

 

“What?” Rey feels a flare of panic in her chest.

 

“With what he’s done, no one would blame you if you didn’t want him here. He may be my son, but if you want him gone, he’ll be on his ship by morning.”

 

Rey blinks, feeling her eyes sting. Leia is willing to give up her own _son_ —for her? She can’t even begin to process that and she shoves it away.

 

Rey nods. “Uhm. Thank you. What … what should I do about … them?”

 

Leia regards her thoughtfully. “Would you like Poe to help you raise your daughter?”

 

The idea makes something in her stomach recoil and she again senses her baby’s dissatisfaction. “No … no I don’t think so. He’s a good friend, but …”

 

“I think I understand.” Leia nods knowingly. “What about Ben, then?”

 

“I don’t think that’s up to me, really. He _is_ her father.”

 

“True, however, with his history, it’s completely understandable if you’d prefer he not be involved in her life.”

 

The baby nearly howels within her and Rey breathes in sharply.

 

“Rey?” Leia asks in concern.

 

“I’m alright. Just …. Just the baby didn’t like that idea.”

 

Leia’s eyebrows rise. “I see.”

 

Rey rubs soothing circles on her belly, trying to calm her daughter. She keeps thinking over and over again, “It’s alright, I won’t send him away. It’s alright, I won’t send him away.” It seems to work and her girl settles.

 

Closing her eyes briefly, Rey says, “He can stay. _If_ he behaves.”

 

An amused smile breaks out on Leia’s face. “I’m glad to hear it.”

 

Something in her—maybe it’s her daughter—breathes more easily at the knowledge he really is going to stay. There’s still the matter of Poe, however. “What about … what about Poe?”

 

“Oh, I think I have that handled. Just leave that to me, dear.” Leia stands, saying, “Now, I should let you get some sleep.”

 

“Thank you, Leia.”

 

“Oh, child … you never need to thank me.” Leia smiles softly and lets herself out of the medbay.

 

Rey settles back into her bed and turns over, trying to get comfortable. But her baby starts to send out bursts of … fear? Anger? Want? She’s just not sure. She’s the one carrying their child in her body, it’s just not fair that _Kylo_ is the one who can communicate with her!

 

She tries to calm her by rubbing her belly, but it doesn’t seem to be working this time.

 

Sighing loudly, Rey realizes this is going to be a long night.

  

\---

 

The creaking of his cell door brings him out of a light sleep. A shaft of light cuts through the darkness before the lights go on. Kylo blinks rapidly, adjusting to the sudden brightness. Then he senses _them_. Rey is here!

 

He scrambles to his feet and he can’t keep the grin from his face as he feels pure elation from his baby girl. Wrapping her up in a curl of his own Force signature, she seems to sigh happily.

 

“How do you _do_ that?” Rey asks angrily.

 

So caught up in his child, he’d completely missed the storm on Rey’s face and in her energy. Has something happened to her?

 

“Rey? Are you alright?” He strides to her but stops himself just in time.

 

“No! _Your_ daughter has kept me up half the night throwing a temper tantrum!”

 

“But … she seems fine now.”

 

Rey’s eyes well with tears. “That’s because she hates me. She only wants you!”

 

“What? No, no, that’s not true. I know it’s not.”

 

“How? How are you communicating with her?” she begs.

 

Now fully awake, Kylo finally truly takes in Rey’s distraught state.

 

“Shhh, it’s alright. I’ll show you. She doesn’t hate you, I promise.”

 

Rey sniffs and angrily wipes her tears away. Gods, he just wants to hold her close and chase away her sadness, but he holds himself away from her.

 

“Let’s sit?” he asks cautiously, gesturing to the chair.

 

She nods slightly and sits right at the edge, her back straight and stiff. He hopes, one day, she’ll be more comfortable with him. Like she had been in the cave. This would be easier if he didn’t _know_ what she felt like held close and safe.

 

He returns to his cot and catches Rey’s eyes. “May I … may I take a moment to find out why she’s upset?”

 

“I know why! I told you, she just wants you!”

 

“Please?”

 

She huffs out a breath. “Fine.”

 

Closing his eyes he reaches out. He can’t precisely ask his daughter what’s wrong. She’s not capable of language, but she can share feelings. Pushing a bit, he finds blind panic underneath her contentment.

 

“She’s … she’s afraid. Did something happen?” he asks as calmly as he can. If Dameron had gone anywhere near his family …

 

“Leia … Leia told me it was up to me if you are allowed to stay.”

 

“I see,” Kylo responds, keeping tight rein on his feelings and the urge to go on his knees and beg for her to give her permission. Clearing his throat he asks, “And what did you decide?”

 

Her expression is befuddled when she answers, “Well of course I said you could stay. _If_ you behave.”

 

He lets out a relieved breath. Stay. She’s going to let him stay. “Behave?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.

 

Her expression grows cold. “Yes. Behave. No random _murder_.”

 

The word feels like a slap and he wants to protest that he’s never murdered anyone, this is _war_. But then he remembers Han Solo and he has to look away.

 

A burst of love surrounds him and he realizes his child is attempting to … to comfort him and it’s almost too much. Her perfect innocence, no knowledge of the stains on her father’s hands … perhaps he shouldn’t have come. He manages to shield that thought, the baby has no way of understanding the complexity of his feelings.

 

Rey, however, Rey _can_ and he jerks suddenly when he feels her hand on his. It’s the first time she’s touched him without his gloves since Ahch-To and her skin against his has him spiraling into that place of connection and heat.

 

Instinctively, his hand curls around hers and he holds on tightly, shocked when she doesn’t pull away. “I … I’m sorry, I felt … I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she whispers.

 

Gods, she will be his undoing. Her compassion, her gentle voice. He’s never wanted anything more than he wants her. No, it’s so much more essential than want.

 

Finally, he looks up and her eyes are full of concern. Her thumb swipes along his wrist and he can’t help how it makes him shudder.

 

“It’s fine,” he finally manages. Shaking himself out of this conflicted place of bliss and torment, he says, “Now, you wanted to know how I’m communicating with her.”

 

“Please,” she asks with wide eyes.

 

“It’s … it’s a bit like our .... bond.” They’ve never really talked about what’s between them.

 

She nods, a light blush blooming on her high cheekbones.

 

“Can you sense it?”

 

“Y-yes. It’s … it’s almost like a chord.”

 

“Exactly. Every Force user has a Force signature, and you can learn to follow it. What I feel with her, it’s not quite like what’s between us, but it’s similar. Reach out, see if you can sense an energy like what we share.” He tries to stay clinical, but, stars, it sounds so intimate when he puts their connection into words.

 

She snorts. “Reach out. Of course.” Then she shakes her head.

 

“Rey?” he asks in confusion.

 

“Nothing … just a memory. Okay, I’m going to try.”

 

It feels a bit like losing a limb when she pulls her hand from his and places both of them on her stomach. She closes her eyes and he can feel her casting about. She slides against his own energy and he has to suppress a groan; she feels so _good_.

 

Her sheer power is nearly overwhelming; he’s not sure he’s going to be able to keep from reacting as she investigates his own Force signature. It’s as if she’s gliding her hands along his naked skin.

 

He realizes the moment she’s found their baby as she hones in. Kylo is both relieved and bereft to have her attention away from him. Then that ticklish feeling he thinks is their child’s laughter fills his chest.

 

Rey’s eyes fly to his and they’re both smiling widely.

 

Then they sense it.

 

_Mama!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who pointed out that I can't just write our couple all the time, supporting characters have to have full stories too. *kicks dust in frustration* She's always right. It's very annoying (love you hon).
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who spent our first night in New Orleans trying to find a fancy restaurant that would do take-out because he wanted a special meal for me and I was far too tired to go out to dinner. He called eight restaurants, none of whom would make it to-go. Finally, he went to a nice hotel and bribed the concierge and the dining manager and came home with a four course French meal. It was perfection. 
> 
> Thank you readers! I am beyond grateful that so many of you are still reading! I was a bit worried that folks would have moved on after such a long hiatus. I should be posting quite regularly going forward. It might seem strange for an internet stranger to say 'I love you' but I do. I feel strongly that readers are just as important as writers. Without both of us, the creative circle cannot close. So, my beautiful readers, I love you all. *giant Perry hugs*


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Bun slays her parents' feels in a big way. Captain Cockblock points out to Space Suitor the Second that it's kinda a bad idea to go after Kylo Ren's girl(s). Then Desperate Daddy has to work with *shudder* Space Suitor the Second.

She’s …. she’s someone’s _mother_. In the midst of all the terror and turmoil, somehow she hadn’t quite let that in. But feeling that warm burst of complete happiness and acceptance has shifted everything inside of her.

 

Rey. Orphan. Slave. Scavenger. Jedi … _Mother_.

 

The beauty of her child’s energy makes Rey’s breath hitch. The unhindered joy her baby feels at truly connecting with her is life changing. _Soul_ changing.

 

She’s sensed her of course, enough to know they’re having a daughter, but not like _this_. This is so much more blinding and nuanced. Now she’s able to perceive the fear much more keenly, how much she wants to be near her papa. But now, now Rey understands that she wants them _both_.  

 

Glancing to Kylo, she sees a calm smile on his face and she can finally sense how all three of their energies are woven together in this moment and she honestly hadn’t known she could feel such peace.

 

And the belonging, oh, the _belonging_. After so many years of needing her family, this child is _hers_. Her family. She can’t help it, she starts to cry.

 

The smile is wiped for Kylo’s face as he exclaims, “Rey?”

 

Her baby also responds with a burst of pure love and it just makes Rey cry harder. She never thought … she never thought anyone would love her like this. But here, in her body, this new life loves her. No reservations, absolute. Always. This, this is the belonging Maz talked of.

 

“Rey, what did I do? I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” he entreats and Rey smiles through her tears.

 

“You didn’t do anything, everything’s alright.”

 

He looks slightly relieved, but still quite skeptical.

 

_Mama …_

 

Rey soothes her hands over her belly and smiles down on the fledgling life inside her.

 

_Mama loves you._

 

Her daughter seems to glow even brighter under her words and Rey blinks a bit realizing it’s true. Somehow, in the space of a week she’s gone from feeling _invaded_ to loving this child so completely that she can’t fathom a galaxy without her in it.

 

Kylo is still looking at her worriedly and she wipes her eyes. He opens his mouth as if to speak but quickly closes it again.

 

“What? What is it?” Rey prods.

 

He shakes his head. “I … it’s none of my business.”

 

She laughs slightly. “I think plenty of things that shouldn’t be your business certainly are now.”

 

His eyes flash with that vulnerable hope she’s starting to notice he tries to hide. “I only … I only wanted to know why you were crying.”

 

Rey look away, explaining this … Kylo may know her more intimately than anyone else in some respects, but in others, they’re virtually strangers. And what they know of each other has rarely been spoken. Hesitantly, she offers, “You know, about … about my parents.”

 

Jaw tightening, he nods once. “They never should have done that. I don’t understand how they _could_.”

 

Her fingers tighten over her stomach and she finds a new way to hurt. Nothing, nothing would ever make her abandon her daughter. What was so wrong with her that her mother _sold_ her? Rey would die first. Rey would _kill_ first.

 

The baby starts to send waves of comfort, in her little baby way, and Rey swiftly pulls herself together. Kylo really needs to teach her how to shield her emotions and thoughts. She won’t allow this brilliant little being to shoulder her burdens.

 

Taking in a deep breath, she continues, “Anyway, until recently … I had no idea what family really was, let alone how it might feel. But … but our baby, she … she, oh gods, she loves me ... I … it overwhelmed me. I …. I have a family. For the first time in my life, I feel loved.”

 

Rey looks up into Kylo’s eyes and she finds so much sadness and then something … more, something infinitely tender. He whispers, “You _are_ loved.”

 

He holds her eyes intensely and she knows she doesn’t quite understand everything he’s saying; he couldn’t mean … no, of course not. “I … I think Finn loves me, Leia might ... but it’s easy to believe it won’t last, that they’ll leave me too. This though … I know, I just know that this is … permanent.”

 

“Yes. It is,” he says meaningfully.

 

Suddenly realizing how open she’s being with him, how she’s been lulled like she had on Ahch-To, Rey stands quickly.

 

“It’s late,” she says abruptly.

 

Looking up on her, Kylo blinks a few times then rises slowly. “Uhm, yes … but I don’t mind. Whenever you need me, I’m here.” His hands begin to move towards her, but then he’s grasping them behind his back.

 

Now that he’s standing, he’s towering over her and she looks up into his face. He means it. Something in her bones makes her certain he means it. For all of his atrocities, he has a strange sort of honor and somehow she knows, for the rest of her life, Kylo …. Ben? Whatever his name, this man will always be in her life. Deep in the Force, she _knows_ he’ll never leave them. The bond won’t allow it.

 

“I … I should let you sleep,” she says awkwardly.

 

“You … you don’t have to go.”

 

Rey shakes her head, feeling the need to retreat. She’s been too open, he’s been too tender … too understanding. Too much like _Ben_.

 

“I’ll be useless tomorrow if I don’t get some rest.”

 

She’s at the door when she stops. Speaking to the durasteel she asks, “Tomorrow. Would you show me how to shield my feelings and thoughts? I don’t … I don’t want her to worry about me.”

 

When he’s silent for a bit too long, she looks back at him over her shoulder. His head is hanging slightly and he seems a bit stooped. His hair shifts slightly when he nods. “Yes, I’ll show you,” he says in a low, sad voice.

 

Swiftly turning her head back to the door, she doesn’t quite know why she just wants to run. “Good. I’ll be back tomorrow after dinner.”

 

In a flash she’s out the door.

 

\---

 

“Goodnight, Rey,” he murmurs into the empty cell.

 

For a long time he just stands there, silent and still. Too much is running through him to do anything else.

 

He loves her. Force, he loves her!

 

Finally, he brings his hands to his face and scrubs violently. He knew he cared, he knew he … desired. But this … this is a disaster. He’s handed her the keys to his undoing and she has no idea.

 

He’d come so close to blurting it out when she’d talked of no one loving her. He’d wanted, fiercely, to take her face between his hands and vow to love her forever.

 

Because he knows now, he knows this is it for him. The wrongness he’d felt when she’d spoken of never feeling loved before … he’d seen in that moment that he loves her, he’s always loved her.

 

Over the years there had been officers who had attempted to curry favor with Lord Ren. One was even so bold as to hack into his rooms and wait naked on his bed.

 

That was the first time he’d ever been in the same room as a naked woman. And also the last. He hadn’t been like the other students, sneaking looks at holoporn. It just … it just didn’t interest him.

 

But, Rey, beguiling, confounding Rey had brought forth so many new feelings, stirrings in his core, burning need that he couldn’t understand.

 

His chaste existence had always been appropriate and right for his life’s path. Hux’s women always seemed like a distraction and a poor use of energy. Snoke’s … indulgences something he just refused to think about.

 

Love though ... he’d hoped to avoid that trap. He’d given his boyish love to his parents, look where that had landed him? Then he fell in love with the Jedi teachings and that, well …

 

And then Snoke. His blind devotion to his master turns his stomach now.

 

This though, this is the worst of the lot. Condemned to love the incandescent Rey and only ever be allowed to orbit her, her and his daughter.

 

His twin stars.

 

Shakily, he sits on his cot, staring blankly at the icy floor. This will destroy him.

 

_His twin stars._

 

\---

 

It’s entirely too early for this. Leia walks into the command center only to see Finn and Poe arguing with furious, whispered voices. She glides around the room, keeping herself from their sight and listens. The last thing she needs is her second and their best recruiter to be at odds. She’s got quite enough on her plate, thank you.

 

“You asked her to marry you!” Finn spits, his voice rising loudly enough that a few other Resistance members look over their shoulders.

 

“Not really! I just offered to help her with the baby … ya know maybe in time …”

 

“You,” Finn points at his chest, “are an idiot.”

 

“What?! You know how I feel about her!”

 

Finn raises an eyebrow. “I know how you feel about anyone pretty.”

 

“This isn’t like that,” Poe says, his face darkening.

 

“Really,” Finn responds, crossing his arms.

 

“Yeah, really! Rey is … she’s special.”

 

“Well that’s the only smart thing you’ve said.”

 

Poe swipes his chin with his hand. “Look, I just … I’ve never known anyone like her, and once I realized you liked Rose, that I wasn’t going to be getting in the way …”

 

Finn looks around quickly to make sure no one is listening. “Yeah, well … you’re still and idiot.”

 

“Why?” Poe challenges.

 

“Because the father is Kylo Ren! Do I have to spell it out for you?”

 

“I guess you do, because that’s half of why I offered! _The father is Kylo Ren!_ Who wants a monster like that to be a father to her kid?”

 

Finn takes in a deep breath and is obviously steeling himself. “Rey does.”

 

“What?!” Poe exclaims so loudly that the whole room turns to watch the obvious drama that’s coming.

 

Leia chooses this as her moment and walks swiftly up to the two men. “Gentleman, perhaps this discussion should be had elsewhere?” Her brow is raised and she hopes that’s sufficient.

 

Finn immediately looks sheepish but Poe is glaring at Finn, working his jaw. But he finally says, “Yeah, yeah.” He starts to walk to his station but turns around and says to Finn, “This conversation isn’t over!”

 

Sighing heavily, Finn mutters to himself, “He’s gonna get himself killed.”

 

Leia considers bringing Finn into her counsel, but decides it might not yet be time. She’ll let Dameron cool off, then she’ll send him to fetch her son.

 

\---

 

Kylo has been pacing his cell for well over an hour now. He’d woken remembering his realization of last night and had quickly tamped it down. Love … he’s not sure even he can keep that under his shields at all times.

 

Instead of mooning over Rey, he’s been focused on the general’s words from yesterday. That he was going to earn his keep. What had she meant?

 

He’d given her a sizable bit of intelligence, but of course there’s far more in his head. He groans at the thought of hours of reciting codes and base locations. He’ll do it, of course he will. But, Maker, he hopes it’s something else.

 

Just when he’d started to consider a little jail break, his cell door slides open and an extremely pissed off Commander Dameron is on the other side.

 

Oh goody, this will be fun.

 

“Pilot,” Kylo spits with bad grace.

 

“Snake,” Dameron responds.

 

“You’ll have to come up with something better, that’s rather old by now.”

 

“Whatever, Ren. You’re coming with me.”

 

“Oh I am, am I?” Kylo knows he really should play nice, but … but this man has designs on his family, he just knows it.

 

“Yeah, you are. Mommy said so.”

 

That shuts him up. This is the price to stay. To stay with Rey and their daughter.

 

Fuming silently, Kylo finally gestures. “Lead the way, _Dameron_.”

 

The arrogant, insolent, brash pilot leads them through many corridors carved from the ice and he wonders if the general selected this base because of Hoth.

 

Dameron stops abruptly and points through a door. It seems to be a small conference room with two data stations. Kylo has to duck to enter. It’s petty, but it amuses him that Dameron doesn’t.

 

Once the door slides shut, Kylo leans against the wall, arms crossed. “Well? Is this where you threaten me? Perhaps try to pull that blaster before I can snap your neck?”

 

“Oh, don’t think I don’t want to. And don’t think I couldn’t kill you. But my commanding officer has assigned me this duty and I always put the Resistance first.”

 

They stare at each other for a long time and finally Kylo is just too bored. He rolls his eyes and says, “And what is that duty?”

 

Dameron glares at him for a moment. “We gotta find a new base. General Organa thought your particular knowledge would help us find one more secure than this one.”

 

Kylo can’t help the shocked expression on his face. She’d trusted him like this? With the safety of everyone? Then he sees. No, not everyone. Rey. She’s entrusted him with _Rey_.

 

It’s good she’d asked him to do this. The First Order had found Shenden within days, it was only his orders that kept Hux in line. “Then, by all means, let’s begin.”

 

There’s another contest of wills over who will sit first.

 

\---

 

“No, no, no!” Kylo shouts.

 

“Atalyn is perfect! Outer Rim, friendly to the cause, not too populous.”

 

“Were you not listening? The First Order plans to target the Rim next.” Gods, this man is thick.

 

“The Rim is huge! We’d blend right in!”

 

“Yes, because there’s no way the First Order would prioritize a planet rich in _dilantyn_ ,” Kylo mocks.

 

“Oh. I … I hadn’t remembered that.”

 

\---

 

“No way. Not Tatooine.”

 

Poe blinks. “But why not? There’s an old abandoned Hutt palace. Some Jabba guy got himself in with the wrong people and now no one will go near the place, afraid they’ll come back.”

 

“Just, no.”

 

“Ren, you’re being unreasonable. Which I’ll admit isn’t exactly unusual for you. Tell me one good reason Tatooine is a bad idea. The palace is huge, the locals leave it alone, there’s an oasis for water …”

 

Kylo knows the real reason. He won’t make his mo- Leia Organa go back to that place. He knows it was … Han Solo who’d made sure the whole place was emptied after what had happened to _her_ there. She still doesn’t know what he did and he plans to keep it that way.

 

Finally Kylo grumbles, “I don’t like sand.”

 

“You don’t like sand,” Dameron remarks slowly.

 

“It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.”

 

“Uh huh.” Dameron shakes his head. “Yeah, no dice.”

 

Kylo sighs, disliking to use Rey in this way. “Rey would hate it.”

 

Poe looks down. “Yeah, okay. Next planet?”

 

\---

 

“Corellia.”

 

Kylo blinks, about to refuse just on principle. Dameron has to know what he’s doing, his family’s history with that particular planet.

 

“Look, the First Order never went there, they don’t maintain a presence like the Empire did. The planet is dangerous, to be sure, the industry never recovered. But if you wanna blend, that’s the place to do it. I’m sure with Leia’s contacts with … uh … yeah …” Dameron trails off.

 

Maker, he does not want to go to Corellia. But this idiot space-jockey is right. There are scores of abandoned factories that would be absolutely perfect. Probe droids would never be able to discern them. Vast criminal contacts for re-arming. Many people in poverty, ripe for recruitment. And he’d personally done everything he could to make it look very unattractive to the First Order.

 

Godsdammit.

 

“Fine.” Kylo spits.

 

\---

 

The door to his cell creaks and Rey enters gingerly. His heart almost stops at the sight of her and he suddenly realizes that this is the _worst possible_ time to try and teach her to shield her mind. He’s going to have to show her how he shields _his_ and there’s something rather essential he’d prefer she not know.

 

_I love you._

 

Then he notices how quiet it is. The baby, she’s not reaching out. Is something wrong? His eyes fly to Rey’s in a panic, but Rey smiles.

 

“She’s sleeping. I don’t think she’s meant to be quite so … active yet.”

 

“Ah, I see.” He feels a flash of disappointment, he so enjoys spending time with her. But … to be alone with Rey is … appealing.”

 

“So, I thought we should go to my training room, if that’s okay?” she asks brightly. She seems eager and happy and it warms his chest.

 

“Is it alright with the general?” Not that they could stop him.

 

“Yes, I cleared it with your mother.”

 

His lips form a thin line and he says before thinking, “Don’t call her that.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes. “Whatever. She’s your mom. Get over it. Now come on.”

 

Kylo blinks. He’s not been dismissed like that in a very long time.

 

He follows her in a slight daze.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, darling ArtemisBare! You even read when dead on your feet with exhaustion. I'm telling you, your twins are undercover miniature scientists studying sleep deprivation.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who keeps kissing me randomly, grinning because he's so happy in New Orleans. Oh! And he managed to find one of my readers at the bar down the street. How random is that? But he's so proud of my writing he asks everyone in a Star Wars shirt if they're a reylo and have they heard of Perry Downing. It's perfect and embarrassing in equal measure.
> 
> Thank you readers! It's just so, so, so fantastic to be back. I don't think I'm going to do a formal update schedule because I'm able to kinda write as the muse wills now. I know that I'll always update both 'Unbidden' and 'Powerless' at least once a week, but probably twice that. You have all made it so special to start posting again. *blows sparkly kisses*


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are going decently enough for Desperate Daddy and Not-so-mad Mama when the impact of Corellia hits our boy. Chuga chuga choo choo! Pain Train ahead.

Rey is extremely frustrated with him for talking about Leia like that. No … not frustrated, _angry_. If she’d had a mother like her, everything in her life would be different.

 

But if she keeps thinking about it, he’ll pick up on it, so she focuses on what she has left to do tonight after training with Kylo. They’re supposed to leave for the new base tomorrow and she has to get as many of the old X-Wings ready to fly. She hates that she’s going to have to leave ships only repaired enough so they can at least get them to wherever they’re going.

 

Leia had announced the move at breakfast, but for security purposes, the location won’t be revealed until they’re all about to leave. Whatever ships she can’t get going are staying behind.

 

She had been taking great care, rebuilding each ship as close to new as possible. In the last two months she’s been able to refurbish almost 20 of them, but there are still around a dozen left. She spent the day taking stock of the remaining ships and found the best candidates, but she’ll be lucky to have three of them flying by morning, never mind having weapon systems or any emergency life support.

 

Deep in her own head, hoping thoughts of schematics and spare parts will shield her underlying turmoil, they walk silently. When they arrive at the space set aside for her training, Kylo looks around at the large, empty room. Then his eyes hone in on her and he regards her intensely.

 

“What’s wrong? You seem … distracted.”

 

“Oh, I just have a lot to do after we’re done here.” _And that you’re an ungrateful, spoiled brat._

 

He cocks his head as if he’s listening to something, but then his focus is back on her. She hopes he hadn’t caught that. “But, it’s already evening, you need your sleep.”

 

Rolling her eyes she says, “Yeah, well tell that to the First Order. We ship out tomorrow and any X-Wings I can’t get into space get left behind. I’ll sleep on the transport to our new ba-” She slaps her hand over her mouth and her eyes widen. She shouldn’t have revealed that.

 

He makes a small, almost indulgent smile and the expression makes her stomach flip. Suddenly she’s not quite so mad at him anymore. Yeah, she needs to know how to shield her thoughts, preferably very quickly.

 

“I know. I helped select the new base,” he says with a touch of smugness.

 

She blinks a few times at that. “You did?”

 

He grimaces. “Yes. Myself and … Commander Dameron.”

 

Rey’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. She’s surprised both men made it out alive. “So you know where we’re going!”

 

“I do.” That cocky superiority is back in his tone.

 

She huffs out an exasperated breath. “So, where?”

 

His eyes glint with mischief and again her tummy swoops. “How about you try to get that from me?”

 

Oh she likes this. A challenge. She got into his head before. “You’re on!”

 

Then he frowns slightly. “But … about you working all night … I don’t like it.”

 

“Desperate times, Kylo.”

 

His frown deepens. “But what about our daughter, it’s not good for her-”

 

“It’s one night. I’ll be fine. _We’ll_ be fine.”

 

For a moment his eyes flash with real anger but he takes in three long, slow breaths. “Alright,” he says tightly.

 

Tilting her head, she says, “I’m so glad I have your permission.”

 

His eyes close briefly. “That’s not how I meant that. I just … I worry.”

 

He’s worried about her? His expression has grown so soft and she has the mad thought to kiss his cheek. Instead she boasts, “I can handle a night without sleep. I’m tough.”

 

Kylo’s eyes have an odd light to them when he says cryptically, “Oh, I know that better than most.”

 

Before she can ask him what he means, he walks over to her training mats and drags them to the center of the room then beckons her over. She shrugs and follows him.

 

“Please sit, meditation pose.”

 

Rey looks at him blankly. She has no idea what he means but she doesn’t want to admit that. She takes her best guess and sits the way Luke had taught her.

 

Kylo takes a similar pose right across from her. She’s relieved she didn’t make herself look as ignorant as she feels, but he suddenly feels very close; his knees are nearly touching hers. In the cold it’s almost like she can feel his body heat.

 

“Alright, now, there are several ways to hide or shield thoughts and emotions. To start, I’m going to teach you how to stop broadcasting so loudly when you’re upset.”

 

Rey glowers. “It’s not like I mean to.”

 

He shakes his head and looks frustrated. “No, I … I didn’t … I wasn’t trying to insult you.”

 

“Oh … Okay.” She supposes she’s could try to give him the benefit of the doubt more often but she’s still a bit irritated about Leia.

 

“First, I want you to learn to recognize when I broadcast a feeling, then we’ll move on to a thought. Once you know what it feels like to listen, it will be easier to learn now to shield.”

 

Rey nods.

 

“I’m going to allow how I feel about where we’re going to .... leak out. Focus on my Force signature the way you did with our daughter. Try to sense how it shifts, moves.”

 

“Got it.”

 

Smirking, he says, “We’ll see.”

 

He closes his eyes. She knows she should too, but getting to just watch him … even if she’s frustrated with him, she takes in his features. She realizes she … she likes his face. Right, time to focus. She closes her eyes too and reaches out, quickly finding the texture of him.

 

It’s much easier to discern him this time and it feels … nice to glide against his energy. She hears him shudder and her eyes snap open. She finds high spots of color on his cheeks. Setting aside her curiosity, she closes her eyes again and tries to find what’s changed.

 

She knows he was content when she last felt him through the Force, almost as if he was the color of a Jakku sunset, an orange-pink that always soothed her. But … this time there are swirls of gray and purple … sadness? No, not quite. Conflict, it’s conflict. She _thinks_.

 

“You feel conflicted?” she offers hesitantly.

 

They both open their eyes and he looks a bit surprised. “Yes, that’s the primary emotion, but … that was very fast for you to be able to do that. Tell me, tell me what you did?”

 

“I just … I just looked for what was different than the last time I … felt you.”

 

“And it was that clear to you?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Hmm … perhaps … perhaps the bond … Regardless, that was quite impressive. It took me weeks to be able to do that.”

 

“Weeks? It’s going to take me _weeks_ to learn to shield my thoughts?” she asks, almost accusingly.

 

His eyes widen. “I don’t … I don’t know, honestly, but it will take more than one lesson.”

 

“Oh,” she says with profound disappointment in her voice. She doesn’t want anything to slip through to her baby _or_ Kylo.

 

A deep blue wave passes through his energy and she’s engulfed in sadness. She gasps out, “What’s wrong?!”

 

Startled, he asks, “You felt that?”

 

Rey nods slowly.

 

“Ah ...“ He bites his lower lip and mutters, “Damn.”

 

“Please tell me?”

 

He sighs frustratedly. “I … that the thought of spending more time training with me disappointed you … well it hurt.” He keeps his eyes steadily on the training mat.

 

“You … you want to spend time with me?”

 

Kylo blinks rapidly, then that tenderness is back. “Of course I do. Rey, you … you’re remarkable.”

 

Her eyes go wide and that need to flee is rising. Distance, she needs distance. “And we have to learn to work together. For the baby.”

 

Now he’s almost indigo as he nods. “Right, yes. The baby.”

 

Then she can barely feel him at all and it hurts to have him disappear so quickly from her. Twining their energies had felt … right somehow.

 

Peering up at him she asks, “Did you just shield yourself?”

 

“Yes. I’d thought I could just let one feeling through but … with you … that doesn’t appear to be possible.”

 

“Do you … feel me like that, all the time?”

 

“No, I don’t … peak. It’s only when your emotions spike. But I think our child is much more sensitive to your moods.”

 

Rey’s lips draw down. “That’s what I’m most worried about.”

 

Kylo looks mildly confused. “Not me knowing … things about you?”

 

She laughs slightly. “The worst that would be would be embarrassing, but it could _hurt_ her, knowing how I feel all the time.”

 

“Hurt her?”

 

“I … I’ve been through a lot, I don’t … I don’t want to worry her when things … come up.”

 

His face shifts to profound sorrow and he hesitantly reaches for her hand. She lets him take it and tries to ignore how good it feels when he touches her.

 

Making sure she’s looking at him, he says lowly, “I’m sorry … for everything that happened. Everything I did to you.”

 

Panic grips her. She doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s too soon. She pulls her hand from his and shakily says, “Let’s just move forward.”

 

“But-”

 

“No! I … I mean, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I just … it’s too much.” Wrapping her arms around herself she looks down at her lap.

 

The silence between them stretches until he says, “Alright, Rey.” His voice trembles.

 

Forcing herself to return her gaze to him, she says, “Let’s keep going. I need to find out the location of our new base, after all.”

 

\---

 

Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes and his heart aches. She’d shocked him when she’d picked up so much from him and he’d slammed his shields down in terror. She’d come so close to his hidden places. He’d almost wanted her to.

 

Stupid. She’s just trying to build some sort of relationship between them for their daughter. She’d be disgusted if she knew how he feels about her.

 

The awkwardness is beginning to pass and he shakes himself internally. “Right, okay. Next lesson.”

 

This, he hopes, is less dangerous. Thoughts are more concrete, they don’t escape so easily so he should be able to keep control this time.

 

Clearly relieved to return to learning, Rey asks, “What do I do?”

 

“This time it’s less about our Force signatures and more about … listening. Now, I can’t reproduce what happened when you were remembering Jakku, those thoughts were almost jumping out of your head. But I _can_ think loudly. With feelings you reach out with your … heart I suppose, but with thoughts you reach out with your mind.”

 

“You realize that makes no sense, right?”

 

“You’re very new to using the Force, it’s difficult to explain with language.”

 

Rey snorts and mumbles, “Well that explains about the Jedi texts.”

 

Shock runs up his spine at that. Skywalker had found them? But he’s not going to allow them to be derailed again. He’s only just brought himself back under control and it certainly wouldn’t help to ask questions about that man.

 

“Are you ready?” Kylo asks quietly.

 

“I guess, I still don’t understand what you want me to do.”

 

“Try. It might make more sense once you try.”

 

She shrugs and closes her eyes. He should close his eyes too, but all he can do is look at her. Stars, she’s so beautiful. Her hair is pulled back in a loose bun at the base of her head and little curls have escaped, framing her face. His fingers twitch to trace her delicate cheekbones.

 

He’s not sure if it’s his imagination, but she seems to almost glow, this exceptional woman who loves their daughter so fiercely.

 

His twin stars.

 

“Twin stars? It’s in a system with twin stars?” she asks eagerly, her eyes open and sparkling.

 

Oh, oh no. He hadn’t even been _thinking_ about Corellia, so lost in her. He’s such a fool. He should have known she’d pick this up with ease, too. He’s not sure how much the bond is involved but he must be even more guarded with her.

 

“Uh, no. I’m not sure where that came from.” He cringes at the lie in his words.

 

She looks at him skeptically. “Well, I really thought I heard it, but okay. Maybe I picked something up from somewhere else,” she says thoughtfully.

 

“Hmm.” He clears his throat nervously. “Let’s try again.”

 

This time he controls himself and focuses intently on Corellia, eyes firmly closed.

 

“Corellia?” she asks in disbelief.

 

“Yes,” he says flatly. He’s still not pleased with having to go back there.

 

“But …” she murmurs, her expression concerned. “That’s …”

 

“Yes,” he acknowledges.

 

“Oh,” she breathes out.

 

He hasn’t taught her to shield anything yet and the flash of Han Solo combined with the deep red of her memory feels like his saber slicing through his own body. Her grief and confusion at how he could kill his own father buffets around him like a storm and for a brief moment he sees _that_ look in her eyes.

 

_Monster_.

 

He’d thought it had been bad when he’d pick up her stray feelings and thoughts, but they’ve grown closer, and her emotions continue to slam into him, forcing him into a place he never, ever goes.

 

Then his daughter wakes up and he nearly crumbles entirely.

 

_Papa_?

 

Oh gods, it hits him. He’s someone’s father. And he knows, he knows his father had loved him. Died for him. Just like he would for his daughter.

 

_Han Solo means nothing to me._

 

_The face of my son._

 

_When the moment came, I didn’t hesitate._

 

_The deed split your spirit to the bone._

 

What has he done? What has he _done_?

 

_Papa!_

 

Then he feels Rey soothe their child and he manages to use the last of his will to shield her from the horror blooming in his head.

 

With frantic eyes, he chokes out, “I think that’s enough for today.” He staggers to his feet and runs from the training room.

 

Calls of “Ben!” echo through his head as he sprints to his cell.

 

\---

 

Leia looks up sharply from her holopad. The feeling is sharp and ragged, like cloth tearing. Then it’s almost like a horrible, clanging, discordant sound screaming through the Force. Something is desperately wrong with her son.

 

She practically flies through the base to his cell. The guards don’t say a word as they hurriedly open the door for her. She rushes into the room to find him on his knees, choking on tears. Oh, her poor baby.

 

Then she realizes he’s saying something, over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Father, I’m so sorry.”

 

Gripping the wall to keep herself upright, Leia _understands_. She knew this was coming, she just didn’t know when. She has to see him through this. After? Well that remains to be seen.

 

She kneels next to him and gently places her hands on his shoulders. Starting violently, he snarls, “Don’t touch me!”

 

Leia backs away a bit, softly saying, “Alright, alright.”

 

He turns his face towards her and the depth of remorse she sees in his dark, expressive eyes cuts almost as deeply as losing Han.

 

_Oh my son. What have you done to yourself ..._

 

“I don’t deserve your comfort,” he weeps bitterly.

 

“But it is yours nonetheless. I will always be your mother.”

 

“I murdered Father! I don’t deserve anything but death!” he almost screams.

 

Then his door flies open for a second time and Rey is there.

 

His eyes fill with panic and plead with hers as he bellows, “Get her out of here!”

 

Leia hears, “I don’t want her to see me like this,” echo in her head.

 

Rey’s eyes are huge and she’s moving towards him. “Ben!”

 

His face crumples and again Leia hears him through the Force, “Please, Mother, _please_.”

 

She stands and goes to Rey’s shaking form. “Rey, I’ll find you later, I promise. Please let him have some time alone.”

 

Rey shakes her head and continues moving into the cell. “Ben-”

 

“Get out!” he wails. Leia frowns and Rey’s frightened eyes won’t leave Ben’s shuddering body but she does stop.

 

“I don’t want you here!” he screams so loudly Leia jumps. Tears stream down Rey’s anguished face but she turns on her heel and flees.

 

_Oh, Ben …_ Leia sighs and returns to her broken boy, again putting a hand on him. He tries to shake it off, but she says, “Shhhh, Ben, shhhh.”

 

He slumps down even further onto the cold ice floor and Leia joins him, wrapping her arms around his trembling body. His head leans into her shoulder and one of his hands curls around her wrist.

 

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who turns things around so fast! I couldn't post so frequently without her speedy brain.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who sings songs to our dog even though he swore he'd never warm to a chihuahua.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm absolutely astounded by the reaction to this fic! You're all so generous and kind. This is the last 'Powerless' update for the week, I'll be working on 'Unbidden' for the next couple of days. Thank you!!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy is comforted by Grateful Grandma with some wise words about Ghost Grandpa. Mad Mama goes spelunking in X-Wings to deal with her anger, then Desperate Daddy pokes his head out of the dog house.

Gods, he’s a mess. His eyes are almost swollen shut from crying so hard and he desperately needs to wipe his face. He’s still on his knees with Leia right next to him. He shouldn’t let her continue to comfort him, but he doesn’t have the strength to push her away.

 

His storm hasn’t come for him like that in years. No, that’s not true. This is the first time he’s lost such complete control of himself.

 

_Because he’d never murdered his father before._

 

Another choking sob is ripped from him.

 

Leia—no, his _mother_ —has held him for what feels like hours, kneeling next to his collapsed form and he doesn’t know how to look at her, how to even lift his face. He doesn’t want to see what her eyes will inevitably tell him.

 

There’s no coming back from this. He’s been running from what he’d done for three months now, always able to stay just one step ahead. Not now, now the dam has broken and he knows there’s no way to rebuild it. It’s tempting to simply sink to the bottom of the rushing river of his self-loathing and anguish.

 

Because that’s the most perverse part in all this. He _misses_ his father. He’s not even sure if he’d come so undone out of guilt or _grief_. And now, now the memories he’s been suppressing are dragging their hooks through his soul with unrelenting precision.

 

A torrent of happy memories tortures him, now that he’s free of Snoke’s subtle manipulation. Gods, he’d been so Force-damned _blind_.

 

“Son.” His mother’s voice is soft and a little pleading.

 

She soothes him with gentle rubs along his back but her touch has grown more insistent.

 

“Son … it’s time to talk.”

 

The thought fills him with terror and he furiously shakes his head. Talk? Give words to the immense pain? He can’t … he just _can’t_.

 

“Yes, Ben-”

 

When Rey calls him that it makes him hope there’s something within him worth saving, but to hear it from his mother … it just reminds him of how very unworthy he is of the name. “Please, don’t call me that.”

 

“I already told you I wouldn’t use that ridic-”

 

“It hurts,” he pleads.

 

Her breath catches. “Oh, Son …”

 

“You shouldn’t call me that, either.”

 

“But I do and I always will. So did he.”

 

A wounded, keening sound is pulled from somewhere essential and he whimpers.

 

“Come on, I’m too damned old to kneel on the ice.”

 

Realizing he’s forced her to hold this awkward position for far too long he scrambles to his feet. Without thinking, he reaches for her, helping her up. Once they’re standing she looks up at him, her eyes shining with tears.

 

“There he is, there’s my boy.”

 

A pained whine falls from his lips and he again shakes his head. “I don’t know how to be him anymore, Mother.”

 

She blinks a bit at puts her hand on her heart, a tear slipping free. “But you do, I’ve seen him every time you’re with Rey.”

 

His eyes widen and he remembers how he’d treated the mother of his child. Horror blooms in his chest as he realizes precisely _what_ he’d said to her; how in his desperation to hide his shameful break-down, he’d rejected her cruelly. Screamed at her. She’ll never let him near her again.

 

“Rey ….” he whispers brokenly, his head falling forward. .

 

“I know. You’ll have some work to do there, but she will understand.”

 

He scoffs an ugly sound. “No, how could she? _I_ don’t understand!”

 

“You were trying to protect her,” his mother says, continuing to soothe him with her hand rubbing his shoulder.

 

He had, he’d been terrified of himself. Besides, she shouldn’t have to see him like that, see what a weak, mewling thing he is. For Rey he must always be strong. She has enough on her shoulders, she doesn’t need the burden of his jagged, barely contained madness on top of everything else.

 

Leia sighs. “She will understand, I promise. Now, let’s talk; you can’t carry this alone.”

 

He seriously doubts Rey will forgive him so easily. What his mother is saying makes very little sense. Why is she offering to help him?

 

“I don’t understand! Why are you _here_?” he pleads. “I killed your husband!”

 

“Yes, you did,” she says measuredly.

 

“Why don’t you hate me? Please, please hate me. I can’t bear your forgiveness.”

 

“Well it’s a good thing I haven’t offered it. I’m not sure I ever could.” Her tone isn’t angry, just full of truth.

 

“Why are you here?!” His voice begins to rise.

 

She looks at him sharply and he suddenly feels all of 8 years old, scolded for talking back.

 

“I’m here because you’re my _son_.”

 

“That makes no sense,” he spits.

 

“Doesn’t it?” she asks with an arched brow. “You’ve only just learned you’re going to be a father, some would say you already are. Is there anything your daughter could do that would keep you from comforting her when she was in pain?”

 

The galaxy falls apart and is remade in that moment. He sees it now. She’s here because she’s his mother. It’s as simple and infinite as that.

 

“No, there isn’t.” he offers in a low voice.

 

“Now that we understand each other, let’s sit. My joints are protesting.”

 

“Of course, of course,” he says hurriedly, awkwardly gesturing to the single chair as he moves towards his cot. He hastily grabs a cloth and wipes his disaster of a face.

 

She smiles slightly and takes her seat as he sits opposite her on his sad little bed.

 

He tries to meet her eyes, he really does, but he’s only just finally stopped feeling like a fresh torrent of tears is imminent and he keeps his gaze locked on his folded hands.

 

“What do you need?” Leia asks gently.

 

Need? Why should he be allowed needs? But he glances at his mother briefly and she manages to catch him with her eyes. After they look at each other for a long time he finally murmurs, “To take it all back.”

 

Bright pain flashes in her eyes but then they’re filled with so much compassion. “I dearly wish you could, but … you don’t know what caused certain things to happen. If you hadn’t made that choice, would Rey be pregnant?”

 

That gives him pause. He truly doesn’t know. “I’m not sure.”

 

“Exactly. Perhaps you never would have let her in if you hadn’t already been blown wide open by your actions. Perhaps your father’s … end,” her voice breaks over the word, “was the price for Snoke’s death.”

 

The thought is terrifying. It makes it all seem like some cosmic dance with everyone performing their steps. “It’s not that easy.”

 

“Oh, I never said it would be easy. But please, honor your father’s sacrifice and _live_.”

 

He opens and closes his mouth, trying to find a way through, but he’d never once thought of what happened on Starkiller as something his father had _chosen_.

 

“Give his death meaning, Son. Mend things with Rey and build the life he wanted for you. Honor him by being the father I know he wished he could have been to you.”

 

“But … how can I ever live with what I did. I killed _Dad_! I tried to create distance, pretend it was Han Solo I was killing, the legend, the enemy, but … I … I don’t know how to allow myself to move past this. I don’t deserve to.”

 

She reaches out and captures his hands in hers. “Then let Dad guide you the way he desperately wanted to. Let him be a father to you one last time. Go on for _him_.”

 

The idea takes root in his brain and though he’s not ready to let this lifeline capture him just yet, he can feel the truth in his mother’s words.

 

He stares at their hands for a long time before finally breathing out, “Thank you … Mom.”

 

\---

 

She’d immediately made her way to her station. It’s late and though many others are going to be working all night, her section had been—thankfully—empty. No one had stopped her determined strides and she hopes no one had noticed her hastily wiped away tears.

 

Now she’s struggling with accessing a converter deep in the belly of her second X-Wing. She’s organized them from best to worst case, but she’s beginning to think she might have been wrong about this one. In another fifteen minutes she’s going to move on to the next one. It’s a lesson she learned well in the deserts of Jakku. Never stick with a lost cause, no matter how much effort you’ve already expended. Better to eat than chase hope.

 

Just like Kylo Ren. She can’t believe she’d slipped back to calling him _Ben_. He’d felt so broken through the Force, somehow that’s what her heart demanded. Her face scrunches into a scowl as she remembers how he’d yelled at her with wild, frantic eyes.

 

Why does she keep forgetting he called her nothing? He doesn’t want her, she knows he doesn’t want her.

 

_“I don’t want you here!”_

 

If only he’d stop looking at her like he does.

 

She grunts, putting her anger into finally loosening the bolt that had been giving her trouble. But then … the hair on the back of her neck stands up and she knows that _he’s_ here. What in the galaxy could he possibly want from her? She has to get it through her thick skull that whatever she’d imagined through the bond, in the cave … it’s just not there.

 

It doesn’t matter that she feels things she’s never felt when he touches her. It doesn’t matter that his soft brown eyes do something to her. Maybe she should consider Poe’s offer. Maybe that would make the strange feeling in her belly go away.

 

Pulling herself out of the X-Wing she slowly turns to the father of her child, not knowing what will greet her. Whatever it was she’d thought, it wasn’t to find him looking small.

 

How could a man of his size manage to look … so insignificant. It was like he was pulled completely in on himself, almost as if he’s waiting for a blow.

 

She lets out a long sigh, realizing it’s a blow that will never come, at least not from her. But she’s still angry with him.

 

“Kylo,” she states flatly.

 

His whole body flinches. Had he really expected her to keep calling him _Ben_?

 

She waits for him to speak. And waits. And waits.

 

“Look, I’m busy. What do you want?”

 

Not meeting her eyes, he says, “I’m sorry.” He uses such a low, achingly sincere voice that it wraps itself around her heart and confuses her utterly. He seems to be in so much pain.

 

Maybe it’s just from before. She knew he was struggling with what he did to Han. And for much of her walk to the hangar she’d taken a savage pleasure in him crumbling under the weight of his sins. To bring it up now would feel like kicking a stray dog.

 

But she’s had enough of reaching out to him only to have him reject her. They haven’t even talked about how he’d thrown her away, too. Just like her parents. Their drink mattered more than she did and he was exactly the same, only his habit was power.

 

So oh no, Kylo Ren. This doesn’t get to be _easy_. Thank the Maker her little one is sleeping deeply. She’d fall like a house of sabacc cards if the baby started calling out for him.

 

Keeping her arms crossed she watches him, waiting for what he’ll say next. He keeps his head bowed and she gets the strangest idea that he’s one step from falling to his knees. But he doesn’t, instead his head slowly rises.

 

She can’t help but gasp when she sees the ravages of profound grief on his face, his eyelids are red and swollen, his face blotchy. And his eyes, his eyes are like pools of anguish reflecting every dashed dream she’s ever had.

 

“Rey, I’m so, so sorry.”

 

Swallowing past the sudden lump in her throat, she asks, “For what, exactly?” She’s surprised that she just sounds curious. Where did all her rage go? Gods … he looks like he just needs someone to hold him.

 

He takes in a shaky breath then clears his throat. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. You didn’t deserve that.”

 

Rey wants to spit, “You’re right, I didn’t.” But instead she asks, “Why, why did you? I was only worried about you.”

 

His face crumples and he nods. “I know. I know. Even though I don’t deserve your concern.”

 

Something about that irritates her and she snaps, “It’s mine to give to whomever I want. You don’t get to decide for me.”

 

His brows rise and she’s so relieved to see a hint of a smile. “No, you’re right. But … I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

 

“Why?” she asks confusedly. They’ve seen each other in battle, he’s seen her crying her eyes out and being tortured for gods’ sake.

 

Blinking rapidly, he says, “Because … uh, because … I ...” He trails off and frowns. “I’m not really sure,” he seems to say to himself, looking away.

 

Rey glances over at all the X-Wings left and realizes she really doesn’t have time for this, even though she’d like very much to understand this compelling man in front of her.

 

He looks back to her and his eyes are filled with that strange yearning again, the expression that always leaves her flustered and confused. “Please forgive me.”

 

Oh. Well that’s too much, it’s too soon. She’s beginning to think maybe it’s time for them to really talk, but not now. There’s too much to do.

 

“Kylo … thank you for apologizing. I can’t yet, I’ll think about it though. But right now I have to get back to this.” She gestures with her hand covered in engine grease towards her current attempt.

 

He tilts his head and regards the derelict X-Wings. “How many?”

 

She blinks. “What?”

 

“How many do you have left to get flying?”

 

“Oh, well I think there are five that _might_ fly without specialized parts. This is the second. So four.”

 

He nods and starts to take his coat off. She’s forcibly reminded of seeing him without his shirt and she gasps out, “What are you doing?”

 

After throwing his coat to the side, he’s rolling up his sleeves. “Helping you.”

 

“ _You_ are going to help _me_ rebuild X-Wing engines,” she says incredulously. This is a senator and general’s son, he must have grown up with _everything_ then went off to be a Jedi. What could he possibly know about _ships_?

 

An infuriatingly arrogant smirk spreads across his face. “You’d be surprised.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes. “Right. I’m not letting you anywhere near my engines.”

 

His expression softens into that infinitely gentle look he sometimes gives her. “Just let me try. If you let me help you, maybe you’ll even get some sleep tonight.”

 

Her body takes that exact moment to yawn spectacularly. Stupid pregnancy, making her tired all of the time. One all-nighter should be nothing!

 

She’s about to refuse when she yawns again and she knows she’s caught. “Fine. You can hand me tools.”

 

“Whatever you say, Rey,” he says in an almost teasing tone that makes her squirm.

 

\---

 

“We just have to reseat it and that should take care of it,” Kylo offers. He can’t believe she’s actually letting him help. Once he’d made it clear he knew his way around the basics she’d finally relented and told him the problem. He’s been very careful not to think about _why_ he knows what he’s doing.

 

Rey glares at him. “I _know_. What do you think I’ve been trying to do?” She points to all the parts she’s pulled out trying to get to the loose converter.

 

He keeps his face as blank as possible. She’s not going to like this and while he does enjoy teasing her, he doesn’t want to make her feel stupid. She’s just new to the Force and doesn’t think of it as a tool always at her side.

 

“May I try something?” he asks gently.

 

“Why not? I was about to move on to the next one anyway. Have at it.” She throws her hands up in frustration.

 

Nodding, he shifts closer to her so he can better see what he’s doing. Moving out of his way, her body slides past his and he suppresses a shudder. She’d barely touched him, but he’s hyper aware of her every movement.

 

He’d hoped she would have left him to it, but she clearly has no intention of leaving him alone with _her_ X-Wings. Sighing, he reaches his hand out and uses the Force to nudge the loose part back into place, then firmly tighten the brackets.

 

“Bantha spit,” she swears. “I didn’t even think of using the Force.”

 

Kylo shrugs sheepishly. He doesn’t want her to think he was showing off. “It’s just new, that’s all.”

 

Rey sighs dejectedly. “Yeah, okay.”

 

He doesn’t like the defeated look on her face and he wants … he wants to take her hand in his and comfort her, but he knows he shouldn’t. That he won’t.

 

She looks away and her expression is pinched and troubled, but she shakes herself and smiles up at him. “Let’s fire her up, make sure she’s ready to fly.”

 

Then she scrambles up into the cockpit but he still sees that she’s upset.

 

\---

 

They’re working closely together, she’s soldering while he’s holding the pieces in place to repair the landing gear. Words have long since stopped being used as they touch and nudge with their hands and shoulders. Kylo can’t remember the last time he was so content.

 

The satisfaction of completing tasks, being useful, coupled with how at ease she seems to be … it pushes back the hurricane that lives inside him. She makes him think he could find a way to live and the child she carries gives him a reason to.

 

And of course that she keeps touching him … it excites and calms him at the same time. Her fingers guide him to where she wants the next piece and he thinks she might have let them linger at his wrist but he’s not sure.

 

\---

 

“Damn!” he shouts as a wrench gets away from him and he gets his hand pinched. He starts shaking his fingers, annoyed at his clumsiness.

 

Rey grabs his hand. “Let me see.”

 

Yes, they’ve grown comfortable with the casual touches of working together but this … it’s different somehow.

 

She inspects his injury and starts to rub his bruised hand. It’s almost sensual and he swallows thickly. She can’t do that, he’ll do something stupid if she keeps doing that.

 

“Stop that. My hands are dirty.” _My hands are dirty? Idiot._

 

She looks up at him with confused eyes. “My hands are dirty, too.”

 

Oh. Well, that’s true. And he’s not about to tell her not to touch him, not if she seems to want to. She keeps gently stroking his injured palm and oh stars, he’s _reacting_. Thank the Maker his trousers are heavy and thick for the cold temperatures.

 

Rey is looking down on his hand, seeming almost mesmerized and he’d give an embarrassingly large amount of credits to know what she’s thinking.

 

Breaking out of her trance she looks up at him and her eyes are wide. He could get lost in her fathomless hazel eyes, the way the colors change and glint. He’s begun to breathe shallowly as her fingers glide over his palm and kneed into his skin.

 

She’s so _close_ , somehow they’ve drawn very near. The air is charged and the Force swirls around them. He thinks he’s going to fall into her eyes and never leave. Closer … closer …

 

Then she blinks and the spell is broken. He awkwardly clears his throat. “Uh, thank you. It feels much better.”

 

Rey just shrugs and rushes back under the X-Wing. Kylo stares after her, wondering what just happened.

 

His hand still tingles from her touch.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, especially for putting up with my scattered, pushy self. You are so very patient.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who patiently waited at the mall while I found shoes _and_ clothes then took me for a mani/pedi. It was like going on the best high school date ever. My boyfriend is so dreamy!
> 
> Thank you readers! Your glorious comments are simply fantastic and my muse eats them up (quite messily, I'm afraid). I'm so grateful to everyone reading, kudo'ing, and commenting! <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grateful Grandma has had it up to here with Space Suitor the Second then Captain Cockblock and Desperate Daddy come to some sort of detente.

After Ben’s breakdown, the last thing Leia wants to be doing is overseeing an evacuation. She’d much rather find one of Han’s bottles of Corellian whiskey and cry.

 

At least they aren’t running for their lives this time. In the last two months they’ve been able to recover—to a certain degree—and begin to refill their ranks. They’re now almost 150 strong and have begun to build a small fleet. When they were less than 50 and crammed into the _Falcon_ it had felt very bleak indeed.

 

Not that she’d shared that with anyone. Their financial situation had given her many sleepless nights. The primary banks were all housed on Hosnia and it had taken time to access the less … savory funding. Drawing her thumb over her wedding ring, she silently thanks Han for his paranoia.

 

She’d foolishly put her faith in the New Republic, never imagining how quickly it had all been consumed by Starkiller Base. But Han, Han had never believed in the government. She remembers how late they’d fought that night.

 

“Dammit Leia, listen to me!”

 

“I _am_ listening to you, I just don’t _agree_ with you,” she had said calmly.

 

“Sweetheart, you don’t know. You don’t know how things really get done in this galaxy.”

 

She’d scoffed haughtily. “Ah, yes, a senator has no idea.”

 

His face had pulled into a frustrated grimace. “Look, has it ever occurred to you what would happen if your precious system falls? The next Empire is just one madman away.”

 

The thought had shocked her and she’d finally tried to understand what he was saying. A sad smile pulls at her lips as she remembers how he’d smirked when he’d convinced her. The night had ended with a plan and the last time he’d shared her bed.

 

She lets out a shuddering breath.

 

_Oh Han …_

 

Comforting Ben, helping to put him back together has made her miss Han more than she would have thought possible. But he did it. He brought their son home. Her eyes sting with loss and pride. When it mattered, he always came through. Always.

 

She should have been kinder to her husband ...

 

“General,” Poe’s frustrated voice interrupts her bittersweet thoughts.

 

“Yes, Commander Dameron?” she acknowledges, certain this will frustrate her.

 

“Kylo Ren escaped his cell and is in the hangar, working on X-Wings!” he exclaims indignantly.

 

Leia pinches the bridge of her nose. It was too much to hope he’d just go back to where he was supposed to be after he’d apologized to Rey. However, if she’s honest, it’s an excellent sign that he’s willing to help her fix their ships. Leia knows why he’s so knowledgeable about X-Wings and it doesn’t have anything to do with the First Order. It’s the first real sign that his loyalty might be expanding beyond Rey.

 

She’s going to have to change his _accommodations_ when they reach Corellia. The pretense of holding him in a cell was only ever an illusion, anyway. If he’s going to find his way back to himself, be the man she thinks he can be, he needs his freedom. He has to learn to trust, himself and others, and that won’t happen if she doesn’t show that trust first.

 

“Leia,” Poe nudges her urgently. “He _must_ go back to his cell.”

 

“Poe, you worked with him to find our new base, do you really think he’s up to something?”

 

His expression grows grim. “I expect to find the First Order waiting for us on Corellia, so yes, I do. But after Crait I learned the importance of chain of command and I pray I’m wrong,” he says seriously.

 

Leia purses her lips. “I see. Well, I’m glad to hear you learned something about trusting your superior officers. And I’m going to have to ask you to trust me a little further. He will be getting quarters when we arrive.”

 

Poe’s eyes narrow, and he’s about to say something when she silences him with a sharp look. A nerve jumps in his temple, but he nods sharply in acceptance. Then there’s real fear in his eyes. “But he’s with Rey right now, what if he hurts her?”

 

Leia rolls her eyes. “I know the situation is … complicated for you, but you need to let them work this out between them. They share a child.”

 

Poe flinches and looks vaguely ill. “I know,” he grits out. “But that doesn’t mean he should be part of their lives! Just because some mystical mumbo jumbo decided to play Maker doesn’t mean he won’t hurt them. We need to protect her!”

 

“That’s up to Rey,” Leia says firmly.

 

He glowers and grumbles, “I’m not sure she’s thinking straight. You know how pregnant women get.”

 

Leia arches a single brow. “I seem to remember reconstructing the galaxy while I was pregnant. Was I _not thinking straight_?”

 

Poe’s eyes widen as he understands what he’d suggested. “No! General Organa, I would _never_ question your judgement.”

 

“But you would Rey’s? The last Jedi?”

 

Thankfully, Poe has the grace to look ashamed. “No, no … I wasn’t thinking.”

 

“No, Commander Dameron, you weren’t. As to my son, we need all the help we can get. The more X-Wings we can take with us, the safer we’ll be. Leave them alone. And that’s an order.”

 

“Yes, General,” Poe says, his shoulders falling in defeat.

 

\---

 

Rey hides under an X-Wing for far longer than she should. She keeps rubbing her hands together and she can’t decide if it’s to hold on to the feeling of sliding their fingers together or to chase it away.

 

The way he’d looked at her, the way _she’d_ looked at _him_. His eyes are … well they’re beautiful. They beckon to something deep and deliciously forbidden hidden away in her core. Heat—they glow with some inner fire she’s beginning to worry will consume her.

 

And a part of her very much wants to be consumed.

 

He’d been so _close_ , and she’d just wanted him closer. And his lips … they’d made her want preposterous things. She has no idea how it would feel to press her lips to his, but she'd almost done it, leaned forward, found the answer to one of her countless questions.

 

She throws a rag angrily at her tools. It’s no use, she _knows_ what these reactions mean. Just because she’s never felt them with anyone else doesn’t mean it’s not true.

 

It’s terrifying to _want_ someone, to be vulnerable like that. The way he’d looked at her after he’d killed the last guard, it had scared her. So primal, so instinctual. What would have happened if she hadn’t thought first of her friends? If she’d let him stalk towards her like she’s sure he wanted to?

 

She could tell herself going to the _Supremacy_ was something noble, trying to help him—and that’s true … but it wasn’t all of it. It’s part of why his rejection hurt so deeply.

 

She … she’d opened her heart to him and he’d thrown it away. But he’s here. And maybe it wasn’t just for the baby. Maybe … maybe he wants her too.

 

Her breath starts to come faster as she considers letting him back in, but she’s engulfed in a lifetime’s worth of memories. No one has ever, ever wanted her back. To trust _him_ like that … _again_ —it’s just too terrifying to entertain.

 

“Rey?” His voice sounds concerned and she realizes that’s all he’s done since he came here, worry for her, try to care for her … help her. Perhaps he really does care about her, too, not just their child. But … did he come here for her or for their daughter? Does it really matter? Stars, she’s so confused!

 

“Rey?” Now he sounds genuinely worried and his shadow crosses hers as he comes into view. He holds onto the nose of the X-Wing and stoops to get a look at her. “Are you … are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine,” she says a bit too quickly.

 

He frowns slightly. “Maybe you should lay down, take a nap. I can keep working. There’s only two left.”

 

Honestly, a nap sounds like a gift from the gods. In addition to her mind and heart—not to mention her traitorous body—warring for dominance, she’s bone-tired. She’s really beginning to understand why pregnancy was a death sentence on Jakku. But she won’t shirk her duties and sleep while someone else completes her tasks.

 

“No, no, I’m fine. Let’s just get these finished.” She suppresses a yawn and his frown deepens.

 

“What about just 15 minutes?” he pleads, those eyes whispering to her to listen to him, to let him care for her.

 

She can’t, it’s just not her. Rey shakes her head, “Come on, let’s get started on this one.”

 

Sighing he stands as she moves out from under the ship but he doesn’t follow her. She turns and looks at his brooding form. “Well?”

 

“What if we each take one, see if we can get this done quickly?”

 

That would mean trusting him completely with the safety of one of the Resistance’s pilots. She trusts him with her safety, and that of their daughter, but they only have two dozen or so pilots and they’re her friends … can she trust him with that?

 

Then she remembers Leia trusted him enough to find their new base and she nods slowly. “Yeah, okay. I got this one, you take the last ship over there.”

 

He smiles widely and Rey blinks, startled. She’s never seen him look like that. His whole face is completely transformed and she stares at him dumbly.

 

“What?” he asks, the smile sliding from his face.

 

_He’s beautiful_ … “Uh, nothing. Let’s get to work.”

 

He tilts his head, clearly about to ask more, but then he nods. “Right, okay. I’ll just be right over here then,” he says as he gestures to the final X-Wing.

 

Rey ducks back under the ship without another word.

 

\---

 

Kylo suppresses a laugh when he sees what’s wrong with ‘his’ X-Wing. She clearly didn’t trust him with anything complicated. Some native rodent had chewed through most of the wires. It’s a tedious but extremely simple job.

 

Indulging himself in a quiet chuckle, he begins to strip the wires.

 

\---

 

He’s about halfway through when he realizes he hasn’t heard the sound of her tools in a long time. Focusing, he listens intently and there’s no sound at all coming from Rey’s X-Wing. Frowning, he puts down the wire cutters and he’s about to call out when he wonders …

 

Stealthily, he makes his way to Rey and his face melts into a soft smile when he finds her fast asleep on the maintenance platform. She’s curled in on herself and her hand is protectively laid across her abdomen.

 

There’s something about watching her fingers curl around her belly that makes his breath hitch. She _loves_ their daughter. He knew that of course, Rey is the sort of person who would love her child with her entire being. But this is the first time it hits him that she loves a part of him, safely growing inside of her. It’s so close to her loving _him_ that it makes him glow with happiness and gasp in pain. So close, but never close enough.

 

“Hey, Sunshine!” a voice bellows. “How’s the sweetest mechanic in the Resistance?”

 

Alarmed she might have been awakened by the loud question, he swiftly looks at Rey. To his great relief, she’s still deeply asleep. He stands up on the platform and looks down on FN-2187 … Finn.

 

He vaults down from the platform and walks over to Finn. “I can honestly say I’ve never been called ‘Sunshine’ before,” Kylo says lowly, pitching his voice so Finn can hear him. “Now be quiet, she’s sleeping.”

 

The former stormtrooper gapes unattractively, his eyes opening and closing in shock. Kylo smirks at the picture the other man makes. This shouldn’t be so much fun, but, well …

 

“Can I help you?” Kylo asks impatiently.

 

There’s a flash in Finn’s eyes, but then he stands straighter and the air seems to grow even colder. “Ren.”

 

Kylo considers playing this game, but opts to behave. “Finn.” Well, not completely, he still draws himself to his full height.

 

Finn’s eyes widen, Kylo isn’t sure if his expression is because he'd called him by his chosen name or that he’s currently looming over the shorter man.

 

“I … I just wanted to check on Rey, see if she … uh needed anything.” He riffles through his pockets “I brought crackers.”

 

Kylo raises a brow. “Crackers?”

 

“Yeah, Poe said she’d been getting sick a lot. I asked Dr. Kalonia and she told me pregnant women like … crackers.”

 

Now it’s Kylo’s turn to be at a loss for words. Rey’s been sick? Why hadn’t anyone told him? Is something wrong and no one saw fit to share that? That the information comes via Dameron is just the final blow.

 

“She’s been ill?” Kylo asks, his voice low and dangerous.

 

Finn shakes his head quickly. “No! It’s just the pregnancy. I guess it makes women get … sick. They don’t like to eat much.”

 

Well that won’t do at all. Rey is growing a human being, she needs her nutrients! “I see. And she can eat … crackers?”

 

Finn shrugs. “I … I uh don’t know what she likes because I’ve been on recruitment duty for the last four weeks. But, uh, Poe said she tended to eat little bites of things, toast … things like that.”

 

“Hmm,” Kylo acknowledges, his jaw working. Dameron knows far too much about Rey’s habits, but he files the information away for later. “Well, as I said, she’s asleep, so ...”

 

Finn starts to move towards the platform and Kylo steps in front of him quickly. “What do you think you’re doing?”

 

All of Finn’s trepidation falls away. “Look man, I was here first. You aren’t going to get in the way of me taking care of my best friend. I’m going to wake her up and walk her back to her room.”

 

“No,” Kylo growls.

 

Finn’s eyes grow hard and his fists clench. “You are not her keeper.”

 

Kylo wants to roar that yes he Force-well is, but instead he reminds himself that this is Rey’s … friend. “I mean,” he says with his nostrils flaring, “That if you wake her she’ll insist on continuing to work. I’ll finish up the ships and she’ll sleep. Then _I_ will get her to the transport.”

 

Finn looks at him incredulously. “You, Kylo Ren, know how to fix X-Wings?”

 

Something about the name strikes him hard, and he finds himself saying, “I used to be Ben Solo and I grew up around bases just like this. The mechanics took me under their wing.” He doesn’t say that he’d done it to impress his father.

 

Nodding slowly, Finn says, “I’m just gonna check on her.”

 

He doesn’t like it, not one bit, but he can’t think of a good reason to deny her _best friend_. “Fine,” Kylo bites out.

 

Finn steps around Kylo carefully and climbs up the platform. He sees Finn’s face soften as he looks down on Rey. He braces himself for the wave of jealousy that doesn’t come. Curious.

 

“Okay … you’ll finish this up and make sure she’s on the transport?”

 

“I said I would, didn’t I?”

 

Finn peers up at him. “Yeah. Yeah you did.” The other man’s eyes are calculating, as if he’s making many connections and Kylo isn’t sure what to think.

 

Starting to move away, Finn stops and hands him the crackers. “Take care of our girl.”

 

Bristling at the use of ‘our’, Kylo grumbles, “I always will.”

 

“Yeah. I know.”

 

Kylo watches the confounding man walk away, not quite sure what just happened.

 

Shaking his head, he finds a clean drop cloth and wraps it around Rey’s curled form. He’s about to move the hair away from her face when he sees the grease on his fingers. They tremble to touch her, but he snatches his hand away.

 

Once she’s tucked in nicely he lets himself look at her for just a moment before turning away.

 

Time to get back to work.

 

\---

 

He finishes with two hours to spare before the transports leave. His back pops as he stretches, aching from a night out on the ice and the nights in his cramped cell. No sleep last night hasn’t helped matters. But he truly doesn’t care because Rey has slept peacefully for the last few hours while he finished up their work. All five of the X-Wings she’d hoped to complete are ready to fly and he’s actually a bit proud of himself.

 

Now it’s time to take her to her assigned transport. He knows it’s the _Falcon_ , because really, why couldn’t he possibly get a break? At least he can focus on her instead of the memories that are sure to come for him.

 

The platform makes a high whine as he lowers it to the ground and he gets to see her lovely face, so delicate in sleep. It had been difficult to not simply watch her sleep the whole night through.

 

He crouches next to Rey and gently pulls her into his arms, savoring the sensation for later. He jealously hoards every touch, every moment he has her near. But nothing feels better than holding her.

 

Remembering the shock when he’d experienced touching her for the first time on Takodana, he pulls her close. His fingers had clenched around her back and thighs and he’d gasped at how right she felt. There was no preparation possible for holding his reason to his chest. He’d been so relieved that his ragged breathing had been too low for his voice modulator to pick up.

 

Because his heart had raced, his breath so fast it was almost as if he had been panting. He hadn’t even been able to set her down, keeping her in his lap the whole trip to Starkiller Base.

 

Now, now it’s so different but his heart catches just the same. She’s put on some weight, for which he’s extremely grateful. Her lithe body is sublime, but she’d seemed so frail the first time he’d felt her. It had brought out a savage protectiveness that he only now understands.

 

And this time he’s not so confused. This time he knows who she is.

 

His. Or perhaps he's hers. Hers. He’s hers.

 

Holding her securely, he starts his walk to the _Millennium Falcon_ , knowing that soon his heart will shatter and bleed all over the floor.

 

\---

 

It’s the scent that hits him first. It smells like his childhood and he stagers slightly. But he catches himself quickly, minding his precious burden. Rey murmurs a bit, but her eyes stay closed.

 

His vision is beginning to tunnel and he locks his eyes on Rey. Her soft skin, silken hair, the smattering of freckles that beg to be counted. Without even trying, she brings him back.

 

However, the low growl that greets him … he’d not considered that. He should have, he sees that now, but he’s suddenly worried he’s going to have to set her down quickly and fight for his life.

 

Instead his father’s immense best friend comes out of the shadows and his deep rumble is like a slap across the face.

 

<You dare to touch her?>

 

Shaking his head quickly, Kylo offers, “She’s exhausted, she needed the sleep. I promise that’s all this is.”

 

Chewie’s eyes narrow. <Don’t lie. Not to me. She carries your pup.>

 

Looking down on her sweet, content face, Kylo can only nod.

 

<Selfish> Chewie spits.

 

“Yes,” Kylo agrees. He’s not blind to the fact that having Kylo Ren as a father will only bring his daughter pain, but his need to be the one to soothe that pain is much stronger than his will.

 

Kylo holds the wookiee’s eyes until Chewie jerks his head aft. <Captain’s quarters.>

 

A sharp, pained breath is pulled from Kylo. Of course, _of course_ it would be his _parents’_ room. Silently he takes the path he knows so well to the wide berth towards the back of the ship.

 

Once he arrives, he pushes away all of the unwanted memories and keeps all of his attention on making her comfortable. Using the Force, he pulls back the blankets and gently lays her down. Reaching out, he finds his child still floating in happy sleep.

 

He spends far too long trying to decide what to do about her boots before he’s pulling them from her feet. Kylo can’t help it, he holds her little foot in his hand and he smiles. Everything about her is so small when compared to him. Then he realizes he’s just touching her because he wants to and he quickly backs away, scrubbing his face with his hands. He has to get out of here before he crawls in next to her and their daughter.

 

He’s almost to her door when he hears her mumble in her sleep, “Ben …”

 

His heart stutters in his chest. He _hates_ that she calls him Kylo, though he knows it's all he deserves. Hearing his given name in her sleepy voice almost makes him crumble. Her slender hands kneed at the blankets and his eyes are entranced by their movement. That’s it. He has to leave. Now.

 

Striding swiftly to the exit he almost crashes into the wookiee. <Where do you think you’re going?> he snarls.

 

“To my transport,” Kylo explains gruffly. He has to get out of here.

 

Chewie shoves him with one huge paw. <No. You don’t leave your mate and pup. Your father raised you better than that.>

 

“She’s not … she’s not my mate.”

 

Chewie tilts his head and turns towards the cockpit. <You know the way to your berth. Selfish _and_ stupid.>

 

Not understanding why he’s obeying the howled orders, his feet are bringing him back towards Rey. His was the berth next to where he’d left her.

 

The last thing he hears is one last frustrated growl.

 

<Humans.>

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How lucky am I that ArtemisBare could read two days in a row! Best. Editor. Ever. <3
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who's taking me to see South Pacific at a local theater. It's a favorite musical I used to watch with my Dad and I've never seen it on the big screen. 
> 
> Thank you readers! You are feeding my muse so well! She's been rolling around in the comments (honestly, she's such a slob). You are the most amazing people, truly.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uncle Over This decides if it worked for Grateful Grandma and Ghost Grandpa it'll work on these crazy kids. Desperate Daddy and Not-So-Mad Mama finally, finally talk.

The chirp from her personal comm pulls Leia’s attention from supervising organized chaos. Only a small number of people would use it. She wonders who would be contacting her in the middle of the evacuation.

 

“Leia here,” she acknowledges neutrally.

 

A series of howls is her greeting, causing her to smile. Over the years she’s grown to consider the wookiee family and it bothers her he keeps himself to the old Corellian freighter. She invites him to dinner every week, but he still hasn’t joined her.

 

“Hello, Chewie,” she says fondly.

 

<Your pup tried to leave his pregnant mate,> he growls angrily. Chewie is always to the point.

 

“They aren’t precisely mates; it’s complicated.”

 

<Only to humans,> is his gruff response.

 

Leia smiles, remembering how she and Han had danced around each other for so long. What would she give to have those wasted months back? They never really had time just for them. If she’d known what she knows now she would have held on with both hands the first time he’d flirted with her.

 

But she’d been so offended by his cavalier manner, certain she was just the latest in a string of meaningless conquests, she hadn’t seen that he was _afraid_. Afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of the feelings she stirred in him. Of course she’d been afraid, too. No man had ever made her so angry or so intrigued. So stubborn, the both of them. And for what? Shaking her head, she asks, “So he’s going with Rey, then?”

 

He howls his acknowledgement and Leia is suddenly aware of what this must cost Chewie. Her old friend is still grieving and she’d been careful to only place Rey with him. Everyone packed into the _Millennium Falcon_ had been almost too much for the wookiee. That he’s willing to have Ben on board is a great surprise but he _had_ always loved her boy fiercely. Perhaps this is the first step for more than just Rey finding reconciliation with her wayward child.

 

“It’s your choice. We’ll see you in a few hours,” she says.

 

<No. Little One needs time to see. Your pup needs time to show.>

 

“Well … alright,” she says slowly, weighing the possibilities. Giving them time might be just what they need or result in an irreconcilable rift. “When will you be joining us?”

 

<When he stops abandoning mate. Stupid, blind pup.>

 

Leia has to stifle a snort. Chewie isn’t wrong. Ben and Rey couldn’t be more obvious about their feelings for each other if they tried. However, she does understand what a mess their situation is. “He doesn’t _want_ to abandon her, he’s trying to give her space.”

 

<No! Watched once before. Too old now,> he snarls impatiently.

 

Now she has to bite her knuckle to keep from guffawing. She hadn’t understood shyriiwook when she and Han first met. She can only imagine what he’d been saying all those years ago. Perhaps Chewie has the right idea, it had taken being trapped on the Falcon for her to acknowledge what she felt for her future husband.

 

“Alright, you do what you think is best—but don’t leave it too long.”

 

He howls smuggly. <Be well, Princess.>

 

Leia sits down for a moment in all the tumult of moving bases. Then she can’t hold it in any longer and she starts to cackle. Oh, that wily old wookiee has his moments.

 

Finn looks over at her quizzically and she gets herself under control, waving away his curiosity. She’s allowed to be a batty old woman from time to time. She’s earned it.

 

Taking in a deep breath, she focuses again on the endless tasks ahead of her.

 

Obviously, her son’s brain is utterly scrambled and she types out a quick order to have his TIE Silencer loaded onto the _Ackbar_ , their only cruiser. She just hopes Rose Tico won’t have disassembled it by the time they arrive on Corellia.

 

Oh, what she’d give to have an open comm channel for whatever will happen next with the two young people she loves so much. This time she lets herself laugh and laugh.

 

\---

 

_Papa! Papa! Papa!_

 

Rey’s eyes fly open at her daughter’s great distress.

 

_Papa!!!_ nearly screams through her body.

 

She reaches for her baby as Kylo had taught her and tries to calm her down. As she’s attempting to soothe her, she looks around blinking sleep from her eyes, wondering how she ended up on the _Falcon_. She can hear the engines and realizes they must be en route to Corellia.

 

But nothing is helping her frantic child, who just keeps calling out for her father. Can she sense that they’re on different ships?

 

Wait. She widens her senses and she feels him. He’s _very_ near and he’s … she can’t even discern anything but extreme emotion.

 

She jumps to her feet and tears out of her room, following her senses.

 

Flinging his door open, she finds him twisted in his blankets clearly having a horrific nightmare. Tears are streaming down his face and he’s mumbling, “No, I didn’t want to, please, please stop. Me, take me.”

 

_Paaaapaaaaa!_

 

Placing her hand on her belly she soothes, “Shhh, it’s alright, I’ll take care of him, I promise,” she whispers down to her baby.

 

“Kylo?” she says hesitantly as she gingerly touches him. But he keeps writhing and she braces both her hands on his shoulders and shakes him firmly.

 

He wails, “Rey!” But his eyes are screwed tightly shut.

 

“I’m here!” she responds, growing increasingly worried as he still won’t wake up. She tries to pick up what’s going on in his dreamscape, but she just gets flashes of pain and guilt, fear and shame.

 

She goes on her knees next to him and cradles his tear-tracked face in her hands. “Ben! Wake up, Ben!”

 

A ragged moan is his only response.

 

“Ben!”

 

Finally his eyes spring open and he gasps. Before she knows it, he has her in his arms, holding her tightly. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he weeps into her neck, his face buried in her hair.

 

“What? What is it, Ben?” she asks frantically. What is he apologizing for?

 

Then he goes completely still before he abruptly pulls away from her, skittering to the other end of his berth. Where she could sense him the moment before, there’s only a blank wall and she can’t feel anything from him at all.

 

His eyes are wide and panicked then his head falls forward into his hands.

 

“Ben, please talk to me.”

 

His whole body is trembling and it takes a long time for him to look up. His haunted face makes her want to crawl in next to him. She’s so worried about him she doesn’t bother to chastise herself.

 

_Papa, Papa, Papa_ , runs in a loop through her consciousness.

 

She tries to reach for him, but he pulls away, looking utterly terrified of touching her. The howling of her child is reaching a fever pitch and she finally shouts, “Ben! Your daughter needs you!”

 

His eyes swim with confusion and she pleads, “Listen to her, she’s frantic!”

 

Finally, finally, his face begins to clear and it’s quickly replaced by anguish. But he acts and she can feel him as he floods their baby with love and reassurance. Rey breathes out in relief, the cacophony in the Force finally calming.

 

Refusing to meet her eyes, he whispers. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare her. I didn’t mean to scare either of you.”

 

Slowly she sits on the edge of his bed, keeping herself on the other end with her body angled towards him.

 

“Tell me.”

 

Shaking his head swiftly is his only response.

 

“Why not?” she gently asks.

 

He lets out a shuddering breath. “It’s not your burden.”

 

“Was it … was it about … was it about your father?”

 

“No,” he says lowly.

 

“I’m so worried, please, let me help you.”

 

A hollow laugh escapes him and he says dejectedly, “You can’t.”

 

Slowly, she moves her hand towards him, reaching out as far as she can. “Let me try?”

 

Cautiously, he lifts his eyes and peers out at her through his hair. They dart to her outstretched hand and she sees that yearning she still doesn’t understand, even if she’s beginning to. His fingers tremor as they creep towards her. Time crawls as if something life-altering is about to happen.

 

Then, his fingers curl around hers and she has a flash of his feelings and her breath hitches at the self-loathing and disgust that roils along the bond. Tightening her fingers around his, she scoots closer as she pulls him to her. Enough of this, he needs _something_ and this is all she has to give.

 

At first he resists but then he whimpers as his whole body goes slack, allowing her to enfold him in her arms. She holds his head against her shoulder and strokes her fingers through his hair. He kneads at her back and she thinks he might be crying again.

 

“Please, Ben, please tell me.”

 

“Rey … say my name again, tell me who I am.” His voice is so small and his bearing so shattered that it makes her heart crack in her chest.

 

“Ben. You’re Ben.” She’ll never call him Kylo again. How could she when she finally has Ben Solo in her arms?

 

The most broken little ‘Oh’ shudders through him and now Rey’s tears join his.

 

They stay like that, wrapped around each other for an age, until he eventually begins to pull away. It’s so hard to let him go … He sits up and she finds his eyes. They’re clearer now, but the shame is coming off of him in waves. Their hands stay tangled and Rey wonders if he’s even aware of it.

 

“What did you dream of?”

 

He sighs heavily. “You. Always you.”

 

She tries to keep the hurt from her eyes, but she doesn’t know how to feel that dreams of her brought him to this state.

 

He sees it, of course he sees it and alarm races across his face. “No, it’s not like that. It’s … it’s what I did to you. What I let happen to you.” He looks away and breaths out, “What I let happen to myself.”

 

“What … when?” She knows there’s an embarrassment of riches.

 

“Starkiller, the _Supremacy_ , Takodana … it doesn’t really matter. I _hurt_ you, terrified you. I made you cry ... Brought you to a madman knowing, _knowing_ what he could do to you.”

 

“Oh.” There’s not really anything she can say to that. It’s all true.

 

So instead of comforting words, she swipes her thumb along his inner wrist and a pained sound barely escapes him, but he holds her hand tighter.

 

With his other hand, he rakes his fingers through his hair. “I’ve dreamt it almost every night since you left me.”

 

A flare of anger wells in her chest. She had no choice! But she quickly pushes it down. He’s in no shape to bear her rage.

 

“Is that how you see it? That I left you?”

 

His face shifts into a deeply perplexed expression. “You did. Like everyone.”

 

It’s Rey’s turn to make a humorless laugh. “Just like you rejected me. Like my parents. They chose booze. You chose the dark side … power.”

 

His eyes take on a new sadness. “Is that what you think? Is that why you left me?”

 

“Please stop saying that!” she bursts out and he tries to pull his hand away but she won’t let him. “No, don’t pull away. We have to talk about this. We should have talked about it then, but there was no time. My friends were _dying_.”

 

For a moment he looks like he’s lost the entire galaxy. “Would you have stayed with me if I’d saved them?”

 

She’s thought about this, so much … “I truly don’t know. Would you have let me go if I hadn’t gone for my lightsaber?”

 

His brows rise. “Your—no … it was yours, I see that now.”

 

“But would you have let me leave?”

 

His face falls in on itself and he’s quiet for a long time.

 

“Ben?”

 

The strangest expression crosses his face, joy and pain. Finally, he says lowly, “No.”

 

Her heart sinks to her stomach. “You see why I had to leave.”

 

Genuine fire burns in his eyes and his despondency is burned away. “No! No I don’t. After everything, we were meant to be together! And you just left me for dead in that horrible chamber!”

 

“And you killed hundreds of my friends!”

 

Now he does snatch his hand away and she gasps. It physically hurts to be parted from him and her little one tries to comfort her. Rey makes herself calm down. He’s stubbornly looking at the wall.

 

“Ben, we need to talk about this, really talk about this, without getting angry. It’s done, it happened. But it’s like a wound between us and I don’t … I don’t want that.”

 

Eventually he turns back to her. “You hurt me.”

 

His naked honestly strikes at something in her, and all she can do is give her own truth back. “You hurt me, too.”

 

Startling her, he shifts quickly, until he’s in front of her, on his knees. His eyes have a strange hint of fear to them. He takes her hands and their baby flips in happiness.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you ever again. I want to find a way through this. I want … I want _you_.”

 

Rey blinks rapidly. “Not just the baby?” she asks in a small voice.

 

“No, both of you. Always.”

 

\---

 

He’s not sure how he found the courage to tell her. He’d tamped down his own hurt as soon as the wall came up between them yet again. No more. Somehow feeling the growing distance that always comes for them had given him what he needed to be so bold. To speak his heart. Well … most of his heart. He’ll probably never tell her that he loves her.

 

But he’s filled with alarm when her eyes swim with tears.

 

She sounds terribly young when she brokenly says, “But you said I was nothing.”

 

Oh he’s an idiot. An utter idiot. Of course that’s all she would hear. “ _But not to me_. I meant … I meant I _see_ you, I see through how you’d been dismissed your whole life, that you’re everything.”

 

Rey’s eyes go wide and her lips part. A tear escapes and trails down her face. Slowly, hesitantly, he reaches up and whisks it away with his trembling fingers. She leans into his touch and it gives him such tremulous hope.

 

“You … you want me?”

 

“I do.”

 

“But … everything that happened … I don’t know how to just let that go. So many people died …”

 

His eyes close briefly. He doesn’t really know how to handle his past himself, but he won’t give up this chance. “I know. And I will give you all the time you need. I will answer any question you have.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes. I promise. I want … I want to be your family, Rey, and I’ll do whatever it takes.”

 

A choked sob escapes her and before he knows it he has an armful of Rey and if she never lets him hold her again this might just be enough. She’s choosing to be in his arms and his heart is so full of her. Her scent envelopes him and he holds her so tightly.

 

Their daughter’s joy bubbles through them both and they all twine together in the Force.

 

He sighs out and something tight and old unfurls within him, bleeding away.

 

His twin stars, right here.

 

His family.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare who read this at, no joke, 5 AM. That's dedication, folks.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who kicked my butt when I was feeling mopey, informing me writing was my job now and I hadn't accrued any vacation time. He always knows how to be soft when I need soft, and hard when I need hard.
> 
> Thank you readers! I know I haven't been able to respond to many comments, I hope you'll forgive me if I keep cranking out chapters. You are all simply sublime and make writing such a joy. 
> 
> I'm planning to host a cocktail hour for Reylos at Star Wars Celebration on that Saturday so do keep that in mind if you're attending. I'll make sure to share details as the date grows closer.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy and Not-So-Mad Mama decide to be friends who hold hands.

Rey stays pressed close to him for a long time and their daughter keeps sending out waves of contentment. Ben thinks his child might be as happy as he is to finally have her here, here because she wants to be. Here with his arms around her, holding her close. Crouching in front of her, she’s joined him on the floor and her head is tucked under his chin.

 

He trails his fingers through her hair; it’s so satisfying to feel her silken strands slide through his fingers. Having her choose to be in his arms, seek his touch, it’s everything he’s been pining for. The fact that she’s burrowed as close as she can makes his heart swell and, gods, he loves her so much.

 

Dropping his lips to the top of her head, he breathes her in, never wanting to inhale anything else ever again. He wants to stay frozen in this moment where both of his loves are safe in his arms. He gently kisses her crown and feels her relax more fully into his arms. Oh, what he would give to taste her lips.

 

But, it must inevitably end and she starts to pull away, moving back to his bed. He lets her go, but it’s not easy. He takes her hand instead, pressing this opportunity as far as he dares. She doesn’t put very much distance between them, and then she truly surprises him by shyly patting the space next to her.

 

“Sit with me?” Her voice is unsure and it makes him want to tell her he will always give her whatever she wants. The fact that she wants him to sit with her makes it a gift.

 

He feels like an eager teenager and he’s sure the grin he’s wearing is ridiculous, but he’s told her, asked her really, to be his and she seems to want to keep touching him, being close with him. His brain can’t really process it, it seems too wonderful to possibly be true. This is not how his life goes.

 

Standing from his crouched position, he sits next to her, his breath hitching as she presses her thigh against his. She shifts so that their fingers lace together and the feeling of her palm flush against his is strangely intimate. If all she ever lets him do is hold her hand, he thinks he’ll be the happiest man in the galaxy.

 

Touching Rey is unlike anything else he’s experienced. It’s as if everything he feels for her is simmering just under the surface of his skin, connecting with her, streaming between them. It almost tingles and her soft skin feels like heaven.

 

He can’t stop looking at their tangled hands, the way his much larger one engulfs hers, like he engulfs her when she’s in his arms. He’s tempted to try to hold her again, but he doesn’t want to rush her. There’s a tentativeness to her; it’s clear she doesn’t quite understand what he had asked her, what he’d admitted.

 

“So …” she says hesitantly.

 

“So,” he answers.

 

“Uhm … what now?”

 

“Whatever you want Rey. I meant it when I said I’d do whatever I had to.” _Just let me love you._

 

Her expression grows cautious and her eyes seem to be trying to ask him a question without words. He could use the Force, but until she can shield herself, that would be an egregious breach of her privacy. But the temptation is strong.

 

“What is it?” he asks.

 

She starts to blush slightly and it makes his heart swell with affection. He already thinks she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, but her expression is so endearing he finds her only growing lovelier in his eyes.

 

Biting her bottom lip she stutters out, “Y-you left the First Order.”

 

“I did.”

 

“But … why?”

 

He blinks at her in confusion. How could she possibly not understand? “You … you’re carrying my—our—child. I had to leave, even without the … misunderstanding between us, I knew you’d never come to me. If I wanted to be part of your life, her life … it was the only way.” He tries to keep the bitterness out of his tone, but he’s not sure that he’s successful. It still hurts that she thought he could do that, that she’d left him after he’d offered her everything he had to give.

 

Her eyes flit about furtively. “I … I mean … but … no, no, never mind.” Her expression closes and his brow furrows.

 

“Please, please ask me what you want to know. I’ll tell you anything.” He wishes he knew how to make her feel safe with him and it occurs to him that perhaps she never feels safe with anyone. Why would she? She’s likely never _been_ truly safe, not with her harsh life on Jakku.

 

She almost grimaces. “I just wondered … did you … did you come for me, or just the baby?” Her voice is so quiet and he finally sees. She doesn’t understand being cared for. He has to fight past the tightness in his throat at this realization. Silently, he vows that he will fix this. She will never doubt that she is precious, never again.

 

Tentatively, he cups her face with his free hand. “Rey … I came for _you_. Yes, I came for both of you, but at first … you, it’s _always_ been about you.” Until the baby had reached out for him the fact of the child had been abstract.

 

The quiet hope he sees in her eyes nearly undoes him, makes him admit his deepest feelings, show her how loved she is, but this is all very new and he doesn’t want to frighten her away.

 

 “And … now that you’ve left … do you regret it?” The naked insecurity in her eyes _hurts_.

 

“No,” he says quickly. “Not for a moment.”

 

“Do you still agree with their principles?” she asks carefully.

 

He goes still, not even beginning to know how to answer that question. He hasn’t thought about it, he’s only thought about Rey and their daughter. To be with her, to raise his child, he’d dropped everything. His vision for the galaxy blew away like stardust once something so real as a family with Rey became true.

 

He’d imagined their future so many ways since Crait, daydreaming about her before remembering her betrayal. Only he doesn't feel like she betrayed him any longer. Her actions have begun to make sense and he wishes he’d just saved those Resistance ships, bought them more time to talk.

 

But she’s still waiting for an answer. Does he agree with the First Order? “I … honestly don’t know. I joined for reasons other than faith in the cause but I came to agree with them.”

 

A mild look of revulsion rolls across her features and he feels her start to pull away then think better of it. “I don’t understand that. They just subjugate people, kill, hurt, maim … torture.” Her eyes ghost with memory and he knows what she’s thinking about.

 

She’d come to him, her eyes gleaming with hope and he’d had her put in binders and taken her to Snoke. _Those_ dreams, Rey suspended above him, those are the worst. Having to hear Rey scream in agony, knowing precisely what was happening to her, knowing how the Force would scrape along the nerve endings, flay the synapses ... He’s never been more disgusted with himself than he had been kneeling as Snoke stripped everything away from her.

 

Her screams, gods, her screams!

 

Snoke had always taken a particular delight in pain, his especially. He understands now that hurting Rey gave him twice the enjoyment and victims. That she’d been able to fight a few moments after withstanding _that_ was nothing short of miraculous. Anyone else would have been a cowering shell after Snoke’s _ministrations_.

 

Maker, he’s _repulsive_ , bringing this sublime creature to Snoke … His sins are great, but dutifully handing Rey to that sadistic monster will haunt him for the rest of his days.

 

“I never should have brought you to him.” His tone is thick with shame.

 

Her endless eyes pull him in. “Did you … did you know what he would do to me?” Her lips tremble and he feels like the worst kind of villain.

 

“No … but I knew it was a possibility,” he answers honestly. He’d _thought_ Snoke would let him train her, oh how wrong he’d been.

 

“Oh.” She tries to unlace their fingers but he holds her fast.

 

“No, please. Please don’t. I know … I know it was unforgivable but I was so lost, so blind. You woke me up, slowly at first, but seeing him hurt you … it made killing him the easiest decision I’ve ever made.”

 

Her hand relaxes in his. “You really killed him to save me?”

 

“I did. I only wish I’d done it sooner to save you from that pain. I _am_ sorry, though I know that’’s entirely inadequate. If it helps, that’s what I was dreaming when you found me. He had you and I couldn’t make him stop, I couldn’t do anything but watch as he tortured you. Sometimes in the dream he keeps going until you're dead. Those … those are the worst …” he says hollowly.

 

“Ben … knowing you have nightmares doesn’t help. I don’t want you to suffer.”

 

“I _should_ suffer,” he says, his tone bitter and laced with disgust.

 

Her expression grows sad and compassionate. “No, Ben … no. I think … I think you have to look forward, not back.”

 

“Can you do that, with me? Move forward, build something, together?”

 

She’s skittish again, almost like an orphaned Loth-kitten. “What … what kind of something?”

 

His heart screams, “Marriage, more babies, everything,” but his mind manages to keep him from blurting that out. “I want … I want us to be a family. But, what that looks like … I’ll follow your lead, whatever you want …. or don’t.”

 

She nods slightly, a far away look in her eyes. “I … I know I want our baby to have both of us, and I don’t want her to see us fight. But … I’m scared too. I don’t really know you.”

 

“Oh, but you do. I think you know me better than anyone.”

 

Her eyes widen and she looks almost afraid. “I’d still … I’d still like to go slow, maybe … friends?”

 

The word feels like ice water and he swallows down his disappointment. He’d hoped she would … well, it doesn’t matter. “Friends ..:”

 

“You know, spend time together, get to know each other.” She smiles encouragingly.

 

He asks hopefully, “And hold hands?”

 

Her smile widens. “Yes, we can be friends who hold hands.”

 

She’s given him permission to touch her beyond just this strange, vital conversation. Time to test his idea that holding her hand would be enough.

 

\---

 

She goes to the galley in search of something that will agree with her stomach. Though hungry, nothing sounds even vaguely appetizing. At first Ben had offered her crackers. Why he had them she has no idea, but they were a flavor she doesn't care for.

 

Then he’d wanted to get food for her, but she’d actually needed a moment to think about everything he’d said. He … he’d admitted to wanting her, wanting to build a family together. That must mean he cares for her. Doesn’t it?

 

But she has to be on her guard. Nothing is more tantalizing than a family of her own and she doesn’t want to blind herself to everything she knows about him just because he’s offering her all she’s ever truly wanted.

 

So now she’s poking through drawers hoping for something mild and starchy. She’d like to find some quick bread, but isn’t too optimistic.

 

“Ah ha!” she crows as she finds a packet of Quolian tubers. She pops it in the heating unit and leans against the counter, waiting for the mashed vegetables to heat.

 

Looking around the space, she remembers the two weeks they’d had to make do in the _Falcon_ , everyone tripping over each other. Thank the Maker Leia knows people and they found Shenden so quickly. Chewie had been about to launch himself in one of the escape pods.

 

She knows she’s avoiding thinking about the monumental conversation with Ben. She hadn’t been able to express that she wants him too, because she doesn't know if taking another step towards Ben Solo is safe. He’s been so sincere, she knows she can trust him, but taking that step, actually handing him her heart … besides, it’s not like he’d said he loves her.

 

Love. She’s not been able to think about that word and Ben because she fears and hopes that that is the feeling that bubbles in her chest. That that is the feeling that’s driven her to make some seriously questionable choices.

 

He’d looked so hopeful and boyish when he’d asked if he could hold her hand if they were friends. It had made her insides flip and honestly, she really likes touching him. Maybe she should amend it to friends who cuddle? Being in his arms is incredibly calming and it makes their daughter very happy.

 

She sees a chrono in the corner and does a double-take. That doesn’t make any sense. They should be on Corellia by now. Is the time wrong? She sets off to the cockpit, leaving her food heating.

 

\---

 

“Hi Chewie.” Her eyes dart to the time and sees that it really is late.

 

<Little One,> he acknowledges.

 

“Uhm, shouldn’t we be on Corellia by now?”

 

<Short freight run to Cathne, tomorrow,> he howls.

 

Rey’s eyes open and close rapidly. She doesn’t know how to feel about this. Did Leia know about this detour before she assigned her to the _Falcon_? Had Ben been assigned here too?

 

“Do you know if Ben was assigned this as his transport?”

 

Chewie looks at her with an unreadable expression. <Wouldn’t let him leave his mate and pup. Princess knows.>

 

Her eyes widen and she sputters. “I’m not his mate!”

 

<Stupid Boy said same. Blind humans.>

 

Rey frowns. He’d corrected Chewie’s assumption? But he’d just said he wants to be a family. Her instinct is to hide away, take the confirmation that she’s unwanted, assume he didn’t mean what he’d said, but something inside her is flickering now, trying to grow into a flame.

 

Perhaps he did it _for_ her. She can get a bit … testy when people make assumptions about her. She decides not to let this feel like a rejection. Because it’s true. They aren’t mates. That’s not even what they’d be anyway. They’d be … no, not going to think about that.

 

On her way back to the galley she realizes she’ll have this extra time with Ben all to herself and she smiles. Maybe … she decides she’s going to try and be better about letting him in.

 

Sitting down with her food, she knows she’d asked for space, but instead … instead she finds she … well she misses him and she covers her food and sets off to find him.

 

The baby sends out bursts of bright happiness.

 

_Mama … Papa ..._

 

\---

 

Ben stares up at the ceiling of his old room, the little berth next to the Captain’s quarters. There’s still evidence of this having been his space, his name scratched above the pillow, old treasures still displayed. It looks as if his father hadn’t touched it in years and what that means settles heavily in his chest.

 

He doesn’t really want to stay in here, but Rey asked for some time and he won’t disrespect her wishes by taking the chance he’d run into her and he certainly can’t go to the cockpit. He’s lucky his arms are still attached to his body as it is.

 

Maybe something’s wrong with the _Falcon_ , reducing their speed. There’s _always_ something wrong with the _Falcon_.

 

Wait … he traces his finger under the mattress until he finds them. Grinning, he pulls out one of his old books. When he was a boy he was fascinated by printed books and a warm feeling of nostalgia moves through him as he holds one of his favorites.

 

He adjusts his pillow to prop up his head and he opens the book, ready to revisit the story of a Sith Lord who fell in love with a Jedi Master.

 

\---

 

The knock at his door pulls him from his reading; he has no idea how much time has passed. It had been like revisiting old friends without all the pain and he’s already a third of the way through the book.

 

It has to be Rey, there’s no way that Chewie would come looking for him. Is something wrong? He stands swiftly, a bit unsteady on his feet after curling himself into the cramped bunk. He rips the door open with a touch too much force, panic beginning to curl in his belly.

 

But she’s standing calmly outside his door, looking nervous but also toying with her hair.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hello, Rey.”

 

“Are you, uhm, are you hungry?” she asks shyly. It’s beguiling and he just wants to tell her she’s always welcome, but something holds his tongue.

 

Her question makes him realize that he _is_ hungry and he nods, her bashful behavior infecting him.

 

“Would you like to come eat with me?”

 

She holds out her hand and he sighs as their fingers tangle together. “There’s nothing I want more,” he tells her honestly.

 

They walk to the galley hand-in-hand.

 

\---

 

“Wait, so _Finn_ gave you the crackers?”

 

“He said pregnant women like them,” he grumbles, slightly embarrassed.

 

Rey leans back and lets out an enormous guffaw. “Oh, Finn,” she says fondly.

 

Feeling defensive, he says, “To be fair to Finn, he _did_ ask Dr. Kalonia.”

 

Her head cocks and she asks, “Wait, did you and Finn actually talk?”

 

Inclining his head once he admits, “We did. He came to check on you while you slept.”

 

Her spine straightens and her eyes widen. “The X-Wings! I never-”

 

“I did. It’s fine. All five were finished in time and likely on Corellia by now. Why i _s_ it taking so long anyway?”

 

“Oh, Chewie has a freight delivery. We’re supposed to arrive tomorrow.” She smiles and strokes the back of his hand, making him shiver. She keeps finding excuses to touch him and, Maker, he _likes_ it. “Thank you for finishing my work.”

 

“ _Our_ work,” he says meaningfully.

 

She holds his eyes for a moment and nods. “Yes. Ours.”

 

They’d finished eating long ago and are now simply sitting next to each other. She shifts slightly closer, making him breathe in sharply. Having her so near is making him excruciatingly aware of his desire for her.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Hmmm?” he manages, hoping he won’t make a fool of himself. Talking with her so easily has just made him more enraptured.

 

She’s looking up at him and the low light makes her eyes deep and dark and oh so inviting.

 

“How did I get here, on the _Falcon_? The last thing I remember is working on that engine.”

 

“Ah. That. Well … I carried you after you fell asleep,” he offers, concerned she’ll accuse him of taking liberties. Her eyes suddenly fill with disappointment? He’s not sure. “I’m sorry if I overstepped.” He ducks his head, feeling stupid.

 

But then her hand trails up his forearm and she murmurs, “No, I was just sad I missed it. I like being in your arms.”

 

His gaze goes swiftly to hers. Her eyes are open and honest and he realizes she’s not teasing him. “You do?” he asks with a slight break in his voice.

 

She nods hesitantly. _Gods, please don’t be wrong, please don’t be wrong_. He slowly opens his arms to her and, oh, the way she flows into his embrace heals something so deep inside.

 

He holds her close, his lips pressed against her temple.

 

“Rey …”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who had a really awful day but still made time for reading my random scribblings. 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who has been the most adorable mother hen today because I took a tumble last night. I actually got in trouble for taking my dish to the sink because he said, "I could have done that for you!" I'm fine, just a bit banged up and Mr. Downing is seriously side-eyeing the stairs. They better watch out, he might go Kylo Ren on them.
> 
> Thank you readers! I just cannot properly express how much fun this whole ride is with you. Everyone's enthusiastic participation in the comments has been so rewarding. Love and cuddles!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Suitor the Second is just so not getting it and Grateful Grandma is growing concerned. Not-At-All Mad Mama and Desperate Daddy continue to roll around in the fluff and insecurity. Uncle Over It throws Desperate Daddy a bone.

“General Organa, we can’t find Rey anywhere. And Kylo Ren never checked in after we landed,” Finn says in a worried tone. Poe is with him, his arms crossed and visibly vibrating with tension.

 

Leia sighs deeply, putting down her datapad. The new base is an old mine, running under Coronet City. The entrance is near the outskirts, but they should be able to create a few alternate routes and blend with the population if they need to escape quickly. It has its own port for shipping the minerals that opens into a small hangar, also underground. Her son and Poe really did pick well. She ignores how much it hurts being here, knowing Han’s history on this planet.

 

“Rey and _Ben_ will be arriving later,” she explains, a touch sharply.

 

“What?!” Poe explodes. “They’re _together_?”

 

Leia turns to her increasingly difficult second-in-command. “Commander Dameron, they’re on the _Millennium Falcon_ with Chewbacca. Nothing will happen to her.”

 

“But, she’s practically alone with that monster!”

 

“Enough! That monster is my _son_ and you need to deal with whatever this is on your own time!” Leia snaps.

 

Finn puts his hand on Poe’s arm and gently starts to pull at him. “She’ll be fine. Chewie would never let anything happen to her. You _know_ that,” Finn says rather forcefully.

 

“This is banthashit,” Poe swears.

 

“Commander, I have tried to be patient, but this _infatuation_ you have with Rey must stop. My son is not about to hurt her, she’s pregnant with _his_ daughter for Maker’s sake!”

 

“A girl?” Poe asks, his face softening. “Rey’s having a girl?”

 

The wistful, covetous expression on Poe’s face causes apprehension to trickle down Leia’s spine.

 

Finn looks deeply concerned and says, “Yeah, Rey and … Ben are having a daughter.”

 

Poe flinches but nods and finally allows Finn to lead him a way.

 

Dameron is getting to be a problem and Leia frowns slightly. She types out a message to the _Falcon_.

 

_No need to rush to Corellia_

 

_-Princess_

 

\---

 

She tries so hard to hide how tired she is. Rey doesn’t want her time with him to end. What if tomorrow it was all a dream? What if they can’t make their way back to this place where he has his arm wrapped around her and their fingers are dancing together.

 

Every time he touches her, a delicious thrill runs through her and she _likes_ it. He makes her body feel alive in a way she’s never experienced. It’s like if joy was a physical sensation and she feels a bit like she’s floating.

 

But he catches her swallowing another yawn and he sighs. “Rey, you need to go to bed.”

 

“I’m not tired,” she says stubbornly.

 

The affection in his smile makes her belly warm and he strokes her cheek, pulling her just a little closer. “Yes you are. You need sleep, sweetheart.”

 

Their eyes fly to each other’s, both realizing what he’d just called her. He starts to stammer, “I-I didn’t mean to … the last thing I want …” His eyes are full of fear and he finally settles on, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

She looks up at him through her lashes and says, “You didn’t.”

 

His whole body seems to breathe out in relief. “So it was alright that I called you that?”

 

“Yes … I liked it.”

 

“Really?” he asks with that adorable shyness that makes her heart squeeze.

 

She nods. “Mmmhmm.”

 

“Well … good. Let’s get you to bed ... sweetheart.” There’s so much in his eyes that she knows she doesn’t understand. But she does think that he cares for her. Truly cares for her.

 

As he walks her to her room, she realizes he’s the first person to promise to care for her.  Always.

 

\---

 

Gods, he doesn’t know how he’s going to do this, walk this line when all he wants to do is kiss her.

 

Leaving her door had been a true test of his will. Her eyes had been so soft and innocent as she’d said goodnight. Her door had closed gently and he’d stood outside for far longer than he should have, his hand flat against the durasteel. His berth is just next door, but the distance feels like an ocean right now.

 

He’d thrown himself on his bunk as soon as he’d returned to his childhood space. The model ships and toys had mocked him, making him feel a queer sort of shame.

 

He doesn’t have any more practical experience than she has, but he’s been traveling the galaxy since before he had memory. He knows what comes next and he’s not entirely certain that she does. Has she even touched herself?

 

Oh, that wasn’t a good train of thought. At all. Now all he can imagine is her face flush, head thrown back, crying out as she pleasures herself. Not helpful for the situation in his trousers.

 

Because once she’d started stroking his palm slowly, he’d accepted he was going to be hard for the rest of the evening. Each glide of her fingers had gone straight to his cock and gods, he aches for her.

 

But the need had been worth it to touch her like that, to know that he can hold her. It’s so much more than he ever thought she’d give him. The rest … well he doesn’t dare let her see what she does to him. She’d likely run screaming from the room.

 

He thinks about how he’d learned about the … particulars. Having Han Solo as a father made that impossible to avoid. Gods, that had been an embarrassing evening.  He’d picked him up from Luke’s academy, an extremely rare father-son excursion on his seventeenth birthday.

 

As they’d flown the Falcon together, his father had asked him the most humiliating questions, making sure Ben understood what went where.

 

“And remember kid, it ain’t over until ya both get dessert, if you get my meaning.”

 

He was so relieved when they arrived on Quol, but then he thought he’d die of shame when his father had taken him to a Pleasure Bar. The writhing bodies, so much skin on display. A stale smell of alcohol and spice. It had offended his nose _and_ his sensibilities.

 

Cringing, he remembers his father getting him a drink and slapping his back. “Your mother’d kill me if I got you a back room, but a lap dance … well that’s between us.” He’d winked and Ben had started to get an inkling of what his father intended.

 

He’d been completely horrified when he’d realized his father planned to have one of these women _touch_ him as he’d started pointing out options. He’d shaken his head hard, saying it was fine, he was happy to watch—though that was a lie.

 

His father had peered at him and asked, “Ya want that boy over there instead?”

 

“No, I just … I don’t … I’d just rather not.” His eyes had finally noticed the other patrons, watching how the employees pantomimed lust, truly terrified that he’d have to endure this.

 

But his father had genuinely surprised him. He’d nodded and got a strange look in his eyes. “Yeah, okay. You want someone special. I get it. Come on kid, time to learn how to really play sabacc.”

 

And just like that his father had whisked him from the Pleasure Bar and they’d had a ridiculous night of lost credits and way too much whiskey. It’s one of his best and worst memories.

 

But … what does Rey know? Obviously, she knows how babies come to be, she wouldn’t have accused him of such a heinous act if she didn’t. But does she know … does she know about the pleasure?

 

Now he’s blushing furiously, just the thought of trying to ask her making him deeply uncomfortable. He can’t … no, he can’t talk to her about this.

 

Yet, if he doesn’t … what if he frightens her? Then he realizes what he’s thinking, how far ahead he’s allowed himself to imagine. He hasn’t even kissed her!

 

He shucks his clothes and gets into bed in just his underthings, glaring down at his erection.

 

\---

 

Rey _had_ been tired, but something about the heat in Ben’s eyes as he’d said goodnight has her tossing and turning. She’d wondered if he’d kiss her, but she doesn’t think he will without her permission and she’s only really said it’s alright to hold hands and cuddle. Anyway, she wants to be friends. First at least. Doesn’t she?

 

There’s too much to talk about, to understand. She can’t just let herself fall into this carnal trap, not with him. It doesn’t matter that she’s laying here feeling strangely empty. These feelings are new, but the sensations aren’t. When she’d first started to bleed she would have these strange dreams with faceless bodies moving against hers and would wake as startling pleasure rioted through her.

 

This … unfulfilled need feels like when she’d wake too soon. She knows it has to do with joining with a man, and has even tried to mimic what it might feel like with her fingers. But she’d never been able to replicate the sensations so she’d given up. The dreams eventually stopped.

 

A cold thought goes through her. Ben … Ben probably has a great deal of experience in that department. He’s ten years older than she is and, well, look at him! He’d been a powerful man, powerful men always have women. The thought feels ugly and her heart feels bereft at the thought of him touching someone else. Someone prettier, with curves the way men seem to like. _Not_ like her.

 

She cups her small breast and feels so inadequate. He’s probably been with some of the most beautiful women in the galaxy. Why would he bother with her? He said he wanted her, but she thinks he means as a companion. He’s never said he wants her like _that_. And really, how could he? Soon she’ll have even lost her slim figure as she swells. No … she must have imagined what she’d seen in his eyes.

 

Feeling small and hollow, she finally falls into a fitful sleep.

 

\---

 

The stutter of the landing gear wakes Ben from a dream-filled sleep. He groans as the images of Rey play behind his eyelids. As he stands he swears. He’d come in his underthings like he had when he was a boy. Feeling young and lost he cringes. He’s so out of his depth and he misses his father like air.

 

\---

 

Cautiously, Ben pokes his head into the cockpit. “Uhm, Chewie?”

 

<What, Stupid Boy.> The wookiee doesn’t even turn around.

 

Ben sighs. Growing up he’d been called Little Friend, just as his father had been called Friend. Apparently he’s been downgraded rather significantly. But he understands. He deserves it. “I just … where are we? I wanted … I wanted to find breakfast for Rey.” She shouldn’t have to eat ship rations if he can find her something fresh.

 

Now Chewie does turn slowly, holding his eyes.

 

<Cathne. Good market,> he growls shortly then returns his attention to the ship.

 

Oh this is perfect. Cathne has a street market right off of the space port. He’s sure to find something she’ll enjoy there.

 

He’s almost out of earshot when he hears, <Little One likes fruit. Sweet things.>

 

Ben wants to thank him, but is certain Chewie wouldn’t appreciate it.

 

\---

 

He wanders the market. He’s already found Lylanberries and a mild Whilk milk cheese he thinks will go nicely with the tart fruit. Now he’s keeping an eye out for bread. There, there’s a stall. It’s bursting with loaves of all manner of choices and he selects a hardy bread full of nuts and other nutritious ingredients. Finn saying she’d been frequently sick has been weighing on him heavily and he’s worried about making sure she eats enough.

 

Then, under a glass cover he sees a truly decadent looking air cake that he knows he simply must get for her. She’s likely never had it before and he hopes she’ll like it.

 

\---

 

As he wanders he starts to notice all the lovely fabrics and pieces of jewelry and he’s struck with the idea of getting her something. Of course his mind, which always has him ten parsecs ahead, immediately thinks of a ring, but even he knows that’s a ludicrous thought. Well … right now it is.

 

But he’d like … he’d like to show her that she’s dear to him, give her something small to show his love, even if he can’t speak it. Shifting his many parcels of food, he starts his search.

 

At first he’s quite taken with the flowing, colorful dresses but then he thinks better of it. He’s never seen her in anything but practical clothing and where would she wear it, really?

 

Then there’s a delicate necklace, but … it seems forward to get her a piece of jewelry and he won’t take the chance of pushing her away by being too eager.

 

He walks on.

 

\---

 

There. That’s it, that’s perfect! He hurries over to the stand full of flowers and ferns, going straight to the deep red blooms. Something about their brilliant fire makes him think immediately of Rey. They’re streaked with a bright orange and he selects a large bouquet.

 

Satisfied, he heads back to the Falcon, his arms laden with treats for his love.

 

\---

 

Waking slowly, she stretches. Though she’d had difficulty falling to sleep, once she’d found rest, she’d stayed sleeping all night. She checks the time and sits up quickly. It’s much later than she usually sleeps, but then again, she’d stayed up quite late talking with Ben.

 

She smiles, remembering how it had felt to nestle against his side and she jumps from bed, eager to see him again. Dressing quickly and tying back her hair, she briskly leaves her room. Her daughter curls out a seeking tendril and Rey whispers, “Hello, sweet girl. Let’s go find Papa!”

 

_Papa!_

 

Rey shares her child’s excitement.

 

\---

 

She finds him back in the galley and blinks. He’s covered the table with a cloth and there’s so much food! She only recognizes some of it and she watches him fuss until he senses her, turning to her with a wide smile.

 

“Good morning, how did you sleep?”

 

Her smile falters as she remembers her fears from last night, but she pushes the insecurity away. “Well, I slept well. What’s this?” she asks as she approaches the table.

 

He rubs the back of his neck and says, “I … I wanted you to have something fresh for breakfast, so I went out before you woke up. There’s … well, let me show you.

 

\---

 

She thanks all the gods that today has been a good day. If his offerings had sent her to the ‘fresher she would have never been able to face him. Gloriously full, she smiles. The meal had been some of the best food she’d ever tasted and she’d made sure to tell him that over and over. The small smile he’d made and the way he’d ducked his head had been adorable.

 

Truthfully, she’s a little overwhelmed. No one has ever put so much effort into her, not even close. Sometimes another scavenger would share a portion if she was having a particularly hard week, and there was the time a woman from the village had given her a chest of old clothes. But no one had ever done _anything_ like this.

 

“Thank you Ben, this was … this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

 

He reaches over and takes her hand. “I intend for you to get used to it.”

 

Her eyes widen. “Oh, no, you can’t do this again!”

 

“I beg to differ. I can and I will.”

 

The thought of him making a habit of this makes her feel both incredibly special and very nervous. How could she ever repay him? She’s already thinking of something to try and make this up to him and she starts to realize just how many credits he must have spent.

 

She can’t meet his eyes and her shoulders hunch.

 

“Rey?” he asks, concern lacing through his tone.

 

For a moment she holds his eyes but then she’s staring at the table.

 

“Did I do something wrong?”

 

Now she does look up properly. “No! No … I just … it’s just so much.”

 

“Sweetheart, it’s nothing to what you mean to me.” He reaches out and takes her hand in his. Holding her eyes, he brings her knuckles to his lips and kisses them gently. It sends a rush of pleasure shooting through her body and her breath hitches. She likes how special it makes her feel when he calls her that.

 

“Now, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I got you something.”

 

She cocks her head. “But you already got me all this.” She gestures at the remains of breakfast.

 

“Ah, but this is something you can’t eat.”

 

That feeling of indebtedness bubbles up again but she tries to ignore it. Ben seems genuinely happy to have done this for her and she won’t take that from him. He kisses her hand one more time and says, “I’ll be right back.”

 

\---

 

Once back in his little room, he gathers up the flowers and takes a deep breath. He glances at the air cake he saved for after dinner. She’d had odd moments of reservation over breakfast, sometimes seeming nearly gleeful but then she’d get a faraway look in her eyes. But he’s sure she’ll like her present. Well, he hopes.

 

He just wants to get this right, he has to get this right.

 

\---

 

“Close your eyes,” he calls before he enters the galley.

 

“What, why?”

 

“So you can’t see your surprise! Please?”

 

“Alright. Uhm, they’re closed.”

 

He walks to the table and sets to flowers in front of her and takes just a moment to look at her unguardedly, with all of his love written in his eyes.

 

“You can open them.”

 

She looks down on the bright spray of flowers and blinks but she doesn’t say anything. Then her eyes dart back and forth between him and the splashes of red and orange.

 

“I …” she begins, but then she covers her mouth to stifle a sob. Oh, oh no … what did he do wrong? He stands frozen, disappointment swirling in his stomach.

 

Her head starts to shake back and forth. “I’m sorry, they’re beautiful, I just … how did you know?”

 

“Know what?” he asks cautiously. He’s terribly confused and angry at himself for making her cry—even though he doesn’t know what caused her tears.

 

“I … these grow on Jakku, but only once every ten years. I … when I was 11 I found one. I dug it up and kept it alive for one rotation, but it died. I dried it … I still have it. I did, at least. It’s the only beautiful thing I ever had.”

 

How much more deprivation will she reveal? He can so easily see a child Rey, tending her treasure and if he didn’t already want to give her everything, this would ensure it.

 

Standing up quickly she pulls him into a tight hug. “Thank you,” she says fiercely into his chest.

 

He folds her close and nuzzles into her hair. “You … you really like them?”

 

“I love them, Ben. Truly.”

 

“Good, good.” He’s choking on everything he wants to say, but he knows he can’t. Not yet. He focuses on how she feels in his arms and it’s enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the ever marvelous ArtemisBare who I think should get mom-of-the-year for wrangling twin toddlers every day. That she makes time for my stories means the world to me.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who when I jokingly called the Throne Room scene Space Murder Prom he said, "Too bad Kylo got the wrong corsage, no lady likes the Dark Side for prom."
> 
> Thank you so much for spoiling me with amazing comments. It really does encourage me to keep with posting regularly and I read each and every one. Y'all are funny as hell. *Big Perry Hug*


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sad Mama has to do some processing while Desperate Daddy goes to Uncle Over It for advice. Then, oh darn, they need parts for the Falcon, how sad that Corellia is further delayed.

After breakfast Rey found something to put her flowers in and took them to her room. She’d needed time to think. Everything these flowers brought up for her had been swirling in her head and she’d felt like she was going to start crying. She doesn’t know what to do with all the memories coming for her.

 

It’s abundantly clear that Ben considers bringing her delicious food and extravagant presents as part of whatever it is they have. But she can’t even begin to process that level of generosity, of investment in _her_. The voice that’s _always_ whispered to her that she’s not enough, that she’s damaged, that her parents sold her because there’s something _wrong_ with her, is telling her she’s a fool to allow herself to enjoy the attention.

 

Rey knows Ben will never abandon their daughter, and she thinks that the same is true for her. But letting him care for her … she doesn’t know how to do that. Letting him in like that, opening herself up to that kind of pain if he did decide she wasn’t good enough. If her parents could, anyone could. Besides, there‘s just so much blood on his hands and though she can feel how deeply he regrets many of his actions, she still doesn’t really know why he followed Snoke, why he killed Han.

 

He’s already in so deep … she doesn’t seem to be able to stop it anyway. And it’s so easy to forget everything when he’s holding her, looking at her like she _matters_. The way he matters to her. Wasn’t that his answer to why her.

 

Not wanting Ben to worry, she’s been hiding away in her room just looking at the flowers, thinking, thinking, _thinking_. She never thought she’d see one again, finding the first one had been so unusual. She’d been told they grow in vast fields a six-day trek to the south of Niima.

 

Until she was around 14 she’d dreamed of making the trip when they’d next bloom, imagining the rolling red expanse glinting in the Jakku sun. By the time she was 15 she knew she could never take that much time from scavenging and she’d let that dream die. All her childish dreams had died one by one, even the belief she had a family that loved her.

 

But here she is, with a giant bouquet of them; there have to be at least 20 of the exuberant blossoms. She buries her nose in the flowers and inhales deeply. They smell just as sweet and heady as she remembers; the fragrance still as luxurious. It’s almost like the silk of one of Leia’s dresses. Now the scent is bringing her back to one of the few times of genuine happiness from her childhood.

 

Coming home after a hard day in the graveyard had become an event; it was almost like having someone waiting for her, her little flower. She’d nursed it as long as she could, keeping it watered, giving it sun. Smiling, she remembers that she’d even named it, calling out, “Hello, Laney,” when she’d return.

 

She’d cried like someone had died when it finally drooped and its leaves shriveled up. So carefully she had laid it in the sun to let it dry and gently placed it in an old pipe. Every time a petal would fall from it, she would leave it as it lay, unwilling to disturb her little flower’s rest.

 

Pulling her knees under her chin and holding on to her legs the tears start to truly fall as she remembers that she’s never been able to keep anyone or anything. Nothing has ever been hers. But her daughter is, and she wants … she thinks she wants Ben to be, too.

 

She holds her abdomen fiercely and whispers, “I will never leave you, ever. And neither will your Papa.”

 

An answering burst of concern and sadness makes her cry harder. She’s already failing as a mother, causing her baby distress because she doesn’t know how to protect her from herself. From all the pain inside her.

 

Pain that keeps bubbling up more and more since she left Jakku. And twice as fast since Ben came. Why can’t she control herself?

 

Sniffling, she pushes it all back down and rubs her belly.

 

“It’s alright, Mama’s fine, Mama’s fine.”

 

Mama’s fine _._

 

\---

 

What did he do _wrong_?

 

Ben paces the main cabin, worrying about Rey. She’d been so sincere in her enjoyment of her gift, but the sadness is spiking off of her wildly and he can’t help but pick up on it when she’s just down the corridor.

 

He just wants to go to her, comfort her, take her pain, make her feel loved and wanted. The idea that a single flower was the only beautiful thing she’d ever owned makes his heart feel like someone is dragging it along broken glass. This burn bright thing should be _surrounded_ by beauty, though nothing could ever be more gorgeous than her soul.

 

The way she’d clung to him after he’d given her the blooms had been so real, like she has been learning to turn to him in both joy and sadness. But then she’d seemed to almost flee to her room.

 

A wave of profound failure nearly knocks him from his feet. He can’t … he can’t let her suffer alone any longer but he doesn’t want to pressure her with his insistent company. He might want to spend every single moment he can with her, but he has no idea what _she_ wants. She hasn’t said. Additionally, he may very well be the cause of her being so upset.

 

Out of options, he goes to find Chewie.

 

\---

 

Ben finds him offloading the last of the cargo and the wookiee bares his teeth when he sees him. <What now?>

 

Hunching slightly, Ben’s hands flail with apprehension. He’s not even really sure what he wants from his former uncle, he just needs to help Rey. “Rey … Rey is upset.”

 

<What did you do?> he snarls protectively.

 

“I don’t _know_. I only gave her flowers! She … she said she liked them but now she’s in her room and I think … I think she’s crying.” He can’t tell for sure, but the sadness curling around his heart makes _him_ want to cry so it’s a good guess.

 

Chewie shakes his head. <Stupid Boy. Little One’s life has been hard.>

 

“I know that!” What does that have to do with his gift?

 

<Do you?> Chewie howls.

 

Ben blinks. Of course he knows! He saw inside her mind, he _felt_ her loneliness, her abandonment. He knows better than anyone!

 

Chewie makes a frustrated huff. <Little One doesn’t know how to be loved. Scares her. Makes her see.>

 

Pursing his lips, Ben asks, “See what?”

 

<What was taken from her.> There’s a sadness in Chewie’s growl.

 

“Her parents?”

 

Chewie howls something Ben doesn’t understand then snarls, <Her _life_. >

 

Ben starts to understand. He’d thought he and Rey were the same, both lonely, both left. But they aren’t the same at all. He knows she had to carve a life out for herself every day but he’s only just beginning to comprehend what that actually means, the depth of her deprivation and the breadth of her suffering. Yes, his family hurt him, deeply, but he _was_ loved, cared for, hell, _fed_. What Rey faced is … humbling and makes him quiver with rage and powerlessness.

 

What was an obvious gesture for him—a clear statement of affection—was incomprehensible to her. It probably made her see so starkly everything she’d never had. He hangs his head and shudders out a sigh. He hadn't meant to hurt her.

 

But he’s also not going to stop. He’s going to show her every day that she can trust him, that her life is different now. He’s going to surround her in beauty and bounty and by the gods, he will heal her. Someday, she’ll take it for granted that there’s fresh food whenever she wants it and a gift from him will simply make her smile.

 

Ben looks up and finds Chewie watching him. <Stupid Boy sees.>

 

“I’m beginning to,” Ben responds. “Should I … should I try to talk to her?”

 

A sad shimmer moves through the wookiee’s eyes. <Little One needs to grieve. Let her.>

 

Nodding, Ben turns and begins to walk back towards the main cabin. He doesn’t like Chewie’s answer but it feels right in how it flutters through the Force.

 

He can hear Chewie give out a sad little whine and he understands. It’s how he feels about Rey’s history, too.

 

\---

 

They’re underway to Corellia when Rey finally feels like she can be seen again and she emerges from her room. She needs Ben’s help, she has to be able to shield her daughter. She doesn’t think it’s good for her to be so active yet. In fact, as far as she can tell, this all has to do with the Force and something in her can’t stop worrying about how it affects her, being bathed in so many emotions, both hers and Ben’s.

 

She finds him at the dejarik table, watching the creatures pound each other into dust. He doesn’t seem to be really seeing it though, his mind parsecs away.

 

“Ben?”

 

He looks up swiftly and his eyes soften the way they always do when he looks at her. How long has that been true? At least since she’d first called the saber to her. Has he always … cared?

 

Standing quickly, he strides to her and she’s not quite prepared for him cupping her cheeks with both hands and searching her eyes. Being touched so frequently is both wonderful and unsettling. She wants to wrap her arms around him and find the warmth in his touch, but she wants to keep working on shielding. Maybe later he’ll hold her like he has been, with those delicious circles he rubs into her back.

 

“Are you alright?” he asks with sincere concern.

 

Her eyes narrow. “Why do you ask?” Has he been eavesdropping again?

 

Looking vaguely guilty he drops his hands. She wants to kick herself for her demeanor, already missing his hands on her. He sheepishly admits, “I couldn’t help but feel you … I’m sorry.”

 

Rey sighs and shakes her head. “No, I know you don’t do it on purpose. But that’s why I came looking for you. Could we work on shielding?”

 

“Here? Now?”

 

Shrugging she points out, “It’s not like we have something else to do.”

 

\---

 

He’s not sure this is a good idea. They’re tentatively growing closer, so much closer than he’d imagined. And, oh it is sublime, feeling that he can touch her so freely. He hadn’t thought about it, when he’d seen her exquisite face, he had to go to her, to ensure she was alright. It had all been instinctual and he’s finding that following Rey has made the constant conflict within him fade to a dull ache in the back of his mind, a dark spot hiding in his heart.

 

But … what if she finds out how much he … desires her? Will she be afraid? Repulsed? It’s one thing to hold her, another entirely to twine his naked body with hers, capture those perfect pink lips, finally know the weight of her breasts in his hands … Oh gods, he has to stop thinking about how much he wants her. He’s already half-hard, _again,_ and hopes she won’t notice.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait until we reach Corellia?” That might give him enough time to wrestle himself under control. He almost tells her he has another surprise for tonight, the air cake, but manages to stop himself. It might send her scurrying back to her room. “We could train after dinner.”

 

Pain and shame bloom in her eyes. “I … I’m worried about how it will affect her, my emotions. I need to learn this as soon as possible,” Rey says, her fingers going to her belly.

 

He knows this is what drives her to shield, they’ve spoken before about it. And he understands. He feels horrible for how desperately he’d frightened his twin stars with his nightmare and had taken care to meditate before sleep last night—which also helped him rid himself of his unfortunate erection. His shields had been strong before he’d fallen asleep and though he’d dreamed of Rey, neither of them seemed to have picked up on it. Thank the gods, because he cannot begin to fathom explaining _that_ dream.  

 

So yes, Rey does need to learn this. He’ll just have to be very careful with his thoughts and emotions.

 

“Alright, where would you like to work?”

 

“Uhm, just a second,” she says with a grin as she runs back towards their berths.

 

He takes that moment to re-adjust his trousers and have a stern talk with himself regarding appropriate thoughts about the mother of his child.

 

She rushes back in with a blanket and spreads it out in the middle of the main cabin. “There!” she offers brightly.

 

But her eyes are off and he’s certain she’s putting on an act. This morning clearly impacted her. Though if what Chewie said was true, perhaps it was a step towards healing and _not_ away from him.

 

Without discussing it, they both take their cross-legged position across from each other, their knees only an inch or so apart. He carefully folds away his thoughts. _Too close. Not close enough._

 

“Alright, let’s work on emotions again since that seems to be what’s causing our little girl so much distress.”

 

“Yes, please,” she almost begs. Her eyes are filled with guilt and he realizes this was where that sense of failure came from.

 

“Rey, you know it’s not your fault that she picks up so much from us, don’t you?”

 

Her eyes flash and she snaps, “Well then whose fault is it? I’m her mother, I should be able to protect her!”

 

Furrowing his brow he shakes his head. “Sometimes it’s not anyone’s fault. You’re doing what you can and you have to be more forgiving of yourself. No one is perfect.” Though Rey comes as close as he can imagine.

 

Her lower lip begins to quiver. “I’m so afraid,” she whispers. “I can’t fail, her I _can’t_.” Her voice grows low and desperate.

 

Taking her hands, as he’s finding he does frequently, he squeezes her small palms. “You won’t. Not in any real way. I know that. You don’t have it in you to hurt her like that.”

 

She looks like there’s something she wants to say, but he watches as she swallows it down, only nodding.

 

Realizing she’s not going to say anything more on the subject, Ben lets her hands go, but her fingers linger against his before she pulls them back.

 

“Alright, emotions.”

 

\---

 

She’s improving rapidly. He’s tried to use less potent emotions for this lesson, such as annoyance or contentment instead of anger or adoration. He doesn’t want her to feel the force of _those_ feelings within him.

 

It’s growing warm, though, and her cheeks are flushed. She looks like she might if he kissed her and he swiftly chastises himself for the thought.

 

Then she completely derails his brain when she takes her tunic off, leaving only a thin, sleeveless undershirt. Oh no, there’s no way he can shield how much he wants her with her breasts straining against the skimpy garment.

 

“Do you think something’s wrong with the environmental controls?” he asks with a vaguely strangled voice.

 

She cocks her head, an odd expression on her face. Had she caught him looking? “It’s been having trouble lately, there’s something in the wiring, and sometimes it just goes a little screwy. It usually passes quickly.”

 

“Maybe we should ask Chewie?” Anything but letting her near his lust-addled mind.

 

A thin trickle of sweat beads then falls between her breasts and he almost groans with the need to lick it.

 

“Let’s try again so we can move on to me shielding instead feeling what yours feel like.”

 

“Maybe we could move on to that now? You’ve done very well at getting past me and I think you’re ready.” If she won’t accept that, he’ll have to feign a headache or something equally daft.

 

She smiles her first real smile since this morning and nods enthusiastically. But suddenly the temperature plummets and Ben’s eyes nearly fall out of his head when Rey’s nipples become tight little beacons for his hungry eyes.

 

Luckily, she quickly pulls her outer shirt back on and jumps up. “Okay, that’s new. I’m going to go talk to Chewie.” Then she gets a calculating look on her face. “Why don’t you come with me?”

 

Ben shakes his head. “Chewie doesn’t want to see me. I’ll help with anything of course but …” How can he put into words that he knows his presence _hurts_ the wookiee who was once like family? That talking to Chewie flays open the wound of his father, the wound that never heals?

 

Then they feel the ship shudder as the _Falcon_ drops out of lightspeed. They look at each other in concern, both knowing it’s too soon to be at Corellia.

 

She holds her hand out and he sighs before nodding and letting her pull him to the cockpit.

 

\---

 

All Rey can think about was the way she’d noticed him looking at her breasts. She could tell he was trying not to, but when she got cold so quickly his eyes had bulged out but she’s not sure it means what she thinks. Hopes. She’d like him to want her like that. Fighting that truth is getting exhausting. Yes, they have many things they have to talk about, but she’s tired of admonishing herself in her own head. She wants him to desire her as she realizes she desires him.

 

They find Chewie reprogramming the hyper-drive.

 

<Need parts. Going to Eshara,> he howls in explanation.

 

“Great,” Ben mutters under his breath.

 

“What’s wrong with Eshara?” she asks. She’s never heard of it before and she’s curious about it.

 

“It’s a desert planet,” he says flatly.

 

“Oh,” she says frowning. She wouldn’t choose to live in the sands again, but she finds she’d like to sink her hand into the warmth of the desert. They won’t be there long, she’s sure. “Like Jakku?”

 

“Uh, no. It’s a fairly wealthy system, they produce salinite from the old, dead oceans. It’s not a bad place, all things considered, apart from the sand,” he says testily.

 

She raises a brow. “You don’t like sand?”

 

“No,” he grumbles.

 

“Well, don’t worry, I’ll protect you,” she teases.

 

“Oh you will, will you?” he asks, an amused expression on his face and a light in his eyes that makes her squirm. His eyes darken as he looks at her and her breath is caught in her throat.

 

Chewie makes an angry howl.

 

“You’re right, we’ll go back to the main cabin,” Rey says, smiling at Ben.

 

As they’re leaving, Chewie stops Ben with one gruff paw. Something she doesn’t understand passes between them and the wookiee growls, <Boy maybe not so stupid.>

 

Ben says, “I’m trying at least.”

 

<Keep trying.>

 

As they return to their training, Rey stops him. “What was that all about?”

 

“Chewie helped me earlier. To understand,” he says cryptically.

 

“Understand what?”

 

His hand moves slowly to her face and his eyes are full of softness and sadness. “You, sweetheart. I’m trying to understand _you_.”

 

Rey frowns. “I’m not that complicated.”

 

She tries not to be offended as he laughs all the way back to their makeshift training space.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you fantastic ArtemisBare, who continues to make me describe things, despite my best attempts to thwart her.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who took me to see A New Hope with the Louisiana Philharmonic last night. It was so, so fun. The energy of the crowd was amazing and the orchestra did a fantastic job. Really invigorating. Full points to Mr. Downing.
> 
> Thank you readers! You are all so wonderful to me and I can never thank you enough. I unexpectedly need to be out of town from next Wednesday through Monday, so there will only be one more chapter tomorrow for this week. I'll be back next Tuesday. It seems that I'm writing Powerless on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays and Unbidden on Thursdays and Fridays, so when I return from traveling that's the likely schedule I'll settle into. Love you all!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tingly Mama and Desperate Daddy grow closer and the poor man is about to faint from not having enough blood in his brain.

The temperature on the _Falcon_ has returned to normal and they’re sitting across from each other again. Rey isn’t so sure she wants Ben to try to read her emotions right now, not knowing how to shield herself. He already knows she was upset earlier, and time with him has made her feel … hopeful, happy even. But now that they’re sitting close together, the more her thoughts have wandered to … intimate ideas.

 

She just … she just wants to _touch_ him. They’d held hands on their way to finding Chewie and parting had left her needing more of that connection. Now she only wants him to hold her.

 

He’d touched her face when she’d first returned to him after her time recovering from the memories of Jakku and … and … she doesn’t think about it, just reaches out and strokes her fingers along his cheek, like he’s done with her.

 

His eyes widen and then close as she continues to investigate his face with her hands, allowing the second to join the first. His eyes slide shut and his mouth parts slightly. He looks, he looks content? No, that’s not right, but she doesn’t know how to describe the way he seems relaxed and tense at the same time.

 

Stubble lightly tickles her fingertips as she glides them over his flesh and he breathes out the quietest of moans. It startles her and she snatches her hands back, but he grabs her wrists and holds them back to his face. His eyes are open now, dark and liquid. That heat is back and he holds her eyes with his as he turns one of her hands so that his lips are ghosting along her palm.

 

Oh … oh gods. His breath puffs along her sensitive skin and it makes something deep inside of her thrum with tension. Still trapped in his hungry gaze he presses his lips to the center of her hand. The sensation goes straight to her core and she gasps as she feels a twist of pleasure as moisture pool in her underthings. She might be embarrassed if it didn’t feel so good.

 

Once, twice, three times he kisses her palm and then pulls her hands from his face, holding them in his. Her little hands almost disappear in his much larger ones. He still hasn’t moved his eyes from hers.

 

“Rey,” he says raggedly. She waits for him to continue, but he just keeps her trapped by his intense stare.

 

It’s overwhelming. The main cabin begins to feel too small and the man in front of her much too large. She wants to dive into these new, swirling feelings in her body and run away from them in equal measure.

 

Instead, she tears her eyes from his and his breath hitches. “M-maybe we should take a break first,” she stutters out.

 

He sighs. “If that’s what you’d like.”

 

“Y-yes, please.” She’s frustrated with how her voice trembles.

 

“You should eat something anyway,” he announces as he stands, nodding. He holds his hand out to her and helps her to her feet. But instead of stepping back he pulls her to his chest and wraps his arms around her.

 

This, this she understands. They’re friends. Friends embrace, and though he holds her very differently than Finn does, it still steadies her.

 

His hand spans her waist and his other is stroking through her hair. She hums her enjoyment of that particular gesture into his chest and they both let out a long breath. Being here, in his arms, it feels so right, as if it’s exactly where she’s meant to be.

 

Nuzzling the top of her head with his lips, she melts even closer into him. His chest rumbles as he says, “Oh, Rey … I don’t think you have any idea how much I care about you.”

 

She pulls back and looks up into his face. His eyes are almost sad. “You care about me?”

 

The intensity of his gaze only increases. “So very much.”

 

She can almost taste the sincerity of his words in the thick air. And she knows she must reciprocate. “I … I care about you, too, Ben.”

 

His eyes close for a moment and he looks almost in pain. But when his eyes return to hers, he looks bashful … hopeful. “I will never cause you to regret that, Rey,” he vows.

 

And she believes him.

 

She tucks her head under his chin and she just lets him hold her as their breathing syncs.

 

\---

 

Somehow, having Rey held fast to his chest has quieted the raging lust that had been threatening to cause him to act in a truly unacceptable manner. When she’d started to touch his face like that, it had been so innocently erotic that he’d lost his head for a while, taking her hand and kissing it to keep from kissing her mouth.

 

He’d wanted to launch himself at her, pin her to the floor and finally drink from those tempting petal-pink lips. But he’d controlled himself, more or less. Then the way her eyes had filled with answering heat … he’s sure he’d seen _desire_ , and had been working up the courage to ask if he could kiss her.

 

But it was obviously too much for her, and she’d retreated. He hadn’t been ready to lose her to the nervousness and fear that seems to plague them both so he had pulled her into his arms, _needing_ her, so badly.

 

The words, the words that rule him, had been clawing up his throat, so he’d pacified his aching soul with a pale imitation. He hadn’t anticipated that she would return the sentiment. Rey can be so trepidatious, but there was no fear when she’d told him she cares about him.

 

It has him bursting with joy, knowing that even though he’s done heinous things, this incomparable woman seems to see something in him worth caring for. He’d never thought he’d be granted such grace.

 

And so he holds her as long as she’ll allow. He would stand here forever if he could.

 

\---

 

Her belly growls and she can feel her cheeks pink. But he chuckles and pulls away from her.

 

“Alright, let’s feed you. Both of you,” he says with an amused smile.

 

She frowns, not really sure why. “I used to be able to go for days without food. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

 

He goes completely still and she feels anger. It’s hot and full of snarling teeth. There’s nothing to do but shrink from him.

 

“You never should have had to live like that,” he bites out through his tightened jaw. He still has one hand on her upper arm and she can feel the tension, his fingers digging into her flesh. The other hand fists and she senses Kylo Ren fighting to erupt.

 

“Ben?” she asks, a bit fearfully.

 

His eyes screw shut and she feels his hand relax then drop from her arm. When he opens his eyes they’re swimming with pain. “I’m sorry!” he gasps out. He swiftly examines where he’d held her, sighing out in relief when he finds her unhurt.

 

“It’s … it’s alright, I’m fine, but … I don’t understand what just happened …” It had scared her, seeing him, _feeling_ him become enraged. It was potent, like a wildfire burning across her nerves.

 

“I hate how you lived,” he spits. “Knowing how you suffered. No child should ever have been treated like that, but especially not you!”

 

She tilts her head slightly. “But … it’s over.”

 

He swiftly takes her by the shoulders and his eyes seer into hers. “Yes, it is. You know that I will never allow that to happen to you again? Never!”

 

His fervency is startling so she just nods.

 

“You know our daughter will never, ever know hunger? That I would do _anything_ to protect both of you?” His eyes are wild and she doesn’t know what to do with this passionate display.

 

One part of her wants to roll her eyes. It wasn’t that bad, she’s alive, isn’t she? But the other, deeper part of her wants to weep to hear someone finally want to protect her the way she should have been protected. That someone is here. That someone cares so much.

 

She listens to that part and surprises them both when she steps forward and kisses his cheek quickly before whispering, “Thank you,” against his skin.

 

His hands on her shoulders loosen and he just looks at her blinking, then he’s spurred into action by her rumbling stomach.

 

\---

 

He’s shaking as he pulls out bread and cheese from his trip to the market on Cathne. The anger hasn’t subsided completely and then she’d kissed him. She’d kissed him … Knowing she can see him, he keeps himself from touching the spot where her lips had pressed against his skin. He can still feel how soft they were.

 

As he cuts her meal into small bites he tries to calm himself down further. But he can’t seem to escape the roiling rage at what her life had been. She’d been so casual about _starving_ on numerous occasions, like she was mentioning the weather.

 

The anger had been swift and consuming. He wanted to demand Chewie take them to Jakku so he could rip a swath through all of those people who failed her. Couldn’t a family have taken her in? Didn’t they see that she’s pure magic?

 

Logically he knows Jakku just isn’t that sort of place, but the anger still simmers under the surface. Someone should have _known!_

 

And then he went and frightened her. Gods, he’d never wanted to do that. He’d seen that look before, under her defiance. Never again had he wanted to see Rey afraid of him. He hates that he brought back that expression to her face. It should have stayed on Starkiller.

 

Breathing out slowly, he begins to slice a piece of Jogan fruit. The tumult in his brain is back to obsessing about her kissing him. He has to get himself under control!

 

\---

 

He brings her a plate that’s ridiculously full of little bits of food. There’s an air of embarrassment around him and he cautiously offers, “Finn said you prefer small bites … I may have gone a little overboard.”

 

His bashful bearing makes it easier to ask, “Why … why did you get so very angry?”

 

Ben’s lips form a thin line and he says flatly, “You never should have had to live like that.”

 

Rey shrugs. “Lots of people live like that.”

 

“But not you!” he flares.

 

She really shouldn’t like him being so protective, but knowing that, as she grows large and more vulnerable, he will be there does make her feel safe. It’s a strange, unfamiliar feeling.

 

He looks like his anger is rising again so she takes the plate from his hands and begins to eat slowly, hoping caring for her in this way will bring him back.

 

“Thank you for this,” she says quietly.

 

Sitting down across from her he deflates, leaning back in his chair. “You need to eat, the baby needs you to eat. Besides … it makes me happy, looking after you.”

 

“I know,” is her soft reply.

 

His eyes are almost pleading with her when he murmurs, “Oh, Rey … if you only you _did_ know …” Then he looks away and she eats silently, knowing something has changed between them. He’s so much more than a friend and she was silly to have ever thought otherwise.

 

\---

 

Watching her eat soothes him, knowing she and his daughter are being nourished. She’s looking at him differently though and he’s still mad at himself for getting so angry about her life of deprivation.

 

It wasn’t new information, but there’s just always _more_. What fresh hell will she reveal as she grows to trust him even further? He knew she’d had to scrabble for every meal, and had he thought about it, he would have understood that of course there were truly dire periods.

 

The only time he’d ever missed a meal when he was a child was when he’d been particularly mouthy and would get sent to bed without dinner. Even then his father usually sneaked him something.

 

Her life throws his into stark relief, making him see so much he would really prefer not to acknowledge. How his childhood wasn’t quite the parade of failure that he’d thought it to be. Perception is strange, how your life shifts, your history becoming a new shape.

 

Rey keeps looking up at him like she’s trying to puzzle something out. If he’d truly lost his temper, no doubt she’d have run from him. She would have been right to. But instead she stays, those eyes calling to him constantly.

 

He wants to thank her for continuing to give him a chance and he decides he wants her to have the air cake now. Standing abruptly he mumbles, “I have something for you,” as he walks to his berth.

 

“What, no, no please.”

 

Stopping, he turns to her. “But … you’ll enjoy it, I know you will.”

 

“I don’t know how to repay you for earlier as it is.”

 

“Repay me? Rey, no … no. I want to, don’t you know I want to?”

 

“But the credits alone-”

 

“Well that’s not a problem, I have more credits than I could ever spend.”

 

Her eyes grow wide with shock and he realizes how that sounded. “No, no … I took one of the untraceable First Order credit chips when I left. But even if I only had ten credits to my name, I’d still spend them on you.”

 

“Oh,” she says quietly, that lovely blush returning. He does so like how she looks with that delicate shade across her cheeks.

 

“So, no more talk of repayment. It gives me such pleasure to give you the life you should have had. Please let me.”

 

She looks like he’s got a blaster to her head and his shoulders fall. “If it genuinely makes you uncomfortable …” He pauses, not wanting to actually commit to this course of action.

 

“Well … it does, but … it’s also … nice.” Her lips purse as she thinks. “Okay. I’ll wait here.”

 

“Really?” he asks excitedly. He’d been genuinely afraid she’d make him promise to stop looking after her.

 

“Really. Though … it _is_ hard for me … it reminds me of what …” She looks away.

 

His expression grows tender and understanding. “What you should have had. I know, sweetheart. I just want to care for you the way I wish it had always been. Will you let me keep trying?”

 

Slowly, she nods.

 

\---

 

He nearly skips to his room. Not only will she accept this treat from him, she’s given her permission to continue to treasure her properly. He quickly gathers up the boxed air cake and rushes back to her.

 

\---

 

The way her tongue flits out, licking her lips makes him shudder, but she doesn’t seem to notice, so intent on the confection in front of her.

 

“What’s it called?” she asks eagerly.

 

“Air cake, it’s light and sweet. I always thought it tasted like I imagined clouds would. Here.”

 

He takes a bit of the cake and holds it out to her, not really considering the consequences. She leans forward and takes the bite from his fingers and, Maker, her tongue just touches his thumb. Swallowing thickly, he shifts in his chair.

 

“Oh!” she exclaims, followed by a groan that has him again tamping down his thoughts. ”This is amazing!”

 

“I’m so pleased you enjoy it,” he says, feeling that burst of contentment when he makes her happy.

 

Then she genuinely surprises him when she looks at him expectantly. Not entirely certain what she wants, he slowly plucks off another piece and she darts forward, again eating from his hand. Oh gods, she can’t keep doing that.

 

But he finds himself feeding her until she can’t eat another bite, her little tongue constantly flicking against his fingers.

 

It’s a very long time before he’s willing to stand again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! Having you on my team is such an absolute treat. Thank you for always turning around these chapters so quickly!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is not happy that I'm leaving for five nights tomorrow. 
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm so enjoying sharing this story with you. Next chapter will be the kiss!!! I can barely stand it. Sadly, because I'm traveling, the next update will be a week from tomorrow on Tuesday. I'm sorry!
> 
> <3<3<3


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy finally can't take it any longer and has to attend to matters himself. Tingly Mama starts to finally get what the hell Desperate Daddy has been trying to tell her. **
> 
> **I know i said this would be the kissy kissy chapter, but my muse is just perverse, so next chapter. Even if it has to be 10K, we are getting to the damned kiss.

She’s impossibly relieved when he mumbles he has to use the ‘fresher. As soon as he’s gone, she lets out a shuddering sigh.

 

Why had she _done_ that? Invited him to feed her? She knows all she’d had to do was start to feed herself and the moment would have passed; but the way he’d looked when she’d inadvertently licked his thumb … somehow she knew it … stirred him. She _wants_ to stir him. She wants to push him to _do_ something, to make it clear to her in a way she can understand that he wants her.

 

He doesn’t act like other males. They always made it perfectly plain what they wanted. They’d make lewd jokes, or grab their genitalia through their clothes, laughing at her discomfort. Even Poe had essentially asked her to marry him. These are terms she can understand.

 

But his cautious bearing, his thoughtful gifts, his soft words … they remind her of the few holonovels she’d found or the stories the old women of Niima would tell around the fires late at night.

 

She’d always loved those stories, imagining a prince, or a wealthy merchant coming to tell her he was there to bring her to her parents. In her hopeful thoughts he was invariably tall with dark hair and eyes that saw into her soul. Just like Ben … she wonders …

 

When she’d shared her hopes with the circle around the fire, Darlyn, the kindest of the elder women, had looked so sad.

 

There’s no way to forget the mournfulness in her tone when she’d revealed, “Oh, child. Those are just stories. No one ever meets their prince. That simply doesn’t happen. Find yourself a solid worker, someone who will keep you fed.”

 

Rey’s young face had fallen and Darlyn had smiled compassionately. “Dreams are good. They keep you going when you’re half-dead. But never forget that they’re _dreams_.”

 

Her young teenage heart had broken just a little bit that day.

 

She’d even tried to do what Darlyn had said, made friends with the tavern keeper’s son. But his father had chased her away with a broom the first time he’d caught them holding hands, screaming, “Filthy scavenger, stay away from my son! He’s too good for the likes of _you_!”

 

When his son looked embarrassed, Rey had finally understood what it was to be _nothing_.

 

And so, she’d learned her place. And she kept on dreaming of her family because she _was_ half-dead and it was all that kept her alive.

 

\---

 

As soon as the door is shut he leans back, his head thunking the durasteel. He’s absolutely throbbing in his trousers, and it’s starting to hurt. He looks down on how he strains against the cloth and he’s incredibly grateful she’d not noticed.

 

She’d licked her lips after her last bite, leaving them gleaming and berry-red. He has never, in his entire life, been so tempted by _anything_. Her mouth, that mouth he’d felt whisper against his fingers so intimately, had _begged_ him in all the languages he knows to just kiss her. But her eyes had remained guileless, simply full of glee at tasting something glorious.

 

And the moaning. Why did she have to moan like that? He’d been forced to watch enough contraband holoporn at the Academy to know what that sound can mean. Gods, she’d sounded like he’d finally found his fingers in her center—no, no, he can’t think like that. He just can’t. If he lets himself, he honestly doesn’t know what he’ll do.

 

He has to get himself together, but, Maker, it hurts.

 

There’s an obvious solution, one he’s managed to avoid so far. It’s been years since he’s even contemplated doing this, his monastic existence finally quieting his body’s natural inclinations. But now, now it’s like he’s a boy again. No … no, this is so much worse. Before, all he’d had to do was tug at himself perfunctorily and ride a brief flash of pleasure. The relief hadn’t ever been quite worth the sense of powerlessness. He’d hated how his body hadn’t felt like his own, these unbidden urges taking him over.

  
Yes, it felt good. It had felt better than anything he’d known before pressing his fingertips against Rey’s. On some level he wonders just what it would feel like to imagine Rey as he did … that.

 

Would it be wrong? To imagine the woman he loves so much, before he’s even kissed her? The thought of kissing her makes his core twist in pleasure and pain and he just can’t take it any longer.

 

There’s no real thought when he rips open his trousers and palms his erection. He’s out of practice, but the first experimental stroke makes his whole body tremble and he knows there’s no stopping now.

 

Rey, gods, Rey …

 

He imagines those wet, plump lips as she’d licked away the last crumb of air cake. At the picture in his mind, he strokes faster. He has to bite his lip to keep from calling out. Holy hell, this feels so much better than anything he remembers.

 

His cock is leaking copiously and he swipes his palm along his head and now his hand slides along his hardness in a way it never has. He can’t hold it in any longer, gasping and whimpering as blinding pleasure tightens in his abdomen.

 

Swearing loudly, he’s not prepared when his spend erupts from him with such force it arcs across the room. It had only taken a minute, but the bliss is so total his knees buckle and he collapses on the ‘fresher floor.

 

His breath comes hard and fast as he tries to recover himself, pushing away the waves of ecstasy as the guilt comes. He shouldn't have thought of her like that. Shouldn’t have used her like that.

 

His head slumps forward and his breathing is calming when there’s a banging at the door.

 

“Ben! Ben, are you alright?”

 

His eyes close tightly and he wants to scream. Had she heard him? Does she _know_?

 

“Ben?”

 

“I’m fine! I just tripped, nothing to worry about,” he lies outright. Stars, he hates lying to her. Thank the Maker his shields are firmly in place.

 

“Oh, alright. Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been in there a long time.” Her tone is concerned and that just makes the guilt more jagged.

 

“Yes, I’m fine,” he calls out a bit tersely. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

 

“Okay. Chewie says we’ll be on Eshara soon. I’ll … I’ll wait in the main cabin.”

 

“Great!” he responds, trying to sound casual, but even he can perceive his strangled tone.

 

He hears her footsteps retreat and he sighs out a defeated breath. Pulling himself to his feet he begins to clean up the evidence of his loss of control.

 

How could he ever hope to be worthy of kissing her if he can’t even control himself?

 

\---

 

Rey squirms in her chair in the main cabin, a strange heat between her legs. No, not strange. Just something she’s never really felt because of someone else. Could she ask him to kiss her? She’d had the mad desire to suck at his fingers as he’d fed her and she’s past caring what the old women of Niima had to say.

 

Maybe he _is_ like the men in the stories. Maybe he’s trying to tell her that he wants her in a gentler way. Perhaps this is how men from the wealthy planets indicate interest? He did seem to be keen to spend credits on her. Is that … is that how it’s done in his world? Has she been blind?

 

Or is she just hoping because she wants him? The way his eyes had looked deep inside her had made her whole body come alive and she wonders if he would kiss her if she asked?

 

What’s taking him so long, anyway?

 

\---

 

Finally feeling somewhat like himself, he checks his reflection and is relieved to find the flush has faded. He takes in a deep breath and heads back to Rey.

 

Each step to her helps him find his center again. They’re making progress, he’s sure of it. He just has to get up the courage to either kiss her or admit precisely what it is she makes him feel. He’d much prefer to kiss her, he doesn’t really want to admit just how badly he wants, no _needs_ her. But he thinks that maybe, just maybe, she wants him to kiss her as much as he wants to do it.

 

He finds her laying on the blanket she’d spread out in the middle of the cabin, her knees up and her hands on her abdomen. Pausing at the entryway, he looks at her for a moment. Her eyes are closed and she has a calm, happy expression on her face. He finds he doesn’t want to disturb her.

 

She senses him anyway, and he almost gasps at how warm her eyes are when she opens them.

 

“There you are!” she exclaims, sitting up.

 

“Yeah, I uh, broke something when I tripped. Sorry I took so long, had to clean up.”

 

\---

 

He seems a bit strange, maybe he’s embarrassed that he’d been clumsy? But then he smiles down on her, reaching out his hand to help her.

 

When she takes his right hand, he gulps audibly and his eyes are suddenly riveted to where their hands clasp. He’s blushing bright scarlet and she looks at him quizzically.

 

“What is it?” she asks curiously.

 

“Uh, it’s nothing. Please don’t worry about it, _please_ ,” he entreats with such force she decides to drop it. One day, she’s going to ask him _all_ of her questions. He did say he would answer anything she asked.

 

The _Falcon_ rocks slightly as it comes out of hyperspace. Oh good, they’re arrived at Eshara and she smiles up brightly at Ben, who seems to have gotten over whatever it was that was making him behave so strangely.

 

“I thought it might be nice to explore Eshara a bit while Chewie is getting parts,” she offers shyly.

 

His face falls and he shrugs. “If … if that’s what you want.”

 

“Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the sands shift under my boots.”

 

He nods. “I … I understand. But … you’ll be careful won’t you?”

 

She’s a little confused by his question. “Yes? I’m always careful. Anyway, I’ll have my staff and I can’t imagine anyone making much trouble for two Force users.”

 

His eyebrows shoot up. “Oh! You want me to come with you?”

 

A crease appears between her brows and she blinks. “I … I just … I assumed.” Maybe he doesn’t really mean it that he wants to keep her safe, that he likes spending time with her. “I mean … you don’t have to if you don’t want-”

 

“I want,” he says urgently.

 

The way he says it makes her belly flip with excitement. The heat is back in his eyes and she thinks maybe he didn’t mean just to come with her. He had said he wants her and she’s finally letting herself believe that maybe he _has_ been telling her he wants her like _that_.

 

“Then it’s settled. Once we’ve landed, we’ll go exploring,” she says eagerly. It’s been such a long time since she’s been hot!

 

\---

 

The heat smacks him in the face the minute they walk down the ramp of the _Falcon_. He’d thought enough to leave his coat behind, but he’s still in his clothing meant for Shenden and he’s not about to go poking for something else onboard.

 

Rey is quickly down to her thin undershirt and he keeps his eyes to himself. As much as he can.

 

“I never thought I’d miss the desert!” she squeals with delight, holding her arms out and turning her face to the sun. She looks like a golden goddess with the sun glinting in her hair.

 

She might be built for this climate, but he is decidedly _not_. Chewie has set them down in a sand flat not far from a town. It appears to have low houses built around a thatch of tall, fronded trees and he gets an image of her spinning in the sun in a long, light dress. Suddenly, he doesn’t care about the heat, he just wants to wrap her in desert-finery.

 

Clasping her hand, he grins down on her. “Come on. Let’s go find out what Eshara has to offer.”

 

Her eager nod and wide smile makes him even forget the infernal sand for a moment.

 

\---

 

“What are you doing?” she asks as he drags her to the shopping district.

 

“We aren’t dressed for this kind of environment. I don’t know about you, but I’m _hot_.”

 

The trek had made it abundantly clear that he needs new clothes immediately. Besides, Corellia may not be a desert planet, but it’s a sight bit warmer than Shenden and he doesn’t want to don his Supreme Leader garb again.

 

She frowns. “You want to spend more credits on me, don’t you?”

 

Pulling her into his arms he smiles softly. “I do, I really, really do. You said you’d let me.”

 

Her concerned look deepens. “I didn’t think it would be so soon.”

 

“Oh sweetheart, you have no idea how much I want to spoil you. I want to buy you everything you ever wanted, even if only for a moment.”

 

\---

 

Rey doesn’t like that. It feels too much like he’s buying _her_ and she looks away, not sure how to explain. She knows he doesn’t mean it like that, but his largesse is beginning to feel … transactional.

 

“Rey?” he asks, his tone shifting immediately to worry.

 

Carefully, she says, “I … I don’t know how to feel about this.”

 

His thumb swipes along her cheek and he’s urging her to look into his eyes. “Tell me what you’re feeling. Please.”

 

“It feels … it feels uneven. Like … like the pleasure tent,” she blurts out.

 

His eyes go startlingly wide and he stutters out, “Are you—you think—-but—-I could never … Rey, I’m not trying to _buy_ you.”

 

“I know! I do know. But … I just …” Her hands flail.

 

He cups her face with both his hands and the energy flowing from him and the answering call from her helps her stay grounded. “Rey, listen to me, sweetheart.”

 

Blinking, she nods slightly.

 

“Can’t you imagine why I want to give you everything?”

 

“Because you feel sorry for me?”

 

His stricken face strikes at her and he sighs with frustration. His shields slip for a moment and she again hears _twin stars_. What does that mean!

 

“No … I don’t feel sorry for you. It hurts, what you’ve been through, but you’re far too fierce to ever inspire pity. I feel … I … I just want you to understand that this is only your due. That you deserve to be showered in gifts, cared for … l-” He stops and clears his throat. “Caring about you, for me, means so many things, but making sure you never again have to worry, scrimp, fight for every scrap … that’s why I want to do this.”

 

His face dips down and her heart races. Is he going to kiss her? Oh gods, please kiss her. He can buy her half the market if he’ll just kiss her. Instead, his lips go to her forehead and he keeps them pressed against her flesh. Tremors move through his body and she wonders if she’s trembling, too.

 

Ben’s heated breath along her skin makes her tingle and she lets herself enjoy the sensation. His arms come up around her and she returns his embrace, shifting as close to him as she can.

 

His chin rests on her head and he breathes out, “Please, Rey. I need this. I need to take care of you. You and our daughter. _Please_.” His voice is low and desperate and she pushes away the memory of that tone.

 

She remembers running to him when she felt him falling apart back on Shenden and she carefully offers, “On one condition.”

 

“ _Anything_ ,” he promises.

 

“You have to let me take care of you, too. I may not be able to buy you things, but you can’t send me away when you’re hurting, not like you did before.” She suppresses a flinch as she remembers his agonized face, his tortured voice as he’d screamed, “I don’t want you here!”

 

But she keeps herself in the present and pulls back enough to be able to see his face. It’s full of conflict. After a tense moment he looks away briefly. “I was only trying to protect you.”

 

“I don’t want that kind of protection. I just want you.”

 

The tremulous, vulnerable smile he graces her with sometimes makes some part of her unfurl and she really thinks she might be falling in love with him. She tamps down on the panic.

 

“Will you let me take care of you, too?”

 

His eyes swim with wonder and that softness she wishes she could name. His arms tighten around her and he finally breathes out, “Yes … yes. We’ll take care of each other.”

 

The baby has been quiet, content, but at this, there’s a curl of joy that winds through both of them and she rests her head on his chest as he strokes her back. He lets out a contented noise somewhere between a sigh and a moan and they go silent, enjoying the closeness of their little family.

 

Rey senses it again, _twin stars,_ but decides not to worry about it. She feels the closest to Ben that she ever has and she’s not going to spoil it for anything, not even her endless curiosity about this mysterious, wonderful, baffling man.

 

She feels his chest move under her cheek as he rumbles, “Rey, oh, Rey, my beautiful Rey.”

 

He … he thinks she’s beautiful? She wants to ask him if he means it, but the way his hands are moving along her back makes her feel almost drugged, so she settles in closer to him and allows herself to drift in this foreign land where she’s not alone.

 

She smiles.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who has also been keeping me sane while traveling by cracking me up on the regular. Thank you for not strangling my muse for lack of kiss!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is listless and sad while I'm out of town. I am too, honestly. Only two more nights, my love.
> 
> Thank you readers! Please don't hate me for not managing the kiss. However, I will be posting on Tuesday, and by the gods, they will kiss! I've missed writing every day and therefor my readers! It's far too close to when I was on hiatus and I don't like it one bit! Love and hugs and lollipops!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy manages just a little bit of game and Tingly Mama finally expresses some of her desire. Oh, and they both get a wardrobe upgrade. Wait ... there was something else ... hmmm, what was that again? Oh right. They KISS!!!

Feeling immensely pleased with himself, Ben savors the knowledge that he’d found several boutiques catering to humanoids. He steers them towards the most opulent, and while he’d like to just buy her one of everything, he knows he must go slowly. So he’s hoping to convince her to select something for their time on Eshara and perhaps a few other ensembles for when they arrive on Corellia.

 

She’s looking through the glass at a dress displayed. It’s a pink that’s so pale it’s almost ivory, and it reminds him of the image he’d had of Rey spinning in the sun. He just needs to keep her from checking the cost, as Chewie seems to have set them down near a rather affluent part of Eshara. It’s nearly evening, perhaps he’ll be able to find somewhere nice to take her to dinner?

 

Ben’s mind spins out in so many directions, all the ways he wants to spoil his precious love. There’s so much in the galaxy he wants to share with her, magical places he’d never really cared for but now the idea of showing them to Rey has him eager and impatient to start right now.

 

“Would you like to try it on?” he asks. She almost has her nose pressed against the window.

 

“Oh, no, it’s not practical. I just thought it was … pretty.” He sees the ghost of the girl she could have been and he once again swears to himself that he’ll fix this, give that little lost child what she should have had.

 

“It’s alright to have something that’s not practical. I … I’d like to see you in it,” he offers honestly.

 

Her eyes widen slightly. “You would?”

 

Ben takes her hand and caresses her palm with his thumb. “I really would,” he says, a ragged neediness in his tone. The thought of her at his side as they wander through the town, dressed in clothes he’s provided stokes something primal inside him.

 

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try it on.”

 

He smiles broadly and pulls her into the shop.

 

\---

 

She’s never, not once in her whole life felt even half as pretty as she does right now, wearing the dress from the window. The warm pale pink, like the beginnings of the sunset, contrasts with her skin and the fabric flows down her body. Somehow, it makes her shapelier. The long sleeves whisper against her skin—the fabric designed to shield her from the sun but allow the air to flow. The design is perfect for the climate.

 

But her favorite part is the light embroidery covering every inch with thin vines and leaves. The thread shimmers and when she moves it looks like sun glinting off of water.

 

Taking a deep breath, she steps through the curtain to show Ben. At first she’s nervous because his face is completely blank. But then he goes slack jawed and blinks repeatedly.

 

“We’ll take it,” he says swiftly to the kind Togruta who’s running the shop.

 

“Wait, Ben, it’s so expens-”

 

His eyes bore into hers and he almost growls. “There is no way we’re leaving this shop without that dress, Rey.”

 

“You … you like it then?”

 

Striding towards her, he clasps her about the waist and pulls her to him. There’s a confidence to his movements that makes her tummy swoop and she’s never seen his eyes full of so much liquid heat. In her ear he rumbles, “You look like you’ve been created from my dreams; please let me buy this for you. You’re so beautiful and this dress is almost worthy of you. Almost.”

 

She can’t quite believe she could ever look like what he says he sees. She’s just a scavenger, she can’t let herself forget that. Yet … hearing that he thinks she’s beautiful, confirming his earlier words, it makes her want to believe, want to let _this_ dream last.

 

But a lifetime of essential pragmatism still yells loudly in her mind. “I don’t know, Ben … after we leave here when would I ever wear it again?”

 

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m going to take you to so many places. You’ll need _dozens_ of dresses.”

 

She can’t process that, not really. However, they’d only just decided to take care of each other and for Ben, a large part of that seems to be buying her things. If she wants him to let her in, let her support him when he’s in pain, she has to try.

 

Fingers tighten at her waist and he whispers, “Please,” into her ear, His breath makes a shiver race up her spine.

 

Pulling back, he takes her hand and kisses one knuckle. “Please.” Another kiss, moving along her hand. “Please.” And another. He kisses her hand one last time, having held her eyes the whole time. “ _Please_.”

 

His entreaties are so earnest and the tension between them is deliciously taut. She can do nothing but assent. “Alright … alright.”

 

Ben grins and it makes him look like a different person, lighter, almost whole.

 

Beckoning to the shopkeeper, he instructs, “She also needs a few outfits suitable for a planet with chilly, rainy weather.”

 

“Ben!” she gasps out. He wants her to select even more? Spend more of his credits?

 

“Rey, I want you to have appropriate clothing.”

 

Frowning she says, “Leia always makes sure I have things to wear.”

 

She notices the shadow pass over his face, but he doesn’t say anything about his mother. “I want you to have things meant for _you_. Not just whatever is available. Honestly, I’d like to get you an entire wardro-”

 

“Oh, no, I couldn’t possib-”

 

“I _know_. That’s why I said a few. I don’t want to overwhelm you, I truly don’t. But you do need new clothes, I know you do.”

 

He’s not wrong, and the idea of having _new_ clothes to wear, items she’s selected herself, being able to make sure the sleeves won’t get in the way when she works, that they would fit without having to belt them … it’s truly enticing.

 

“I know you’re right. But … how about just two outfits instead?” She peeks up at him through her lashes.

 

He’s frowning but he nods. “Alright, Rey.” Then his expression brightens. “We’ll just have to find more on Corellia.”

 

She laughs at his dogged determination to spend a small fortune on her. “I only ever had two sets of clothes on Jakku, but something tells me you wouldn’t be happy about that.”

 

His expression tightens and she senses that storm of anger growing again. This time, however, he breathes out slowly and it recedes.

 

Kissing her forehead, he says, “Try not to think about the credits. Just enjoy yourself.”

 

So she does.

 

\---

 

While he’d prefer to just watch her flit between the stands of clothing like a honey bee, he has his own wardrobe needs.

 

It’s been such a long time since he had any genuine choice in what he wore, he doesn’t quite know where to begin. His inclination is to find something black, but he’ll look like a looming specter next to Rey …

 

He selects a pair of long, gray, loose trousers that hang low on his hips. The fabric is light and he almost feels like he’s in his sleepwear. In addition, there’s a pale tunic that goes to his mid-thigh with an open neckline. It’s much less oppressive than his clothing meant for the snow and ice. But he’s not had this much of him showing in years and he’s not quite sure what to think of it as he looks at himself in the mirror.

 

Sighing, he steps out into the shop and goes to find Rey, who has several pieces hanging over her arm. She actually does a double-take when she sees him and he feels as her eyes move over his body, her sudden desire broadcasting in the Force. She … she likes him like this.

 

Her eyes linger at the opening at his neck and he finds himself swallowing.

 

“H-have you found what you need?” he asks to pull himself from the building warmth in his belly.

 

“Well, I don’t _need_ any of it.”

 

“Rey …”

 

“I’m sorry. I … it’s going to take time. It all seems impossible to fathom. I’ve never …” She looks down on the skirts of her lovely dress and draws her fingers along the fabric. “I’ve never had anything new before, never mind something so beautiful.”

 

“And do you like it?”

 

“The dress?”

 

“No, being cared for.”

 

“Yes,” she whispers.

 

“But?”

 

“I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll believe in it, believe in you and you’ll … you’ll leave me. Leave us.” Her hand unconsciously settles on her abdomen.

 

Swiftly, he takes her face in his hands. “No! No, that will never happen. _Never_.”

 

Her eyes grow fearful. “I … I want to believe you, most of the time I do, but … this, it’s … it’s becoming real, isn’t it?”

 

“It’s always been real to me, Rey.” His voice is low and full of meaning.

 

She blinks slowly and he strokes her cheeks with his thumbs. Her little pink tongue darts out and he’s utterly trapped in her hazel eyes. Then his face is descending, almost without conscious thought, the need to capture those beckoning lips overriding any other thought.

 

His lips touch hers, just a whisper really, when the shopkeeper calls out, “May I help you find anything else?”

 

Ben’s mouth drags along hers as he turns his head, staring daggers at the Torgruta. “We’re fine,” he growls, but Rey slips away from him and when he looks back to her, he sees her retreating into the rows of clothing.

 

\---

 

Breathing quickly, Rey tries to concentrate on the racks of shirts and leggings, but all she can feel is the ghost of his lips on hers. Finally, _finally_ he was kissing her, but when she’d realized they’d been observed, she’d had to run. She’s not even sure why. Her first kiss … almost kiss? Their lips had barely touched, does it even count?

 

She wishes she hadn’t run away, but she’d been so overwhelmed by it all that she hadn’t known what else to do. Now that she feels more centered, she knows she has to go back. She can’t let him think she’s afraid. Even though she is. Taking in a deep breath, she turns on her heel and determinedly marches back to Ben.

 

When she finds him he’s sitting in a chair, staring at the floor. Not giving herself time to second guess her actions, she walks up to him and lifts his chin so he’s looking at her. Now it’s her turn to hold his face in her hands.

 

He’s blinking in surprise and there’s an air of rejection around him that she can’t allow to go on for one more minute. She wants this. She wants him. Maybe she even loves him. But she doesn’t want her first proper kiss to be in the middle of a store. He’s sure to have kissed dozens of women before; he probably doesn’t understand.

 

Leaning over, she presses a kiss to the soft skin right before his ear and breathes out, “When we’re alone.” Slowly, she trails caresses along his jaw as she pulls back.

 

What she finds is his eyes absolutely huge with hope and a small, eager smile on his lips. “That was why you ran from me?”

 

She shrugs. “I just … I want it to be special.”

 

Standing, he pulls her into his arms and her body hums happily; it’s always so right to be close to him like this. His voice vibrates against her ear as he says, “So do I, Rey.”

 

\---

 

Ben carries their purchases with one arm while her hand is tucked around the other. He likes walking with her like this, keeping her body close. They’d both found simple, practical clothing for Corellia and he’s feeling a profound sense of satisfaction and excitement. She _wants_ him to kiss her, what’s more, she wants it to be _special_. That means something, doesn’t it?

 

They’re near the center of the town and he walks them towards the grove of fronded trees. The sky is brilliant shades of pink and vivid orange, draped against the darkening blue of the coming night. He smiles slightly to himself as the street brings them to a small park with a pavilion made of ivory stone and winding pathways throughout the oasis. There’s an elaborate fountain and he’s _very_ pleased to find that they have the space to themselves.

 

A spike of alarm slices through his chest as she pulls from him, but then she’s spinning in the dying sun. Her dress flares from the movement and he realizes it has two slits, giving him enticing peeks of her thighs. His desert clothing doesn’t hide much and he focuses instead on her face.

 

Her expression is wide open and the smile on her lips is joyous as she begins to spin and spin, happiness sparking from her so loudly he can’t help but mirror her smile. He’s never seen her look so free and he hopes he’s part of this unbridled display.

 

Arms out, she continues to spin, turning her face to the dimming sky, her eyes closed. This allows him to stare as openly as he wants. In his entire life he’s never been so beguiled, so drawn to anything or anyone. Even his crystal hadn’t pulled at him so strongly. She glows in the pink light from the sunset.

 

She comes to a stop in front of him, her hair wild from exertion and still grinning.

 

“What was that about?” he asks with affection.

 

“I just … I’ve never been so _happy_. You … you make me happy,” she offers shyly.

 

“Oh, sweetheart, you make me happy too. You make me feel so many things.”

 

“Good things?” she asks, a hint of insecurity in her tone.

 

That won’t do. He traps her about the waist and pulls her against him, growling in her ear, “ _Very_ good things.” The shiver that runs through her gives him confidence and he nips at her ear. She lets out a little whimper and he kisses along her cheek until he’s at the corner of her mouth.

 

Holding his lips just at the edge of where he desperately wants to be, he’s seized with trepidation. Their whisper of a kiss was the closest he’s ever come to knowing what it might feel like to kiss someone. No, not someone. Rey.

 

This is Rey, the mother of his child and the owner of his heart. He needs to fulfill her shy request that it be special, but he has no idea _how_.

 

She waits patiently in his arms, but the time is stretching. “Oh, Rey … you’re so beautiful, so precious to me. Do you have any idea what you do to me?” he murmurs against the edge of her mouth.

 

He can feel her words when she says, “No … but I know what you do to me. What I want you to do to me.”

 

No more stalling, his love deserves everything he can give her and he will give her this. Slowly, so slowly, he shifts and gently presses his lips to hers. There’s a delicious spark between them as he hesitantly kisses her, once, then again.

 

Oh, oh … her lips are so soft, so pliant and her hands are fisting the fabric of his tunic, pulling him closer. Answering their mutual need, he pulls her bottom lip between his and now tight heat coils in his center. Her mouth, oh dear, gods, her mouth is _perfect_.

 

He wants to deepen the kiss but he’s not sure precisely what to do until she tilts her head and suddenly their lips are slotted together. It all begins to make some sort of primal sense and he tangles his hand in her hair, holding her firmly, some part of him needing to make sure she doesn’t run from him this time.

 

But he needn’t have worried, as her arms come up around his neck and he feels that tempting tongue that drives him mad flick against his lip. He realizes he’s been groaning when he gets even louder and he opens for her, tangling his own tongue with hers.

 

How can this feel so good? Every nerve ending is alight with delirious pleasure and his whole body throbs with need and satisfaction in equal measure. Maker, he’s never going to stop kissing her.

 

Then she shifts and presses into him and his eyes fly wide, realizing she can feel his erection. Her lips pause their onslaught and she wiggles her hip against him experimentally. The friction makes him whimper in humiliation and desperation. Almost against his will, his hand at her waist strays lower and grasps her bottom, pulling her tight against him as he thrusts along her tight body.

 

He realizes what he’s done and he rips his lips from hers and steps back immediately, gasping, “I’m sorry!”

 

Rey looks hurt and stutters out. “W-why? I … I thought you wanted to kiss me.”

 

“Force, Rey, I’ve wanted to kiss you for far longer than you’d be comfortable with. That’s … that’s not what I meant.”

 

“Oh, you meant your … uhm … that.” She vaguely gestures towards his aching length. Now she just looks confused. “Doesn’t that just mean you … want me?”

 

“Rey, I beyond want you.”

 

“I don’t understand then. Why were you apologizing? Isn’t that … a good thing?”

 

Her confusion dispels his dread that he’d done something unforgivable, pushed her too far and he shakes his head, trying to reorient himself. “It’s a good thing if it’s … welcome.”

 

“Oh.” She moves closer to him again, but not quite touching. Looking down, she takes his hand and encourages him to wrap his arm around her again. She steps forward and now their bodies are flush against each other. She looks up and her beautiful eyes are burning when she declares. “It’s welcome, Ben, so very welcome.

 

Then he can’t think any longer because she’s the one kissing him now, fiercely, possessively. He’s dizzy and desperate, needful and utterly lost in the heat of her mouth.

 

His entire galaxy has narrowed down to Rey’s lips on his and her hands in his hair.

 

And he never wants it any other way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, ArtemisBare. Were there enough crunchy bits? That's what she calls it when I manage to actually describe something other than feelings or smut. I am so lucky to have such an amazing editor. Seriously, when there's real trust you learn so much about yourself.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! I'm so glad to be home and so are Mr. Downing and our pets. Poor man didn't leave the house for five days, just ... waited. It reminded me of that tumblr post where Persephone asks Hades what he does while she brings spring and he says, "Wait for you to come back." Kinda broke my heart a bit but also made me feel so loved. The line between swoon-worthy devotion and healthy relationship is awfully squiggly.
> 
> Thank you readers! It happened! They kissed! Thank you for your patience, slow burns can be so painful, I know. I wish I could say we are on the express route to smut town but ... well ... no. It's going to continue to drive you demented and I hope you'll forgive me and my muse. She's currently smoking a cigarette and feeling proud of herself. She hisses when I point out it was just a kiss. 
> 
> Have I mentioned that you are all simply the best? Because seriously, your comments keep me going. See you tomorrow!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy and Thirsty Mama get a tad carried away, then they have their first proper date. Desperate Daddy knocks it out of the park and they're so wrapped up in each other there might be a danger of needing a cavity filled after reading.

The building pressure in her center throbs in time with his urgent thrusts against her belly and she needs something to make this clamoring in her body stop, become, grow, she doesn’t even _know_. She just knows she needs _him_ , needs something she can’t define.

 

He’s kissing her like she’s the first water he’s found in days, drinking her down so deeply she feels it _everywhere_. The low, needy sounds he’s making are driving her insane, igniting a fire across this mysterious land she wants to explore _completely_.

 

Another gush of wetness between her thighs makes her a bit frantic, she’s never needed something so badly without even knowing what it is! Shifting her hips, all she knows is that she needs him to touch her _there_ , but he’s too tall. Surprising them both, she pulls herself up his body, wrapping her legs around his waist.

 

Gods, yes! She grinds down on his delicious hardness trapped between them and Ben lets out a high whine before he meets her, his hands supporting her under her thighs. She’s chasing that feeling from her dreams and it feels so, so good.

 

Ben’s whole body shudders and he pulls his lips from hers, panting harshly. He slowly sets her down and his forehead presses against hers. “Rey, we … we have to slow down.” His hands knead into her backside, showing his own conflict.

 

“Why?” she begs plaintively, needing him back between her legs so very badly. Nothing had ever felt so incredible and she wants to know where it was going.

 

“I won’t take advantage of you, mauling you like this in a public park.”

 

Rey looks around and finds they’re still alone. “But, no one’s here.”

 

A brief flash of … self-loathing, perhaps anger streaks through his eyes and he shakes his head. “I’d never forgive myself if I used you like that, out in public. You deserve everything I can give you.”

 

She frowns, not liking that he seems to think because he has more experience he gets to decide for her, but then an elderly couple enters the oasis and Rey’s lust-addled mind begins to clear. Realizing that they were minutes from being caught rutting against each other, her cheeks burn and she gasps out, “Oh gods.” Her hand slaps over her mouth as she truly understands.

 

While her lower abdomen is aching with something undone, unfulfilled, she’s suddenly extremely grateful for his self-restraint. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that he knows what he’s doing. She manages to keep the possessive jealousy off of her face as she imagines other lips on his, his arms around other women … she can’t think about it, it will drive her mad.

 

She carries their child, which makes her special. Doesn’t it?

 

\---

 

He can’t quite discern what her expression means, she seems almost sad. “Rey, you know I’m _not_ rejecting you. This doesn’t mean I don’t want you, desperately. You have to know, please tell me you know how special you are to me.” He can hear the fear in his tone and a huge part of him wants to grab her, sprint back to the _Falcon_ , but he reminds himself about taking her to dinner.

 

Slow, he has to go slow. Rey deserves nothing but careful unwrapping and gentle handling. Never mind that he’s also not entirely sure what he’s doing …

 

Eyes moving to his, Rey seems surprised and vaguely skeptical. “Am I? Am I special?”

 

He can feel his eyes fill with a wistful sort of melancholy … she truly has no idea and he can’t seem to find the words to explain to her how important she is to him, how she’s the only woman he’s ever wanted, the only woman he will ever want.

 

Perhaps he should tell her that he loves her. Maybe she won’t be afraid of him like he’d worried. She certainly doesn’t seem to take _any_ issue with his desire for her, meeting him at every point. Honestly, she seems to want to move forward much more swiftly than he’s comfortable with.  

 

Her eyes are huge with hope and, keeping her in his arms, he holds her gaze. “You are so special. To me, to everyone, really. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re made of durasteel yet you have the softest, most amazing heart. So yes, Rey, you are the very definition of special.”

 

Blinking slowly, she says, “You are, too.”

 

“What? No … no, I’m … I … the best I can do with my wreck of a life is give you and our daughter the best future I can. I’m … I’m not special,” he says, his sense of equanimity receding quickly and he looks away. The ghosts howl for him, but her light touch keeps him tethered.

 

Cupping his face with her hand, she murmurs, “Is that truly what you think? There’s … there’s so much more to you. Every day you let me see another part of who you were meant to be. And I like him. I like him very much.”

 

Cautiously, he meets her eyes. “You do?”

 

“Mmmhmmm.” Then she presses the softest of kisses against his lips before resting her head on his chest.

 

“Oh, Rey …” He hopes she can hear his heart in his whisper of her name.

 

They stand, in each other’s arms until the sun sets.

 

\---

 

He’d simply led her away from the oasis, planning to find a place to eat. There was no real need to ask if she wants dinner, she appears to always be hungry. Whatever issues she’s had with eating haven’t appeared recently.

 

They share a warm silence as they walk through the streets. She’s tucked herself closely next to his form, seeming to not wish to be parted from him. It fills him with relief, because he needs her close, too. After sharing such intimacy, he finds he needs to touch her as much as he can. It’s as if she’d opened some part of him up and now only she can hold him together.

 

There, that’s it. He sees a small restaurant with elegant lighting and he knows it’s perfect, having been to similar establishments as a child. He tries not to think of his family, but his father’s laugh rings in his head.

 

“How about that one?” he asks, focusing on the feeling of Rey’s hand on his arm to bring him back from his tormented history.

 

Her eyes look a bit sleepy and he wonders … “Sweetheart, do you need to go back to the ship?”

 

“No! Uhm, I mean, no. I’m fine; I want to experience this with you. I _do_ get more tired than I used to … I guess growing our daughter takes more energy than I thought.”

 

Standing outside of the restaurant, he turns her to him. “I like that. _Our_ daughter. I like that so much.”

 

Her face breaks into an open smile and she softly admits, “I do, too.”

 

Smiling back, he takes her hand and leads her inside.

 

\---

 

Rey has never seen anything quite like the restaurant Ben selected. She’s only been in taverns and cantinas. Leia’s told her a few stories about what it’s like on Coruscant, but this is different. Instead of a room full of tables, there are little pavilions throughout the space. Ben seems unusually excited and she wonders what’s behind the curtains.

 

The restaurant appears to specialize in local cuisine and the Esharan leads them to a secluded space, drawing back the fabric. Ben is almost bouncing on his feet and she wonders what in the galaxy has him so excited.

 

She gasps when she looks inside and she _understands_. There’s a low table surrounded by luxurious pillows with local flowers scattered all along the deep red cloth draping the table. It smells richly of spices and there are dozens of little points of light, glowing from glass spheres hanging from the small, enclosed space. The whole area glows and the subtle light makes her dress almost gold as the threads shimmer.

 

“Here,” Ben offers, helping her sit on one of the plush pillows. She’s not sure she’s ever sat on something so soft. Her fingers glide along the sumptuous purple velvet, the fine embroidery catching on her nails. He goes to sit on the other side of the table and Rey frowns.

 

“Closer. You’re so far away.” She scoots around the table and he meets her, until they’re right next to each other, looking out through the opening in the lush curtains.

 

The waiter smiles and winks at Ben. “You’d best keep that one.”

 

“Oh, I intend to,” Ben says, looking deeply into her eyes.

 

Rey is getting a bit overwhelmed. She didn’t even know that romance could be real, and now he’s surrounded her with more beauty in a single day than she’s ever experienced in her whole life. His eyes are so deep and dark in the low light and he makes her feel like she’s all that he can see.

 

Clearing his throat, the waiter starts to hand them menus but Ben waves them away. “We’ve never been to Eshara before, please bring us a selection of your specialties.”

 

There’s a knowing smile on the Esharan’s face and he tucks the menus under his arm. “And refreshment?”

 

Ben suddenly looks panicked. “Rey, I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask you what you wanted to eat, I just … I knew neither of us had been here, and I-I-I-”

 

She can’t help it, she giggles at his terrified, gaping expression. “It’s fine. I said I’d let you take care of me and I don’t know anything about the food here. I don’t really know anything about food apart from portions, anyway.”

 

That storm knits his brow, but she can see him push it away as swiftly as it came. “And to drink? What would you like?”

 

“Oh, water! I love that I can have water whenever I want, now. Nothing is more delicious than clean, pure water,” she gushes. The waiter frowns and looks at Ben sharply. Rey doesn’t like the judgement in the man’s eyes.

 

“We haven’t known each other long, don’t blame him! He would never have let me live like that!” She’s surprised at her fiery anger.

 

Ben looks at her with a hint of wonder and dismisses the waiter with a wave of his hand as he says, “Water, please.”

 

The waiter, looking a tad sheepish, closes the curtains and now they’re completely enclosed in their own little world.

 

Leaning against a pillow on his side, propped up on his elbow, Ben’s face is below hers and he reaches out, pulling her chin down with two fingers until she’s looking at him. “You know then, don’t you, that I would have ripped the galaxy in two to get to you if I’d only known how you were suffering?”

 

She knows that should bother her, that his inclination to violence is … a problem. But the thought of someone wanting so badly to see her safe, cared for … she can’t even begin to understand that kind of devotion.

 

Her voice is foreign to her as she says, “I … I know. I know you would do anything to protect us.”

 

“While that’s true, that’s not what I meant. I mean you, just _you_. I love our daughter, but if I’d known when I was but a boy what was happening to you, I would have come for you, stolen the _Falcon_ , searched all of Jakku until I found you.”

 

Now she really can’t let that in because it’s all she’s ever wanted and in that moment she knows that she loves him. But the way his eyes are so intensely holding hers, she has to look away. It’s just too much and she doesn’t know where to put someone feeling that way about her.

 

Instead she looks down and slides her palm along her stomach. “You’re very lucky that Ben is your papa,” she whispers to their daughter.

 

When she can again look at him, his eyes are soft the way they always are when he’s thinking of their child and his hand lifts.  But then he drops it, a slight downward twitch to his lips as his brows draw together.

 

She thinks she knows what he wants. He wants to hold his hand over their baby.  They’d been so intimate, pressed so close, but something about this, is entirely different … sacred. Tentatively, she takes his wrist and tugs his hand towards her. As she places his palm flat against her belly he gasps.

 

Rey senses as the baby burbles her little joyous furls of the Force and tears gather in Ben’s eyes. “I can … I can feel her energy against my hand.” His voice is low and awed.

 

Nodding, Rey says, “It only started a few days ago. It’s … warm.”

 

“I … thank you. Thank you for this beautiful gift. Thank you for our daughter,” he says with such urgency that her eyes begin to prick, too.

 

“Well, I didn’t actually _do_ anything. Neither of us did.” It’s the first time she’s said anything about the horrific things she’d accused him of since the cave, and while she wants to talk about her awful assumptions, she’s grateful when all he does is look away and take in a breath before smiling at her.

 

“You are the one growing our baby, every day. I see how tired you are; I know it’s not easy.”

 

She scrunches up her face. “Dr. Kalonia says it’s going to get so much worse.”

 

“And I will be there every step of the way.”

 

Quietly, Rey says, “I know …”

 

There’s a heady closeness in the air, with the gentle light and fragrant flowers. It’s as if they’re the only people in the entire galaxy. She couldn’t possibly look away, as he keeps his hand at her abdomen and she feels his shields open, allowing his emotions to stream into her.

 

He’s so hopeful, but frightened too, that somehow he can’t be the man they need him to be. And the devotion, the adoration she feels flowing over her, it’s humbling and it waters the parched garden of her soul. There’s no way she could pretend this is only for their child. The desire, the respect, the reverence… she doesn’t know how to open herself to him the way he does, but she tries.

 

Focusing hard on how he makes her feel, she attempts to stream into the Force how safe it is in his arms, how she’s beginning to truly believe him, _in_ him. The shining, pure place he makes her see where she no longer hurts so much. What a good father she knows he’s going to be. A life _with_ him.

 

His wet eyes widen and he shudders, pulling her into his arms, his whole body shaking with emotion. He chokes out into her hair. “Truly, Rey truly?”

 

“Truly.”

 

\---

 

Feeling her like that, so open and sincere. He’d never, not for one moment ever imagined anyone could ever feel like that about him, and certainly not Rey. But she can’t lie in the Force and he doesn’t think she would anyway.

 

In that moment, so open and close, he decides he’s going to tell her that he loves her. Not yet, there’s been too much today. But soon, very soon he’ll admit his deepest feelings. He’s tired of hiding from her. He’s been hiding so much from them both since the moment he set eyes on her.

 

Shifting away from her, he wipes his eyes, surprised to find no embarrassment from his naked emotion. This is Rey … he can trust her. He can be vulnerable with her. The thought is frightening, but soothing, too. He feels his discordant pieces reorient once again and he’s that much closer to finding his center.

 

He pulls away from her and holds her by the shoulders. “I know I don’t deserve you, I know I never will, but I’m so grateful that you’re letting me attempt to become that man, anyway.”

 

“Ben, no-”

 

“Shhhh. I know what I am.”

 

Rey frowns but then the most ethereal sound floats through the fabric of the little pavilion. Rey’s face lifts, as if she’s trying to follow the music to its source. It’s a resonant string instrument that feels almost hypnotic. He leans them back against the pillows and the beautiful melody transports them both, ending their conversation.

 

Something about the music makes time stretch and they’re both in an almost drugged state when the waiter returns with their meal. Ben and Rey both rub their eyes, trying to make their way back out of the magic of the music.

 

Most of the offerings are richly spiced dips for flatbread, along with bits of savory meets and a platter of cut fruit. It’s what he’d hoped when he’d seen the restaurant. Over his travels he’s found desert cultures often have these private eating areas and fragrant spices are frequently on offer.

 

He thinks of the air cake and he grins, suddenly not at all worried to feed her. But she beats him to it and scoops up a diced salad of vegetables with the bread and holds it out to him. The mischief in her eyes makes him know she was aware of _precisely_ what she’d been doing to him.

 

Deciding to turn the tables, after he nibbles the Esharan delicacy from her fingers she gasps in surprise as he draws her finger into his mouth, sucking gently. Her pupils dilate and her lips part. _Oh yes, my love, turnabout is fair play._

 

They tease and feed each other until they’re sated and content, low level arousal underpinning it all.

 

\---

 

After their meal, he pulls her back into his arms and she settles against his chest, the music lulling her into that place of lucid dreams. Their edges seem to start to blend and she’s not quite sure where she ends and he begins. His hand settles over her womb and he’s making soothing circles along her skin. Their daughter is deeply asleep but she can feel how the Force streams between them.

 

His deep voice rumbles against her ear as he murmurs, “You’re sleepy; we should get you back to the ship. Though I’m not opposed to carrying you.”

 

She bats at him, pulling herself out of the delicious floating feeling. “Hmmph,” is all she can manage.

 

His hand plays with his hair and he kisses along her temple, never stopping his strokes along her belly. As she drifts in the Force she hears it again. _Twin stars_.

 

“What does ‘twin stars’ mean? I keep hearing it.”

 

His hand stills over her abdomen, but he doesn’t say anything.

 

“Ben?”

 

A long breath escapes him. “It’s … I ...“ Another large sigh. “It’s what I call you and our child. My twin stars.”

 

She gets a flash of how it happened—why he started thinking of them like that—his fear that he’d be doomed to always orbit them, never allowed near and she breathes in sharply.

 

“I would never, ever keep you from your child.”

 

“I know,” he admits, his voice strained. “It’s … it’s you I worry about, that you’ll decide I’m too much, my history …”

 

“No … I can’t imagine that. Whatever it is between us, it’s … it’s stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced. I don’t … I don’t think it would allow us to be apart.”

 

He makes a pained sound. “I don’t want to trap you.”

 

“I don’t feel trapped. I feel … cared for.”

 

Instead of responding verbally, she’s again surrounded by how he feels and somehow she knows that he loves her.

 

“I like it,” she whispers. “I like being one of your twin stars.” His feelings swell around her, holding her as close as his arms hold her to his chest.

 

The music pulls her down again and she floats along this luscious mix of his devotion, his strong body, and the way their connection hums with pleasure. She’s almost asleep when she hears him whisper against her skin.

 

“You always will be.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare. You're so supportive and I've filled this with lots of description, just for you. 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! This dinner scene was based on our tenth anniversary dinner where Mr. Downing managed to make me feel like I was in fairy land. 
> 
> Thank you readers! My apologies for missing yesterday's update, I got hit with a bug that was luckily the fast acting variety. Stupid travel. I've so enjoyed your comments on The Kiss. Thank you for your patience! Heads up, Pain Train gets chugging again soon. Enjoy the fluff because ... well, Rey has ignored so much in her dicknotized state and going back to the Resistance is going to be a cold plunge to be sure.
> 
> *sparklers and sundaes for everyone!*


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy gets an opportunity to indulge in his favorite activity: Advanced Rey Bridal Carrying. Then Thirsty Mama broaches that whole unfortunate kidnapping business. Uncle Over It continues to be way nicer to Desperate Daddy than he probably deserves and gives him the heads up that the Resistance might not be thrilled with their cinnamon roll shacking up with his burnt bagel tuchas.

She’s perfect, utterly perfect. Rey is sound asleep against his chest, the transcendent music lulling her into the land of dreams. This is so very different from when he’d slept beside her in the cave. She _wants_ to be here, wants him to hold her close.

 

Ben can’t quite believe how lucky he is. How has this even happened? He’d thought simply being allowed near her was the most he could hope for. But now he has her in his arms, wanting to be with him. The emotions that flowed over him through the Force, their connection … their shared child, they had taken his breath from his lungs.

 

This, right here, is all he’s ever truly needed. To be seen and still be wanted. To be vulnerable and still be cared for. To be himself with one other human being … it feeds his starving heart that had threatened to consume him, quieting its raging hunger, leaving it sated and whole and beating in his chest.

 

Her delicate face is so peaceful in sleep. Gods, he could watch her sleep forever. The way her little nose turns up slightly, her fine eyebrows arching, the gentle curve of her cheekbones, all the details that make up Rey are greedily hoarded for later perusal.

 

She makes a little snuffling sound and settles even more deeply into him. He needs to get her back to the Falcon so she can rest properly. Though, if they weren’t in a restaurant he’d happily be her bed for the night. For all the nights to come.

 

The bill has been handled, though getting his credit chip out of his pocket without disturbing Rey had been a challenge. Now all he has to do is get her up from her place tucked just so next to him without jostling her so much that he wakes her. Waking her feels like the cruelest of acts.

 

She’s so tired, his love. She’d mentioned that it would become more difficult and he realizes he needs to have a better understanding of what’s coming. Perhaps … perhaps he should speak with … his mother. This is her grandchild. The thought jolts through him. It’s the first time he’s allowed himself to acknowledge that his mother truly is his family. That she must have feelings about this too.

 

He has the strangest thought then. Though he knows he had no choice in Rey’s pregnancy, he wonders if his mother is upset with him. It’s a terribly old-fashioned idea, but … shouldn’t he and Rey be married? Is his mother disappointed that her grandchild has come about in such a non-traditional manner?

 

Would Rey even consider it? They’re already bound in the Force, they share a child … but is that a step too far? His mind’s eye can see her, so clearly, in wedding finery, wearing that smile she makes when he gets it right.

 

Pulling himself from his musings he begins to adjust Rey so that he may lift her in his arms and take her to her bed.

 

\---

 

She feels so safe, lulled by the rhythmic gait and strong arms carrying her. For a moment she doesn’t want to open her eyes; she’s so comfortable. Wait. Ben is carrying her? Slowly, her eyes flutter open and she looks up at him.

 

He has her clasped protectively too his chest with one arm, the other firmly grasping her thighs. Her feet swing slightly with each step. His expression though … it’s completely open and she didn’t know he could look so content.

 

This is a new opportunity, looking at him without him being aware that she’s awake, and she suddenly realizes that though he’s carried her several times, this is the first time she’s aware of it. Her first thought is that Ben is _strong_. It thrills something ancient inside her to know that this man, this man who loves her, really can protect her and their child.

 

She shouldn’t like that as much as she does, but a lifetime of wanting someone, anyone, to please, please help her, just a little bit has left large swaths of her soul keening to be cared for. To lift the unrelenting terror of starvation, to soothe the agony of entrenched loneliness.

 

So she lets herself feel safe in the arms of Ben Solo.

 

It’s startling to find his eyes on hers when she next looks at him. “Hello, sweetheart,” he rumbles quietly, his deep voice resonating along her body, causing answering tingles along her spine.

 

“Hi,” she offers, feeling a bit like she’s been caught.

 

“We’re about halfway to the ship.”

 

“Oh, well, I can walk now.” She doesn’t really want to—it feels too good nestled against his chest—but it’s silly of her to make him trek the rest of the way with her in his arms.

 

His face grows tight and he frowns.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

 

“I … I like carrying you,” he responds with an air of embarrassment.

 

Smiling, she thinks for a moment and realizes she can think of at least four times he’s done this, but it reminds her of how they met and she tries to push it away, she really does, but he sees it on her face and he stops walking.

 

“Rey? What is it?”

 

Stroking one hand through his hair, she shakes her head. “It’s nothing.”

 

A flash of pain sparks in his eyes. “Please don’t do that, don’t lie to me.”

 

Lie to him? No, she’s trying to protect him! Though, she does feel strange about him carrying her now so she starts to untangle herself from him. He reluctantly lowers her feet to the ground but keeps an arm around her waist.

 

“What is it, sweetheart?” he asks again.

 

“It’s … well, you’re right, it wasn’t nothing, I just didn’t want to bring it up.”

 

“It’s alright to say you don’t want to talk about something. I can be patient. I know we’ll have to talk about a great many things. Though … I would like to know, if you’re comfortable telling me.”

 

She looks away from him and closes her eyes briefly before again meeting his gaze. “It’s just that … when you said you like to carry me, I couldn’t help but think about Takodana, how you … took me. Did you like carrying me then?” She’s not sure she wants to know the answer, wanting him to say yes just as much as she wants him to say no.

 

It’s his turn to look away. “Yes,” he murmurs quietly.

 

Her eyes widen as she comprehends what that really means, shoving away her memory of her own confusing reactions when he had interrogated her. “But we were enemies …”

 

“You were _never_ my enemy!” he suddenly bursts out heatedly.

 

“You … you broke into my mind, fought me in the snow, made me give you this scar. Of course I was your enemy,” she says plaintively as she strokes her hand along the thin line across his face. “I _am_ sorry for that.”

 

He shakes his head and says, “It doesn’t matter. I deserved it, after everything. I … I never saw you as an enemy, as confusing as that was for me. Do you have any idea how much I regret what I did to you?”

 

“I … I think so?”

 

Taking her hands in his, he looks down on her. “I was so lost, so twisted by Snoke I couldn’t see. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me.”

 

“What … what was happening to you?”

 

“You, _you_ were happening to me. You made me feel so much, old feelings I thought were dead, new feelings I thought couldn’t possibly be real. When I carried you, it was as if I’d found my purpose, I just didn’t even begin to know how to process that. I retreated into the familiar cloak of Kylo Ren.”

 

“Is that what you meant when you said you’ve wanted to kiss me for longer than I’d like?”

 

“Yes. Gods, I wanted to kiss you so badly on Starkiller.”

 

“You did?” Rey doesn’t know what to think about that. He’d had her strapped down to that horrible chair then trapped at the edge of the cliff.

 

“I did, but I never would have, not with … not with our respective positions.” Searing pain cuts through his gaze. “You know that I would _never_ touch you without your consent, don’t you?”

 

“I know. I … I’m sorry I thought you had.”

 

He lets out a long breath. “I understand why you did …” he trails off.

 

“But it still hurt.”

 

“Hurts.”

 

“Hurts?”

 

“You don’t know what it did to me to see the fear in your eyes. That you, of all people, could believe I’d done that … I don’t think anything short of losing you could ever be as painful as you begging me not to hurt you again.”

 

She doesn’t remember that and she looks at him in confusion.

 

“It was when I found you in the snow. You were delirious.”

 

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Her words are wholly inadequate. She feels guilty and _so stupid_ for ever believing he’d do something like that. Her Ben could never hurt her, she knows that now.

 

“No … as I said, I understand. What actually happened is so extraordinary that a reasonable person couldn’t think anything else. You don’t need to be sorry.”

 

“Ben, I hurt you. I will always be sorry if I hurt you.” She touches his scar again and he lets out a light gasp. She snatches her hand back but he grasps it and lays it across the mark on his face.

 

“Does it hurt?” she whispers.

 

“No, it’s just sensitive. It feels nice when you touch it, when you touch me.”

 

The closeness is returning and Rey goes on her toes, surprising him with a kiss. But it doesn’t take him long to catch up and he kisses her back fiercely.

 

They break apart for a moment, panting harshly. “I like touching you,” she admits, their foreheads pressed together.

 

His arms come around her and he pulls her to him, capturing her lips again. Between kisses he fervently declares, “Gods, Rey, you scramble my brain ... take over my body … I’m yours, do you understand? I’m yours … I will never leave you … not unless you want me to.”

 

“I’m yours, too.”

 

Pulling her even closer he sighs out, “You both are, my twin stars.”

 

They kiss under the moonlight for a long time.

 

\---

 

He’s half carrying her when they get to the Falcon. His girl is exhausted and she doesn’t protest when he scoops her up and places her in bed, slipping off her shoes one by one. She’s still in her lovely dress, and he’s about to offer to leave so she can change, but she’s already snoring softly. He smooths down her dress and settles his hand over her womb for a moment, saying goodnight to his daughter.

 

Gently, he drops a kiss to Rey’s lips and looks down on her. His heart squeezes in his chest as he strokes her cheek. How is it possible that this woman, this incomparable woman allows him to touch her, care for her? He’s brimming with love for her, there’s no more room in his body; he must speak it.

 

His voice is so quiet when he murmurs, “I love you, Rey. I love you so much.”

 

Rey sleeps.

 

\---

 

Too keyed up to sleep, Ben lingers in the main cabin. It felt _wrong_ not to lay down next to her. The sense that he should guard them as they slumber is _strong_. The idea of her, asleep, vulnerable makes him agitated. He knows it’s irrational. Chewie certainly isn’t going to do anything to them, he’s shown himself to be fiercely protective of Rey.

 

His berth is right next door, he would be able to act should they need him. He still hates it. Looking around the space he spent so much of his childhood, he wonders how his father had let him run around like he had. He’d learned quickly that Dad let him get away with almost anything if he didn’t fuss, whereas Mom ruled with an iron fist. He can’t imagine allowing his daughter to roam as he had and he suspects he’ll be more like his mother when it comes to parenting.

 

<Boy,> Chewie howls, pulling Ben from his reverie.

 

“Uh, Chewie. Did you need something?”

 

<Done leaving mate and pup?>

 

Ben considers trying to explain that he never left them, he was just trying to respect Rey’s wishes, but as he and Rey are properly together now it seems moot. She said she was his, he said he was hers. “Yes, I’m done with that … we’ve come to an … understanding,” he says, smiling softly.

 

<Good. Boy learns. Little One learns, too.>

 

“I just want to make her happy.”

 

<Tear your arms out if you don’t> Chewie growls and Ben is fairly certain the wookiee isn’t kidding.

 

“It won’t come to that, I promise,” Ben says sincerely, looking up into Chewie’s shaggy face. His eyes are ancient and the layers of pain Ben finds there shames him.

 

He looks like he wants to warble something else but instead Chewie gruffly keens, <Corellia tomorrow. Prepare Little One, some will shun her for your pup.>

 

Watching Chewie retreat, Ben’s stomach turns. He hadn’t thought about that. It was one thing when she was as likely to reject him as to welcome him. But Chewie is right. How will they react to the partner of Kylo Ren?

 

He doesn’t go to bed until he feels the engines begin.

 

\---

 

The jolt of coming out of hyperspace pulls Rey from sleep. She checks her chrono and almost squeaks when she sees the time; it’s late morning. She doesn’t even know where they are. Jumping up from bed she’s terribly confused when she sees she’s draped in beautiful, sumptuous fabric. Then she remembers. The glorious day Ben gave her. Her flowers are cheerfully winking at her from the bedside table and she takes a moment to enjoy the soft fabric.

 

But the ship is shifting, they must be going in for their landing. She has to get dressed. In the little closet she finds her new items hanging, waiting for her. A small smile plays at her lips as she pulls the fine flax tunic to her. Then she sees a new pair of dark boots sitting on the floor.

 

How … she’d argued with him that she didn’t _need_ new boots, but here they are. She picks them up and she’s never felt leather so soft before in her life. Irritation is doused by gratitude. The futility of denying him the pleasure of looking after her is becoming more and more apparent. Stubborn man.

 

Once dressed, she looks at herself in the slim mirror and she again feels lovely. The deep green of the tunic brings out her eyes and it’s fitted at the waist, flaring out at her hips. Her leggings are a charcoal gray, fitting closely and tucked into her new boots. Wiggling her toes, she can’t quite believe how comfortable everything is.

 

There’s the telltale jerk of entering the atmosphere so she hurriedly draws a comb through her hair, no time to do anything with it.

 

Rushing out into the main cabin she finds it empty so she wanders to the cockpit, shocked to find Ben sitting towards the back. He’s not in the co-pilot’s chair, but that he’s here at all is surprising.

 

“Uhm, good morning,” she offers.

 

“Rey!” Ben exclaims, shooting to his feet. “How did you sleep, sweetheart?”

 

Her belly flips at the endearment. He manages to make it sound like she’s the most precious of jewels to him.

 

“Really well, too late though. Why didn’t you wake me?”

 

“You need your sleep. Chewie and I handled fixing the environmental systems. Turned out to be an easy fix.”

 

Rey frowns, not sure what she thinks of being left out. “Are we at Corellia then?”

 

Chewie howls, <Coronet City.> He points to the distance through the viewscreen and buildings loom at the horizon through the dark gray skies. Rey misses the sun.

 

Ben comes up to her and strokes his fingers along her cheek. “You look amazing today.” His eyes burn and she can feel answering heat building in her core. She probably shouldn’t kiss him in front of Chewie but then he startles her by darting forward and capturing her lips in a long, slow kiss. Chewie’s low growl makes them jump apart.

 

<Stop that. Little One already carries your pup. Practice for next one later,> Chewie snarls, glaring at Ben.

 

Rey can’t stop the giggle that erupts at Ben’s deep scarlet flush. He drops into the seat behind the co-pilot’s chair and sulks.

 

She shakes her head and slides in next to Chewie, helping him land.

 

\---

 

When she’d received Chewie’s message that they were joining them on Corellia, Leia had been strangely apprehensive. Commander Dameron has asked every morning and evening if there was word on Rey’s return. She’s extremely grateful that he hadn’t been in the Command Center when she’d got the call that they were landing shortly.

 

Walking as briskly as she’s able to these days, she makes her way to the landing pad. They’re lucky that there are numerous Corellian YT Freighters still flying to and from Corellia. The _Millennium Falcon_ will blend quite nicely.

 

She’s almost there when Rose Tico stops her. “General Organa?”

 

“We were cooped up on the Falcon for two weeks, you may call me Leia, Rose.”

 

The only other woman in the Resistance who doesn’t tower over her looks uncomfortable but says. “Uhm, okay … L-leia.”

 

Impatient to see what magic Chewie has wrought, Leia encourages Rose to continue speaking with a gesture of her hand.

 

“It’s just that Rey and I used to share a room, but here I was assigned a single. Would it be possible to trade with Rey’s roommate so we could share again?”

 

Damn. Leia had hoped nobody would notice her little surreptitious meddling with quarter assignments. Both Rey and her son have been assigned to their own rooms, quite close together. Chewie isn’t the only old-timer capable of judicious meddling.

 

“I’m afraid Rey has also been assigned a single.”

 

“Oh … I see.” Rose’s face absolutely crumbles and suddenly the fact that Leia is in a hurry doesn’t matter quite as much.

 

“Rose, dear, what’s wrong?”

 

The young woman begins to twist her medallion and in a flash Leia understands. Her sister. She waits for confirmation from Rose.

 

“It’s just I always shared with Paige … It’s hard to be alone.”

 

Leia wants to smack herself. She should have thought of this, but she grew up without siblings, thinking she’d been doing Rose a kindness.

 

“I can see if I can get you moved in with someone else?”

 

Rose shakes her head. “No … Rey’s special. Just anyone won’t help. Rey just … she seems to understand. It’s okay. Forget I asked,” the mechanic says with a bright smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

 

Leia looks into her face, sees the pain and offers, “Well, Rey is arriving as we speak. Would you like to come with me to greet her?”

 

“Rey’s back?” Rose asks excitedly.

 

“She is indeed.”

 

“Let’s go!” Then Rose’s eyes widen. “I mean, after you, General.”

 

Leia snorts inelegantly and corrects, “Leia”

 

“Uhm, Leia.”

 

\---

 

Just before the ramp descends, Ben stops Rey. “We might want to … be less affectionate on the base.” He’s been touching her nearly all the time since she gave her permission, but he’s not sure how the Resistance will treat Rey if she’s seen fraternizing with the enemy.

 

Even he knows he’s barely an ally and certainly not a friend. He’s here for Rey and his child, not some revelation. He still thinks the New Republic was at best silly and at worst downright corrupt. If she’s seen with him in a romantic capacity ... it could go very badly for her.

 

But Rey just looks confused and a little hurt. “You don’t want … you don’t want people to know about us? Are you ashamed of me? Is it because I’m just a scav-”

 

“No! That’s not it _at all_. I want the entire _galaxy_ to know that you’re mine.” Ben screws up his face in frustration and takes her by the shoulders. “I’m worried about how they’ll treat you if they know that we … care for each other.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes. “I’m pregnant with your baby, they’ll get over it.”

 

“Do they _know_ you’re pregnant?”

 

“Uhm, well … no. Just Finn, Poe, Chewie and your mother. And the doctor of course. BB-8 doesn’t even know.”

 

Ben only just manages not to curl his lip at the mention of Dameron and that orange sphere of frustration. “Well, they won’t like _that_ , either. Just imagine what they might say about the mother of Kylo Ren’s child.”

 

Her eyes blaze and she grabs his hand. “I don’t care! And don’t call yourself that,” she spits as she pulls him down the ramp.

 

He has a very bad feeling about this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! She always understands that I become a bouncing bag of ridiculous once I send her a chapter and is so speedy. It is such a kindness and I think the stars for you, my friend.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is back to his old self, tromping around the French Quarter and demanding quests (that's what other people call 'errands').
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm so happy to be back in my groove. Writing daily has profoundly helped my mental health, so I cannot possibly thank you enough for giving your time to my meager offerings. Was that a hint of angst I picked up, will there be more next chapter? Only the Shadow knows.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out not everyone is quite so happy about the change in Desperate Daddy and Thirsty Mama's relationship and Thirsty Mama begins to think about maybe someday (but totally not today) facing her new bae's teeny tiny murder problem.

Leia didn’t think this through. Rose stiffens next to her as Rey and Ben come down the ramp, holding hands. They’ve clearly come a long way in the three days they’ve been gone. She’s not surprised, precisely, she’d been drowning in hormones every time those two were in the same room, but she didn’t expect them to be so _public_ about it. She pinches the bridge of her nose and reminds herself that Ben always had a knack for making every situation as complicated as possible.

 

She’s bone tired after days of frenetic activity, hundereds of decisions, squabbles over duty assignments and a very determined Commander Dameron.

 

Completely unprepared, her hands reach out as Rose darts forward, a little ball of fury and pain.

 

“Get your hands off of her, you monster,” Rose snarls.

 

Leia calls after her, “Wait, no, Rose, you don’t underst-”

 

“I’ll zap you!” the fierce mechanic spits, pulling out that strange tool she’d devised. But Leia knows it packs a punch and she steps forward quickly.

 

“Rose, wait. There are things you don’t know.”

 

“There’s _nothing_ that makes this okay. Drop her hand, now!” Rose shouts, her chest heaving.

 

Rey holds him fast and harshly whispers, “ _No_!”

 

Chewie follows down the ramp and takes in the situation, howling, <Won’t kill Boy, let her.>

 

“Chewie!” gasps Rey.

 

<Boy much easier to handle unconscious,> the wookiee chortles, clearly enjoying this. Chewie always did have a perverse sense of humor. He edges past Rey and Ben, carrying bags and a huge vase of … flowers?

 

Her son just looks completely at a loss for words and it’s all Leia can do not to laugh at his confused, slightly worried expression.

 

But then Rose charges forward and Ben’s bearing changes in an instant, his eyes growing feral. Stepping in front of Rey swiftly, his hand snaps up and now Rose is trapped mid-stride.

 

Ben snarls, “Never come near Rey with a weapon again. I _will_ kill you.”

 

“Son,” Leia calls softly and his murderous expression shifts to something like contrition but he doesn’t release the grieving sister.

 

“I mean it, Mother.”

 

“I know you do. Rose would never hurt Rey,” Leia says with placating hands.

 

Rey steps forward, putting a gentle hand on Ben’s arm. “Please, let my friend go.”

 

Again Leia has to marvel at the effect Rey has on her only child. Everything about him softens and the love in his eyes is humbling. He releases Rose, who stumbles forward, falling to her knees. With a flick of his fingers, Rose’s makeshift zapper flies at least 20 feet away.

 

Rose gets to her feet unsteadily, confusion on her face. “Rey?” she asks with betrayal in her tone.

 

Rey walks forward and Ben growls, “Stop. I don’t trust her.”

 

She glares at him and says, “Well I do. Everything is fine.” Then her expression turns to affection. “She’s just confused. I need to explain.”

 

Continuing on her path towards Rose, Rey says, “Let's go somewhere we can talk. It will make sense. I promise.”

 

But Rose isn’t quite finished yet. She looks at Ben with hatred. “Your _friends_ killed my sister and someday I’m going to make all of them pay,” she promises with low ferocity.

 

Leia braces for her son to say something unforgivable, but instead he cocks his head. “They are no longer my comrades. I’ve left the First Order. I will help you make them pay.”

 

“I’ll believe it when I see it, Kylo Ren.”

 

Ben’s flinch confuses and pleases Leia and she says, “Rose, please take Rey to your room so you’ll have privacy to discuss this.”

 

“Yes, General Organa,” Rose agrees, keeping her cold eyes on Ben.

 

Rey looks back at Ben and they hold each other’s eyes for a long time before she softly says, “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

 

His face nearly cracks wide open with pain and the helpless fear Leia sees hurts.

 

“I … I need you safe,” he almost begs.

 

Now Rey goes back to him and holds his hands. “I am safe. I promise. We both are. I need to talk to Rose.”

 

He purses his lips and finally nods his head once.

 

Rey returns to Rose, who puts her arm through Rey’s and starts to lead her away.

 

Her son watches them leave and seems to almost be vibrating with the need to follow. Well, she’d known he was in deep, but somehow it’s all at the surface now. She’ll have to corner Chewie for drinks later. She must know what in the galaxy happened between the fiery couple.

 

Leia sighs when she realizes he’s still staring after Rey once they’re long gone, a tight, forlorn expression on his face.

 

\---

 

Rey looks around the twist and turns of the massive mine as Rose leads them on. There are doors over what look to be old caverns and eventually they stop in front of a hastily cobbled together example. She glides her hand over the clear signs of welding done in a hurry.

 

“We’ve been putting up doors since we got here. There’s plenty of space for everyone, but no privacy.” Rose opens the door and beckons Rey to follow her.

 

Inside is an almost round space, the walls uneven, clearly having been mined. The leftover surface is crystalline in nature, an amber color.

 

“Uhm, so this is my room.”

 

Rey looks around and only sees one bed. “But …” Rey frowns.

 

“The general said you have your own room, too. I guess we have more space here.”

 

She’s not quite sure how to feel about that. While she’d still been … wary of her new Resistance friends, only truly believing in Finn and Leia, she _likes_ Rose. She likes Rose a lot. And … not being alone in the night … she’s grown used to having someone else there. Her whole life she’d wanted people to care about, to care about her, and Rose seems to have become one of them when she wasn’t looking.

 

And Rey knows about Rose’s nightmares, the same way Rose knows about hers. They never talk about them, just wake each other up and keep the light on for the rest of the night. Sometimes they scoot their beds a little closer. Once they’d held hands all night when they’d both had particularly vivid memories haunt their sleep.

 

“Are you … are you okay alone?” Rey asks.

 

Rose shrugs. “It’s probably good for me,” she says cryptically. But then her fierce expression returns. “Why were you letting Kylo Ren hold your hand?” she accuses.

 

“It’s a long story,” Rey begins slowly.

 

“I just got off my shift, I have time.”

 

How can Rey explain this to Rose? With Finn she has this deep connection she can’t quite explain. A bit like how she imagines it would feel to have a brother. But Rose? Rose is probably her first friend. A friend like other people have. Will she shun her? Hate her?

 

She hasn’t thought about all the things Ben has done since they left Shenden. But now it’s like Ben has split into two people in her mind. He’s Ben Solo. He shed Kylo Ren. Though … has he? The way he moved straight to intimidation and the Force … concerns her.

 

Rey sighs heavily and drops to the floor, sitting cross-legged. It’s made of the same mineral and has an uneven texture. Folding her hands, Rey says, “Well, I guess the first thing you need to know is that I’m … I’m pregnant.”

 

Rose had been standing stiffly, but at this her mouth gapes open and she joins Rey on the floor. “But … I thought … I mean unless something changed in the last three days, which we would really need to talk about, I thought you’d never …”

 

Rey scrunches up her face. How is she going to make this make sense? “I still haven’t.”

 

“But … how, when?!”

 

“When is easy; 12 weeks ago. How … well, I guess I need to explain about Ben.”

 

“Ben, who’s Ben?” Rose asks, looking even more perplexed.

 

“Ben Solo … Leia’s son. You know him as … Kylo Ren.”

 

Rose just blinks, her eyes comically wide. “I think I better just let you explain.”

 

\---

 

Leia watches as Ben’s fist clench and unclench; she sees the moment he breaks. Swiftly, she steps in front of him to keep him from running after Rey.

 

“No, Ben.”

 

“But that woman threatened Rey!”

 

“No, Rose threatened _you_.”

 

He scoffs. “You know Rey, she’d jump in front of me without even thinking. I tried to talk to her about being less obvious about how things have … changed, she dragged me down the ramp after glaring at me.”

 

Leia bites her lips to suppress an amused smile. “That does sound like Rey. Fierce thing, isn’t she?”

 

“I just … I need to know she’s safe.”

 

“Son, what do you think is going to happen on the Resistance base with one of her only true friends?”

 

His expression becomes positively lethal. “Dameron is one of those friends. Forgive me for being suspicious.”

 

Leia sighs. “Yes … Poe has been making a nuisance of himself. But it’s only because he cares about her. He’ll back off once he understands that there’s no future there. Because it seems to me that you and Rey have … overcome your differences?”

 

The small smile that creeps onto his face, slow and tentative tells Leia all she needs to know. He looks like the boy she raised, his eyes full of devotion and sparkling with adoration.

 

“She … she’s letting me in, Mom.”

 

Leia suppresses a gasp at hearing him call her that. When she’d helped him after his breakdown she’d thought it was only because of his deep pain, a vestigial reaction of a boy needing his mother. But this … somehow she thinks maybe more than Rey and Ben’s relationship has changed.

 

She keeps all of that from her face however, and smiles broadly. “I’m so glad. It’s obvious that you love her.”

 

He looks startled. “Is it?”

 

Leia rolls her eyes. “I’ve known since I first saw you look at her. But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

 

She hasn’t seen his face this open since he was a boy. “I just … I need her. All the time, I need her.”

 

“I know, I can see that. But … I can’t have you using the Force like that. You’re lucky it’s mid-day and everyone is in the mess. You’re strong, but even you probably couldn’t handle everyone at once, certainly not without casualties.”

 

His shoulders fall. “You’re right. I know you are. But … it’s _Rey_ , my child. I have to keep them safe.”

 

“They’re in no danger here. I promise. Please try to accept that.”

 

His face is tense and wary, but he says, “Alright … I’ll try.” His face clears. “Where is my new _cell_?” he asks with a raised brow.

 

“Well, you aren’t going in a cell. I just need your word that you won’t hurt anyone and I’ll take you to your assigned quarters.”

 

Leia’s a bit proud of herself for managing to stun him silent as he blinks repeatedly.

 

“ _And_ , you’ll be happy to know that Rey is right across the corridor.”

 

Now his brows shoot up. “She is?”

 

“I hope we’re here for quite some time. She’s going to need your support more and more as the pregnancy goes on.”

 

Ben looks down for a long time. His voice is barely a whisper when he murmurs, “Thank you, Mom.”

 

\---

 

“Wait, so he’s the dad but you never did … _it_?”

 

Rey blushes, not sure why it’s so hard to talk about. “No.”

 

“Thank the Maker, I thought when you were holding his hand that meant you were _together_. But it’s just because you two share a child. That’s all there is to this … right?” Rose asks, clearly needing an answer she can’t give.

 

“I … no, Rose … I think … I think I love him.”

 

Rose jumps to her feet and screeches, “Have you lost your mind? He’s a murderous beast! He’s probably killed hundreds, thousands of people! I get that you had no choice about getting pregnant with his … his … ugh I don’t even want to think about it. But you can’t, you can’t just forgive him for everything! You’re smarter than that!”

 

The ferocity on Rose’s face makes something squirm in Rey’s belly and she starts to understand what Ben was saying. To her, he might be Ben, her daughter’s papa, the man who makes her shudder with desire … but Rose is right. To everyone else, he’s done heinous things, things they’ve never talked about. Things she doesn’t know. He killed Han. What else might there be?

 

That’s the past, she frantically reminds herself. With her he’s gentle, kind, so generous. He’s the first person to make her feel truly safe in her whole life. They … they just have to talk more. Everything will be alright.

 

“Rose, I know you don’t understand, but … he’s my daughter’s father. He’s going to be part of my life no matter what. And we … we … we understand each other.”

 

“A daughter? You’re having a girl?”

 

“Yeah … I can already sort of communicate with her in the Force.”

 

Rose nods. “I … that’s really great. I, uhm. Congratulations, I guess.” Then her friend grimaces before screwing up her face. “I don’t understand, but … I guess it’s none of my business. I’ll be there for you. I used to help the midwife where I grew up.”

 

“Thank you Rose,” Rey says sincerely.

 

Rose’s face is conflicted. “I won’t talk to him.”

 

“You don’t have to.” Rey is just happy Rose will still talk to _her_.

 

“And he better not try to sit with me at meals.”

 

“That’s fine,” Rey says, a bit of hope swelling in her chest. She’s not going to have to choose.

 

\---

 

His mother had shown him to his quarters and had told him she would make sure to get him a datapad loaded with holobooks on pregnancy. When he’d asked if there was anything he needed to know urgently, she’d said, “Good luck with the second trimester!” and had giggled all the way down the hall. It was a bit disturbing.

 

Now he sits on a chair that’s seen better days, looking around. The amber, crystalline walls are appealing, the light from the hastily attached fixtures making the walls almost glow. He’ll need to ask his mother what the mineral that was mined was called, as he would have thought it to be the crystals growing from the walls, but this mine was obviously abandoned long ago.

 

If Rey’s quarters are like his, he’s going to want to take her to one of the shopping districts soon. It’s bare and stark, nothing comforting outside of its spare beauty. She should have pillows and warm blankets. Perhaps a rug.

 

He doesn’t know what to do with himself other than wait and listen for Rey. He’ll get his duty assignment tomorrow and dinner isn’t for another few hours. Stretches of unoccupied time have historically … not been good for him.

 

Being away from Rey has his teeth on edge. He could nudge her through the Force, but everything is still so new. He doesn’t want to make her feel he’s invaded her privacy. But he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that he’s worried about what that Rose person is saying about him. Rey … Rey doesn’t know much about what he’s done and he’s certain the Resistance has a long list of his crimes.

 

She should hear it from him, what he’s done. Why he’d done the things he has. There’s no excuse, but he hopes she can understand how it all came so grotesquely undone. The time with Rey on the _Falcon_ had allowed him to push away the growing guilt. The more time since his mind again became his own, the more he’s filled with horror at himself.

 

How did he become … _that_ , that _monster_?

 

If only she never had to know. Once she does … no, he can’t think about that. She said that she’s his, wants him to be hers. Rey’s strong. Rey’s the most compassionate person he’s ever met. She won’t leave him. She won’t ...

 

Standing, he strips off his shirt and drops to the floor, intent on doing so many push-ups his brain will leave him alone. He knows the places it can take him.

 

\---

 

Rey had spent the afternoon with Rose, trying to move past the awkwardness. She’d wanted to ask Rose about what happens between men and women but given how green she’d looked when Rey admitted that Ben had kissed her, she’d decided that wasn’t a good idea.

 

Everything had made so much sense when she woke up this morning. She wants Ben. Ben wants her. Simple. Easy. Now though, it seems so much more complicated. How will Poe react? Will Finn be accepting to the change in their relationship? What about the rest of the Resistance?

 

Eventually, she and Rose had fallen into their normal pattern, the older girl sharing all the gossip from the Resistance; who was interested in who, what the new recruits were like, even the favorite tavern that the pilots snuck out to visit. It had been good. Nice.

 

Now she’s standing outside of Ben’s door, feeling oddly nervous. WIll he be upset she stayed away so long? Should she have told him? They’ve been together non-stop for days and it feels odd to have been away for hours. Her baby has been restless. Not unhappy, exactly, just … less content.

 

Since she and Ben had really talked for the first time, after his nightmare, the child has been almost silent. As far as Rey can tell, she’s been sleeping most of the time. Which, given how … _physical_ she and Ben had become is ideal. Because Rey isn’t nearly done exploring him.

 

She wishes she knew more. More about Ben’s history, more about what to expect … just _more_. Though the thought of knowing just how experienced he is makes her vaguely ill, she knows it’s something she’s going to have to ask him. Later. But … the deaths, the violence … she needs to talk to him about that soon.

 

Huffing a frustrated breath she raises her hand to knock on his door, but it opens before she even has the opportunity.

 

“Ben!” she gasps out. Then her eyes narrow. “How did you know I was here?”

 

He looks down on his feet and rubs the back of neck. “I was listening for you.”

 

Confusedly she remarks, “But I hadn’t even knocked …”

 

“Through the Force. If I focus I can feel when you’re near.”

 

“Oh. You weren’t peeking?”

 

His brows draw together and hurt shows in his eyes. “No, I … I’ve told you I don’t do that.” He doesn’t sound frustrated, just sad.

 

Realizing they haven’t greeted each other properly, she asks, “May I come in?”

 

Eyes bulging he steps back, “Of course … I … You’re always welcome, please know that.”

 

“Okay,” she says stiltedly, not liking the distance that seems to have sprung up between them.

 

They stand in the middle of his room and Rey looks around. The silence stretches and Rey refuses to let things go back to how they were on Shenden. She steps up to him and he starts when she wraps her arms around him.

 

“Oh,” she says with disappointment, starting to step back. “You don’t want … I thought … but if you’d rather I did-”

 

He silences her with a searing kiss, kissing her so thoroughly she almost can’t breathe. Then he holds her so tightly she thinks he might crush her.

 

His voice is desperate, needy, _afraid_ , when he speaks raggedly into her ear, “I missed you. I hated being away from you. I didn’t know where you were, how to contact you, if you were safe.”

 

“Ben, I’m fine, I’m fine,” she soothes.

 

“I don’t … I don’t like not knowing how to find you.”

 

“Why didn’t you reach out in the Force?”

 

“For the same reason you thought I peeked. You don’t … you don’t entirely trust me yet, even if you say you do.”

 

“Oh.” That makes a hard little spot in her chest burn with shame because he’s right. She wonders all the time about him. She doesn’t want to … but she does. “I want to trust you completely. I want to so badly.”

 

“I know you do. We’ll get there. Just … I just need to know how to find you.”

 

“You can use the Force. I won’t … I won’t be mad. I wouldn’t have minded today.” He’s actually trembling and she cards her fingers through his hair. “What did you think would happen to me?”

 

“I didn’t know. That was the point. I could think of so many things. What if your friend decided to take her revenge on me through our child? What if Dameron cornered you?”

 

“Ben, no-”

 

He continues as if he hasn’t heard her. “I tried to distract myself, I did. I think I must have done 300 push-ups. It didn’t help. Meditation was worse than useless-”

 

“Stop, I understand. I’m sorry I didn’t come find you sooner. This is all so new, I just … I didn’t think.”

 

He’s still clinging to her and she keeps running her fingers through his soft, shiny hair. He quiets and seems to sag in her arms, giving himself over to her ministrations.

 

“I was afraid you’d changed your mind once you’d talked with Rose,” he says so quietly she can barely hear him.

 

Rey pulls back and holds his face in her hands. He’s eyes are pleading and still edged with fear. “No … Ben, no. I’m not going to change my mind. This is what I want. You’re _who_ I want.”

 

Then he’s kissing her again and nothing matters but the feel of his lips and how his hands are _everywhere_.

 

It’s as if he’s trying to assure himself she’s really here, standing with him in the middle of his room. A huge part of her wants to push him towards his bed, find out what would happen if she ground herself down on the growing hardness against her stomach.

 

Their eyes fly wide as they both feel their daughter unfurl her energy in the Force and Ben steps back quickly.

 

_Papa! Mama!_

 

Her joyous energy twirls within them and Rey can’t help it, she starts to giggle. Ben however, he looks completely aghast.

 

_Happy! Mama … Papa …_

 

She’s still not using words, exactly, more just waves of emotions that somehow make sense. Her burbling laughter tickles along their senses and while Rey grins, only a twitch of a smile tugs at Ben’s kiss-swollen lips. He still looks mildly horrified.

 

“She’s just happy we’re together. It’s been a long afternoon. I think she missed having both of us.”

 

Ben returns to her side and tentatively reaches out his hand; Rey takes it, placing it snuggly across her abdomen. His hand is huge, spanning her entire belly and something about that makes her feel oddly secure.

 

“Do you think … do you think she can sense when we … uh … want each other?” he asks with adorably flushed cheeks.

 

“I don’t think so, not really. She was restless this afternoon; I think she was sensing your … concern. She’s so tuned to you. I should have known something was wrong …” she trails off.

 

“I’ll work on that … I know I can’t have you with me all the time, much as I may wish it.”

 

She places her hand over his and looks up into his eyes and he seems less frantic, more himself.

 

“I missed you, too,” Rey admits softly.

 

“Good,” he says smugly before stealing a chaste kiss.

 

_PapaMamaPapaMamaPapaMamaHappyHappyHappy_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare who even reads when out running errands. How committed is that?
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who shares me with my muse with such grace.
> 
> Thank you readers! You are just so fantastic! And you crack me up so, so much with your comments. Mwa, mwa, mwa!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy manages to invite the Green Eyed Monster to dinner and Thirsty Mama finally blurts out her fears about the 'other women'. Space Suitor the Second makes mischief, as he does.

“Come on, it’s time for dinner,” she exclaims, grabbing Ben’s hand and pulling him to the door. But he doesn’t come, holding firm as she tugs at him.

 

“Ben?”

 

His face is wary and he carefully says, “Your friend, Rose, she won’t be the only person with … opinions about me.”

 

“I don’t care,” she says stubbornly.

 

“A point for which I’m very grateful. However … are you certain you wouldn’t wish to appear less … involved with me?”

 

Sighing, she says, “It won’t matter. This place is worse than a small town, and everyone knew _everything_ in Niima. We could try to sneak around ...” She frowns at that. “But it would only buy us a few days at best. No, I’m carrying your child and everyone is just going to have to get used to it.”

 

He smiles but then his expression grows concerned. “I don’t want you to suffer because of … what I’ve done.”

 

His shoulders hunch and his face is marred with pain. For some reason, his obvious guilt makes Rey feel better about not knowing much about his past. She may not have an exhaustive idea of all of the blood on his hands, but she knows he deeply regrets it. She remembers his howls as he sobbed over his father.

 

She places her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat; it’s a bit faster than normal. “I know there’s much I don’t yet understand. I hope you’ll tell me. But for now, I’m not going to try to hide who you are to me. You’re … you’re … mine. That’s all there is to it.”

 

His face is still tight with worry but her words make him smile and he finally nods his acceptance.

 

“Good. Now come on, I’m famished!”

 

\---

 

The loud conversations and clanging utensils quiet quickly once they arrive. She’s kept Ben’s hand in hers the whole way to the mess hall and now she sees gesturing and rapid whispers moving all over the mess hall.

 

A big, burly man—one of the hangar workers, comes up to them and points to their joined hands. “What’s this? You Kylo Ren’s _girlfriend_ now, _Jedi_?”

 

She can feel Ben coil to strike and she knows he’s seconds from doing _something_ to this hothead. Rey almost wants to let him, but that won’t help matters.

 

“If you must know, this is Ben Solo. The general’s _son_. And yes, I’m his … girlfriend.” She trips a bit over the word, it’s all wrong for their situation.

 

But Ben is looking at her with a pleased sort of smugness. He likes that she’d called herself his _girlfriend_?

 

The mention of Leia had done its job, and the man moves on quickly, with only a dirty look thrown over his shoulder; Rey lets out a slow breath. One down, at least 200 to go.

 

Pulling Ben behind her, she takes him to the back of the line and pushes him forward. He moves to stand behind her instead and keeps a protective hand at her back, his other reaching for a tray. She wants to tell him she’s perfectly safe; no one here would hurt her.

 

There’s tension all around them, little furtive glances. But no one does anything but glare occasionally.

 

At least there’s mashed tor root today. She glances up at the woman serving it, realizing she’s a new recruit. Rey takes an immediate dislike to her. Taller than herself, she also has lush curves and lustrous red hair. The woman looks just like the women she imagines Ben has been with. A full, pouty mouth, wide hips to hold onto, large, round breasts that strain against her jumpsuit.

 

Tor root doesn’t sound so appealing any longer and she moves past her, a sick, ugly feeling wriggling inside her chest.

 

Sensing that Ben isn’t staying close, she looks to her right and sees him just standing there, boldly staring at that tart’s huge breasts. The woman catches Rey’s eyes, winks, and the floor falls out from under her. Her eyes quickly fill with tears and she blinks them away, breathing through her nose.

 

Fury and sorrow war in her chest. She wants to drag him away and slap him for ogling another woman, but insecurity’s hooks are into her too swiftly. Would she have looked like that if she’d had enough to eat? Is she so scrawny because she could never manage to scavenge enough?

 

Ben is again at her side, his hand replaced at her back as he guides her to an empty table. She doesn’t even really notice where they’re going. But he’s taking her tray from her and placing it in front of her seat. His eyes are worried and it’s all she can do not to snort. He’s the one who was looking at another woman. A prettier woman. And now he looks worried about _her_?

 

“Rey, did that man bother you?” he asks, danger weaving in his tone.

 

“What? No. It’s … it’s nothing.” Suddenly she feels like a child and she won’t let him know how much he’s hurt her. Who cares if he looks? It’s not like he touched her. She carries his daughter. She’s special. He says he wants her. _But for how long?_

 

“Is it what he said, about you being my … girlfriend?”

 

Rey almost doesn’t understand. Why would she care about that? It doesn’t even begin to explain their situation, but at least it might keep that red-headed trollop away from him. On some level she knows she has to talk to him about this. She knows he didn’t choose her any more than she chose him.

 

_Except she did_. She got into that coffin-like pod and sent herself to hell. For him.

 

\---

 

The food is utterly appalling. There’s nothing fresh, all reconstituted, and what is this sludge supposed to be? It looks like some sort of mashed root vegetable. He has to stop in the line, thinking hard, his eyes unseeing.

 

Rey can’t eat this! She needs fruit and fresh vegetables, the best he can find for her. Why hasn’t the doctor prescribed her a special diet? It’s all just slop. Eventually he realizes he’s simply standing there when an irritated Resistance woman clears her throat. He keeps moving and grimaces when one of the food-servers slathered with makeup smiles at him grotesquely.

 

He hurries along, trying to find _anything_ that could be adequate for Rey and his child, making sure to add more of anything not completely revolting to his plate. She needs to eat more than she’d selected for herself.

 

Catching up to Rey, he immediately notices her stiff shoulders. Something is wrong. Maybe facing what they think of him is too much for her. He probably should have asked his mother about taking his meals in his room. Though, then he wouldn’t know how inadequate the food is for a pregnant woman.

 

Rey seems almost dazed, so he chooses a table and nudges her forward with his hand at her back.

 

He’d felt giddy when she’d said she was his girlfriend. It’s juvenile, but it made him puff up with male pride to have her claim him so readily. He wants something much more permanent, but he will happily take girlfriend. It implies exclusivity and while he thinks that’s already clear, he’s not entirely certain.

 

Rey’s face is twisted in pain and he knows something is very wrong. She’s said it’s nothing, but … he has to know, so he asks if it’s because of that man calling her his girlfriend. She just sort of blinks at him, like she doesn’t understand the question.

 

He’s about to try again when his hackles rise. The Force thrums with _threat_.

 

“Rey, come away from him,” Dameron orders in a low, firm voice. He’s behind Rey’s back and his fists are clenched. Finn is behind him, his eyes moving between Rey, Dameron, and himself.

 

The fog clears and Rey turns her head over her shoulder, looking back at _the pilot._ She sighs and says, “I’m fine, honestly. But you’re welcome to join us once you get your food.” Her tone is dull.

 

Finn starts to move as if to take her up on her offer when Dameron puts a hand on his chest, stopping him. “All the credits in the galaxy wouldn’t be enough to make me share a table with that sadistic piece of trash,” Dameron snarls, jerking his head towards Ben. He’s really going to have to do something about this idiot.

 

“Fine,” Rey says through gritted teeth.

 

Finn tries to pull at his _friend_. “Come on, Poe-”

 

“No! You don’t know what he _did_ to me. And everyone around here is crazy to let him anywhere near her!” Ben might have felt badly for ripping into Dameron’s mind at one point, but not any longer.

 

“I _want_ to be here,” Rey hisses fiercely, making him feel a bit better about her strange behavior.

 

“Exactly. He can do all sorts of things with that mumbo jumbo, tear things from your head. Who says he can’t put something in there, too, huh?”

 

Ben is about to point out that that’s never been one of his skills when she jumps to her feet and pokes her finger at Dameron. “I do!”

 

“Rey, please listen to me; you’re just confused. You don’t know what you’re saying.” Finn and Ben exchange looks. It would seem Dameron might take care of himself.

 

“You don’t choose for me,” she spits.

 

“Oh, so he does?” Dameron yells, pointing at Ben and Ben’s brows rise. No, he won’t have to do a thing. Finn is frantically shaking his head.

 

Rey’s eyes narrow and she says in a disgusted voice, “I’ve lost my appetite.” She strides away, not even looking back at Ben.

 

He sits there for a moment, not sure what to do. Should he follow? She’d seemed genuinely upset, maybe he should let her cool down? But he spent the whole afternoon away from her, and she has to eat.

 

Decision made, he stands swiftly, putting her plate on his own tray. He starts after her when Dameron steps in front of him.

 

“Stay away from her,” he growls.

 

Oh, how he wants to just Force push this fool across the room. Instead, he slowly places his tray back on the table and turns to face Poe Dameron.

 

Very clearly he enunciates, “No.”

 

“You’re willing to drag her and her daughter down with you? Very selfless of you.”

 

That lands a hit, but Ben keeps it off of his face. If he were a better man he never would have come, never made his child bear the burden of who her father is. But he’s not, and he’s certain he’s a better man for Rey than this unstable flyboy.

 

Pitching his voice low, he darkly threatens through clenched teeth, “Listen very carefully, _pilot_. I can always get to you and no one would ever know it was me. One little Force pinch to just the right artery and it’s permanent night for Poe Dameron. _Leave my family alone_.”

 

With that, he steps around Dameron, making sure to slam his shoulder into the man who dares to try to get between him and Rey. He leaves the tray behind; he’ll just venture out later to find her something better.

 

\---

 

Furious tears fall down her face. How dare Poe talk to her like that? Like she can’t make her own decisions? She thought he was better than that. In the back of head she knows it’s just that he’s worried for her, but did he have to be so _condescending_?

 

And Ben! Looking at that woman right in front of her. Couldn’t he see how cruel that was? Right after he’d been _so_ panicked because he didn’t know how to find her, what does he do? Stare at the next set of tits he comes across.

 

Yes, this is better. Angry, she wants to get angry. Anger burns in a way that doesn’t hurt. Rounding the last corner before her corridor she hears boots pounding and she turns to find Ben racing towards her.

 

“Rey! Are you alright?” he asks, stopping in front of her.

 

“Like you care!” she yells.

 

His head pulls back in shock. “What?”

 

“I thought I meant something to you!”

 

“You do! Gods, you mean everything to me; you both do,” he declares desperately, trying to reach for her hands. She shoves her hands behind her back and looks at him warningly.

 

He looks so sincere and it twists the knife. How can she trust him if he can want another woman one moment then tell her she means everything to him the next?

 

“Right,” she scoffs.

 

“Rey, I don’t understand. What did I do?”

 

Sniffling, she says, “I saw you.”

 

“Saw me what?” He looks utterly perplexed.

 

“I saw you looking at that woman’s breasts!” she almost wails.

 

Ben blinks and opens and closes his mouth a few times. Carefully, he says, “I didn’t.”

 

“Don’t lie! I saw you!”

 

“I swear, I didn’t.” He purses his lips before continuing, “And frankly, I’m getting rather tired of you accusing me of things then not believing me. What, precisely do you think you saw?”

 

“The server, the beautiful one. You just stood there, staring at her tits!”

 

He looks horrified. “What? No, no-”

 

“I know I’m not as pretty as all of the others. I know I’m too skinny, but I thought, maybe that that didn’t matter to you.”

 

“Wait, hold on. I’m extremely confused and I need a moment to put this all together.” He scrubs at his face and Rey stands there with a hurt, mulish expression.

 

After a moment he looks to the ceiling before piercing her with keen eyes. “The mashed root vegetables. Was she the woman serving that?”

 

“Yes,” she affirms shortly, her arms crossed in front of her.

 

“I was _thinking_. I don’t know where my eyes landed, I was upset that the food wasn’t nearly good enough for my twin stars.”

 

That gets her, and she lets out a sob. He wasn’t looking at another woman? He was worried about her?

 

“So you … you didn’t think she was prettier?”

 

He throws his hands in the air. “Rey, I honestly couldn’t pick her out of a group if I had to. She didn’t even register. You’re the most beautiful, perfect creature I’ve ever seen.”

 

She frowns. That can’t possibly be true, he’s just trying to make her feel better. “I’m sure at least a few of the others were … better.”

 

“You keep saying that. Who are these others you’re talking about?”

 

“All the women you’ve been with, of course,” she admits with a little shrug.

 

\---

 

Ben can’t say a word for a quite some time. She thinks … she thinks he’s been with other women? The thought is abhorrent. He’s only ever wanted _her_. “I haven’t been with other women, Rey.”

 

Her brows furrow and her eyes fill with confusion. “But … you’re older, you … you …” she stutters out.

 

“Yes, I _am_ older, but that doesn’t change that you’re the only woman I want to be with. That I hope will be the only woman I’m _ever_ with,” he responds, his voice heavy with meaning.

 

“But … but … look at you!” she bursts out.

 

He looks down at himself, trying to figure out what she means. All he sees is the nondescript clothing he’d purchased on Eshara. He looks up at her with a questioning expression.

 

Rolling her eyes she says, “Seriously? You’re gorgeous.”

 

He can’t help it, he chokes out a short, mirthless laugh. He knows what he looks like. The other children in school always made him _quite_ aware of it. “It’s sweet of you to say, but I have occasionally looked in a mirror.” Even he hears he self-loathing in his tone.

 

The confusion and conflict clears from her face, replaced with a sad sort of kindness. “Oh, Ben … no, no … you’re beautiful.”

 

He realizes she’s serious and he doesn’t know what to say. She steps up to him and reaches for him, one arm going around his neck and the other hand stroking his cheek. “You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. Everything about you, your hands, your body, your eyes … everything.”

 

Somehow, her words go straight to his softest, most vulnerable places and he feels his eyes glaze with unshed tears. She’s reached inside and found an aching wound, and somehow she’s soothing it closed with her light.

 

Shuddering, he pulls her into his arms and buries his face in her hair. “Thank you,” he murmurs against the skin of where her neck meets her shoulder. Rey is made of finer stuff than he will ever be and he knows he has to pull himself together. He needs to clear up this business about there being others—quickly.

 

He shifts so that he may see her face, blotchy from crying. Now he’s the one to stroke her cheek and he says, “I need to very clear with you. Until you, I’d never cared much for … passion. It simply didn’t interest me. But then you exploded into my life and turned absolutely everything upside down. For the first time I wanted. And oh, how desperately I want you. The first time we kissed, that was the first time I’d kissed _anyone_.”

 

“You mean, it’s really true? You … no one else has touched you like I do?”

 

“Only you, my l-darling.”

 

For a moment her eyes look haunted, but then it’s replaced by that damning confusion. “But why me? I’m nothing.”

 

He closes his eyes briefly against the pain. The time is now, she needs to know. “I wish I’d never said that to you.” He sighs heavily. But then he smiles softly down on her. “Why you? It’s actually quite simple.”

 

“How,” she asks, seeming to hang on his words as if he held the answers to the very cosmos.

 

“Because I love you, Rey.”

 

She gasps and her eyes go wide, then a tentative, shy smile pulls at her lips and she says, “I hoped you might.”

 

He’s getting lost in her eyes, so happy to have finally given his feelings voice that he doesn’t respond.

 

“Do you know why I hoped?”

 

Drawing closer to her lips, he continues to stroke his fingers along the silk of her skin. “Hmmm, why?” _Oh my love, my darling love …_

 

Her face grows serious, but still so open. She whispers, “Because I love you, too.”

 

“Wh-what?” he stutters out. Had she really just said that she … she … she loves him? No, he must have misheard.”

 

Softly, with aching sincerity she repeats, “I love you.”

 

Dear Maker, she really did say it. His whole world turns on its axis as he finally hears her. “You love me,” he repeats dumbly.

 

“Mmmhmm,” she murmurs with a smile.

 

He answers with his own wide, deliriously happy smile. “Rey …” he breathes out.

 

“Ben …” Her endless hazel eyes beckon him and he’s completely under her spell.

 

He has no idea who moved first, but their lips crash together and they’re kissing heatedly, both trying to infuse their caress with their feelings. It winds through him lazily at first, but then his fingers tighten against her, pulling her as close as he can.

 

Rey loves him!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you my lovely ArtemisBare. I'm sorry I got it to you so late. The chapters are getting longer and I think I'm going to have to stop futzing around on Tumblr until 10:00 if I wanna stick with this chapter-a-day business.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! Tonight he brought me wine, a selection of cheeses, and bread while I was sitting in our back yard enjoying the rain. Now that's decadence.
> 
> Thank you readers! I keep forgetting to say two things: Dicknotized is not mine, a Jamy98 left it in a comment on 'Thwarted' a while back; everyone's reaction to 'orange sphere of frustration' brought me so much joy. I think each and every one of you is the absolute best. Thank you so much for riding the Ben Solo Pain Train!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grateful Grandma gets word that Desperate Daddy and Thirsty Mama are reenacting her marriage to Ghost Grandpa in the hallways. Then Desperate Daddy gets to touch boobs; he somehow survives the experience.

“General Organa!” Lieutenant Connix calls out urgently.

 

Leia moves to the young officer’s console as Connix removes her headset. “What is it, Lieutenant?”

 

“Well … ma’am, apparently your son and Rey are making a scene in the corridors. People are reporting yelling.”

 

Rolling her eyes, Leia just barely keeps from snapping. “And? Does it typically require a general’s response when a couple fights?”

 

Connix looks away furtively. “It’s just that … people are afraid. For her. He’s Ky-” Leia looks at her sharply. “He’s, well, _you know_!” she finishes in a loud whisper.

 

Of course she’s dismayed to hear that they’re fighting, but she’s not particularly surprised. Her boy comes by verbal sparring honestly and she suspects both he and Rey will come to almost enjoy it. She certainly did. But the lieutenant is right, Ben angry in public will not help him find his way within the Resistance.

 

Leia pinches the bridge of her nose. “Alright, fine. Where are they?”

 

“Outside of Kyl-” Connix stops herself before continuing, “I mean your son’s quarters.”

 

Feeling a stabbing pang, Leia softly corrects, “Ben, his name is Ben Solo.”

 

Connix’s brown eyes soften, “Yes, ma’am.”

 

\---

 

As Leia walks, she thinks the corridors of the mine look a bit like they had on Hoth, carved out of crystal instead of ice. She can just imagine Ben and Rey sniping at each other like she and Han had. She was always mortified when she would later remember how Rebellion personnel had had to step around them as they screamed at each other.

 

No man has ever made her blood boil _or_ sing like Han Solo had. Oh, there had been men who’d caught her eye. She’d even fancied herself in love once. But once she had met Han, she’d realized what true love was.

 

True love was threatening to blow up an entire room full of bounty hunters and Hutts and _meaning_ it because a life without her heart just wasn’t possible.

 

It was having a worthy opponent and knowing she could let all of herself show because he accepted every single bit of her, and she him.

 

It was knowing the difference between what Han _said_ and what Han _meant_ because she knew _him_.

 

She has to stop a moment and lean against the uneven, amber wall and breathe through the sudden abyss that opens in her chest as she remembers Han’s last words to her.

 

_Some things never change._

 

Just as the first time he had told her he loved her, the last was without the actual words. He rarely said them, but she felt them every day in his eyes, his hands … across the light years. And now from beyond the void.

 

Pressing her palm to her chest, trying to hold her aching spirit together, memory pulls her down to one of her worst and best memories.

 

Her heart had been breaking when he’d held her eyes, looking only at her as they’d lowered him into the carbonite freezing chamber. Steadfast and true, piercing blue eyes showing her his soul. A soul shaped to fit with hers.

 

“Oh, Han,” she whispers.

 

_I know._

 

\---

 

After taking a few minutes to pull herself together, she continues on, expecting to hear raised voices any moment. But as she nears their rooms, she’s confused by the silence.

 

Then she’s decidedly _not_.

 

Her son looks like he’s attempting to swallow Rey whole, pushing her back against the corridor. His giant body dwarfs hers and Rey is clearly quite happy with the situation. Leia only just manages to keep from laughing out loud. They really are so like her and Han.

 

She waits for them to come to their senses; surely they’ll realize they’re in a public hallway soon. Her eyebrows rise when Rey makes a particularly filthy moan. When her only child’s hands wander to grasp Rey’s backside and begin to lift her, Leia clears her throat loudly.

 

Yes, she wants their relationship to progress, but she finds she doesn’t wish to have front-row seats. Of course they didn’t hear her and Rey’s legs go around her son.

 

Time to put an end to this little display. Using her sternest mother voice, she admonishes, “Ben Solo!”

 

\---

 

That sensation is building again, the pressure, the tension, the _need_. She just wants him _closer_. His hands, those wonderfully strong, yet gentle hands make her burn everywhere he touches her.

 

She really, really wants to wrap her legs around him again, like she had in the park on Eshara. His hardness against her is hot and throbbing and oh, _gods_! For the first time she realizes it’s meant to go inside her and the formerly repellent idea of being with a man sounds absolutely wonderful; she groans as she tries to get even closer.

 

Yes! His hands trail down and clasp her by her bottom; now she’s being lifted. Soon, _soon_ she’ll have him just where she wants him. Well, almost.

 

Then she hears Leia’s voice and Ben nearly drops her, but he manages to keep his hold and swiftly puts her down and they both spring away from each other.

 

Leia looks like she’s attempting to be stern, but her lips are twitching and Rey glances over to Ben. His cheeks are positively flaming and he actually has his hands in front of his groin, hiding his arousal. He looks ridiculous, impossibly young and embarrassed, his mouth opening and closing.

 

“When I heard there was a commotion, _this_ is not what I expected. You both have perfectly adequate rooms not ten steps away. Please consider using them in the future.”

 

Now Rey’s blushing too, finally realizing how inappropriately they were behaving, and in front of her child’s grandmother! How will she ever look Leia in the eyes again?

 

“Leia, I’m so sor-”

 

“None of that. I was young once, too.” Her eyes focus on Ben and her lips are twitching even more now. “Though I do suggest you be a bit more circumspect in the future, Ben.”

 

Now Rey is the one trying not to smile when the 30-year-old father of her child hangs his head and obediently says, “Yes, Mother.”

 

“Well, now that that’s sorted, I’ll leave you two to get back to it. Enjoy!” she says airily, already walking away.

 

“Mom!” Ben exclaims, horrified.

 

“Oh, don’t sound so scandalized, where do you think _you_ came from?” Leia teases as she turns the corner.

 

\---

 

Ben thought his father taking him to the pleasure bar would be the most humiliating moment of his life. He had absolutely no idea.

 

Standing in front of his highly amused mother while hiding his very prominent erection after being caught thrusting against Rey is in a whole different universe. His face burns with embarrassment, all the way to the tips of his ears.

 

At least her allusion to his conception had helped somewhat with the situation in his trousers.

 

He’s not quite sure how to face Rey after exposing her to such an awkward situation. He should have taken her to his room, gone to hers, anything but—once again—losing his head out in public. Hearing that she loves him had completely derailed his brain and he’d needed to claim her, ensure she was real.

 

He’s attempting to steel himself for looking up when Rey bursts into slightly hysterical laughter. Now he does glance over at her. She’s doubled over, laughing so hard tears are forming in the corner of her eyes.

 

When she stands, she looks over at him and begins to laugh harder. “Your face!” she howls.

 

“What about my face?” he asks, offended.

 

She takes in a few gasping breaths. “Oh, don’t be like that. You should have seen your face when your _Mom_ caught us!”

 

“I feel 15,” he grumbles.

 

“Well, Ben, you looked it too, hanging your head like that!” she cackles.

 

He shifts uncomfortably. He doesn’t … he doesn’t like Rey teasing him. It reminds him too much of when the girls in school would call him names and make sure he knew they’d never, ever want someone so ugly. But he knows she doesn’t mean to bring those feelings up so he just looks away.

 

Her laughter fades and she comes to stand next to him. She places her hand on his cheek and turns his face so that he would be looking at her if he could bring himself to meet her eyes.

 

“Hey, hey … what’s wrong?” she asks with such genuine concern he finds he’s able to hold her gaze.

 

“I … I just don’t like being teased, that’s all.”

 

“I didn’t mean-”

 

“I know you didn’t.” He takes in a shuddering breath. “Let’s just go in, alright?”

 

“Uhm, okay,” she agrees worriedly.

 

\---

 

She takes his hand and leads him to her room, as it’s the closest. Once inside, Rey pulls him to the bed and gently nudges him to sit down, joining him. She angles her body so that she may see his face and tries again.

 

“Ben … something’s wrong, you went from embarrassed to hurt so quickly and I … I only want to understand.”

 

His posture is guarded and he’s obviously lost somewhere in the past. She has a moment of insecurity, wondering if he’d been caught before with a girl but she realizes that can’t be it. He said she was his first kiss.

 

“Please?” she encourages.

 

He lets out a long breath. Sitting with his knees apart, he leans forward, placing his elbows on his thighs, hunched over protectively. He’s looking at his hands when he begins to speak.

 

“I was mocked a great deal in school, before the temple. I … I never fit. I was too tall, my features too large, my interests too eclectic … The only friends I had were likely simply following their parents’ demand that they get close to me because of who my mother is.”

 

“Oh.” Rey isn’t sure what to say. She never had many friends either, but she’d also never been to school. He’s describing a world she doesn’t understand, but she can see so much pain in the stiff lines of his posture.

 

“Earlier … you said, you said you think I’m … handsome.”

 

“You _are_ , Ben. I’d never known what desire even was until I saw you without your mask.”

 

His eyes fly to hers. “Even then? When I … when I’d taken you?”

 

She smiles ruefully. “Yes. It was pretty confusing.”

 

He nods and she’s relieved to see a small smile tug at the corner of his mouth, but then he grows serious again. “You’re the first person aside from _my mother_ to ever say that to me. The other students … they were quite vicious. Particularly about how I look.”

 

Rey begins to understand. She knows how deep those wounds go. Plutt’s sneering voice forms in her head.

 

_Scrawny little sand rat, even your own parents didn’t want you._

 

_I’d have sold you to the pleasure tent by now if you’d ever grown tits._

 

_Good thing you’re my best scavenger, not good for anything else._

 

Well, if she can’t do anything about the voice in _her_ head, she can do something about the voice in his.

 

“Looked,” she corrects.

 

“What?” he asks, his expression perplexed.

 

“I don’t know what you looked like when you were younger, but I’m sure you were adorab-”

 

“No, I promise you I was not. I was gangly and none of my features went together.”

 

Rey huffs out a frustrated breath. “Well they certainly do now. I wasn’t kidding when I said I think you’re gorgeous. And that red-headed bint certainly thought so too. She _also_ thought you were looking at her breasts, and she made a point to wink at me.”

 

Ben blinks for a moment, looking a bit pleased, but then his expression darkens. “Are you saying she _taunted_ you?”

 

The pain is still fresh, even if it was a misunderstanding, so she only nods.

 

There’s a flash of something terrifying in his eyes, but it’s gone in a moment. Then he finally seems to be coming back to himself as he turns to her, taking her hands. “Please tell me you know that I only have eyes for you? That you’re so exquisite no woman could ever turn my head? No one but you?”

 

His praise warms her whole body, reminding her of what they’d been up to earlier. She scoots closer then has an idea. He begins to protest as she stands but his mouth snaps shut when she sits across his thighs.

 

“Do _you_ know I feel the same way?” she asks, running her hands through his hair.

 

Still seeming a bit stunned that he has her in his lap, he dazedly asks, “You do?”

 

Smiling, she tries to push how she sees him through the Force and his eyes widen. “You do,” he proclaims with awe.

 

Shaking his head, he cups her face, “How, how are you even _possible_?”

 

“I’m just me, Ben.”

 

“And I love you, I love you so much,” he declares before he’s pulling her face to his and kissing her hungrily. It doesn’t take much time before she feels him, hot and thick beneath her thigh. She wriggles a bit against him and he gasps into her mouth before kissing her even more deeply.

 

Primed from earlier, it’s not long before her body is crying out for his, that same aching want taking her over. She needs … she needs … she needs _him_. Swiftly, she turns in his arms until she’s straddling him and she groans in relief as she finally, finally has him between her legs again.

 

But this is even better than when they’d been standing. She has far more control with the bed to brace against as she grinds down on his hardness. There’s this one place that when she manages to catch it just right, his erection makes the tension in her core grow taut, even as it sends little shocks of ecstasy through her.

 

\---

 

He can’t quite believe he’s here with Rey like this. Every time she slides along his length he thinks his eyes will roll back in his head. She’s so hot against him, and there’s something about knowing precisely where he’s rubbing his cock that sends his mind spinning. Only layers of cloth separates them and it’s _so easy_ to imagine thrusting up into her.

 

Her whole body is writhing against his and he wants … he wants to touch her skin but he doesn’t want to press her so he settles for tasting more of her, pulling his lips from hers and latching on to the silken skin of her neck, nibbling and sucking, lathing his tongue along her. Anywhere he can reach, he tastes and inhales her.

 

“Please, Ben … I need more. Touch me,” she begs through her moans.

 

Touch her? Touch her _where_? He’ll gladly touch her everywhere, but he doesn’t know what’s allowed. He’d give anything, anything at all to finally be able to cup her beautiful breasts in his hands.

 

“Tell me what you want,” he breathes out raggedly.

 

“I don’t know! Just more!” she whines.

 

Hesitantly, he slides his hands up her thighs, under her tunic until he finds the bare skin of her back. They both jolt at the feeling of his fingers gliding up her smooth flesh and she arches against him, pushing down at a particularly wonderful angle. Low in his throat, he growls, the sensations so new, so perfect.

 

“Rey, you feel so good,” he rumbles.

 

But she makes a frustrated noise and sits back on his thighs. The sudden absence of her against him makes him cry out in loss. But then he can’t think, unwilling to believe that she’s actually pulling her tunic from her body.

 

He blinks dumbly as he takes in the small scrap of fabric supporting her breasts, and oh, Force, they’re phenomenal. So pert, straining against the cloth. When her hands go to remove it, too, he shakes his head, trying to think clearly, raising his hands to stop her.

 

“Rey, is this what you want? I don’t want to rush you.”

 

She smiles down on him; it’s a warm, trusting smile. “Just be gentle, they’re sore.”

 

His brow furrows. “Did something happen to you?”

 

“No, it’s just from the pregnancy.”

 

The pregnancy. Oh gods, what if his daughter is aware right now? Panic wells up in him but she kisses him soundly for a moment before whispering against his lips, “She’s asleep, it’s alright.”

 

When she pulls back he realizes she’d bared her breasts while kissing him and he gasps, “Oh, my gods, Rey, they’re perfect.”

 

He’s never seen anything more beautiful than her rosy nipples, jutting out proudly from her chest. They look like they’d fit in his mouth like they were made for him.

 

Hesitantly, he lifts a shaking hand, reaching out, then stops, looking up to find her face almost nervous.

 

“Are they … are they okay?” she asks in a small voice.

 

“I meant what I said. They’re perfect. May I … may I touch them?”

 

She nods shyly and his trembling hands move up her body until he cups her gorgeous, amazing breasts in his hands and he groans. They fill his palms and, Maker, they feel _so good_. Remembering her request he be gentle, he begins to squeeze them just a little.

 

“Is this alright?” he asks, not wanting to hurt her.

 

“Uh huh,” she moans as she again starts to grind against him.

 

Her nipples are hard beneath his palms and he wants to touch those too, so he swipes his thumbs along the taut flesh and she cries out.

 

Swiftly, he pulls his hands away and asks in a panicked voice, “Did I hurt you?”

 

“Gods, no. Do that again. Please, Ben, do that again. Don’t stop.”

 

There’s a gorgeous flush that goes from her pinked cheeks to her beautiful breasts and he quickly complies, stroking her nipples as she keens, rubbing against him faster.

 

Oh, oh, that feels amazing. If she keeps grinding down on him like that he’s going to come in his underthings. But right now that seems like a fine idea with the noises she’s making.

 

\---

 

Something about the way it feels when he fondles her breasts goes straight to her core, like there’s a sublime thread between her nipples and that spot that just keeps feeling better the faster she presses down on his hardness. It’s like the sensation from her dreams, but so much more intense. It’s building, and building and it feels like she’s going to fly apart if she doesn’t find out.

 

He’s meeting her halfway, pushing himself against her frantically, deep, guttural moans vibrating against her lips as he kisses her. His tongue is in her mouth and he feels like heaven, his strong shoulders under her hands and his muscular thighs flexing beneath her with each thrust.

 

And then everything comes undone as the tension breaks and she feels waves of pleasure crashing over her, something so much larger than relief moving through her body. She shudders and grasps his shoulders more tightly, looking into his eyes, trying to keep herself from being swept away by this indescribable feeling. His eyes are wide with amazement and he croons, “Rey,” just as this ancient, foreign, completely familiar feeling begins to recede, leaving her throbbing.

 

Only just coming back into herself, Ben’s eyes go even wider as his hands leave her breasts and clamp down on her hips. He bucks up against her with such force she has to hold on for dear life.

 

He bellows out her name as he thrusts against her one, two, three more times then he actually growls and she thinks whatever it was that just moved through her body is now moving through his. All she can do is keep herself as steady as she can, trying to move where he seems to want her. Soon, she thinks it’s stopped and he swiftly holds her to his chest, his arms like a vice.

 

“Rey, Rey, Maker, _Rey_ ,” he babbles before finding her lips.

 

She’d expected him to kiss her fiercely, but instead it’s infinitely tender. He pulls back slightly and presses his forehead against hers.

 

“I hope that was alright … we hadn’t talked about … that,” he says with a hint of trepidation.

 

“Oh that was _more_ than alright. What _was_ that?” she exclaims.

 

He moves his head back so that he may see her and smiles at her so fondly that she smiles back, not knowing why.

 

“We should probably talk about that, but later. I just, I need to hold you. Let me hold you.” His voice is plaintive and a touch needy.

 

That sounds absolutely perfect because she’s suddenly very tired. It’s a bit awkward as they untangle themselves and pull back the covers, but soon they’re nestled in her bed and she’s nestled against _him_.”

 

Just before she falls asleep she breathes out, “I love you, Ben.”

 

The last thing she knows is him murmuring, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” against her temple.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! You are steadfast and simply amazing. *big goofy hug*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who was kind enough to be my escort to a benefit over the weekend and didn't even complain about having to dress up. 
> 
> Thank you readers! You keep me writing, you absolutely do. I always miss your enthusiasm and humor on the non-Powerless writing days. You're all superstars!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy muses on how things have changed with Thirsty Mama, then she asks all sorts of questions about Teh Sex. Desperate Daddy gets a tad Kylo Ren while searching for decent food for his baby mama. Grateful Grandma gets her drink on with Uncle Over It.

He wakes in stages, at first only becoming aware of a pervasive sense of content relaxation. Gods, he can’t remember ever being so comfortable. Then his awareness grows to include Rey draped across his chest, her small hand over his heart and tangled in the fabric of his shirt. Smiling, he strokes his hand up her back and is jolted into memory by the fact she’s still naked from the waist up.

 

She’d let him … _wanted_ him, even, to touch her naked breasts. Remembering how good they’d felt in his hands has his palms tingling with their phantom weight. He desperately wants to do it again, watch as her nipples harden under his attentions … maybe even draw the succulent flesh between his lips … Wait, he has to stop remembering, he’ll end up rutting against her thigh currently nestled between his legs. Just the thought has him twitching against her.

 

But he can’t quite pull himself from going over what had transpired. The way she’d ground against him, so wanton and free, with a single-minded, instinctual focus. Somehow, her frank desire had freed him from shame when he’d come in his clothing. Something that needs to be addressed. He should go to his room, change ...

 

Blinking down on her, he finds her deeply asleep. He can’t bear to wake her; Rey’s breathing is even and her limbs heavy. That she so willingly sleeps in his arms touches him in a small, secret place, where he hides his dreams and all the hopes he has for a life with her.

 

He’d never expected to feel so connected to her after sharing something as singular as they had. On some level he’s aware that there’s still so much more, but being able to watch her beautiful face as she’d found her first orgasm … has any man ever been so lucky? She didn’t even know what it was … at least now he has a decent understanding of her level of knowledge. He’s going to have to talk to her about that.

 

He supposes he could send her to his mother, but somehow he feels it’s his to do. She trusts him with her body, her heart, he has to reward that trust with his honesty. Blushing slightly, he realizes that’s going to be an … awkward conversation. The particulars can sound a bit alarming. Not to mention … messy.

 

That reminds him again that he desperately needs to clean himself up, but he won’t disturb her, not yet. Instead he just watches her sleep. Her eyes move beneath her eyelids and he wonders what she must be dreaming. He hopes it’s happy. Her face is tranquil, peaceful. Gods, he loves her.

 

He wonders what would have happened if the Force hadn’t put them in this strange, miraculous predicament. How long would he have denied his heart? How long would he have tried to hate her? Because his hurt had burned slow and endless, never ceasing to find new fuel. A shiver runs up his spine as he realizes he might have even tried to make himself kill her.

 

That thought hurts, so deeply that he has to pull her to him tightly and bury his nose in her hair as tears prick at his eyes. Silently, he sends a wave of absolute gratitude to the Force for giving him this gift. Giving him the means to pull himself out of the black spiral he’d been traveling for years.

 

His sudden movements have Rey stirring and he breathes in slowly, willing himself back to right here, right now, with his beloved in his arms, sated and languid with sleep. He loosens his hold on her and glances down on her face.

 

“Mmmmmm,” she hums out. Her eyes flutter open and she smiles up at him with a slow, satisfied expression.

 

“Hello,” he rumbles.

 

“Hi,” she responds, rubbing sleep from her eyes. It’s ridiculously cute and his heart swells with adoration.

 

Blinking slowly, she props herself up on her elbow and looks down on him. “How long did we sleep?”

 

Grinning, he says, “I have absolutely no idea, but I think it’s still night.”

 

“I don’t think I’ve slept that deeply in … well … ever,” she says.

 

“That is a common side effect of what we shared.” He strokes his fingers through her hair, enjoying how close he feels to her.

 

Her eyes grow curious. “What _was_ that, anyway?”

 

Oh. Of course she’d want to know and he’d expected he’d have to explain … but he’s not the best at talking about such things. He will, though. For her.

 

“It was called an orgasm,” he offers rather clinically.

 

“Okay. But what _is_ it?” She looks like she’s working out a particularly difficult engineering issue. “What’s it _for_?”

 

In that moment Ben realizes that this conversation is going to be much more detailed than he’d first imagined and he props his head up with her pillow.

 

\---

 

“Wait. So when you … when you had _your_ … what was it called? Right, orgasm, you’re saying that … _stuff_ came out of you?”

 

He can only nod, unable to form words the prickling discomfort. Ben would like to crawl under her bed and never come out. He’d never thought he’d _ever_ be in this position and she asks such _specific_ questions. He’s blushed more in the last 12 hours than he has in his entire life.

 

“But what’s it _for_?” she asks. That seems to be her follow-up question to everything. He should have just found her a good holobook on the subject.

 

\---

 

“People _lick_ each other, there?!”

 

She doesn’t seem horrified, so much as completely confounded. It doesn’t perplex _him_ , not one bit. He wants to taste her _everywhere_. But he doesn’t want to frighten her, so he keeps that to himself.

 

\---

 

Her eyes light up and she eagerly asks, “Ooo! There are different ways to have intercourse? How many?”

 

“I—I … I don’t actually know.” Her innocent questions have begun to arouse him, quite significantly, and he’s desperately trying to figure out how to end this conversation. Besides. He’d _really_ like to change his clothes.

 

Still on his back with her propped up next to him, she bites her lip and her brows knit in concentration. “Well, let me think about it. Obviously there’s what we sort of did earlier … what’s that called, anyway?”

 

“I’m … I’m not sure it has a name,” he chokes out.

 

“Oh, okay. Anyway, we could do it that way, and I guess if I was on my back, that would work too.”

 

Oh gods, now all he can think about is doing precisely that. He has to find a way to stop these _words_ from tumbling out of her mouth! Force, now she’s started keeping track on her fingers.

 

“I know! Like in the corridor, you could hold me while you stand and I wrap my legs around you. That would work, wouldn’t it?”

 

“Yes,” his strangled voice responds.

 

Now she looks at the ceiling for a moment. “And I bet we could do it the way the animals on Jakku do. I’d have to get on my knees I think.”

 

“Rey, please,” he openly begs.

 

“What?” she asks in confusion.

 

He’s well and truly hard with a parade of naked Reys running around in his head. “I … I think you have a good idea of the mechanics of everything,” he says in a slightly higher voice.

 

“Well, yeah, but don’t you want to figure out all the ways we could do it?”

 

He throws his arm over his eyes and groans.

 

\---

 

“Okay, I just have one last question.”

 

“Promise?” he asks dryly.

 

She glares at him but then that curious, fascinated expression he’s learning to fear returns. “How do two males do it?”

 

\---

 

Staring at himself in the mirror he looks like a man who has _seen things_. He’d managed to shut down her questions by explaining he needed to go to his room and change. She’d been confused for a moment then her eyes had grown wide. Her apologies had been wonderfully endearing and he’d taken the opportunity to escape that mortifying conversation.

 

It’s not that he _minded_ explaining it all to her, it was just so strange speaking of all of the things he wants, desperately, to share with her. Attempting to maintain a distance, give her the information she needs while she guilelessly spoke of all the things they could and would do together—as if it was a foregone conclusion—had him suspended between wanting to run, hide and being more turned on than he’d ever been in his _life_.

 

Apparently, as far as Rey is concerned, _of course_ they’re going to give themselves to each other and the thought both thrills and terrifies him. She’s obviously relying on him to know what he’s doing and all he knows is what he’s seen in unpleasant holos. Even he could see the artifice displayed, the blank expressions and fabricated moans.

 

Shaking himself, he knows he has to get moving. He’d finally checked the time and found it nearing midnight.

 

As he’d left Rey, he’d promised to return with food, as she still hasn’t eaten. She’d attempted to dismiss it, saying she had food in her room, but he’s hopeful there might be _something_ suitable in the mess. Regardless, he’s venturing out into the city tomorrow for _numerous_ supplies.

 

\---

 

Rey lays back in her bed once Ben leaves, thinking about everything she’s learned. No wonder the pleasure tent was so popular, if it feels like that!

 

But somehow … she just knows that there’s something more between her and Ben, hat it wouldn’t be like that with a random man. She wouldn’t want anyone else to kiss her, touch her, see her bare.

 

He’d looked so disappointed when she’d put her tunic back on and somehow that makes her want to share her whole body with him. Ben is the only one she can imagine letting see her naked. Because now she’s almost eager to see his eyes when he looks at her. _All_ of her.

 

And, oh … sharing that glorious release with him, knowing they’d both found such pleasure from each other’s bodies, it makes her want to discover it all, with Ben. She can’t imagine wanting anyone but him. She never has before. Only he stirs these feelings, these heated thoughts.

 

Her clothes start to feel too tight and she decides to dress for bed properly. As she pulls on the long shift that Leia gave her, she wonders if he would stay if she asked him to. It’s so much easier to sleep with his arms around her. And maybe he might let her take off _his_ shirt, touch _his_ chest ...

 

\---

 

Leia is _drunk_. She knows better than to drink Chewie’s preferred beverage. She has no idea what’s in it—only that it’s brewed on Kashyyyk and it packs a serious punch. But between hours of negotiations with new allies and old, she’d needed this.

 

“ _How_ much food did he come back with on Cathne?”

 

<Enough for 10!> Chewie howls, slapping the table. <Flowers, cake. Boy’s worse than Friend.>

 

Pain ripples through them both, but Leia refuses to let them get maudlin. “I’ll have you know that Han brought me flowers after every single trip!”

 

<But no cake,> Chewie chortles.

 

Leia glares, but then exclaims, “Oh! I didn’t tell you. Just wait until you hear about finding them in the corridors …”

 

\---

 

He’s relieved to find the mess hall still open. Apparently they run shifts throughout the cycle.

 

Ben looks over what’s available and wrinkles his nose. Ducking into the kitchens, he walks up to the first worker he sees. “Excuse me,” he asks a middle-aged man who holds himself awkwardly.

 

The man looks at him and his eyes turn to ice. “Kylo Ren,” he growls.

 

Ben looks down, a bit surprised at how that moniker hurts now. He’d taken such pride in the name. But he lifts his head and says, “Once. No more.”

 

“Yeah, I heard you’re the general’s son. _Ben Solo_. But some spots, they don’t wash off,” he sneers.

 

Ben sighs, because, in a way, the man is right. Nothing will ever make him clean again, he knows that. “Hate me as much as you want. You won’t be alone in that,” he says cryptically. “But I’m not here for myself. I’m here for Rey.”

 

The man’s face softens. But then he’s pulling Ben into a corner and Ben realizes the man only has the use of one arm. “Heard that too. If you hurt that girl-”

 

“I promise you, nothing you can do would be worse than what I would do to myself if I ever hurt Rey.”

 

The man searches Ben’s eyes and finally nods. “Understand that I’m only even talking to you because of Rey. She’s our only hope and if she’s willing to spend time with you … well, that must mean something. What does she need?”

 

“I’m concerned about the lack of fresh food. She’s pregnant—”

 

“Pregnant? Why you no good, rotten bastard!” the man spits, lunging for him with his good arm.

 

Ben stops him with the Force and sighs. He looks around swiftly, relieved to find no one watching them. He’d hoped to avoid doing this, but he’s not bringing Rey slop.

 

“You will bring me the best and freshest food currently available,” Ben intones, releasing him from his Force hold.

 

The man’s eyes go glassy and he repeats, “I will bring you the best and freshest food currently available.”

 

\---

 

Rey tries to stay awake, she really does. But her pillow smells like Ben and she’s so tired. She presses her face into the plush surface, inhaling the scent of _Ben_. She thinks of snow and ice, cold wind and the haven he’d made for her. That’s what he smells like, protection from the cold, warmth, safety … he smells like _home_.

 

She’s never had a home before.

 

Sleep claims her as she remembers howling wind and his strong arms around her, shielding her from the plunging temperature.

 

Ben is her home.

 

\---

 

As Ben leaves the kitchens, he sees a long shock of red hair and he makes a disgusted face. He has no wish to speak with the desperate _woman_ , but he also needs to make certain things _abundantly_ clear.

 

He’s Rey’s. And _only_ Rey’s.

 

Ben sets down his bundle of fresh fruit and roasted poultry—apparently they did have some decent food to offer, just not enough to put it out for the whole base. He’s going to have to talk to his mother about how the kitchens are run.

 

The redhead sees him and smiles coyly. She walks up to him with a swing to her hips he supposes is meant to be seductive. He just finds it sad.

 

“I thought I’d see you again tonight,” she purrs. Ben’s face twists in revulsion.

 

“And why is that?” he asks coldly. Her confident smile falters.

 

“Oh don’t play hard to get. I saw you looking. Your little friend did, too.” Her smile turns mocking.

 

“All that had my attention was the garbage you dared to serve the woman pregnant with my child,” Ben snarls.

 

The horrible woman takes a step back, but keeps leering at him.

 

“Well then, you’ll certainly need … alternate outlets.” Her eyebrows rise suggestively. “Big, strong man like you, no need to make do with a hormone addled, weepy _girl_ who’s just going to get fat. Men like you have _options_.”

 

She begins to move closer to him and his face shifts into icy loathing, stopping her in her tracks; the confident air around her turns to fear.

 

Kylo Ren swirls inside Ben’s chest and he drops his voice. Infusing his words with the very real threat of violence, he promises, “I would not touch you with someone else’s hands. You clearly like danger. This time you’ve courted the wrong monster. If you ever so much as _look_ at Rey or myself again I will tear into your mind and take _every single scrap_ of joy from your pathetic life. All there will be left is all of the awful, base, disgusting things you’ve done.” He gives her an appraising once over. “From the looks of you, I’d say it’s a revolting bounty.”

 

Her eyes have gone wide with terror and he rumbles, “Do we understand each other?”

 

“Y-yes,” she whispers having gone meek.

 

“Good. I hate to repeat myself.”

 

Grabbing the food, he sweeps from the mess hall without looking back.

 

\---

 

“Son!” Leia cries cheerfully as she stumbles down the corridors on her way back to her quarters. Chewie had finally agreed to start coming to dinner and she thinks the wookiee might actually be coming out of his self-imposed exile. She’s quite pleased with herself and now she’s run into Ben! What a lovely evening.

 

Ben stops, turning towards her; he has a vaguely guilty air about him. She has a moment of fear, wondering what he’s done, but then she remembers catching him and Rey earlier and she can’t help herself from giggling.

 

“Mother,” he greets her stiffly.

 

“What happened to ‘Mom’?” she asks as she pets his arm affectionately.

 

He sniffs the air and his eyes go wide. “Are you … are you drunk?” he asks in disbelief.

 

Her eyes have a bit of trouble focusing and she has to hold on to him for a moment to steady herself. Holding her thumb and forefinger a bit a part she admits, “Maybe just a little. Hard to keep up with Chewie.”

 

Her son groans and folds his arm around her. “Come on, Mom, let’s get you to bed.”

 

Ben starts guiding her down the hallway and Leia’s breath hitches. It feels so normal, like any other son helping his mother. He hadn’t hesitated, there’d been none of the cold anger. Just exasperation that he’d found his mother in her cups.

 

On some level she knows she should be embarrassed, but instead she revels in the easy affection he’s showing her and all of the sudden her eyes fill with tears. She’d hurt him, so much, her little boy.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

 

“What?” he asks gently as they near her door.

 

“I’m sorry, Ben. I never … I never knew what I was doing to you. I never knew how to help you …”

 

He doesn’t respond. Taking her hand, Ben uses her palm to open her door and helps her inside. Once he has her safely seated in one of her chairs he sighs.

 

“I really am so, so sorry, my beautiful boy.”

 

“Mom, you’re drunk. But … we can talk about it later. If you still want to.”

 

“Would you let me? Would you let me truly apologize?” She knows he’s done incomprehensibly awful things, but so much of that is because of her choices … she just needs to make it right.

 

His jaw works, but he nods. ‘Yes, I … I think I can do that. Besides, we need to talk about Rey anyway.”

 

“Oh, I’m so glad you found her, Son! She’s good for you.” She couldn’t have picked a better woman for her son. She might consider forgiving the Force for all its meddling after this.

 

He makes the smallest, most tender smile she’s ever seen on his face. “Yes, she is.”

 

“And, by the looks of it, I’ll be getting lots of grandbabies!” Leia cackles.

 

“Okay, that’s my cue to leave. Get some sleep and drink lots of water,” he orders with a bemused expression.

 

As he closes her door she calls out, “Don’t forget it’s not over until you both get dessert!”

 

“Mom!” 

 

It’s far too easy to rile Ben up. “Just trying to help.”

 

The door snicks closed.

 

\---

 

This has to be the strangest day he’s ever had. Rey told him she loves him, his mother is _drunk_ and giving him the same advice his father had on sex, and he’s on his way to bring food to the mother of his child. He rather forcefully opts not to think about the other … activities.

 

He knocks at Rey’s door and waits. When she doesn’t answer, he knocks a bit more loudly. After a rather long time she opens the door.

 

She’s an absolute vision in a long white gown, made of some kind of thin material that clings to every single curve and he almost drops his bundle of food. She looks ethereal as if she was pulled out of his fantasies.

 

But then she yawns hugely and she’s his Rey again. She blinks sleepily and he realizes she’d been sleeping.

 

“Oh, Rey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

“It’s fine, come in.”

 

“Are you sure? If you’d rather go back to sleep …”

 

She grabs him by the arm and pulls him inside impatiently, drawing him near her bed.

 

“I have food,” he offers.

 

Smiling, she nods. “Thank you. I had some of my saved rations. I’m sure you’ve found something delicious, but right now I need sleep.” Now she looks up at him nervously. “I was hoping … I was hoping you’d … stay.”

 

She wants him to stay? To sleep next to her? All night? No, he must not be understanding her correctly. “How do you mean, stay?” he asks with a shaky voice.

 

“I want you sleep next to me, like before.”

 

“Really?” he asks, not trying to hide the excitement from his voice. The thought of being allowed to guard her sleep all night is intoxicating.

 

“Yes, really. I’m so tired and … I think I’d miss you if you weren’t here.”

 

“I always miss you,” he blurts out.

 

Her hazel eyes call to him when she entreats, “Then stay, Ben, stay.”

 

He hastily puts the food down and pulls her into his arms. “For as long as you want me to,” he promises before kissing her tenderly.

 

\---

 

Her last thought before she falls asleep again is that this, being in Ben’s arms, is what she’s always needed. He said he’d stay as long as she wants him to.

 

She thinks that might be forever.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare. You always push me to work on my weak spots and that is such a gift. I'm sure I whine horribly, but I'm always, always grateful because I can tell when I look back that you have a huge impact on improving my writing.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! Last night I indicated a preference for something at dinner but told him not to go out of his way. He said, "How can you imagine that you could ask me for something and I would not do everything I could to make it happen?" Mrs. Downing = Puddle of Goo.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm sorry there wasn't a chapter yesterday. I think I'm starting to slow down a bit with writing. I'm trying to listen to it because I don't want to burn out. But worry not, there will always be at least a chapter a week so long as I don't have travel or illness to contend with. Your comments have been such a motivator and I am so, so grateful for all of you. <3<3<3


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thirsty Mama wakes up alone and insecurity comes for her. Grateful Grandma makes sure she knows she has family. Then Space Suitor the Second noses around and Desperate Daddy handles that spectacularly. In other words, the Pain Train begins its chug up Angst Mountain. Choo choo!

The empty space beside her feels like something essential is missing. It takes her a moment to understand that he’d left before she’d woken up. This, this is a feeling she knows well, this desolate place where she’s all alone.

 

She tries, she tries _so hard_ not to be afraid that it means something. He’d told her he loved her, they’d slept side-by-side, not to mention that wonderful feeling he’d given her ...He’d gone to find her food. Certainly he didn’t leave because he’s changed his mind?

 

Why is she always so full of fear? Standing up and wrapping her arms around her she paces her room, her nightgown trailing behind her. Will she ever feel secure? Will she always be full of this deep terror that she’s only good for being left, discarded, thrown away like garbage?

 

Stop. Stop it … he loves her. She knows he does. Her hand settles on her abdomen and she reminds herself that they’re a family, the completeness she feels when the three of them entwine in the Force. There must be an explanation. Patience is all she needs.

 

Slowly, she pulls out her second outfit from their time on Eshara. She’d picked this tunic for him especially. Now, though, she wonders, holding it in front of her and looking at herself in the mirror. The blood-red color she’d selected because it had reminded her of his saber … should she take the chance it would make him think of the First Order?

 

But … the rich color, the way the gossamer overlay flutters, reminding her of how his weapon shudders and glints … it’s just … it’s him. Standing in the shop she’d been filled with the need to show him that she sees him, she accepts him. She knows he’s in between, she knows he’s not quite here yet. But she believes, gods, she _believes_ that he’ll still keep putting one foot in front of the other until he’s truly Ben Solo again.

 

Because she can call him Ben all she wants, but it doesn’t make it true. The first time she’d said his name to him had been when he was well and truly Kylo Ren. Well. Until his eyes had flown to hers, telling her it was safe to approach him in that lift. Ben was looking at her, then, she’s sure of it. Hope had flared in her chest for the first time since those biting shackles had closed on her wrists.

 

Now though … with him gone without a word … she wonders. But she hasn’t even seen him wear his lightsaber. Perhaps she’s being unfair. Did he even bring it with him?

 

Huffing out a frustrated sound, she goes to the ‘fresher. She likes the clothes, he’d wanted to buy them. If he can be so easily swayed by a red shirt then she has bigger things to worry about.

 

\---

 

Leia is stooped over a map display when Rey finds her. She still remembers the shame that burned through her when Leia had found them in such a compromising position.

 

“General Organa?” she asks formally.

 

Leia turns and looks at her, hurt streaking through her eyes.

 

“Rey, no … please, please don’t call me that.” She walks over to her and Rey is comforted by her motherly embrace. Leia whispers in her ear, “You are my family. Now, always. Ben is not part of that. You are _my family_ , please know that.”

 

Rey can’t speak, her throat closed by the easy way this incomparable woman has claimed her. All she can do is shake her head as Leia steps back. Rubbing her belly she says, “No … I … she … she’s your family. He is too. I’m just .. I’m just …”

 

“Rey. You are _Rey_. I meant it when I said you always have a home with me. I’ve felt that way since I met you on D’Qar. I don’t know why and I don’t care. I hope that you and my son have many happy years together, but do not fear. You are mine, child.”

 

Unbidden, tears well in Rey’s eyes and again Leia’s arms come around her. “Oh, sweet girl. Please know that you are no longer an orphan. You have people now. No matter what.”

 

Wiping her eyes quickly, Rey shudders out, “I don’t … I don’t know how.”

 

Leia pushes a tendril of hair behind Rey’s ear. “Then I will show you.”

 

\---

 

On her knees and up to her elbows in an environmental control unit, Rey lets out a long breath. She’s not really paying much attention to her task, just thinking about what Leia had said.

 

_Ben went out into the city. He said he needed to procure supplies for you. I tried to stop him, ask him what he intended, but he just waved me off._

 

He’s out spending more credits on her. She’s feeling stupid for doubting him and wonders if she’ll ever stop. It’s exhausting and it’s not fair to him. But … they’ve never really talked about everything that happened, just little moments and hints. She doesn’t even know why he joined Snoke. She can imagine, of course, but … there’s so much she doesn’t know. Has she rushed into this?

 

It … it just feels so right to be with him. It’s as if she doesn’t even have a choice, this tether between their hearts so strong, undeniable … When she’s with him she can’t think straight, just needing more and more of him. His touch, his words, that look of adoration in his eyes … the thrill and safety she feels when he tells her he loves her.

 

Throwing a wrench away from her with a great clang she lets out a furious, frustrated sound. She hates questioning things. Why can’t this just be simple?

 

“Uhm, Rey?” she hears and pulls herself out of the machinery to find Poe looking down on her. Suddenly grateful her pretty shirt is hidden beneath her work clothes, she purses her lips and looks at him stonily.

 

“What?” she asks shortly.

 

“I just … I just wanted to apologize. I was way out of line yesterday.” He rubs the back of his neck and smiles ruefully. “Finn gave me an earful and I realized he’s right.”

 

Unblinkingly she asks, “About what?”

 

Poe sighs and gets a pained expression. “That even if I don’t like it, I have to respect your choices.”

 

“You didn’t seem too keen on that yesterday.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” Poe looks at his boots and Rey gets to her feet. Glancing back at her, he says, “I’m just worried, that’s all. But I _am_ sorry for treating you like that.”

 

“This doesn’t have anything to do with … uh … what you said … before I ran on Shenden?” she asks warily.

 

He throws his hands in the air. “I dunno. Maybe? I don’t like seeing you with him, but I want to believe that’s because of what he’s done, not … not how I feel about you.”

 

Rey nibbles her bottom lip and peers at Poe. He looks truly contrite, but he’d really stepped in it and she’s not ready to forgive him. And she has no idea how to be his friend, now.

 

“Well, thanks for … thanks for apologizing, I guess.”

 

“Can we just go back to being friends, like before? Forget I said anything?”

 

Rey shakes her head slowly. “I don’t think I can do that … it’s … it’s too much.”

 

For a moment Poe’s eyes swim with real hurt but then he’s smiling. “Yeah, okay. I deserve that. Maybe … in time?”

 

She looks away, thinking. Time. Maybe that’s all this needs. She’d loved being part of their little foursome, Finn, Rose, Poe and her. It had made her feel like she belonged and she already misses their camaraderie. She finds herself saying, “Time … alright, yeah, time. But … until then, maybe give me some space?” She knows Ben isn’t really the type to share her attention and she has to settle things with him first.

 

“I can do that … But, you know if you need me …” He holds her eyes earnestly.

 

“I know, Poe, I know.”

 

“Okay, good. Good.” He begins to walk away before giving her one last wistful look.

 

Rey stares down at her work and knows she should feel better about their interaction than she does. She hasn’t had much time to herself to think and the thoughts that come for her frighten and unsettle her.

 

Blanking her mind, she gets back to her task.

 

\---

 

This is taking Ben much longer than he’d thought. He’d hoped to get back before she left for her duties and he’s already late to his meeting with his mother. But the hidden base is quite a distance from the closest shopping district and he’s been trudging through Coronet City for over an hour.

 

He’s wearing a hooded cloak to hide his face, though he’s pretty sure the lack of context will keep him anonymous. Besides, he hadn’t let Hux broadcast his face everywhere. Without the mask the idea had made him deeply uncomfortable.

 

Finally! The shops come into view and he gets to work.

 

\---

 

Laden with packages, he slips back into the base. He hadn’t had to use too many mind tricks, but he’s not venturing out again without his saber. He’d seen his TIE in the hangar on his way out and he hopes no one has found its hiding place. Stopping mid-stride, he realizes this is the longest he’s gone without his lightsaber since he first made it. The thought is perplexing. Rey really has taken over his entire awareness.

 

Even now, being away from her for a few short hours has him feeling a bit panicked. Like she’ll slip away from him if he doesn’t keep her close. He quickens his pace.

 

\---

 

He’s is almost to his room when his mother rounds the corner. “You missed our appointment.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry. This took much longer than I’d anticipated.”

 

“What is all of this, anyway?”

 

“Just … things for Rey. I wanted … I wanted to make her room more comfortable, find her better food …”

 

“What’s wrong with the food in the mess?”

 

“Seriously?” He wants to spit that it wasn’t fit for banthas, that the First Order would never serve such revolting food.

 

“What? It’s not what you grew up with, but it’s perfectly fine.”

 

He knows his mother is rather … picky about food and something clicks. “You eat in your rooms, don’t you?”

 

“Well, I haven’t really had time since we arrived to join everyone.”

 

Ben nods his understanding. “That explains it. Well, the food is not acceptable for a pregnant woman. Nothing fresh. It’s worse than rations. I suggest you look into it.”

 

Leia rolls her eyes. “I’m sorry we aren’t up to the First Order’s standards.”

 

Everything here is so lax and undisciplined. He’s beginning to let his disdain show. What happened with that idiot woman in the mess hall would never have been allowed on a First Order base. “That’s certainly true,” he mumbles.

 

Leia straightens to her full height and her eyes narrow. “Excuse me?”

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything. Now, may I drop these off and come meet you directly?” he asks smoothly.

 

Her eyes are still hard but she nods sharply. “Yes. And this needs to be the last time you flaunt your status. I’m your commanding officer as well as your mother and you need to remember that.”

 

His eyes strain from the need to roll, but he keeps his face neutral. “Yes, Mother.”

 

\---

 

After stowing away his treats for Rey, he leaves again swiftly. Yes, he’d told his mother he would be with her as soon as possible, but he has to see Rey first. His heart is pounding in his chest, some part of him deeply concerned and he doesn’t even know why.

 

He’s almost to her work station, telling himself he’ll only stay for a moment. But as he gets closer he sees _Poe Dameron_ walking away from Rey and he veers to intercede him.

 

“I thought we understood one another,” Ben snarls.

 

“What, you thought I’d just stay away from my friend because _you_ told me to?”

 

“You do not want to make an enemy of me, Dameron.” Ben’s voice is low and tightly controlled.

 

“Oh, don’t worry about that, we’re already enemies.”

 

“Stay away from her,” he demands, slowly and darkly.

 

“Yeah, I know. Otherwise it’s _permanent night for Poe Dameron_. I don’t think you’d risk losing Rey over a little competition.”

 

Ben is already feeling the effects of being away from Rey and the need to show this upstart his place is rioting through him. He knows Rey won’t like it, but he can’t help himself as he steps forward and grabs Dameron by the collar, using his much greater height to significant effect.

 

Pulling the interloper close, he presses his thumbs into his neck hard enough to bruise. “You’re no match for me, take this in the spirit it is meant. I don’t wish to harm one of Rey’s … friends,” he threatens with a curled lip. “But I will. I will kill you, slowly if you-”

 

“Ben!” Rey’s worried voice cuts through the red haze in his brain and he drops the wide eyed pilot. Good. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 

Ben steps back and Dameron shakes himself, coughing and gasping.

 

“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Rey exclaims.

 

Dameron rubs his neck and looks directly into Rey’s eyes. “Oh, your boyfriend was just making sure I know you’re his.”

 

Rey frowns and looks almost hurt. “Ben?”

 

Through his clenched teeth Ben admits, “I don’t like how he talked to you. I don’t want him near you. I was only making sure he understood that.”

 

Her lips go into a thin line. Then she looks at him with a crushingly disappointed look and he feels a stab of remorse. No! No. This man is a threat. He just has to make Rey see that.

 

“Poe, are you alright?” Dameron looks between Rey and Ben then a disturbing, smug smile breaks across his face. “It takes more than a huge dark sider to take me down.” He rubs his neck again. “You two have a nice chat,” he says pointedly to Ben then he’s back on his way out of the hangar.

 

Ben wants to just snap his neck with the Force and be done with the whole issue. He knows this man has nefarious designs on his family and he won’t allow that. He won’t allow anything to come between him and his twin stars.

 

But he can feel the waves of trepidation coming off of Rey and he finds her eyes.

 

“Why did you do that?” she asks quietly.

 

“I don’t trust him. He _wants_ you.”

 

“Maybe. But I don’t want him. You can’t … you can’t do that Ben. You can’t just hurt people like that.”

 

“But the way he talked to you! Why was he even here? I know he came to see you. Did he try to steal you from me?” he asks possessively.

 

Rey blinks. “No. He came to apologize. But it wouldn’t matter if he did try to _steal me_ , I don’t want him. I want you.”

 

“I don’t want you talking to him.”

 

She rears back. “Excuse me?”

 

“He’s dangerous!”

 

Rey scoffs. “He’s a friend. A good friend. So what if he has feelings for me? I don’t have feelings for him!”

 

“No! I won’t accept that. You will avoid him from now on.”

 

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Ben Solo.”

 

“The hell I don’t! You’re mine!”

 

All expression bleeds from her face. Softly, she murmurs, “I see.”

 

Ben finally hears what he’s been saying and scrubs his face with his hands, frustrated and angry and scared out of his mind. Reaching for her, he frantically says, “Wait, I didn’t mean it that way!”

 

“Oh, I think you did,” she says as she sidesteps his grasping hands.

 

Just then, “Ben Solo, please report to the command center. Immediately,” echoes throughout the hanger.

 

“Go see your mother,” she says in a flat tone.

 

“No, wait, please at least let me kiss you.”

 

“Don’t keep her waiting,” she continues as if he hadn’t spoken.

 

“Rey …”

 

“Go,” she says coldly.

 

“May I come back?” he asks with real fear icing his veins.

 

“I have a lot of work to do. I’ll see you at dinner.”

 

“But … please, I didn’t mean it.” He tries to reach for her again. This time she lets him take her hands.

 

She squeezes his fingers once then drops her arms to her sides. “Please, just go.”

 

“Ben Solo, report to the command center, now!” This time it’s actually his mother’s voice coming over the loudspeaker.

 

Rey’s eyes plead with him and he finally turns to go, his head hanging and shoulders hunched. He never should have left this morning. He can already feel her slipping away. Something has to be done about Poe Dameron.

 

Everything would be _fine_ if he were gone.

 

\---

 

Ben immediately reminds her of his young teenage self when he belligerently slinks into her office.

 

“Thank you for joining me,” she says sincerely from her seated position behind her desk. He’d obviously been desperate to see Rey, but they really must talk about his role within the Resistance if she’s going to be able to continue keeping him here. Clearly now is _not_ the time for her to apologize for her spectacular failure as a mother.

 

“As if I had a choice,” he grumbles.

 

“That brings us right to it. You’re right. You don’t. Not if you want to continue to stay.”

 

His face snaps up and he goes pale. “I won’t leave. Nothing you can do will make me leave them.”

 

“Calm down, that’s not what I meant. I want you here. Rey wants you here.”

 

Something flashes in his eyes and it’s all she can do not to press him for what happened. His behavior isn’t just because she called him in here like a naughty schoolboy.

 

“Fine,” he acknowledges as he slumps into the chair across from her desk.

 

“Now. What I wanted to speak with you was your position here, your duties.”

 

He only nods, his hair obscuring his face. Oh yes, this is quite familiar. She has to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from twitting him about cutting his hair. He has such a handsome face, why does he hide it?

 

“Obviously you have extensive intelligence on the First Order.”

 

“Obviously,” he deadpans.

 

“And while I am currently the only individual making the decisions, that’s going to change as we grow. I intend on creating a small council, two additional members to start as there are only roughly 200 of us. So that no one can accuse me of favoritism, there will be a vote. This means I have no control over who else will have power. You understand the issue.”

 

“If they want me gone, you can’t stop them.”

 

“If they want you _tried_ , I can’t stop them.”

 

Ben sits up and she sees Kylo Ren very clearly. “I’d like to see them try,” he growls.

 

“Which is why we need to keep that from happening. I want you seen and I want your information to have significant impact quickly. Before I call for the vote.”

 

“Fine, attack Jentesh VI. The workers are near a revolt and the First Order desperately needs their raw materials.”

 

“While I appreciate the information, I have something a bit different in mind. You won’t like it.”

 

“I don’t like anything that doesn’t involve Rey and my daughter.”

 

Leia doesn’t hide the flinch at the implication and his eyes widen as he clearly understands what he’d just said. His mouth opens and closes, but he doesn’t say anything else.

 

“The reality is that Poe Dameron is likely to be elected to the council. As I’m sure you aware, he’s not entirely at peace with your presence. I want you to work with hi-”

 

He jumps to his feet and loudly exclaims, “No, over his dead body.”

 

“Son-”

 

“No, I won’t work with him. I refuse.”

 

“But you worked so well together on selecting this base.”

 

“He _wants_ Rey.” The menacing, jealous tone makes Leia sit back in her chair. This, this is the man who arrived on Shenden and she doesn’t like it one bit. But if she can’t get these two to find common ground, she’s not sure how she’ll be able to keep Ben safe.

 

“You _need_ him on your side.”

 

“I won’t work with a man who looks at Rey like that!”

 

“Please. Listen. This is not a dictatorship. You need allies. You need _this_ ally. He’s incredibly popular. Frankly, I’ve been grooming him to take my place.”

 

“Ah. Another one of your little _protégés_. You always did take very good care of them, almost like the children you never had.” His voice drips venom.

 

“Ben!” Where has her son gone? Who is this stranger?

 

For a moment his eyes flash with pain and fear. He grabs his head and says in a shaky voice. “I need to … I need to go. I’ll work with the pilot, but only so I can keep him away from Rey.”

 

“Please sit down,” she entreats but he’s already to the door.

 

“Was there anything else, General Organa?”

 

“I had hoped we could talk about Rey-”

 

“ _Is there anything else, General Organa_?” he grits out, his body lined with tension and his fists tightly curled.

 

Leia sighs out, “No. You’re dismissed.”

 

He nods curtly and the door slides closed behind him.

 

\---

 

Rey can’t help but look up when she senses Ben’s rage through the Force. He’s not doing a very good job at shielding himself and his eyes catch hers briefly as he passes her station, stalking to his TIE.

 

His movements are jerky and full of fury as he impatiently pushes the cockpit open, likely damaging the hydraulics. Then he reaches inside and pulls out something. Her stomach sinks when she sees him clip it to his belt.

 

Now that she’s had some time to think, she wishes she hadn’t told him he couldn’t come back and she almost goes to him, standing up from her work. But as he passes her again she feels something almost like a push through the Force, clearly indicating he wants to be left alone.

 

It shouldn’t hurt. He’s allowed to have space.

 

But it does.

 

\---

 

He almost doesn’t make it to his quarters, he’s vibrating so hard with incandescent anger and soul-chilling fear. He’s caught in his storm and everything is falling apart. The only thing he knows to do is destroy, it’s all that’s ever helped when the madness comes.

 

The way Rey had so flatly rejected him, not allowing him to return. He knows she’d said she’d see him tonight, had looked worried, but he can’t quite hold on to that. It’s so easy to see how the Resistance has already started whispering in her ear.

 

Poe Dameron. He’s everything he isn’t. Charming. _Handsome_. One of his mother’s pets. Gods, he’d hated them when he was a child. How she’d pour all her attention into them while he was dying on the vine.

 

And Rey. It felt like she’d slammed a wall down between them. He’s certain that Dameron is going to take her from him and now his saber is in his hand, ignited.

 

That covetous look on the pilot’s face makes him scream as he slashes into the crystal wall. Yes, this will help. This will bring him back under control.

 

He won’t lose Rey. He _can’t_. He won’t survive if he has to see another man touch her. And his child, gods, his child!

 

His own mother had threatened to banish him from their lives if he doesn’t bend and bow and scrape to _Dameron_. His blood boils as he imagines days having to allow that insignificant nothing of a man anywhere near him. Anywhere near Rey.

 

The wall has begun to glow as the crystal turns to glass, dripping down onto the floor, lit by the unholy fire of his saber.

 

She’s his. Godsdammit, she’s his! How dare they try to take her from him! He should have just descended on Shenden and spirited her away. Plied her with beauty and she would have turned to him. He knows it.

 

Screams are ripped from his already raw throat as he slashes over and over again. He’ll kill anyone who tries to take her. He told her he would do anything to protect her.

 

Nothing will take his twin stars.

 

Nothing.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, ArtemisBare. We really make a great team and I'm so lucky to have found you.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing! He took me to a truly glorious meal this weekend and even pretended he didn't want to taste my appetizer because he wanted me to have every last bite.
> 
> Thank you, readers! I'm sorry there wasn't an update yesterday, Mr. Downing had bad case of food poisoning and I wanted to look after him. I'm so eternally grateful for your unfailing support, my beauties!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy dodges a bullet ... for now. Thirsty Mama wants to stay in denial for just a little longer.

_PAPAAAAA!_

 

Ben’s rage crashes into Rey at the precise moment her child’s screams tear through her. It’s as if she’s caught between two tremendous waves, like when it stormed on Ahch-To. Something is horrifically wrong. Her baby’s Force signature is erratic and Ben’s is turbulent, ugly, raw.

 

This isn’t like how it had felt when his guilt over his father had consumed him, the knife of his self-loathing had been turned inward, but this, this shreds everything in its path.

 

The terrified, frantic sending of their daughter renders her barely able to think. All she knows is she has to get to him. Now. She stagers from her work station in the hangar, tasks forgotten. His emotions are so dark, so kinetic that she’s having trouble seeing. The fear is deafening, bloody, utterly overwhelming.

 

Every instinct she has is screaming at her to _run_ to his side, but she doesn’t want anyone else to see him like this so she forces herself to walk purposefully, all the while trying to calm down her daughter.

 

_PapaPapaPapaPapaPapaPapa!_

 

“Shhh, shhh,” she murmurs as she rubs her abdomen, sensing the fluttering, panicked heartbeat beneath her palm.

 

“He’ll be alright, Mama will make sure he’s alright.” Force, she hopes she hasn’t just lied to her baby.

 

She keeps her eyes faced front, not acknowledging any of her Resistance acquaintances. Maker, she hopes she doesn’t run into Rose. Finn’s work rarely brings him to the hangar, but Rose is a frequent visitor.

 

The meandering corridors grow less populated as she walks on and the waves of pure pain grow stronger as she nears his quarters. His agony becomes an almost physical presence as she reaches his door, thick and cloying. It feels like walking through mud and she can vaguely make out his voice. He makes muffled, inhuman noises. She doesn’t even bother to knock, just swiftly disables the security measures and the heavy durasteel swings open.

 

She’s not sure what she expected, but this feral, out of control beast is so outside her sense of who Ben is that for a moment she freezes. He looks _crazed_ as he slashes and screams. She can’t see his eyes, but his hair is a tangled mess. She can’t see her Ben anywhere in his animalistic bearing.

 

One particularly loud howl snaps her into action and she closes his door immediately. She has to hide this. They’ll never let him stay if they find out he’s capable of … this.

 

He swings and swings at his wall as molten glass pools on the floor. It glows an oddly beguiling orange and with each slash it only gets more intense. Harsh breathing punctuates his screaming. She should be afraid of him right now. She should run from his room and never look back. But she doesn’t.

 

She tries to figure out how to approach him but her years on Jakku have taught her to treat wounded animals very carefully. They don’t know you’re there to help and she’s not sure Ben is capable of rational thought.

 

Their baby takes that moment to use all of her fledgling strength to reach out to Ben and it leaves Rey gasping from the sensation of pure light moving through her as her child’s frantic cries scream outward.

 

He drops his saber immediately and becomes deathly still. But through the Force she feels him soothe their daughter and she can almost think clearly again. Her head has begun to hurt from everything rioting through her, buffeting her battered consciousness.

 

At first he only stands stiffly, facing the melted, scarred wall. Panting raggedly, he keeps his back to her for an age. But then he turns. His large, dark eyes are full of anguish and shame as he whispers, “Oh gods …”

 

“Ben?” she asks shakily. She’s not sure it’s safe to approach him and his whole face crumples.

 

“Rey … I would never, ever hurt you.” His voice is pleading. Desperate.

 

She wants to believe him, she truly does, but he’d seemed … mad.

 

His head falls into his hands and then he looks to the ceiling as he takes a long, shuddering breath. When his eyes again meet hers, the depth of regret makes her take a timid step towards him.

 

“I never wanted you to see me like this,” he admits in a low, mournful voice.

 

“This … this has happened before?” Will it happen again? Their daughter is so new, so small … she won’t remember this. But … will it stay with her anyway? What does it do to her to be constantly bathing in the intensity of both of their emotions? And if this happens when she’s a little girl … Rey remembers Plutt’s harsh words and harsher beatings. What would it do to her to see her papa like this?

 

“Yes … it’s happened before. I don’t … I don’t know how to control it. I never have,” he sighs out bleakly. “I had hoped … well, it doesn’t matter I suppose.” His eyes swim with powerlessness.

 

“No, please tell me.”

 

He sighs in resignation. “I had hoped—now that I’ve found you—that I would be able to control myself. But it turns out that nothing makes me lose myself more completely than you do.”

 

Rey frowns, filled with a perverse sense of responsibility. “I don’t … I don’t want that.”

 

“It’s not … I don’t mean it’s your fault.” He scrubs his face with his hands and goes to sit on the bed with shoulders hunched. She _hates_ when he looks like this, a beaten dog.

 

On some level she knows she should be afraid of him, but it’s like all the anger just bled out of him the minute he had realized he was affecting his daughter.

 

“And you,” he offers.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m sorry, I know you hate when I pick things up, but right now it’s like your thoughts are practically leaping into my head. The … storm passed as soon as I felt you. Both of you.” He looks up and his eyes are intense and serious. “I meant it. I will never hurt you. It won’t matter how far down I am, I’ll always stop myself when it comes to you.”

 

“How can you know that?”

 

“I’m not sure … I just sense it, that I _can’t_ hurt you.”

 

“You did once,” she says softly, remembering being thrown into that tree.

 

“And it felt incredibly wrong, discordant. You … you didn’t feel it when you …” He gestures to his scar.

 

“I did,” she admits softly.

 

Suddenly, she can’t be away from him any longer. She’s so out of her depth, but she can sense how badly he needs her. It’s obvious he won’t reach for her, a steady beat of _unworthy_ beating through him, so it’s up to her.

 

In the back of her mind, she knows this is a serious problem, that he may have already profoundly traumatized their baby with this outpouring of pure fury and complete lack of control. But the need to tend to him, to run calming hands along his back, hold him close, these are far more immediate.

 

So she goes to the bed, sitting next to him and taking his hand in hers.

 

Looking over at her, he starts, a look of incomprehension tinged with awe crossing his face. The minute she touches him it’s as if she’s released him and he’s wrapped around her, murmuring, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” into her hair.

 

\---

 

Leia has to grab her desk to keep from stumbling, Ben’s anguish and fury so potent. Oh, she remembers this. His room always needing new furniture after his bouts of destruction, her boy’s pain written so plainly in splintered wood and bent durasteel.

 

She’d learned the best thing to do was to let him rage. Luke had told her the tantrums had receded at the temple, but now she’s not so sure. Maybe he just learned to hide them.

 

He’d fled her office, clearly needing to get away. Perhaps before he’d lost control. She just hopes he’s secluded himself. She suspects they’ve only gotten worse. If she interfered he might do something he can’t take back.

 

So she slowly sits in her chair, stealing herself to wait and clean up the fall-out when and if it comes. Shutting her eyes against the cacophony in her head helps somewhat and she begins her Jedi breathing exercises.

 

Tears stream down her face as she finds her center.

 

\---

 

He’d been so sure she was going to leave him, so sure he was going to lose her. And now she’s letting him cling to her. It makes him want to fall to her feet, beg her to forgive him for his behavior.

 

Now that the chaos in his brain has receded, he sees he’s behaved abominably. Rey had made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want Dameron, but he just couldn’t hear. The terror came to fast, too hard and even he’s afraid of how dark his thoughts had turned.

 

She’s given him absolutely no reason to question her love for him. None at all. Yet he can’t remember the last time he’d spiraled to such a terrifying, murderous place. He has no doubt that had he crossed the pilot’s path on his way to his room, he would have killed him.

 

Shuddering in her arms, he can only babble how sorry he is, how much he loves her and she simply reassures him. Has there ever been another person made of such goodness?

 

Maker, he’s made himself so unworthy for her grace. But, selfish creature that he is, he’ll take it.

 

Eventually he calms and silence descends. Their child went quiet once she’d known he was alright. She clearly takes after her mother, having an odd instinctual sense about what he needs. Because right now, he desperately needs Rey.

 

He always needs her, all the time. He’d completely lost his mind when he’d faced even the idea of losing her. If he were to actually lose her … he would clearly go truly insane.

 

Softly, she asks, “What happened?”

 

Oh. Of course she’d want to talk about it … it was far too much to hope they could simply move on now that he’s back under control.

 

“I lost perspective.”

 

She pulls back, looking into his eyes, but still keeping him close. “In what way?”

 

“I … I just … I was convinced I was going to lose you … that Dameron would take you from me.”

 

A little crease of hurt forms between her brows. “But … I don’t want him. I never have. How could he take me if I don’t want to be taken?”

 

Letting out a long breath, he says, “In my experience, everyone I love either sets me aside or betrays me … and I’ve never loved anyone or anything with even a fraction of the intensity of what I feel for you. It’s as if you’ve invaded every one of my cells and I can’t breathe without you.”

 

“Oh …”

 

“I know. I know it’s too much. That I’m too much.”

 

She gets a thoughtful expression on her face. “Maybe for someone else, but … I’m not sure I would believe you, that you love me, if you didn’t love me like that. As soon as we’re apart, I start to doubt.”

 

That physically hurts, his chest constricting. “You doubt me?”

 

“I doubt _me_. That … that anyone could love me. But when we’re together, I feel it, I see it on your face, hear it in your words. I believe you when you tell me you love me. Yet … when we’re apart, all my history comes for me.”

 

He lets out a mirthless laugh. “This I understand. I can’t hold on to anything, it’s like I’m caught in the waves and I can only give into the undertow.”

 

This would be the perfect time to tell her how deeply his fear goes, how truly damaged he is. Explain how he got to this place where everything hurts. How everything always hurt—until her. But … he just needs her too much and he’s certain he’ll lose her if she knew all of it.

 

\---

 

She should talk to him about how this affects their daughter. She should ask more about these … spells. She should ask for time to think about all of this.

 

But she doesn’t want to. He feels so right and she just wants to make him feel loved, make herself feel loved. Besides, he’d acted like this because he thought he was going to lose her. If she makes sure he never has a reason to worry about that again, maybe this won’t happen ...

 

Suddenly, she’s not close enough. Not nearly close enough. If he holds her she won’t have to think, she can just _be_. Forget. Float in their singular connection.

 

She stands and he cries out, “No!” and his powerful arms wrap around her waist, pulling her in so tightly that she gives a little squeak.

 

“Ben, I just want us to get more comfortable, that’s all,” she reassures.

 

Going to her knees in front of him, she starts to take off his boots while he watches her curiously. Then she pulls off her own shoes before gently pushing him to lie down. He finally understands what he’s doing and the hopeful vulnerability in his eyes tells her this is the right thing to do.

 

He’s on his back, and she snuggles in next to him, on her side. Fitting her head at the hollow of his shoulder, she finds an opening between the clasps of his tunic. Gently, she starts to stroke the hot, firm flesh with her fingers find, trying to soothe him. Trying to soothe herself.

 

Shuddering out a little, “Oh,” he clasps her hand, pressing it flat against his heart. “Aren’t you … angry with me?” He pauses, then his voice cracks as he continues, “Afraid of me?”

 

A voice she refuses to listen to screams, “Yes!” but she pushes it away and lies to both of them. “No. I believe you. I believe that you would never hurt me.” But didn’t it hurt to have her baby so distressed, to see him so animalistic? Again she shoves it away. If he’d just let her keep touching him, she knows she won’t have to think about this anymore.

 

Swiftly, she moves up his body and slings a leg over him so that she’s now completely on top of him. His eyes fly open in shock and she pounces, stealing a kiss in his confusion. It doesn’t take him long to return her attentions.

 

\---

 

Shouldn’t she be furious with him? He’d behaved like a jealous lunatic then had a temper tantrum that would put any toddler to shame. His walls paint a lurid picture of fury and pain. Why isn’t she upset?

 

Is he really this lucky? Is she really just going to accept this and continue to be with him? Then she quickly rolls on top of him and before he’s gotten used to her welcome weight, she’s kissing him. Oh, oh Rey … His lips meld with hers and he eagerly welcomes her tongue, stroking his own into her mouth.

 

She’s sinking into him, her hands diving into his hair and he strokes his hands along her back. Of course he stirs in his trousers, but he’s feeling almost fragile so he pulls her up his torso, making sure she’s well away from temptation. He needs intimacy, not passion.

 

Swallowing her whine of frustration, between kisses he says, “Shhh, just let me kiss you. Please, Rey.”

 

Nodding, she kisses him deeply and he’s drowning, drugged. The terror of losing her melts away into her ardent caresses until he can’t even remember why he’d been afraid in the first place.

 

\---

 

Every time she tries to shift herself against him, he stills her with his hands on her hips and she’s getting frustrated. She has managed to undo his tunic halfway, giving her wonderful access to his chest. His hands have wandered under her tunic, still covered by her work clothes, and every time he flicks her nipple she gasps.

 

Why does he keep stopping her from escalating? Hadn’t he enjoyed it before?

 

Why doesn’t he want her?

 

No. No, she’s not going to think like that. Not anymore. She’s going to believe in him. He’s kissing her and kissing her, with no indication of stopping, so it’s something else.

 

Maybe she should … ask. It makes her feel so exposed, but when they talk, things do go better. She puts her hand on his sternum and pulls back, looking into his unfocused eyes.

 

“Rey?”

 

“I … why do you keep stopping me when I try to do what we did before?” she asks bluntly.

 

His eyes slide away and his expression grows pinched. “I just … I just want to kiss you, hold you.”

 

“But why only that?” she asks with a bit of a whine.

 

His lower lip trembles and he says, “Because … because I need your comfort … after my behavior, I shouldn’t … I shouldn’t take advantage.” As he finishes his face has that shamed look to it again. “Besides … last time … it opened me up, I felt so deeply connected to you. It was overwhelming.”

 

“You don’t want to feel connected?” Now she is getting hurt.

 

“No! I do! That’s not it, not at all.” Swiftly, he takes her hands and pulls her fingers to his mouth, kissing them everywhere. Slowing his attention to her hands, he offers, “I was feeling … vulnerable.” His cheeks flush and Rey frowns.

 

“And that makes you want to protect yourself from me?”

 

“What? No … gods, this is hard.” He breathes in deeply. “After I have one of my … explosions, I’m so drained. I couldn’t focus on pleasure. I needed comfort.”

 

Finally it clicks. She’d been trying to tend to him in the wrong way, take what she needed. She wants to bury her thoughts in that heady bliss, but he’d wanted to be quiet … soft. She smiles at him with a small, open smile.

 

“I understand, I do.”

 

A relieved breath escapes him. “I want to explore that aspect of our relationship, I promise you.”

 

“Maybe tonight, after dinner?” she asks with a shy yet seductive smile.

 

He barks out a laugh. “Yes, yes I think that’s a perfect idea. Oh! That reminds me.”

 

She squawks as he lifts her and unceremoniously plunks her on the bed next to him, scrambling to his feet.

 

Confusedly, she watches him go to the corner of his room and begin to paw through packages and she remembers what started this whole spiral of stupidity. He’d left to waste more credits on her. While scolding him feels like what she should do, instead she’s a little excited to find what his journey yielded.

 

“Alright. This is for your bed.” He places a large and heavy parcel in her hands.

 

Furtively, she opens the paper to find a luxurious blanket, thick and so, so soft. She excitedly pulls off the rest of the wrapping and throws the sumptuous cloth around her shoulders. Rey groans in happiness as the fluffy blanket settles around her shoulders. “Ben, this is … I’ve never felt something so soft!”

 

“You like it?”

 

“I do, I love it. I love you!”

 

He ducks his head, but the proud smile on his face makes Rey’s heart flutter.

 

“I love you, so much. I wanted to make sure you’re warm even if I’m not there.”

 

Rey gets a puzzled expression. “Why wouldn’t you be?” That panicky feeling comes again, the one that makes her doubt.

 

His eyes fly open. “I assumed last night was … an exception.”

 

“Do you not want to sleep with me?” Her chest tightens and she suddenly feels foolish for assuming that was just how things would be now.

 

“What? Of course I do. I’ve never slept better in my whole life.”

 

“Me too. So I think it would be pretty silly to sleep apart.” She manages to keep the hurt from her tone.

 

“Really?  You want … you want me to stay with you … every night?” he asks cautiously.

 

Oh, she sees. He hadn’t wanted to presume. The panic falls away and she’s grinning. “It makes sense. Anyway, it makes our daughter happy to have you close. Now we’ll both be happy.”

 

Ben sinks to his knees in front of her and kisses her forehead softly. “All three of us will be happy.” He’s trembling slightly when he whispers, “Thank you.”

 

His voice is thick when he eventually stands up, saying a bit too brightly, “Now, let me show you what else I found for you.”

 

When she catches his eyes, they’re wet with unshed tears.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! You always have my back and it's da bomb!
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, who got me converse sneakers covered in porgs!!!
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm terribly sorry it's been so long since an update. I had a rough week and it seriously messed with my writing. But I'm back! Thank you all so much for continuing to give your time to my story and for being so wonderfully supportive!


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grateful Grandma checks on the shenanigans in the kitchen and the Space Scoobies. Then Desperate Daddy feeds Mama Star while she tries to accept his devotion. Oh, then they get naked.

Leia sighs out as Ben’s tumultuous anger stills abruptly. She shudders and lets her head fall into her hands as she allows the peace to wash over her. She can only feel him when his emotions are wild or out of control. There have been a few moments where she’s picked up his intense feelings for Rey, which always makes her smile. Skywalkers love fiercely and forever, and as far as she can tell, her son is no exception.

 

It’s such a relief to have her head be her own once again, but she’s going to have to ensure that he did indeed manage to hide his breakdown. There have been no reports of unusual activity; Leia’s certain anything overt would have had everyone tripping over themselves to report her wayward child.

 

However, she will need to make discrete inquiries. And it’s high time she had Rey to her office for a little chat. Not now, though. If Ben is calm, she’s certain Rey is with him and that means she’s left her duty station. Having no wish to draw attention to Rey’s absence, Leia decides she’ll try to find her tonight in the mess. Ben had said she should check on the kitchens and she can’t possibly lead a proper rebellion with hungry people.

 

\---

 

The first clue something is off in the mess hall is the way the head of the kitchens stops in his tracks and runs back to his domain. Then Leia sees what’s actually being served, and she’s marching right behind the little coward.

 

“Olanth!” she bellows

 

“General Organa!” the pale man behind the bank of stoves gasps.

 

“What the hell is the meaning of this?” Leia yells, pointing to a tray of reconstituted grains.

 

“Dinner?” he asks instead of answering.

 

“You have a fairly generous budget; what _is_ this dreck?” She picks up a spoon and watches as the gray approximation of food drips unappetizingly back into the pan.

 

“It’s been difficult to make discreet supply connections!”

 

“Then why am _I_ served fresh meat and vegetables? You obviously have some avenues!”

 

“I send someone out to the markets for you, General!”

 

Leia’s eyes narrow, spotting a large tray of roasted bantha that looks succulent and recently acquired. “Just for me?”

 

“Well … and the kitchen staff. We’ll make sure to deliver Rey her meals as well, now that we know of her condition.”

 

“No! No special treatment for me _or_ the kitchen staff. Rey, however, is another matter.” She draws her face as close to the taller man as she can and orders in a low voice. “I want all of your records. This made sense on Shenden, but not on Corellia. You should have a sizable amount saved up since you’ve been using what appears to be emergency rations instead of proper food!”

 

“We haven’t had any complaints,” Olanth defends mulishly.

 

“Well now you have! Records, now!” she barks.

 

Olanth’s shoulders fall and he slinks back to his office muttering, “Yes, General.”

 

\---

 

Scanning the dinner crowd, Leia purses her lips, not able to find either Rey or her son. But she does find Finn, Rose, and Poe.

 

She approaches some of her favorites—not that she’d admit that, of course—and slides into a seat next to Poe.

 

“General!” Poe exclaims, starting to get to his feet.

 

“Oh, none of that. I won’t have you standing on ceremony. Sit back down!”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” Poe responds respectfully.

 

Leia rolls her eyes. “You’ve been calling me ‘Leia’ for quite some time, why the change?”

 

Poe looks down, bashful and contrite. “Well, with my recent behavior …”

 

“Yes, that’s been _extremely_ irritating. Is it out of your system?”

 

“I hope so … Leia.”

 

“Good.” Leia looks across the table to Finn and Rose and is pleased to see them discreetly holding hands. Finally! “Now, what brings me to see you tonight is that I’m looking for Rey.”

 

Finn and Rose exchange looks. It’s Rose who speaks first. “Rey and … uh, your son decided to have dinner in his room. I guess he went out and found food for them. Apparently he’s not happy with what we have here.” Her nose makes a small scrunch of distaste.

 

“Yes, he is rather … protective,” Leia acknowledges. Honestly, she would have raised holy hell sooner if she’d known.

 

Poe snorts. “That’s one word for it.”

 

Leia shoots him a pointed look and he holds his hands up, “Sorry, sorry.”

 

“He’s not wrong, you know,” Rose interjects.

 

“What do you mean?” Finn asks.

 

“Rey really does need more fresh food than this. I’m sure the doctor has prescribed vitamins, but nothing’s better than nutrition from the source when you’re growing a new life.”

 

“It’s true,” Leia says, then she pauses, wondering … “Rose … you … you don’t have a child do you?”

 

Finn’s eyes go absurdly wide and Rose just laughs her bright laugh. “No, no, no. I used to help the midwife back home.”

 

Finn sighs out in relief and Rose looks at him curiously.

 

Leia decides she wants to know much more about this and settles into her seat. These are skills the Resistance needs; Rey’s isn’t likely to be the only pregnancy. She’ll just check on Rey later. In fact, she’ll find her in the morning. She has no wish to interrupt any more of their … activities.

 

\---

 

“Oh, Ben, this is amazing!” Rey exclaims, looking over all of the food he’d found for her. He’d been careful to find items that didn’t need to be kept cold but were still full of nutrients. There’s cured meats, cheeses, bread, an assortment of jams, and all manner of fresh fruits and vegetables. He’d even found a bit of chocolate, remembering from somewhere that women especially enjoy that treat.

 

If his mother doesn’t manage to fix the situation in the mess hall swiftly, he’s going to have to pester her to get a conservator for Rey’s quarters, as he’d prefer not to make daily trips to see that she’s fed properly. Being away from her like that had … not gone well. However, he will go out every day if that’s what it takes. After a life of toil and starvation, he’s not about to see her have anything but quality.

 

“You didn’t have to do this …” she sighs out, looking troubled.

 

“Rey … please. We’ve talked about this. It makes me happy. You have no idea how much. Besides,” he continues, placing his hand on her belly. “Our little star needs proper nutrition. Let me do this for _her_ , at least.”

 

“Oh … I hadn’t really thought about it that way. I’m just …” Her eyes rove over the almost comical amount of food and she looks off into space. “Since coming to the Resistance, that there was always food, as much as I wanted … that was enough for me. I don’t even know the difference between healthy and sustenance. If it keeps me alive …” Her hands flail aimlessly.

 

The sad, overwhelmed look on her face pierces through his heart and he sweeps her into his arms, nuzzling the crown of her head. “I know … I know sweetheart. But you don’t have to live like that, not anymore. I’m here, I’ll always see you taken care of.”

 

She shakes her head into his chest. “I don’t even have a place for that. I can’t begin to fathom it. Count on someone else for food in my belly, a roof over my head? I’ve never relied on anyone but myself.”

 

“You’ve allowed the Resistance to look after you,” he says evenly, though jealousy simmers in his blood. She’ll accept their care, why not his?

 

“That’s different. I _work_ for my keep.” Her lips purse and her eyes hold a stubborn cast.

 

He takes in a steadying breath and reminds himself that she truly has no experience with being loved. At least he has his childhood, as tumultuous as it was. Food and shelter had never been something he’d even known he could lose. If he’s honest with himself, he’d never really thought about it until Rey.

 

Pulling back slightly, he holds her gaze, a serious expression on his face. “Would you expect our child to earn her meals and bed when she’s old enough?”

 

Horror fills her eyes and her mouth hangs open for a moment. Shakily, she asks, “How can you even ask me such a thing? Of course not! I’ll do everything, _anything_ I have to in order to take care of her!”

 

“Precisely.”

 

“But I’m not your child!” she exclaims, glaring at him.

 

“No, you most certainly are not. But you do _carry_ my child.” If he has to make it seem like making sure she has proper food and anything else she desires is only for their daughter, he will.

 

She blinks furiously and the fight flows out of her. “Oh,” is all she says.

 

“Do you see? Do you understand?” This is the first hurdle, he’ll work up to caring for her, too, once the baby is born.

 

She nods and looks down. “I understand. I won’t … I won’t argue anymore.”

 

Her cowed expression bothers him. “I’m not upset with you. I just need this. I can’t even explain what’s inside me, I just have to do whatever I can to … to ... “ He sighs in frustration. “You’re _growing her inside you,_ this is the only way I can … help,” he finishes lamely.

 

Rey’s eyes soften and she says, “It’s going to be hard for me, but you’re right. She’s yours, too and it’s not fair not to let you participate. It’s not like we can take turns.” She chuckles lightly.

 

Smiling widely, he pulls her back to his chest. He desperately hopes that this is the last time they have to have this conversation even as he knows that’s highly unlikely.

 

After he enjoys the feeling of her in his arms for a moment, he tips her face up and kisses her softly. The spark that travels between them has hands wandering and the kiss deepening quickly. Gods, she tastes perfect and he excitedly recalls their plans for after dinner … but wait … right, dinner.

 

Gentling his kisses, he murmurs against her lips, “Now, let me feed you, my heart.”

 

Her expression grows startled and her eyes wide.

 

“What?” he asks in confusion.

 

“Your heart?”

 

“Yes, my heart.” She gets that shy, hopeful air about her that he’s learning means she wants to believe in him but doesn’t know how. “Don’t you understand what you mean to me?” It had just fallen from his lips, as easy as breathing.

 

“Maybe? I’m trying to.”

 

“Well, I’ll just have to keep showing you. But, come, we missed lunch. Let me feed you.”

 

He leads her to his bed and encourages her to sit before he begins to prepare the food on a makeshift space he’d set up on top of his chest of drawers.

 

\---

 

This has to be the most decadent experience of her life. They’re sitting on his floor, and he has her leaning back against his chest while he literally feeds her.

 

He’d prepared a salad, using a small set of kitchen items he’d procured. She’s beginning to wonder how much else he has stashed away. Then he’d wrapped some of the cured meat around slices of a sweet, purple melon. He’d finished their meal by spreading little pieces of bread with creamy cheese and a spiced preserve that she kept stealing finger-fulls of, much to his annoyance.

 

Now he’s encouraging her to have another bite of the salad, going on about her needing to eat green things. Giving into his need to care for her is terrifying and, conversely, makes her feel wonderfully safe. It’s so tempting to just trust him. Focus on her baby, let him worry about such things, but she _can’t_.

 

A lifetime of instincts scream that this is some sort of trap. She can’t wipe the image of him howling in rage from behind her eyelids. Though the baby is content and near sleep, Rey is still terrified of what his outburst might have done to her.

 

But right now, he’s being so thoughtful, so loving that she ignores the prickle at the back of her neck and just lets go …

 

\---

 

Her back had grown uncomfortable from twisting to accept the tempting morsels he’d slipped between her lips, so now they’re sitting across from each other, each enjoying the food. Luckily, he hadn’t insisted on feeding her the whole meal. While she’d enjoyed making him gasp by occasionally sucking on his fingers, she likes being able to look at him.

 

“Oof, I’m stuffed,” she exclaims, feeling warm and satisfied.

 

He gets an odd gleam in his eyes and she sees a hunger that isn’t for food. “What?” she asks.

 

“Oh … I was just thinking about how gorgeous you’ll be when you’re round with our daughter.”

 

She grimaces and rubs her still-flat belly. “I can’t imagine it. I won’t be much use towards the end of the pregnancy.”

 

“Nonsense.”

 

“Well, I suppose I’ll still be able to fix droids and some of the ships-”

 

“No, I meant that you’ll be doing the most important thing you could possibly be doing.”

 

“What?” she asks, a perplexed expression on her face.

 

“Making sure she’s healthy and ready to meet us properly.”

 

She thinks about it for a moment, remembering how perilous the last few weeks of pregnancy were for the women of Jakku. “Still … the one thing I’ve always had was my ability to use my body to keep myself defended and fed … I’m … I’m nervous, I guess.”

 

“You’ve nothing to worry about. Even if I weren’t here, my mother will do everything in her power to protect you. Truly, Rey, you won’t need to do anything towards the end. Honestly, you don’t need to do anything now.”

 

“I can’t imagine that, being idle … I think I’d lose my mind.”

 

He smiles at her and swiftly jumps to his feet, clearing away the remains of their dinner. Then he returns to her, holding out his hands. “Come here.”

 

Placing her hands in his, he pulls her to her feet and sits her on his bed. Kneeling before her, he takes off her boots one by one, then helps her remove her work shirt. His lips twitch when he sees the vibrant red tunic he’d purchased for her on Eshara. “It looks lovely on you. Thank you for indulging me.”

 

He sits on the edge of the bed and starts to lie down, pulling her to him. “Now, let me hold you. Let me show you how you won’t have to worry with me beside you.”

 

“Just hold me?” she asks suggestively.

 

“For now,” he says noncommittally

 

Then she finds herself held close in his arms, her head cradled against his chest. How can this gentle man be the same person as that violent creature who had left his wall a mass of scarred and melted crystal? His hands touch her as if she’s precious, worth more than all the wealth in the galaxy and yet … No, she’s not going to let that spoil this moment.

 

Ben sighs contentedly, then his hand begins to trace lazy circles on her belly. “I meant it you know. You’ll be exquisite, so vital. I’m eager for you to start to show.”

 

“But my body will change so much … what if … what if you don’t like it? I mean, you can’t really know-”

 

“Oh, I know. Rey, do you have any idea what it does to me to know you have part of me inside you? That sooner than we can fathom, there’s going to be a little life that we created?”

 

“Well, we didn’t exactly create it …” It’s so absurd, and she laughs slightly. “We’re doing this all so backwards.”

 

She looks up at him and he looks almost hurt. “What … what did I say?” she asks.

 

He shakes his head. “It’s nothing.”

 

“It’s not nothing. What is it?”

 

Sighing heavily, he looks away for a moment. “I just … I just wish I could have … that … I love you so much and I would have liked to have …” he trails off and there’s a slight blush staining his cheeks.

 

“What would you have liked?” she encourages.

 

“You must understand … I love you, I love our baby. I know I probably wouldn’t be here with you had the Force not intervened. Yet I can’t help but wish I’d courted you properly, held your eyes, when … when …”

 

“When?”

 

“I just wish I could look back, remember the moment we made her … that I’d been able to … to make love to you,” he says very quietly.

 

Understanding blooms inside her and Rey thinks about it for a moment. Just imagining what that might have been like, having him inside her, this amazing energy between them being given free rein. Choosing to create a life together … But they did make the choice to reach out, touch each other across the systems. And she knows she wants to explore everything they can do to, do with each other … though maybe not _that_ , not just yet.

 

But … still, perhaps they hadn’t joined in the traditional way, but something profound had sparked between them. She has no idea if sharing themselves would be more or less intense.

 

“In a way, we did. We didn’t know what would happen … but it had to be when we touched hands. And we chose that.” She looks into his eyes and lets out a quivering breath. “I’ve never felt so connected to another person,” she admits.

 

“No … neither have I. It was … singular … so ….”

 

“Intimate.”

 

\---

 

Her eyes are so open and he feels completely exposed. But it doesn’t frighten him, or make him want to throw up his defenses. Instead, he wants to shed off all vestiges of his thick walls and stand with her, stripped of everything but how much he loves her.

 

There aren’t words for this feeling and he leans down, kissing her, trying to show her with his body what he’s feeling. He whimpers into her mouth, the touch of her lips only making his heart swell with this sweet perfection.

 

All he can say is, “Rey …” because she is everything, _everything_. She’s his heart, his soul, his answer, his question.

 

She deepens the kiss and it turns in a moment. Her skin, he needs her skin. Will she allow him to wrap his naked body with hers, know what it’s like to press all of their flesh together? That’s all he wants, to be tangled, close.

 

Before he asks, he reaches out with the Force to ensure that his daughter is truly asleep. It makes him uncomfortable to think of her experiencing any of these feelings. There’s only an even beat in her signature and pulls back slightly from Rey.

 

“I … I want …” Everything he can think of to say just sounds tawdry, animal, not the closeness he craves. He just needs … he needs to touch her, for her to touch him. It’s like his skin is starving for hers.

 

Then Rey is sitting up and undoing the clasps on her tunic, her eyes knowing. “I do, too.”

 

“But … how …”

 

“Whatever is between us is growing stronger, I think. And you’re so open right now. Yes, Ben, I want to feel you as much as you want to feel me.”

 

He widens his perception and feels that same deep yearning swirling in her and he stills her hands as they reach the next closure of her garment. “Please, let me.”

 

Trepidation flashes through her eyes, but then she nods slightly.

 

His hands tremble as he lifts them to the fabric. Clumsily, he manages to undo the row of clasps and he pauses, taking in the thin strip of her delicate skin. This isn’t the first time he’s seen her breasts, but somehow revealing them himself feels like he’s been granted something sacred.

 

Slowly, he parts the fabric and gasps when his fingers touch her skin, trailing along her naked flesh as he pushes the tunic from her fine shoulders. “Oh, oh Rey …”

 

Now she’s trembling too, pulling her arms free of the fabric. She stands and shyly takes his hands, encouraging him to stand with her.

 

The room is thick with a heady, anticipatory silence. Her hands raise hesitantly, then she’s finding the fastenings to his shirt. Each whisper of her fingertips against his chest makes his shallow breathing hitch; the teasing flutter leaving him wanting to both swiftly remove all their clothing and stay in this moment forever.

 

Soon, his own shirt falls to the floor and they stand in front of each other, partially exposed. Her breathing is short and uneven and he can’t stop the tremors moving through him. Giving in to the need to touch her, he glides his hands down her shoulders, then her arms, and finally he clasps her fingers, leaving gooseflesh in his wake.

 

Holding her eyes, willing his devotion into her, he shakily brings her hands to the waistband of his trousers, seeking and giving permission with his gaze. He won’t ask her to be completely bare until he himself is as vulnerable as he can make himself.

 

Her fingers catch on the cloth through their trembling as she looks down to unfasten his belt. This isn’t about lust, not precisely, but each teasing touch of her knuckles and fingertips goes straight to his center and the low level arousal ignites in his belly, leaving him hard and aching.

 

Eventually she has him nearly panting and his trousers hanging low on his hips. Holding his breath, he watches her intently as she works the last of his clothing down his body, going to her knees as she does so. Her hands smooth down his thighs and a breathy moan escapes him, breaking the quiet of this transcendent moment.

 

She looks up from her place on the floor as he steps out of the tangle of cloth and he swallows the urge to hide his straining erection.

 

Her eyes seem a liquid brown in the low-light of his room as she stays kneeling. Then her gaze drops to his hardness and her hand move slowly, so slowly towards him. For the rest of his days, he’ll remember the image of Rey hesitantly drawing her fingers lightly over his length.

 

The whimper that falls from his lips is quiet and needful, and the instinctual part of him wants to grab her hand, curl her fingers around him, show her what he likes. But this isn’t about that and he reaches for her shoulders, lifting her to her feet as her hand drops from her exploration.

 

Just one more bridge to cross, but he pauses, holding her eyes. There’s a whisper of fear threaded through the heat in her gaze.

 

“Rey … if you’re not ready-”

 

“I want to. I want you to see me. All of me.” She gets a determined set to her jaw and clumsily places his hands at her waist.

 

Still unsure, he strokes up and down her sides and the trepidation fades. “Please,” she entreats.

 

Who is he to deny her? His hands feel huge and ungainly as he hooks his thumbs at her waistband. As she had done, he slowly, gently pushes down her leggings. There’s a long scar along her thigh and he lets his thumb trace it, causing her to gasp.

 

Once he’s kneeling in front of her, his eyes are pulled to her center. He wasn’t prepared for what the catch of her scent would _do_ to him and he’s filled with an almost overwhelming need to _taste_ her, bury his nose in the fine thatch of curls at the apex of her thighs.

 

But he controls himself and helps her lift her feet from her clothing. Looking up into her nervous face, he says, “You’re so beautiful, so perfect.”

 

Then he does indulge himself as he softly caresses up the length of her scar, leaving one last lingering kiss on her hip bone.

 

A bit unsteadily, he rises to his full height, drawing her into his arms as he does.

 

“Oh … oh,” he sighs out, feeling all of her skin for the first time. Something deep inside him unfurls, winding throughout his whole body. A thirst he didn’t know he had is quenched in a moment and something essential slides into place. “I didn’t know …” he whispers reverently, tears pricking at his eyes.

 

But then he feels her start to shake and pulls back to see her face. Tears are rolling down her cheeks and her eyes are overwhelmed and enormous.

 

“Rey … oh, my love.”

 

“I didn’t know either … that I could … it’s like I’ve needed this my whole life, you, us, touching like this.”

 

Enfolding her back in his arms, his throat thick, he only nods.

 

But through the Force he invites her into his heart, sharing how he, too is shaken to his very core by what it feels like to hold her like this, nothing between them.

 

Then he gasps as he feels her respond, letting her own emotions twine with his. The depth of intimacy is unfathomable as flashes of her history glint through him. The glimpses tumble in no discernable pattern.

 

_Rey, small and shockingly skinny, holding herself as she cries her very young self to sleep. Her arms wrapped around her empty belly, imagining they’re her mother’s._

_Watching two young lovers steal kisses behind the cantina, wondering what it would be like to just be held, just once._

_A sandstorm lasting for days, leaving her with nothing but her loneliness to distract her; how she’d nearly lost her grasp on reality as fantasy had become hopelessly entangled with her isolation._

_Another day marked on her wall. Another day since someone touched her gently._

 

Holding her as close as he possibly can, he makes sure the Force is wrapped tightly around her. His own eyes are now brimming with tears as he finally comprehends just how deeply her wounds go.

 

He presses a kiss to the space just in front of her ear and murmurs what she means to him in a low, fervent voice.

 

“Do you know why I call both of you my twin stars?”

 

She shakes her face against his bare chest.

 

“Because I will love you, orbit you, surround you until the stars go out and beyond. This, here, what’s between us … it’s eternal. Forever.”

 

Her voice is small and cautious when she asks, “Forever?”

 

“Forever.”

 

At the center of her light, he feels his words take root and he knows that she finally believes him.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! Particularly helpful comments this week, m'dear! 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! He leaves for his new Monday - Friday travel schedule this weekend and he's being such a snuggle-bunny. It's like he's trying to stock up for the week and it's pretty freakin' awesome.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm sorry I've slowed down, but I do promise to update every week at least. Thank you for your patience! Hugs, love, and absurdity!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our blushing virgins explore each other. Desperate Daddy might not survive when they finally do the deed.

She shifts slightly and looks up into his eyes. Her history is fading from their connection and leaving only this transcendent closeness. He wants to move them to his bed, but he doesn’t dare break the intimacy of standing with her, their skin pressed so close.

 

“You understand?” she asks as he tries to think through the unfathomable feeling of all of her skin against his, how their bond is streaming between them, mirroring how bare they are before each other.

 

“I do, I understand.” How can he not, seeing, _feeling_ what her life had been? It’s been years since he’s been touched with anything other than violence, but he at least had a few scant years of memories; held close in his mother’s lap, his father ruffling his hair. Those cozy mornings where he’d nestle between his parents before Han had declared he was, “Too old for that.” But his mother … she’d still cuddled him whenever he’d let her.

 

Rey though, where those memories should be is only a scalding expanse of burning sand and the sting of Plutt’s hand across her cheek. Quietly, he writes Plutt’s name and face into his memory.

 

Her searching eyes find something in his, or perhaps in the Force, and she says, “I understand, too. How you’ve suffered.”

 

He shakes his head. No, that's not anywhere near the same. He’d invited the pain, begged for it, even. Thinking it would make him better. The more time he has without Snoke’s sneering voice in his head, the clearer it becomes that he’d been expertly manipulated. It would be easy to find solace in that, but instead, he just feels impossibly naive. It doesn’t matter why he did the things that he’s done. It was still his choice.

 

Yes … the monastic, touchless existence had already become familiar at Skywalker’s school, but he’s the one who embraced the dark. He did that, no one else.

 

And now he’s not sure that he’d change anything, for fear it would take this from him. Take the path that led him to this moment, touching and being touched by _Rey_. All of it, he’d endure it all again a million times if it brought him to Rey carrying his brilliant light of a daughter and the potent sense of _sharing_ he’s feeling with her right now.

 

Her hand begins to trace one of his many scars, though it’s the ones she can’t see that she’s healing. “Oh, Ben ….” she murmurs.

 

Pulling her tightly against him, his breath ghosts the fine hairs around her ear as he whispers, “No … don’t. I would do it all again to be here with you.”

 

He feels her tense in his arms so he glides his large hands up and down the silken skin of her back. “Truly, Rey. I don’t care how I got here, holding you, you _wanting_ me to hold you. Everything was worth it.”

 

For a moment he panics as he feels her move in his arms, worried that he’s frightened her somehow, but then she’s on her toes and she’s kissing him softly and completely. Her hands smooth over him and he shudders under the gentleness of her touch.

 

Raggedly, he breathes out, “Your touch, feeling you, it’s as if I’ve tasted water for the first time. All my life, I’ve needed you and didn’t even know it.”

 

“I know what it is to be thirsty, to nearly die of it …” She doesn’t finish her thought, but through the Force he’s pulled into a memory. Her parched throat as she finally finds water after two days, how nothing had tasted so sweet.

 

Rey holds his eyes intently. “But this … it’s like my soul has found cool, clean water.”

 

“Yes, exactly, _yes_.” Closer, he has to find a way to be closer to her. Then he’s lifting her in his arms, her own twining around his neck. Their mouths find each other’s and they delve so deeply into this hallowed space between them.

 

As he lays her down on his bed, she begs, “Touch me.”

 

Yes, that’s it. That’s what he needs, to blur what remains of the line between them. “Where, where do you want me to touch you?” His voice is low and pleading.

 

“ _Everywhere._ ”

 

\---

 

For a moment, Ben looks completely overwhelmed, sitting next to her as he gazes on her naked body. It’s as if he doesn’t know where to start. She’d like to encourage him to touch her _there_ but she’s nervous. She’s not even explored herself much, always giving up in frustration.

 

So she takes his hand and guides it to her breast. Eagerly, he begins to swipe her nipple with his thumb, making her gasp. He licks his lips and his eyes gleam with a new hunger. She suddenly feels a deep need for him to _suck_ and she realizes it’s coming from him.

 

For a moment she’s perplexed, thinking of the few nursing women she’s seen. He wants to suckle like a baby? But, no … the craving comes from a _very_ different place.

 

Leaning forward, he draws her nipple through his fingers, sending a shock to her center. Wetness pools between her thighs and that delicious tension is forming. His lips glisten and his tongue darts out again.

 

Suddenly she _wants_ to feel his mouth on her breasts. “Yes, do it,” she nearly hisses.

 

“You want …” His eyes gleam with hope and trepidation.

 

“Yes, please, Ben. Please.”

 

Time stops as he hesitantly shifts to lay down beside her on his side, his face now inches from her breast. She arches her back until her tightened point is so close to his beautiful mouth. That’s all the encouragement he needs and he makes a low, needful sound when he captures her nipple with his lips.

 

“Oh, gods!” she cries out as he begins to lathe her with his tongue. It travels straight to that place that had felt so good before, and she jolts forward.

 

His eyes widen and he pulls back suddenly. “Did I hurt you?!” he asks, true terror in his voice.

 

“No, Maker, no. Please, _please_ keep going. It feels so good.”

 

He pauses for a moment so she grabs his head and pushes him down. He gets the message quickly and latches on, sucking a bit more forcefully.

 

It makes her throb between her legs and she needs … she needs _more_. Something, that same something is beginning to build, but it’s not enough.

 

“Touch me,” she moans.

 

He stills at her breast and she cries out, “Don’t stop!”

 

Obediently, he continues to suck and lick her, but she can tell he doesn’t understand, so she takes his hand and rather pointedly places it over her center.

 

Again he stops and she finds herself growling at him. “I need you, Ben, please, oh please,” she begs. It almost hurts when he stops his attentions to her breast and somehow she knows if he’d just find that aching place inside her it would help. She feels so _empty_.

 

Shakily he asks, “I … you’re sure?” His emotions are broadcasting all over the place; he’s as excited as she is but terribly nervous. Afraid he’ll hurt her, push her too far, she senses.

 

Holding his eyes, she lets her thighs fall open and rolls her hips against his hand. “I’m sure. I promise I’ll tell you if I want you to stop.”

 

He takes in a deep breath and watches her face closely as he gently parts her folds with his fingertips. His movements are so cautious, so slow that she feels like she might go mad if he doesn’t just _do_ something.

 

“Inside,” she begs raggedly. “I need your fingers inside.”

 

\---

 

Oh, Force. He’s never felt anything like this in his life. He’d thought the feel of her hardened peak in his mouth had been sublime, but this _transports_ him. She’s so hot, so slick as he eases a single finger into her tightness. Just the thought of what it might be like to feel her smooth, velvet walls wrapped around him makes his cock jump.

 

But he doesn't want to think about that. He wants to focus on Rey, find out how to give her pleasure. She’s clearly getting frustrated and it makes him feel completely inadequate; he has no idea what he’s doing.

 

Her desperate need is coursing through him and he decides he’ll trust her to tell him if he’s doing something wrong, or painful. Slowly, he begins to thrust his finger in and out of her and she starts to writhe, bucking against his hand, encouraging him to go faster, deeper.

 

As he gives into her body’s instructions, she pants and he gets more confident in his ministrations. She feels slightly different in this one patch, so he decides to explore a bit. Hooking his finger slightly, he presses against it and draws the pad along the spongy tissue.

 

Rey’s eyes fly wide and she gasps sharply. She hasn’t asked him to stop, so he hopes the gasp meant he’s doing it right. She confirms his suspicions when she sobs out, “That, Ben, please, right there.”

 

A gorgeous flush goes from the tops of her breasts all the way to her cheeks and her parted lips look almost red as her pants grow harsh. He continues to pump his finger inside her and they find a shared rhythm.

 

“You’re so beautiful like this,” he whispers. He wants to tell her how grateful, how honored he is to be allowed to touch her, to pleasure her, but he’s not sure he could find the words and keep his concentration.

 

“More, I need more,” she begs. More? More what? Faster, harder? Something different? He just wants to do this right, make this good for her.

 

When she’d found her release before, it had been from grinding down on him and he wonders if he can provide the same stimulation. He pulls his hand from her and she whimpers at the loss, her eyes glassy and pleading.

 

“Shhh. I want to try something.”

 

He shifts up the bed so that he can try a new angle. Twisting his hand, he rubs down at the top of her entrance and slips his finger back inside her.

 

“Yes,” she moans gratefully. Then her hand clenches in his bed clothes and her head falls back.

 

It takes him some time to coordinate his thrusting finger with grinding his palm against her, but as soon as he gets it she shouts,” Oh my gods, Ben!”

 

He presses down more firmly and she’s begun to almost sob. The most amazing little flutters have begun to undulate along his finger and he can tell that _something_ is building. Yes, yes, _yes_.

 

He’s rigid and his hips have begun to move in time with his hand, his body desperate to join hers in this dance. His own orgasm is starting to build, so aroused from her moans and cries.

 

And her expression, gods, her expression! She keeps biting her luscious, pink lip and making a high whine, punctuated by a keening, needful sound that goes straight to his cock. A jolt of pleasure races up his spine and he begins to suspect he’s getting echoes of her sensations.

 

Through her wails of bliss, she stutters out, “A-another, f-finger. Force, please, more!”

 

Quick to comply, he adds a second digit, never breaking his pace. She startles him when she grabs his face and kisses him fiercely just as her walls clamp down on his hand. He can barely think through the intense feelings coming from her. Ben can _feel_ her pleasure deep in his core as she begins to crest.

 

Oh, oh gods, he thinks he’s going to … Dear Maker, it’s so intense, so mind-numbingly good. He has to see her, so he pulls back to watch her face as the damn breaks. He shouts out in surprise as his body responds to her shattering around his fingers. His center thrums with heat and shared sensation.

 

Then his eyes go wide as the aftershocks of her climax send him over his own blissful end. “Rey, I’m—stars, Rey!”

 

There’s no thought, just instinctual thrusting against her thigh as thick ropes burst from him, pulling a surprised cry from his throat.

 

He holds her gaze reverently as they ride out his second-hand orgasm together, her hips undulating from the borrowed bliss. As the exquisite, transcendent pleasure ebbs away, they’re left shuddering and gasping. Rey’s eyes are full of awe and so open. He wants to fall into them and never return.

 

Breathing in tandem, they both blink slowly, He’d never expected to feel her orgasm—let alone have his own release triggered. If he’d thought he’d felt close to her when he’d first held her naked body against his, this has left him wide open and beautifully vulnerable. She could learn anything she wanted right now, his defenses well and truly destroyed by their shared passion.

 

There aren’t words for what they’ve experienced, not any he can form. The depth of their connection, the height of ecstasy … he can only watch her and gently run his fingers through her hair, drink in her delicate face and fathomless eyes. He couldn’t possibly look away from her, not with how his heart beats only for her.

 

She mirrors his movements and cards her hands through his hair, fingers trembling. Then she leans towards him and kisses him languidly, sweetly. He surges forward, returning her affection, trying to communicate what this has meant to him because to speak feels almost blasphemous.

 

Needing her eyes again, he pulls back and love flows between them. She smiles softly and warmth unfurls in his chest. He can’t really discern who is feeling what. It’s all just a hazy blend of passion, wonder, and adoration. There’s no space between them, now

 

Eventually, as their breathing calms, he can feel himself becoming distinct again, losing Rey woven throughout him. No! He’s not ready! He _needs_ to be merged with her, this place is perfection; he never wants to leave. All there is is _her_ and nothing can touch him here. His sins are washed clean by her light.

 

But as he still doesn’t really understand how they’d tangled together so completely, so he has to simply let it fade and pull her warm, sated body closer. He wonders how it will feel to make love to her; it’s impossible to imagine how he could possibly feel any more entwined with Rey.

 

Her face takes on a sad cast and suddenly she’s kissing him again, more forcefully, pressing her tongue into his mouth insistently. Happily inviting her in, he returns her caress with equal fervor. She wraps her arms around him and almost pulls him on top of her.

 

In that moment he realizes with a flash of hot embarrassment that he came all over her thigh. “Wait, the mess-”

 

“I don’t care, I need you close, as close as you can be,” she says in a pleading voice.

 

Her legs come around him and lock behind his waist. Before he’s quite caught up, he lets out a quiet moan as his softening length settles against her center, his elbows on either side of her head.

 

She sighs out, “Better.”

 

He nods dumbly, not quite believing that she wants him nestled between her thighs like this.

 

“I’m not ready … after …” she trails off.

 

“No … no, neither am I. I don’t have the words for how I’m feeling,” he admits.

 

“You don’t need them. I felt you, Ben. All of you. And you’re beautiful.”

 

“I … no, I’m not.” Self-loathing crashes over him like ice water and he suddenly feels like he shouldn’t touch her, taint her.

 

“Stop, no … I know you, Ben Solo, and I promise you, all of you is beautiful. I know you’ve done awful things, but that’s not who you are. I know it.”

 

He buries his face in her hair and tries to believe her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! She noted that this was more like lemon custard than a lemon and I have to agree with her. You always make me grin, m'dear.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing. He's gone for his first week away with his new job and he ordered me a lovely flowy red shirt so I would get a treat while he was gone. I miss him horribly, but am keeping busy. 
> 
> Thank you readers! NaNoWriMo is upon us and I'm going to try to write 50K this month. Let's see if I can do it! Thank you so much for giving your time and attention to my fic!


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thirsty Mama gets her, ahem, hands on Desperate Daddy with predictable results.

Ben’s naked body against hers is the first thing she notices as she wakes up. They’d shifted into a tangle of limbs in the night, and now he’s wrapped around her. There’s a tangible sense of protection in his hold, as if some part of him is actively keeping her close, even though he’s soundly asleep. Allowing herself to drift in his embrace for a moment, she remembers how close they’d been last night, how their Force signatures had woven together so tightly.

 

Though the merging of their consciousnesses had surprised her, it had felt so incontrovertibly _right_ that she’d not questioned it for a moment. This bond has curled around her heart so completely that now she craves for it to continue to grow, to merge them utterly. When they’d been curled around each other, there had been only shuddering completion. But as it had waned, she’d been able to sense such a dark, swelling ocean within him.

 

Is that what he fights? She can’t imagine living with that; it would certainly drown her with its oppressive feelings of shame and disgust. The emptiness inside her is more like an echoing cavern. But in Ben, it’s thick and grasping. How does he keep from being pulled under?

 

But their connection, somehow it seems to push it back, keep him on the shore. No wonder he’s always run towards it while she’s shied from it. Now though … she doesn’t like being far from him—physically _or_ emotionally. It’s almost as if she’s half a person without him.

 

That thought makes her frown and the safety of his bed begins to leach out. What if she loses herself? How will she be able to protect her child from his rages? Her breath catches in her throat as the meaning of that thought coalesces. She’d been able to push it away, lost in the bliss of his skin, his hands, the way they’d almost become one being … but now with them both back in their own minds, the reality of her situation howls in and her concern for their daughter beats soundly in her head.

 

She has to face how unstable he is, but she doesn’t quite know _how_. Talking to him about it just feels _dangerous_. His temper is volatile and she never knows what will cause him to fall apart. He’s like a field of rocks and craters; as soon as she sees the obstacle, she’s already fallen to the ground.

 

Yet … he loves her so completely. It’s obvious that his feelings for her contribute to his lack of control. And she understands how fear can steal your reason. Is that what’s happening to her? Is it just her fear of failing her child, of losing him, that makes this seem so terrifying? Maybe she’s overthinking it …

 

His breathing is still calm and even, so she tries to untangle herself. He went through so much yesterday … she should let him sleep as long as she can. And … she’s not quite ready to face him. But as soon as she begins to move, his arms pull her tightly to his chest and he mumbles, “No. Mine.”

 

A flare of happiness tinged with panic glints through her heart. Being his … she never thought she’d revel in letting go the way that she can with him. It always sounded suffocating to have a … well … a mate. The vulnerability, the trust were unfathomable. But now, an instinctive part of her sighs out in contentment.

 

However, that voice inside scares her, makes her wonder what she’s missing in the throes of love and passion. He’s right. She’s his; she doesn’t know how not to be. In a way, she’s always been his. Meeting him simply solidified that essential truth.

 

Frustrated with the thoughts circling endlessly in her head, she rather forcefully pulls herself from his embrace.

 

Startled, he blinks awake and blearily grunts, “Rey?”

 

“It’s morning. I have to get ready for work.”

 

Ben clears his throat and shakes his head a bit. Then he looks at her keenly. “What’s wrong?” His eyes look wounded and it brings Rey back to his bed, perching on the side.

 

“Nothing’s wrong. I just have to go back to my room to get ready. You still have about half an hour.”

 

“Right, right,” he acknowledges. “I’ll get up. Make you some breakfast.”

 

“You don’t have to do th-”

 

“Yes I do,” he says sternly as he gets to his feet.

 

She can’t help her sharp intake of breath when she sees him standing naked before her. His strong body and expanse of pale skin makes her want to comm Leia and say they’ll be late. Her eyes are pulled to how he’s partially hard and her fingers twitch to feel him in her hand again. She’d had so little time to explore ...

 

Shifting to stand before her, he tips her face up and she finds him grinning. “I’m up here, love.”

 

Her cheeks heat and she gives him a sheepish smile before muttering, “Sorry.”

 

“Oh, don’t be sorry. I’m … I’m glad you like to look at me.” The bashful look on his face makes her heart clench with remembering how he sees himself.

 

Standing, she presses herself to him and they both sigh as that energy flows between them. “I’ve told you, you’re beautiful.”

 

His eyes dart away for a moment and he makes a small frown before his expression clears. “ _You’re_ beautiful.” She shudders as he strokes his large hands up and down her back before he cups her face and kisses her softly at first, then more insistently.

 

His caress travels straight to her core, and her need for him only burns brighter. His cock stiffens obviously against her belly, and she can’t help it, she wriggles against him, making him gasp.

 

“Rey …” There’s a powerlessness to his voice that makes her feel wicked and she trails her fingers down his chest before finding him between them and grasping his thick hardness.

 

He’s so vital in her hand, his cock pulsing against her palm. Gripping him firmly, she begins to stroke, hoping she’s doing it right. His shuddering pants of pleasure encourage her, and she increases her pace.

 

“Force, Rey!” he cries out.

 

She doesn’t care that she’ll be late, she just wants to lose herself in this place where there’s only him and this beautiful feeling that sweeps everything away.

 

Looking down, she’s mesmerized by how large he is in her small hand, so red and proud. He’s like silk over steel, delicate and strong. His breathing is harsh and he’s making the most enticing sounds. Moisture gathers at the tip and on instinct, she swipes her hand to gather the glistening wetness, easing her hand along him.

 

“Sweetheart, if you keep doing that I’m going to come,” he warns.

 

Holding his eyes intensely, she growls, “Good.”

 

His eyes widen and she strokes harder. “Ung, oh gods, oh gods,” he chants.

 

The tension in his core echoes in her own, but she doesn’t let herself fall into their bond, wanting this to just be about him. He’s been so generous, so focused on her that she wants to this to be all his.

 

His eyes are helpless as he pants and moans. She likes this, feeling like she has complete power, knowing _she’s_ making him feel this.

 

“Let go, come for me, Ben,” she declares as she tightens her hand.

 

His fingers dig into her shoulders and he keens, “Rey, dear Maker … I’m-I’m-I’m, Force!”

 

Then she finally gets to _see_ as thick, white ropes erupt from him, hot as it lands on her chest and belly. At first, she’d found this aspect of his release confusing, but now she feels marked, claimed, and she has the desire to feel the pulsing heat of him deep inside her.

 

She’s never known feelings like this, this need, this heat that so quickly takes over her reason. Her core aches with emptiness, a new kind of starvation. His eyes are unfocused and he’s a little wobbly on his feet.

 

“I need-I need to sit down,” he admits, then his eyes focus on his release traveling down her body and his eyes widen. “Oh. I’m sorry.” His expression grows pinched and he straightens, going towards his ‘fresher instead of his bed.

 

“What-”

 

“I’ll get something to clean you up,” he says shortly.

 

She looks down on herself and wonders why he seems so upset. As he’s in the ‘fresher, curiosity gets the better of her and she draws her finger through the viscous liquid, bringing it to her mouth to taste.

 

He’s just come back into the room as she licks at the strange substance. A strangled groan brings her attention to his face. With a slack jaw, he blinks repeatedly.

 

It tastes bitter, and she’s not sure she likes it, but she doesn’t want to offend him so she keeps from making a face. “What?” she asks, confused by his stupor.

 

Shaking his head, he stutters out, “N-nothing.” Then he suddenly moves forward and begins to clean her with a warm cloth. His cheeks are bright red so it’s clearly something. She hates not understanding.

 

“It’s obviously not nothing. Did I do something wrong?”

 

His eyes bulge from their sockets and he grimaces. “No … no, not at all. I just … seeing you taste … _that_ … it …” He growls in frustration and throws the soiled cloth in the corner. Once his hands are free, he holds his forehead.

 

“ _What_?” she exclaims, getting exasperated.

 

Sighing heavily, he asks, “Do you remember me telling you about how, sometimes, lovers will … pleasure each other … with their mouths?”

 

“Oh. Oh!” At first it had sounded extremely unsanitary, but the way his tongue had felt on her breasts … maybe it might not be such a bad idea. She’s not sure what she thinks of having a whole mouthful of that taste, though.

 

Now his blush has spread from his cheeks to the tips of his ears and it hits her. “You’d like that. For me to put my mouth on you.”

 

Now he groans and hides his face in his hands. “Let’s just drop it.”

 

“Why? If it’s something you want-”

 

“Please?” he begs, his voice tight.

 

“Is it that you don’t want to taste me?” she asks, not sure why it hurts a bit.

 

But the heat in his eyes as they briefly catch hers confuses her.

 

“Ben?”

 

He works his jaw and shakes his head.

 

“Oh, that’s okay,” she says, feeling a bit disappointed. It might feel _really_ good.

 

“No, Rey … it’s not that.” His eyes find hers again and that heat is back. “It’s that I _do_. Desperately. But it’s all moving so fast … could we … could we explore what we’ve done for a while, not rush into more?”

 

The tightness in her chest unfurls as she realizes it’s not that he doesn’t want to, he’s just … shy. She’s not really sure why they wouldn’t try everything, but he gets so strange about sex. And she doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

 

Nodding, she closes the distance between them and winds her arms around his neck. “I can’t wait to feel your fingers inside me again,” she breathes out huskily.

 

He buries his head at her shoulder and groans, “You’re going to be the death of me.”

 

\---

 

Dameron. Today he has to work with _Dameron_. He’d managed to put it from his mind until Rey left to get ready for the day. They’re both going to be late because he’d insisted on feeding her. She’d tried to wave him off, telling him she’d just have a ration bar, but then he’d brought out the fresh lylanberries and he’d known he had her from the way she licked her lips.

 

 _That_ had nearly made him come undone after watching her taste his spend. If he hadn’t just climaxed, he’s fairly certain he would have thrown her down on the bed. Her hands on him had made him feel almost cherished, like he could leap and trust her to catch him. The smoldering hunger in her eyes had made him feel wanted in a way he never would have been able to imagine. Something about being with Rey in this intensely vulnerable way makes him feel secure, safe, _at peace_.

 

He’d meant it though, he doesn’t want to rush headlong into their physical relationship, even though they already have. But if they can just keep it to touching and holding, he thinks that will give them time to build more of a foundation.

 

Because he hasn’t told her _anything_ and it’s only a matter of time before one of her little friends gleefully shares his body count. The thought makes him feel ill, and not just because of what Rey will think of him. The more time he spends with her and the shared light of his twin stars, the more he remembers how he used to be.

 

When he was a Jedi he’d wanted so badly to be _good_. To help the galaxy the way the old order had. Though he’d never felt close to Skywalker, he had done his best to emulate him. And he thinks he did, for a time, even with that festering cancer in his head.

 

Will she be able to forgive him? Or at least understand enough to move past it? If he can just explain … But _how_ , when he can’t quite explain it to himself?

 

Shaking his head, he pushes it all away. The price to stay with Rey and his little star is working with that idiot and the last thing he wants to do is give that arrogant ass a reason to tattle to his _mother_. If he hurries he won’t be _egregiously_ late.

 

\---

 

“Late night?” the pilot asks with a sneer as he checks the time.

 

Oh how Ben wants to snark back that, yes, in fact, he’d been up late learning Rey’s nude body, so sorry for the delay. However, he won’t use Rey like that, as satisfying as it would be. He opts for a stony silence as he keeps his face impassive.

 

Instead of engaging with Dameron, he looks around their assigned space. There’s a terminal for accessing the Resistance’s data and a holo display for star charts. They each have desks with datapads and personal ports for transferring information. It’s spare, but has everything they would need to plan their next move.

 

Dameron is leaning against the holo display and Ben notes that he’s already claimed one of the work stations. He considers taking that one anyway, but that’s childish. It’s a near thing, though. Stiffly, he walks to the other station and sets down his mug of caf as he takes his chair.

 

The silence stretches. And stretches.

 

Neither of them says a word for the entire day, each researching their own ideas. The only interruption was when lunch arrived. At least it had been edible.

 

\---

 

Once Rey finds her rhythm, working on the tracking systems of the _Ackbar_ , her mind is able to drift as she mulls over what she’s going to do about Ben’s temper. She should talk to Leia, she knows she should, but she doesn’t want to make Leia worry about Ben any more than she already does.

 

What if Leia doesn’t know about his outbursts? If she did, would she make him leave? The thought makes her go cold and she decides that she just can’t go to Leia. Her friends are out of the question. Finn is cautious, but he’s not being unsupportive. If she told him, though, she’s certain her best friend would have a fit.

 

And Rose has made her opinions perfectly clear. Poe isn’t worth thinking about.

 

She could bring up lessons with Ben again, but she’s picked up enough to hide things when she needs to. What she needs to know is how to shield her baby from his emotions and she can’t ask him that. But maybe she’d learn something she could use … they’d gotten so caught up in each other that neither of them has mentioned him teaching her. She’ll bring it up tonight.

 

With the bond growing the way that it is, will it even be possible to shield her baby?

 

She wishes she could talk to Luke.

 

\---

 

Her senses prick as she’s packing away her tools. Ben is on his way to her and he’s not happy. But when she pokes her head around her console, his whole energy changes. Where there had been frustration and annoyance, now there’s bright happiness. Their baby even emerges from her slumber, letting out a furl of the Force.

 

_Papa …_

 

Ben’s wide grin tells Rey that he’d felt her, and she feels a warmth envelope both of them. He sweeps her into his arms and kisses her soundly.

 

“Ben!” she exclaims. “I thought you were worried what people would think!”

 

“I missed you,” he says simply.

 

Rey notes many icy glares around the hangar but decides to ignore them, smiling up at him … her … her Ben. “I missed you, too.”

 

“Let’s go feed you. It would appear my mother handled the issue with the kitchens.”

 

“I still don’t know what the problem was, it was perfectly fine.”

 

He looks at her like she has two heads and says, “No. It wasn’t. Not for my girls.”

 

She rubs her belly and smiles. Maybe she’s blown yesterday out of proportion; he’s so good to her.

 

\---

 

A nerve in Ben’s cheek twitches, his senses going a bit haywire from all the attention focused on him in the mess. No one has said anything, but he can feel the anger flowing in the room. There’s a steady current of concern for Rey rippling throughout the room and he’d caught more than one person thinking, “Maybe she doesn’t know.”

 

He doesn’t want to spoil her happy mood, but he’s going to have to. The only chance he has is if she hears his past from his own lips. And that’s a slim chance indeed.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks as they find their seats and sit across from each other.

 

Dammit. She’s so in tune with him now that she seems to pick up on _everything_. Gods, it had been awkward trying to explain to her what it had done to him to watch her suck his release from her fingers.

 

“Nothing, sweetheart.”

 

Her brow raises skeptically.

 

Sighing in resignation, he admits, “Well, there are some things I’d like to talk about when we’re alone, but right now I just want to enjoy your company.”

 

That fear streaks across her face and he wants to kick himself. He knows how insecure she is, how terrified she is of being abandoned. If he gives a hint of upset, she always thinks she’s displeased him in some way. It’s frankly strange, seeing this fierce warrior of a woman shift into a frightened child.

 

He reaches across the table and takes her hands in his. “It’s nothing like that. I … I want to talk to you about … before. About Snoke … and Skywalker.”

 

“Oh …” Her face twists in apprehension but she continues, “I guess that’s not really dinner conversation.”

 

“No, not-”

 

“Rey!” Rose’s bright voice interrupts them.

 

“Rose!” Rey exclaims excitedly, standing and hugging her friend around her tray of food. “Will you sit with us?”

 

Ben doesn’t like that one bit. He hasn’t seen her all day and she might never talk to him again after tonight. He’s not good at sharing under the best of circumstances, anyway.

 

Rose eyes Ben for a long moment then obviously sits next to Rey. “I guess I have to learn to sit with … _that_ if I want to see you.”

 

Rey frowns, her eyes filled with hurt. “Rose … please. He’s the father of my child. Don’t … don’t make me choose.”

 

“Hey, I’m sitting here, aren’t I? Don’t … don’t push, okay?”

 

Rey nods and Ben can feel her sadness roiling through the Force.

 

They all begin eating their meals, the silence almost as unpleasant as his day with Dameron, but then Rose launches into the most inane litany of gossip and Ben just tunes it out. He focuses on eating and making sure Rey gets enough vegetables. She’d argued with him about her selections and had glowered resentfully as he’d piled more greens on her plate.

 

Maybe he should just leave the table, give the two women time, but then he feels Rey’s foot as she crosses her ankle with his, rubbing slightly. Through the Force he feels a pressure, a light nudge and he opens himself to her.

 

 _I love you_ blooms clearly in his head and he makes a small smile.

 

This is enough. Rey is touching him and she loves him. He can endure Rose’s glares and pointed dismissal.

 

His love has chosen him in front of the whole Resistance. She’ll listen. She’ll understand. She’ll sleep in his arms tonight and it’s all going to be alright.

 

He hopes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you marvelous ArtemisBare. I was far too eager to post so I went on without her. I'm sure I'll be editing tomorrow ...
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! He's now traveling every week for work, but he's been quietly ordering me gifts so that I get surprises while he's gone. It makes me feel so loved. 
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm so sorry that it's been such a long time. I experienced writer's block for the first time and I really hope it's passed. I didn't like that at all! I'm so grateful for all of you. I feel strongly that a story only lives with readers, so you are half of this mad equation. Thank you, so very much.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy confesses his past and Melancholy Mama tries to cope.

Walking to their rooms, his hopeful feelings begin to bleed away. The last thing he wants to do is tell her about his past, but he knows time is ebbing away. The way Rose had glared at him over dinner tells him all he needs to know about how the rebels feel about him.

 

Rationally, he knows Rey has no interest in the pilot, but he can’t be sure what would happen if he cornered her and painted a bloody picture of everything he’s done. Guilt had always nipped at his heels, but now it’s growing into a howling beast, its gnashing teeth threatening to tear apart this delicate, beautiful thing he and Rey are creating together.

 

Each step they take towards their rooms feels like his feet are dragging through mud. He has to force himself to keep moving, pushing away the insane thought to take her to his ship and fly away from everyone. Could he just keep them flying, ahead of his history, forever?

 

Would she? If he offered her a life away from the conflict, would she come with him? He glances over and finds her face placid and he feels the way her fingers twine with his and he knows he can’t just run. Rey is _happy_ in this place. There’s too much holding her here. And, if he’s honest, he’s not ready to leave his mother again.

 

Besides, she needs to be near a doctor. Much as he wishes he could be everything to her, he won’t make her face labor with just him in wild space.

 

He steers them towards his quarters. If she needs to be on her own after he shares the litany of horrors that weave in his shadow, she will be able to retreat. It might kill him, but he’ll give her this.

 

“You’re so quiet,” she offers as his door closes behind them. He watches her eyes move to his destroyed wall and he thinks this might be the first of his last moments with her. How can she want him once she really has to face just how many people he’s killed? The empty eyes of the minds he’s stripped?

 

“It’s almost pretty,” she whispers as she walks to the strange, glass patterns. Her fingers stroke along the swirls and trace how the light reflects into his room. “It’s like I can feel your rage in the ridges …”

 

Then she turns and looks at him. “I want to understand where it comes from. I feel it, how much roils just under the surface, but what is it? Why are you so angry, Ben?”

 

His eyes clench shut and he stands completely still for a moment before he takes in a steadying breath. Quietly, he goes to his bed and sits down, watching her, waiting for her to join him. They hold each other’s eyes for a long moment and she looks almost afraid.

 

“Is it very bad?” she asks, her voice trembling.

 

Ben only shrugs. He’s not sure if it’s the killing or the destroyed minds that will send her running from him. He can only hope that Rey will be strong enough.

 

Finally, he says, “I need you to hear it from me. If someone tells you my history … I just need to answer your questions. If … after you know, I’ll understand if you don’t want to be with me any longer.”

 

This draws her swiftly to his side, sitting close and taking his hands as she shakes her head. “I know enough. I won’t leave you.”

 

He smiles at her sadly. “I hope that’s true … but I will understand. All I ask … even if I don’t deserve it …”

 

“Yes?” she nudges.

 

He shudders out, “All I ask is that you allow me to be in her life, even if you can’t let me be in yours.”

 

Rey turns towards him and holds his face in her hands. It’s all he can do to keep from nuzzling against her palms and begging her to keep him, to understand how much he wishes he’d been stronger.

 

“Ben … you are her father. I could never deny her her _father_. Do you know what I would give to have a family who wanted me? Do you have any idea?”

 

He nods slightly. He felt her desolation, her loss, her endless loneliness. He knows, down to his marrow, he knows.

 

“Then you know I will never keep you from her.” Then she smiles a watery smile and says, “Now … I’m sure I’m imagining things that are far worse than what you’ve actually done. Unless you left orphans in your wake, I think I can handle it.”

 

His face crumples in anguish, because he has, that and so much worse.

 

His silence makes her withdraw her hands and look at him, real apprehension lining her expression. “Tell me. I wish I could say it doesn’t matter … but …”

 

“It does. I know.” He realizes he’s trembling and his fists tighten over his knees. “It was … it started when I was a child, before I can remember anything else.”

 

“What, what started?” Her eyes are still open and trusting.

 

“Snoke,” he offers bleakly. His only hope is she’ll understand just how much his former _master_ had twisted everything.

 

Her eyes widen in horror. “You knew him from a boy?”

 

“Not exactly …”

 

And so he tells her. Tells her how Snoke was always whispering, always showing him how everyone actually hated him. How no one wanted to be his friend. Every time another child made an overture, Snoke was there, reminding him that they were only interested in playing with him because his mother was _important_.

 

That his own parents were afraid of him. It had been easy to believe Snoke’s hypnotic voice. “Han Solo only wants to get away from you. He fears your power. You’re better than him, so much stronger than he could ever be. Weak and foolish. Look how he can only stay a few days?”

 

He tells her how it all made a perfect kind of sense to his young mind, how he’d finally accepted his parents didn’t want him when they’d sent him to Skywalker.

 

“See? Only I can help you unlock your true potential. Only I understand who you’re meant to be. Look at how Leia Organa won’t even meet your eyes.”

 

By the time they’d abandoned him, his heart had begun to harden against even his mother. He’d thought it had turned to stone.

 

Taking her hand, he tries to make her see how, until her, he’d put all of himself into walling up anything soft, anything _good_. “Rey, you released me from a cage I’d been building since I was a child.”

 

“He was always in your head? Gods, Ben …”

 

“I was never alone, never. Not until I met you. You … you blocked him out. My mind was my own … and now …. Now you’re in here, instead.” He taps his temple with his fingers.

 

“No … no!” she exclaims, her head shaking frantically. “I don’t want that!”

 

“Shhh, no … you don’t understand. It helps, having you here. It’s not the same. It’s not constant. You don’t … you don’t whisper. It’s like you flow through me, comfort me … my sharp edges don’t cut me any longer. I promise you, Rey … feeling you like this … it’s bliss.”

 

She looks down for a moment. “I know … I feel the same way. The loneliness, it … it doesn’t bite and sting like it used to.”

 

“I love you, I love you so much,” he declares passionately.

 

“I know, I know you do …” She looks away and he tries not to read anything into the fact she didn’t say it back.

 

She takes in a long breath. “Alright … Snoke was always in your mind, pushing you, tormenting you … But why did you go to him after what Luke did. Why did you _believe_ him?”

 

Ben can’t help the sneer that crosses his lips. “Where else was I supposed to go? My parents threw me away and my uncle tried to kill me!” It had been so easy to believe he was becoming who he was meant to be.

 

“But … Snoke was evil!”

 

“He was the only one who ever cared about me!” Suddenly, Ben is mired in the past, lost in that terrifying place of utter betrayal. His uncle’s eyes full of disgust and hatred, the sick green glow of his saber coming down on his head.

 

Rey pulls away from him, putting distance between them. “How can you say that about that monster!”

 

He scrubs his face with his hands. He knows, on some level, that Rey is right. That Snoke truly had been a monster. But how can he explain how Snoke always knew just what to say to make him feel important? He’s too wrapped up in memory, of how completely alone he’d felt. How he’d finally accepted that the dark was his place.

 

Finally, he admits, “Yes … he was a monster. And so was I.”

 

“No … no, that’s not true-”

 

“It is Rey! I’d been fighting the dark for so long and that night, I gave into it. I let the dark reign and oh my gods it felt _magnificent_. I felt right for the first time in my life! Everything made sense. The feeling of my saber slicing those sycophants in two felt _good_.”

 

She shrinks away from him with huge eyes. “What?”

 

He remembers how amazing it felt to stop fighting, to open the gates of hell wide open and let the dark side dance and feast on his soul.

 

Snarling, he spits, “I hated the other pupils, _hated_ them. By the time I’d killed four of them the least powerful begged me to let them follow me.” Oh, how they’d cowered, mewling little children, on their knees at his feet. It had felt glorious, to have that _power_. Nothing could touch him, nothing could hurt him when cloaked in the dark. “They promised their loyalty if I’d only spare them. I made them kill the last two to prove it.”

 

“No … Ben … no.”

 

“Yes! I was so tired of never being good enough, the way Skywalker would always scowl when I’d succeed, watching, _judging_ me. I despised that old man and I made sure to kill his favorite first!” Ben bellows, jumping to his feet. He knows he needs to calm down, but Rey _must_ understand just who she’s inviting into her bed.

 

He’d never felt _anything_ like the raw, endless power when his fellow students did his bidding. The terror, the _obedience_ in their eyes giving him what he’d always craved. There was no fear, no self-doubt when he finally, finally gave into his dark urges.

 

“We went to Snoke and it was like I was a triumphant boy king, returning from the war. He showered me in praise, told me I was the next Vader. It was like that for years. I was his favorite! I was the best. And I put everything I had into proving my worth, make no mistake.” Now he’s pacing, gesturing wildly.

 

“You see, Rey … killing was so easy. I knew it was for the glory of the First Order! I knew Snoke was _wise_. He was cleansing the galaxy to make something new, something better!”

 

Rey starts to cry and he knows he has to stop, but somehow all he can do is keep ranting.

 

“So yes, I left orphans. Dozens of them. If anyone got in my way, they met my blade and I never thought of them again.” He grins cruelly as he remembers the high of battle, how he knew no one could touch him, no one could best him in combat. They all fell so easily to his saber, to his outstretched hand. He had been unstoppable.

 

He can feel a mad fire in his eyes and Rey is sobbing.

 

“Please, please stop,” she begs.

 

“Stop? You don’t want to know it all? You don’t want to know how Snoke trained me to be so very good at using the Force on minds?” Part of him, the best part of him, feels like it’s tied to a chair screaming at him to comfort Rey, to do this gently. But the beast is out and all he can do is watch helplessly as Kylo Ren does his best to destroy whatever Rey feels for him. Ben Solo doesn’t deserve anything but burnt ash.

 

She covers her ears and shakes her head. “No! I don’t want to know anymore!”

 

Drawing close, he grabs her wrists and pulls her hands from her ears. “But you have to. You have to _know_. The Resistance knows, they must.” His voice drops to a low, silken tone. “I learned on _children_ , Rey. Hundreds, and hundreds of _children_.”

 

“What?” she gasps out, pulling herself against the wall, making herself so small.

 

“You see, some of the children in the stormtrooper program were difficult. They remembered their families. We needed them, needed their little bodies to grow into soldiers. It takes considerable resources to kidnap that many children,” he recounts airily.

 

“Kidnap? I thought they were abandoned … orphans like me-”

 

“Rey, no, no, my sweet, naive love. There weren’t enough orphans in the outer reaches, not by a long shot. We stole them. Now we just take the children left behind after we take over a world, but at the beginning … they all came from happy little families. Large families were the best, six or more children in one go-”

 

“What did you do?” She leaps to her feet and begins to pound at him with her fists. “What did you do to them?!”

 

Her face is red and streaked with tears. He tilts his head and looks down on her limp hands slowing their blows. “I took their memories. It’s what gave us trouble. The ones who remembered their parents and siblings. It was quite easy, just erase everything and ta da, blank slate.” He snaps his fingers.

 

Her face goes slack and her hands fall to her sides. She’s breathing heavily and she just looks up at him. She’s never looked at him like this before. Yes, he’s seen revulsion, but that was before she knew him. Now though …

 

“ _Them_ ,” she states flatly then sniffles lightly.

 

This is when she leaves, he’s sure of it. But first he wants to understand. “What do you mean, them …”

 

“You said it’s what gave _us_ trouble. You aren’t with them any longer. It’s what gave _them_ trouble.”

 

Her stooped shoulders and defeated expression finally break through his haze of history and he realized he’s just told her history in the worst way possible. He _had_ been thinking of himself as of the First Order again. So lost in his memories he’d identified with his former comrades. The are former …. He hopes.

 

“I … yes, you’re right … them.” His voice shakes with hesitation.

 

Her arms wrap around her middle and her eyes sharpen. “Are you sure you don’t still think of yourself as one of them?”

 

He hasn’t really thought of what he believes. He’s only been focused on Rey and his child. “I think of myself as yours,” he says carefully.

 

“Are we the only reason you’re here?”

 

He thinks of his mother and truthfully says, “No.”

 

“Why else are you here? Do you want to see the First Order go down?”

 

“My mother. I … I missed my mother.”

 

“But do you agree with the Resistance? I know you’ve shared all of your intelligence, but do you want to fight against them?” Frustration heightens her tone.

 

“I ... “ He knows he should say that he does, but … he doesn’t really care. First Order, Resistance. He just wants Rey and his child to be safe. “All that matters to me is you and our daughter. I’ll follow you. Can that be enough?”

 

Her red eyes looks stricken and she shakes her head. “I don’t know, Ben … I don’t know.”

 

Slowly she walks to his bed and gracelessly falls into a sitting position. Then she looks up at him with her haunted eyes. “How many people have you killed?” she asks in a monotone.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Did you enjoy it?”

 

“No. Yes … the dark side … it’s very … seductive.”

 

She nods once. “Do you regret it?”

 

He should tell her of how the guilt would come for him late at night, that he hasn’t slept properly until he had her in his arms. But he can’t find the words. He just hangs his head and whispers, “Yes.”

 

Pretending they had no faces, had no names was all he could do to keep going. But at night, at night he remembered every single set of eyes as the light left them.

 

Suddenly, she blanches. “Oh, gods …”

 

“What, what is it?”

 

“Finn! Did you take his memories from him?” There’s a snarling protectiveness in her bearingi and he thinks if he had, this would be it. This would be the sin she couldn’t accept.

 

“No … no. He was from the first wave. I had nothing to do with that. I wasn’t part of the First Order until much later.”

 

“And his memories? Were they wiped away?”

 

“I don’t know, Rey. I don’t know.”

 

Her whole body is taught and she again is hugging herself. He wants so to comfort her, but he knows he doesn’t deserve to touch her.

 

Rey is silent for a long time, looking at a spot on his floor, trembling slightly. Eventually she stands shakily. She doesn’t look at him as she walks to his door and all he can do is watch as she leaves him.

 

But she stops just as the door almost closes and catches his eyes.

 

That’s when he understands what he’s done.

 

He’s broken her heart.

 

\---

 

Rey rushes to her room, desperately needing to be alone after Ben’s confession. He’d been so far from her, so like the man she’d clashed with in the snow on Starkiller Base. She never thought she’d see his cruelty again and she’s scared.

 

She loves him; she’s terrified of him.

 

What is she going to do?

 

\---

 

Sliding down her closed door, she nearly collapses to the floor. For a moment she stays like that, a broken doll splayed out. But then she pulls herself into a tiny ball, wrapping herself around the precious burden in her body.

 

Because this is all about her daughter. Her feelings don’t matter, not really. If it was just herself she might keep moving forward recklessly. If she didn’t have a child to worry about, she could just push away all of the horrors he revealed. The way Ben makes her feel is too enticing, too bewitching to abandon. Just leaving him in his room had almost been too much, each dragging step away from him _hurting_.

 

She’d found the strength in her slumbering daughter. Somehow, she’d managed to create a rudimentary shield around her as tears blinded her. It was all she could think of to do, to visualize her baby in a ball of warm light. But she can feel it slipping, her control in tatters after Ben’s harsh words and grim past.

 

If he’d cried and begged for forgiveness she might have been able to stay with him. But instead he’d wrapped himself in his old shields, holding himself like he had before. He’d been every inch Kylo Ren until he’d seemed to come back to himself.

 

And that’s the fundamental issue. All of his rage, all of his reprehensible choices, all of the destruction in his wake—it’s all just under the surface. All the time. She never knows when she might trip and fall into his abyss, drowning in his sins.

 

She knows she should be able to step back, look at this objectively, but she’s suspended between how his eyes can be full of warmth and love then so cold and murderous. Who _is_ he? Can he ever let go of that boiling, scalding, damning rage?

 

The last thing she wants is to put distance between them, but until she _knows_ she can keep the baby protected, she has to. The parents she can barely remember never put her first and she’ll be damned if she ever lets her own needs interfere with what’s best for her own child.

 

Her needs. She snorts and lets her head fall back, making a thunking noise against the durasteel of her door. What the hell does she need?

 

Ben. She needs Ben. Now that she’s tasted the safety of his shores she needs him like food and water. He’s essential. She thinks she might happily let herself burn in his fire if it weren’t for the life growing inside her.

 

She starts when she feels the vibration of a knock at her door run along her back. Oh … oh no. He’s followed her. Leaving him behind, those intense brown eyes begging her to stay, his heart wide open to her … she doesn’t think she has the strength to send him away.

 

Slowly, she pulls herself to her feet and stares vacantly at the door. The knocking grows louder but she can’t let him in. Then her daughter starts to stir and Rey knows she _really_ can’t break. But now he’s banging loudly and she covers her ears like a child.

 

“Rey, are you in there?”

 

She sobs out in relief. Finn. It’s Finn. Maybe she shouldn’t let him see her like this, but she’s so confused and afraid …

 

Ripping open her door, she throws herself into Finn’s arms and lets the tears take over.

 

\---

 

_Mama! Mama!_

 

“Shhh, shhh,” Rey soothes, wiping her tears away with one hand and cradling her belly with the other. “Mama’s fine, Mama’s fine.”

 

_Mama …_

 

“Yes, it’s alright,” Rey murmurs, sensing how her baby is letting her comfort in.

 

Finn had held her until her daughter reached out in fear and Rey had swiftly pulled herself together, binding away all of her fear and chaos away. She’d known that the baby needed to feel safe and that she had to give her all of her focus.

 

Now Finn is watching her curiously as she croons to the fledgling life glowing within her but he doesn’t say anything. Once Rey is certain she’s calm, she looks up at Finn.

 

He rubs his neck and says, “So … she can sense things I guess?”

 

Rey nods. “She’s extremely in tune with my emotions … and Ben’s.”

 

“Uh, speaking of … him …”

 

“What? What is it?”

 

“I was going to try his door first, but … well I heard him screaming through the durasteel so I … uh figured I should leave him alone.”

 

Finn’s words feel like a knife slashing through her chest. She can’t open herself to sense for him, not when she’s just calmed down their child and it _hurts_ to know he’s in pain. Her whole soul keens for his, to comfort, to hold, to bring him back to her. But she _can’t_.

 

“Did you … did you have a fight?” Finn asks cautiously.

 

Rey shakes her head swiftly. “No … it’s not that.”

 

“Then what happened? Why were you in here weeping while he’s bellowing and breaking things?”

 

“He’s breaking things?”

 

“I think so. I heard a crash.”

 

She wrings her hands and closes her eyes, forcing herself to breathe evenly. She has to protect her daughter, there is no choice to make.

 

“Rey, please talk to me. Please.”

 

His kind eyes and open face break through her defenses with his gentle pleading. Her shoulders slump and she looks at the floor.

 

“I don’t know what to do … I love him, so much, more than I knew anyone could … but …”

 

Finn comes closer and pulls her into his arms. “Tell me.”

 

And so she does.

 

\---

 

Finn is sitting on her floor and she’s perched on the edge of her bed. She feels wrung out, so many words spilling out of her.

 

He chews his lip thoughtfully. “So, basically, you want to be with him—which, for the record, I think is insane—but his temper and history terrifies you.”

 

 “No … not quite. I could handle it if it was just me. But our daughter gets so frantic when either of us are upset. There’s just … there’s so much in him that he can’t control. I have to find a way to keep her safe.”

 

Nodding, Finn gestures for her to continue.

 

“I think he can get there, I do ... if I could just learn how to shield her in the Force I think it would work. Give him the time he needs.”

 

Finn frowns but doesn’t say anything.

 

“What, what is it?”

 

“Do you really think he’s going to get better? I mean … what about everything he’s done, Rey?”

 

She breathes in sharply, remembering about what he did to all those children and for a moment she can’t meet Finn’s eyes. She hasn’t told him about that and she’s not sure she ever will.

 

“I mean, I saw him order a whole village murdered,” Finn says with a pleading tone. “How can you trust he won’t just snap and kill someone?”

 

She’s not sure why, or where it’s coming from, but somehow she _does_ know that he wouldn’t do that. Not now. Something fundamental changed for Ben when he freed himself from Snoke; she’s sure of it.

 

Finn might understand if she explained what Snoke did to him, but that’s not hers to share. “I just do. I trust him. I can’t explain it.”

 

“But you can’t trust him to control himself.”

 

That stings and it makes her flinch because Finn is right.

 

“No … no I can’t. All I can do is find a way to protect her from him.”

 

Finn’s eyes grow infinitely sad. “Did you hear what you just said? That you feel you need to protect your unborn daughter from her father?”

 

Rey blinks rapidly. It’s so stark, so godsdamned painful to finally see it so plainly. But she can’t let him go … she doesn’t know how. So this is all she can do.

 

“Yes … I heard.” She can’t quite bear to see the bleakness of Finn’s expression.

 

“But you’re going to stay with him anyway.” The disappointment in his tone is palpable.

 

“I don’t think I could leave him if I tried,” Rey whispers, still looking away.

 

She hears him sigh heavily and stand up. Then he places his hand on her shoulder.

 

“Okay, Rey. Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'm terribly sorry for the long delay. For those who don't follow me on tumblr, I had a major incident with my health (in the ICU etc.) but am much improved. I hope to get back to updating weekly at least. Thank you all for sticking with me!
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare! It was marvelous to get back in the groove with you. I so love our process and you!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who took amazing care of me while I was ill and was so adorable as he fretted.
> 
> Thank you readers! You were all so very supportive while I was healing and I'm exceptionally grateful for all of you!


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uncle Uh-Oh tries to help and Magnificent Mama finds her strength.

Ben realizes his room is utterly destroyed as he looks around, taking in the toll of his madness. He doesn’t even remember cleaving his bed in two. Gods, all he’d done the last time he’d lost control was attack his wall. But now, as his eyes roam over the chaos, he sees all that he’s managed to do; none of his furniture escaped unscathed.

 

He can’t quite remember how or why he’d been so consumed, so lost. Wait … Rey had been here. Oh gods, had she seen? Then it all comes back to him, the way she’d run from him after he’d told her of his sins in the worst way possible. How could he have talked to her like that? All that sneering anger, twisting around her, choking her love for him. What had he been _thinking_? Obviously, he hadn’t been.

 

Because this … this aftermath tells him he’d failed _completely_ at sharing his story gently. Slowly, the details emerge and he recalls how he’d snarled at her, spat his bile at his _Rey_. It’s almost beyond his ability to comprehend—how cruel he’d been.

 

It was like his past had reached from his twisted, broken history and ripped through time, pulling him down into the darkness. All the kindness Rey coaxes from him had nearly drowned in his abyss.

 

Groaning, he puts his head in his hands. What would he give to be able to go back in time and find some other way to explain? Now he wishes he _had_ let a Resistance member tell her everything; it couldn’t possibly be worse than this.

 

Then he sees a broken bit of crockery and his blood turns to ice as he rushes to the remains of the cabinet where he’d stored away his treats for Rey. Sliding down to his knees he realizes he’d managed to destroy those, too. Sifting through the rubble, he finds the small, soft blanket he’d found for his daughter. It’s singed and torn, just like his soul.

 

Gathering it up, he buries his face in its tattered remains and the tears begin. A great, heaving sob wracks through him; he’d promised to never hurt his twin stars. This is just too close and he muffles his keens into this symbol of his failure.

 

Rocking back and forth he cries so hard he can barely breathe. Choking through the tears, his head sinks to the floor and he weeps until there’s nothing left.

 

\---

 

After Finn leaves, Rey sits on her bed, her eyes unseeing. Her instincts tell her to return to Ben. Finn’s account of him, once again, losing control makes her desperate to comfort him. Each time it’s happened—and it happens so frequently—he’s been left an utter wreck.

 

He’s very honest that he needs her, that she soothes him, but she can’t ignore how unstable he is, not any longer. She must be strong for her child. It’s clear that something has to change.

 

But she won’t give up on him—she’s not even sure she could. How do you keep someone away when part of them is lodged in your soul? Especially if it’s the last thing you want? Yes, she’s horrified by what he’d shared with her, but she manages to hide it away, telling herself it’s the _past_. The future is what matters, now.

 

She’s noticed that after one of his episodes he’s calm. He listens. He’s just Ben, her Ben. Perhaps if she goes to him, finds out if he’s stopped his raging, she could talk to him about this? Explain her fears? At least she could ensure that he’s alright; the twisting apprehension in her belly almost demands it.

 

Decision made, she swiftly stands, making her way to her door. She’s about to enter the corridor when she hears an impossible voice behind her.

 

“Rey.”

 

No. There’s no way. Is the stress breaking her, is she losing her mind?

 

“Turn around Rey,” the voice says, sounding much kinder than she’d ever heard from him.

 

Slowly, she does as the voice is bidding and gasps when she sees the owner across the room.

 

“Master Skywalker?”

 

Is this even possible? He’s translucent with a slight blue glow lining his familiar form. Then she just accepts it. The Force made her pregnant, why not this?

 

He doesn’t look like she remembers, not quite. His hair is darker, his beard trimmer. And his eyes are so much more vibrant. The man she’d met was mired in defeat but _this_ man, he emanates the peace she’d felt through the Force when he’d passed.

 

“Luke, please. Call me Luke.”

 

Rey frowns. After everything she knows about him, she’s not sure she wants to be so familiar with him. She just stays silent.

 

The legendary Jedi sighs deeply. “I know we didn’t part under the best of circumstances.”

 

Rey only snorts.

 

“I … I was wrong. On Ahch-To. You were right to go to him.”

 

She looks at him sharply. He was the one who’d been right … It hadn’t gone the way she’d thought. But something about his contrite bearing makes her continue to keep her thoughts to herself. He’s here with a purpose and she doesn’t feel like making it easier for him. She has enough on her plate.

 

Skywalker’s lips purse and he sits heavily on her bed. It’s strange to watch a phantom interact with their surroundings.

 

“I never thought Ben would come back. I may have tried to comfort Leia … but I thought he was completely lost.”

 

That, _that_ makes Rey _angry_. “Oh, so _Darth Vader_ was worth your faith, not the man you helped raise?!” Her tone is harsh, accusatory.

 

He grimaces and looks at his hands. “I deserved that.”

 

Rey shakes her head in contempt. “He’s so much more than you think. He’s full of love and gentleness and he’s trying so hard.”

 

Sadness clouds Skywalker’s eyes. “And yet you fear him.”

 

“I don’t!” she spits stubbornly.

 

He smiles sadly and waves vaguely at himself. “Force Ghost. Omniscient. I know what you and Finn discussed.”

 

“That was private!”

 

“And yet, it is true.”

 

“I’m not! I’m not afraid of him. He would never hurt me, not on purpose. He wouldn’t hurt either of us,” she exclaims as she holds her belly protectively.

 

“Not on purpose, no.”

 

The truth of his words feel like a knife through her chest and she has to look away.

 

“I’m not here to tell you what to do or judge you.”

 

“Then _why_ are you here?”

 

“I want to help you. You and your daughter.”

 

“But not Ben?” she sneers.

 

“It’s one and the same, Rey. I think you know that,” he replies calmly.

 

She’s not sure why, but her eyes suddenly fill with tears and she wipes at them angrily. Skywalker doesn’t deserve her vulnerability. “Fine. How are you going to help us?”

 

“First … I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?” she bites out.

 

“I was weak. I should have agreed to train you. It wasn’t fair to leave you alone with your gifts.”

 

“I have Ben.”

 

“Yes, you do. But I think you’ll need something he can’t help you with.” His placid tone is beginning to infuriate her. This is real, this is her _family_ being threatened.

 

“What do you mean?” she asks, trying to keep her rising temper in check.

 

He sits back, placing his hands on his knees. Smiling gently he says, “You are not the first Force sensitive to have a child with another Force sensitive. It provides unique challenges and joys.”

 

“Like that we can communicate with her, after a fashion.” Perhaps Skywalker _can_ help.

 

“Exactly. Ben knows how to shield himself from other Force sensitives, but the bond between you complicates things.”

 

Rey huffs, “You think?”

 

Making a wry laugh, Skywalker continues, “She must be protected. From _both_ of you.”

 

“I know,” Rey whispers. Ben isn’t the only one to feel things intensely. “What do I need to do?”

 

“If only I could train you now …” he says wistfully.

 

“Why can’t you?” Her voice is far more plaintive than she’d intended. Now that he’s here, she can’t deny what it would mean to her to finally have a true master.

 

“If I could, the Jedi never would have nearly died out. The Force is bursting with us old relics. All I can do is advise.”

 

“But _why_?” she almost whines.

 

“That’s not something I can explain. You’ll understand when, many, many years from now, you join us.”

 

Rey glares at him, but not with any real heat. “Alright then, fine. _Advise_ me.”

 

Standing abruptly, he walks to her cabinet where she keeps her treasures. “The texts. Have you read them?”

 

She looks down at her feet bashfully. “I tried, but … it all just seemed like either common sense or rambling history … there was nothing … practical.” She really had tried, but she’d finally abandoned them when she’d been unable to find anything even vaguely like instructions.

 

“Oh, it’s in there. It’s just between a great deal of … padding.”

 

“Well … I haven’t read _all_ of them.”

 

“Then I suggest you start with the slimmest volume. You might find it quite enlightening.”

 

Rey nods, feeling disappointment. She doesn’t have time to read through a dry tome which may or may not offer answers.

 

“Can’t you tell me anything that will help me _now?_ ” she pleads.

 

“There’s nothing you don’t already know, Rey,” he says with soft, proud eyes.

 

Looking up at the ceiling, she flails her arms in frustration. She’s had about enough of this cryptic nonsense! But when she looks back to Skywalker, he’s already gone.

 

\---

 

On his side, his knees curled to his chest, he’s certain he’s hearing things when the sound of his door sliding open breaks through his drained haze.

 

“Oh, Ben,” Rey’s lilting, healing voice soothes along him.

 

Blinking slowly, he looks to his door. He’s not ready to trust his sight because Rey is standing in the wreck of his room, her form outlined by the bright light of the corridor. Then the door slides shut and her face comes into focus. The light is dim; he’d destroyed his lamps, too. Only a single light in the ceiling had escaped his wrath.

 

But there’s enough light for him to see her face. Her expression is tender, but her eyes are full of anguish.

 

Then he’s ready to believe he really is imagining her because she kneels down next to him. It’s only the feel of her hand on his cheek that makes him accept she’s truly here. He can’t even begin to fathom why. He remembers how she’d begged him to stop; how he’d ignored her pleas.

 

His eyes slide shut as she strokes along his face and he doesn’t even try to stop the broken whimper from falling from his lips. But then she’s pulling at his shoulder and his eyes fly open.

 

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

 

He huffs out a mirthless laugh as he looks over his shoulder at the pile of detritus that was once his bed. The bed he’d shared with her. Perhaps it’s right that it’s gone. She’s not likely to want him close like that again.

 

She keeps pulling at him though and says, “I meant _my_ bed.”

 

Freezing completely, he raises his head and looks up at her. He finds no trace of dishonesty and he can’t really believe that she means it. He’s an out-of-control monster, how could she ever want to be so vulnerable with him ever again?

 

No. He can’t continue to inflict himself on her. It’s not right. He has to protect them at all costs. If that means protecting them from himself, then so be it. Yes, it will mean his heart will be an open wound, but it’s nothing more than he deserves.

 

Sitting up, he shakes his head and she frowns, that damned insecurity threading through her eyes.

 

“Ben,” she entreats softly.

 

“Just go, Rey.”

 

“No,” she responds firmly, her expression fierce. “You need rest and there’s no way I’m letting you sleep on this craggy floor,” she pushes, gesturing at the mined surface.

 

“Why, _why_ would you allow me near you? Near _her_?”

 

“Because I love you.”

 

That makes him sit up straighter and really look at her. “Still?” He’d thought he’d managed to destroy that, too.

 

She cocks her head and says, “Did you really think I’d give up so easily?”

 

Shrugging, he answers, “Everyone else has.”

 

“Well good for you I raised myself and don’t really know anything about all this. What I do know is that you would never give up on me, on our family. Why would I?”

 

Oh, gods, he hadn’t even considered what he might have done to his daughter. Had she called to him? Had he been so far gone he hadn’t even heard her? “Is she … is she alright?”

 

“She’s sleeping. But we do have to fix this. Feeling you when you lose control like this … it’s not good for her.”

 

“I know,” he chokes out through the shame. “You both deserve so much better than me.”

 

“Stop that,” she snaps. “No one, _no one_ could love us like you do. Besides, what’s between us … it just is. We … fit.”

 

Sighing deeply he tries to believe her words. But a lifetime of never, ever being good enough is hard to suppress.

 

Abruptly, she stands and holds his eyes. There’s a determination in her gaze that makes him wonder if perhaps this singular woman might just be strong enough to walk with him in his storm.

 

Her hand reaches out to him and the last of his resistance crumbles when she murmurs, “ _Please_.”

 

\---

 

They’re in her bed, facing each other, but he still hasn’t tried to hold her. She won’t push him; somehow she just knows he has to make the first tentative move. His talk of not being good enough for them had shaken her more than she’d allowed herself to show.

 

At first she’d felt the very familiar wave of fear; fear he didn’t really want her, fear he’d leave. But she’s done listening to that voice in her heart. This is _Ben_. He’s just trying to protect her. It’s stupid and short-sighted, not to mention cowardly, but he’s _trying_. As long as he’s trying, she will, too.

 

His eyes close and his brow furrows. “I’m sorry,” he utters lowly.

 

“I know. I know you are.” He always is. But she won’t bring that up right now. This broken, beautiful man just needs to recover. They’ll find a way to heal, to heal together.

 

When he opens his eyes, the depth of pain she finds makes her gasp. She’s not so naive as to think her fears have left her forever, but right now all she can see is her Ben, wide open and needing her faith.

 

Briefly, she remembers how angry she was at Skywalker for thinking so little of his own flesh and blood and she wonders if perhaps she’s the first person to really see him. Who he _lets_ see him.

 

“What do you need?” she asks softly.

 

He blinks in surprise. “What do _I_ need? Stars, Rey … that I’m here in your bed is a miracle. I thought I’d ruined everything; I thought I’d finally pushed you too far.”

 

“What do you _need_ ,” she repeats.

 

“You, only you.” His voice cracks and her heart aches to see his eyes fill with tears.

 

“You have me. You’ll always have me,” she vows.

 

His face crumbles and he suddenly closes to distance between them, crushing her to him. His strong arms hold her firmly, but there’s a cautious gentleness to his hold. He buries his face at the crook of her neck and she feels as his tears slide down her skin.

 

“Oh, Ben. My Ben.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peers around sheepishly* So ... I'm really sorry my posting has been sporadic. Obviously the holidays got in the way, and then I decided to make a little gift fic for a friend, but I know how frustrating it is to have a fic get as spotty in its update schedule. This is not how I thought this month was gonna go. Because I clearly haven't been able to get back to any sort of regular schedule I won't promise anything because it's just not fair to say I'll be updating again then not. So all I'll say is that my writing mojo is slowly returning. 
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare! That you continue to be here for me is simply marvelous. Thank you, my friend.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! He's been exceptionally patient with me as I struggle along. He found a marvelous set of action figures online, really great Kylo Ben. However, unknown to him when ordering, they're giant. They're like two feet tall. He bashfully gave them to me, offering to return them. I made the obligatory joke about Kylo being huge, wink wink, nudge nudge, and gleefully set them up with the rest of my ever growing reylo collection. 
> 
> Thank you Readers ... I honestly can't properly articulate my gratitude that you're still here. All I can promise is that I won't abandon this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy realizes he needs as much help as he can get while Magnificent Mama and Zealous Zapper have a good conversation.

There’s a bleakness suffusing him when he wakes. Rey is draped over him, her head resting in the hollow of his shoulder. They clearly slept the whole night wrapped around each other.

 

This _should_ make him smile. But all he can think about is how badly he’s failed. As a partner, as a father, as a _man._ Did his father ever feel like this? As if no matter what he did, it all just slid through his fingers like sand?

 

Because though Rey came for him, fiercely claimed him, he’s still aware that he has no idea how to keep himself in check. If he could think his way through, he would have found a way to control his rages long ago.

 

They’re only growing worse and he doesn’t even truly know _why_. Perhaps it’s because he now has so much to lose? He snorts derisively. Of course he would fail so badly just when it mattered most. It’s what he does.

 

Rey stirs in his arms and it makes his heart _hurt_. It’s a strange combination of deep love and bitter regret. He’d meant it when he’d said she deserves far better than him. He knows he’ll never hurt her physically, but he seems to hurt her in other ways nearly constantly. Do his promises mean nothing?

 

And what of the new life she carries? Has he already irreparably harmed his little star? What does it do to her to be bathed in his fury so frequently? He tries to keep himself shielded from her as best he can, but when he’s lost to his storm … he can’t.

 

He remembers how terrifying it was when his parents fought. And all they did was scream at each other. Then they’d invariably come back together as if nothing had ever happened. Now that he’s older, he thinks perhaps they even _liked_ it. But, for him, he was always left unmoored and afraid, like he couldn’t trust gravity to hold.

 

It’s far too easy to imagine his little girl with bright hazel eyes cowering in the corner as he howls and destroys. He knows it would be so much worse for her than anything he’d experienced as a child. It has to stop. _He_ has to stop.

 

But how?

 

Then Rey starts to wriggle in his arms and she blinks her eyes open slowly. Even though he’s mired in his melancholy, he can’t help but smile at her gently; she’s just so perfect.

 

“Hey,” she says sleepily.

 

“Hello,” he responds somewhat guardedly. He’s not quite sure what to expect now that it’s morning. There’s too much to talk about and he doesn’t begin to have the words.

 

Rey sighs and settles in more completely into his embrace. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I need you to know that I’m here. We’re going to solve this together.”

 

“I’m just … I’m just so sor-”

 

“You already apologized. I know you don’t … I know you don’t do it on purpose,” she says with a slight frown. She glances away for a moment.

 

“I also don’t know how to make it _stop_ ,” he admits helplessly.

 

She’s silent for a moment, stroking her fingers along his chest. Then she peers up at him. “What … what happens when … when …”

 

“When I lose my mind?” he asks bitterly.

 

“I wouldn’t put it like that.”

 

“Well, it’s the truth.” He lets out a long breath. “I honestly don’t really know. I just … I can’t seem to think clearly any longer. I lose all perspective and convince myself of the worst possible things.”

 

“Like what?”

 

He closes his eyes briefly, remembering how easily he becomes convinced he’s going to lose her. “Last night it was that I’d ruined everything—that you were going to leave me, that you could never forgive me for all I’ve done.”

 

Shifting up on one elbow, she holds his eyes and says, “It’s not mine to forgive. And I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“But what about _her_. I know I’m hurting her. I know I’m hurting both of you,” he shudders out.

 

Bright, searing pain streaks across her face and her lips tremble. “Yes. You are.”

 

“I promised I’d never do that,” he whispers. “I can’t even promise to never do it again, no matter how much I wish that I could.”

 

“I know,” she says softly. Then her expression becomes contemplative. “When did it start?”

 

“Gods, I don’t really remember a time when it didn’t happen. I’ve never, ever been able to handle everything inside of me.”

 

“Has it ever gotten better?”

 

He has no desire to think of his time with Skywalker, but Rey deserves nothing but honesty from him. “For a time. When I was first sent to Skywalker.”

 

Her eyes flit away and there’s a hint of _something_ in their depths, but then she asks, “What changed?”

 

“I was so focused on learning the ways of the Force, I suppose. As much as I hated that my mother sent me away, it was also a relief. No more of the senate. No more hypocrisy. And … for a time I felt at peace.”

 

“What changed?” she asks again.

 

Clenching his jaw he sneers, “My _uncle_.”

 

Rey nods for him to continue.

 

“At first, I thought that maybe, just maybe I’d found someone who really understood me. I thought we were growing close. But then … one of the other students accused him of playing favorites and that was that.”

 

He’ll never forget the first time Skywalker reprimanded him for calling him ‘Uncle’.

 

Then Rey cups his face with her hand. “I want to.”

 

Perplexed, he asks, “You want to what?”

 

“Understand you.”

 

Her eyes are so open, her heart swimming so close to the surface that he finds just a bit of hope. Maybe he _can_ find a way to slay his rage. For _her._

 

“Rey … I think perhaps you already do.”

 

“I’m trying.”

 

Now he’s the one to hold her face, “I know. Please, _please_ know that somehow I _am_ going to find a way through this.”

 

Her smile is full of faith when she says, “I believe in you, Ben.”

 

He blinks quickly. “I don’t … I don’t think anyone ever has before.”

 

Rey frowns. “Not even Leia?”

 

Looking at the ceiling he says, “Perhaps … but it’s too tangled up with Snoke to really know. I don’t … I don’t know which thoughts were truly mine.”

 

“Gods, Ben-”

 

“No. It’s done. I can’t change it. But ... I do know that she loves me.”

 

“You are so loved.” Her tone is firm and full of devotion.

 

Her words startle him and he’s surprised to realize that he believes her.

 

\---

 

Leia almost drops her morning caf when she feels a gentle tendril of Ben through the Force. It’s just a whisper, but it’s so like what he’d always done as a boy. It was as if he’d just needed to reassure himself she was there.

 

Part of her wants to wash him in her love, in her apologies, but instead she simply does what she always did so many years ago.

 

_I’m here._

 

\---

 

Rey is working through the monthly service on the base’s droids when Rose bounds up to her cheerfully.

 

“Hey, Mama!” Rose chirps.

 

Rey grins at her friend and sets down her wrench.

 

“Are you off for the day?” Rey asks.

 

“Oh, no. I just took a break. I realized I forgot to ask you something last night.” Rose looks away for a moment then asks, “Are you showing yet?”

 

There’s something off about Rose and Rey wonders if that’s the true reason for her visit. Smoothing her hand over her flat belly, Rey bites her lip and says, “No … should I be?”

 

Rose cocks her head. “How far along are you?”

 

“About three and a half months.”

 

“Oh, then probably not. Not for a first pregnancy at least.”

 

The thought makes Rey blink. She hadn’t ever thought about a _second_ pregnancy. Nothing has gone the way she thought her life would. It’s both so much better than she’d ever dreamed of and a living nightmare. She found her family, in a way, but she’s in the middle of a war. Never mind how the father of her child is struggling so completely.

 

Though the idea of having another child … choosing to get pregnant, it makes something inside her feel warm and eager. For the first time, she lets herself imagine what her life with Ben might _be_. On the other side of the war, in a little house somewhere. Ben would do absolutely anything for her; she knows this. It’s easy to picture a growing family, a _joyful_ family. Of course, she can’t help but envision just _how_ she’d get pregnant again …

 

“How about other symptoms, like morning sickness? I feel really stupid for not figuring out you were pregnant when you started getting sick so much.” Rose interrupts her thoughts and shrugs.

 

Rey snorts. “Trust me, it was the furthest from my mind. It’s not like I knew it was even possible. But it’s faded. I haven’t been sick since Ben came.”

 

Her face growing serious, Rose’s jaw works. “Uhm … speaking of _him_ … I …” Then she looks at the floor.

 

“What? What about Ben?”

 

Rose runs her hand through her hair and catches Rey’s eyes. “Is he … is he treating you okay?”

 

Ah. There it is. The timing of the question is more than a little suspicious given her conversation with Finn last night, but she doesn’t think he’d share something so personal. Though ... Rose and Finn _have_ been growing close.

 

Rey’s brows knit with skepticism. “Why do you ask?” she asks carefully.

 

Looking caught, Rose chews on her lower lip. “It was just that, well … Finn was late last night and when I asked him why, he said he was with you. But I saw you leave the mess with Ky- I mean Ben. I tried to get him to tell me what was going on, but he just got really weird.”

 

Shoulders slumping slightly, Rey sighs. “Yes, he’s treating me well. Honestly, he spoils me. I think he wants to buy me half the galaxy,” she says, trying to sound cheerful. It’s not as if he’s treated her badly, not exactly, but things are so difficult right now that she can’t quite hide her apprehension.

 

“But …” Rose nudges in a leading tone.

 

“No ‘but’. He … he would do anything for me. He’s not … he’s not who you think he is.”

 

Rose looks at her doubtfully. “If you say so.”

 

She’s so tired of defending him. And now that she knows so much more about what he’s done, it makes it that much harder. But this is _Ben_ and Rose needs to understand that this is _permanent_.

 

“Look, Rose, I know what you think of him, but you’re wrong. He’s here, he’s not going anywhere, and I need you to be okay with that.”

 

Rose looks at her thoughtfully. “As long as you’re happy, I can deal with it.”

 

Happy? She’d never really thought about it like that. He makes her feel so many things: loved, safe, _treasured_. But he also needs so much from her, more than she sometimes knows how to give. He’s complicated, passionate, and so very broken. Yet, he’s hers and now that she knows what it feels like to fit so perfectly with another person, she can’t imagine her life without him.

 

“I _am_ happy, Rose.” As soon as the words leave her lips, Rey is a bit surprised to find that it’s true. She might be in over her head, but when Ben holds her close, she _is_ happy.

 

She nods once and cracks a smile. “I’ll still zap him if he hurts you.”

 

The relief that no one truly knows the extent of his destruction washes over Rey. Besides, it won’t matter. Somehow, she and Ben are going to fix it. They have to.

 

“So, uhm, when do you think I _will_ start to show?” Rey asks, finding she’s eager for her little one to make herself known.

 

“Oh! Probably sometime in the next few weeks.”

 

Rey makes a small smile as her hand settles over her womb. She may be nervous about how her body is changing, but the thought of the look in Ben’s eyes when she’s able to share that with him makes her excited, too.

 

“Anything else I should know?” Rey asks.

 

Rose grins wickedly. “Anyone talked to you about the second trimester yet?”

 

\---

 

Though he was supposed to spend the day researching possible attack plans with _Dameron_ , Ben hadn’t really focused on anything but last night. He and Rey had spent what little time they had left this morning kissing and touching, but as soon as he wasn’t in her presence, the guilt had come at him like a blaster bolt.

 

Luckily, the _pilot_ had seemed perfectly content to ignore him completely, so Ben had been able to simply skim the data he’d brought with him while trying to come to terms with himself. Now he’s walking back to his quarters, continuing to try to figure out what to do.

 

His room is still in shambles and that morning he’d dressed as quickly as he could so that he didn’t need to see the aftermath. It has to be dealt with; he knows that. But the more pressing issue is how to ensure that that was the absolute last time.

 

Rey’s belief in him feels like it’s almost enough, but then it slides away and years of memories come for him.

 

It’s almost time for dinner and he’s supposed to meet Rey, but he decides he needs to make a stop first.

 

\---

 

Leia is up to her ears in reports. All the construction needed to make the abandoned mine into their new base is nearly completed, the kitchens are running smoothly—though she has assigned an officer to inspect them daily, and recruits are pouring in.

 

The First Order has been unusually quiet, no doubt because their leader defected. Though what she knows of Armitage Hux makes her nervous on that score. Ben’s data made it abundantly clear that Starkiller was his brainchild. Any man who could envision and actually build such a monstrosity is capable of anything.  

 

Luckily, she’s been able to make quite a few contacts with her old spy network, so she’s hopeful that if the First Order begins to plan any large scale actions, she’ll be warned. Now is the time to focus on rebuilding and planning. She won’t authorize any sort of offensive move unless she’s certain they will be successful. They don’t have the manpower or the morale to take any risks.

 

Rubbing her neck, she stretches her back. She’s not sure how long she’s been sitting at her desk, but if her stiff joints are any indication she’s been here too long. Checking her chrono, she sees it’s time for dinner and stands, listening to her spine pop in protest.

 

She’s almost to her door when the alert sounds. Actually, it’s surprising she was able to spend an entire afternoon catching up on paperwork and she’s feeling rather accomplished. No doubt Connix has come to check on her.

 

“Come in!” she calls.

 

The door doesn’t open and she frowns. Perhaps Connix hadn’t heard her. But as she’s making her way to let in her visitor, it finally opens.

 

Ben stands in her doorway and his whole frame sags, as if someone had cut his strings. His head is hanging down and his hands flex. She can’t feel him through the Force; he’s clearly blocking her intensely. Generally at this distance she can feel _something_.

 

“Ben?” she inquires.

 

He lifts his eyes to hers and they swim with sadness.

 

“What is it? What’s happened?” Leia says as she rushes towards him. She may not be able to sense him, but her eyes tell her something is very wrong.

 

Ben looks back and forth in the corridor and Leia offers, “Please, come in. Talk to me.”

 

Pain flits through his expression, but then he’s moving into her office and the door slides shut behind him. He walks over to her bay of terminals and watches the feed of the hangar for a moment. It doesn’t take long for Leia to realize he’s looking at Rey.

 

Leia decides to let him talk when she’s ready and just waits quietly. Ben’s hand raises to Rey’s image and hovers over her image. Then he sighs heavily and slowly turns to face her.

 

“I … I need your help,” he admits softly. Then his hand slowly goes to his belt and he unhooks his saber. Leia can’t help the frisson of fear that goes up her spine at the sight of his chosen weapon.

 

“What can I do?” she asks steadily.

 

“I need you to keep this for me,” he declares in a resigned tone as he presents her with the hilt.

 

Leia blinks quickly and looks back and forth between her son and the blade that killed her husband. She recognizes part of it as once belonging to his first lightsaber and she can’t help it, she gasps.

 

“You … you bled your crystal?” she asks, unable to hide the revulsion in her voice.

 

His eyes clench tightly, his expression lined with shame and hurt. “I did.” When he opens his eyes, they swim with regret. He holds it out to her and whispers, “Please … it’s not safe for me to have it.”

 

“Please, Son … please tell me what’s happened.”

 

He looks away then goes to gently lays the weapon on her desk. Keeping his back to her, he grasps the edge of the furniture and hangs his head. She can barely hear him when he says, “Do you remember how I used to lose control of my anger?”

 

Leia moves closer to him and stands to his right. Not too close, but close enough that she could reach for him if he needs her comfort. She still can’t quite believe that her boy is actually here; that he seems to be genuinely trying.

 

“Yes, I remember. Luke told me you’d been able to find peace in your training.”

 

He snorts derisively. “No, if anything it just got worse.” Sighing heavily, he continues, “I learned how to hide them. I would go into the forest and destroy a tree or Force push boulders. As long as I got far enough away, no one could hear my screams.”

 

“Oh … Ben …”

 

“Then Snoke encouraged me. He told me my anger was my strength. Actually, he always encouraged me.” Swiftly, he turns towards her. “Did you know?”

 

“Know what?”

 

“That he was in my head? All the time?”

 

Leia’s eyes go wide and she feels like she’s been stabbed in the gut. “No … I didn’t. I sensed _something_ but I had no idea it was so bad. When-when did it start?”

 

“He was always there, before I have memory, he was there,” he says bleakly.

 

Inhaling sharply, Leia’s hand flies to her mouth. Tears spring to her eyes and without really thinking about it, she wraps her arms around her son. “Why didn’t you _tell_ me?”

 

He doesn’t return her embrace, but he doesn’t pull away either. “Half the time I thought I might be insane. The last thing I wanted was to give you a reason to send me away. You were already gone so often …”

 

Leia holds him tighter and the tears escape, coursing down her face. “I’m so sorry, Ben. So, so sorry. I did so many things wrong … I can never make it up to you, I know that, but I want to try.”

 

His arms come up and come around her, holding her loosely. “You don’t owe me anything. I’ve made countless mistakes … I can’t judge you for yours.”

 

“But you’re here, you’re trying.”

 

“And failing, so badly.”

 

Leia pulls back and looks up into her son’s face. His eyes seem almost hollow. “Tell me more.”

 

Swallowing thickly, he steps back and again looks at Rey on the terminal. “I don’t know how to control my rages. And … every time I lose control, the baby feels it. She gets terrified, frantic. She calls out to me, tries to comfort me …” He laughs a broken, mirthless laugh. “Can you imagine that? My little baby who hasn’t even been born yet tries to take care of _me_. Not to mention Rey …”

 

She takes him by his arm. “Come … sit.”

 

He nods slightly and follows her over to a set of chairs in the corner of her office. Awkwardly, he folds himself into the too-small chair and looks at the floor blankly.

 

“What happened, exactly?” Leia asks, hoping nothing has gone horribly wrong with Rey. She’s not sure Ben would survive that blow.

 

Continuing to look down, he says in a low voice, “I told Rey about my past … about my sins. But I did it all wrong. I yelled at her, forgot where I was, really … It was as if I was back with _them_ and _proud_ of everything I’ve done.”

 

“Are you?” Leia asks keenly.

 

He looks up sharply, his expression full of horror. “No!” he hisses.

 

Nodding, Leia says, “Was Rey able to accept you after you’d told her?”

 

“Do you know … do you know all I’ve done?” he asks, his voice trembling.

 

For a moment Leia can’t meet his eyes. For years she’d read the reports, take in one more atrocity and put it in the box inside, the box that she must never open. She knows. But she can’t talk about it. She only nods once.

 

Ben lets out a long, pained breath. “Rey needed some time after I told her. She didn’t get angry, didn’t ask me why, didn’t tell me what a despicable beast I am. She just went to her room. And … and I fell apart.”

 

“What did you do?”

 

“I destroyed my room. Everything is in pieces. I slashed it up with my lightsaber, Force pushed things into the walls … I even demolished my presents for Rey and the baby,” he shudders out.

 

“Oh, Ben ….” Leia can’t quite believe he’d go so far as that. She knows how deeply he loves his little family. The thought that he’d take his saber to their things is extremely upsetting.

 

“I know,” he responds miserably. “But I don’t know how to stop! If I think I’m going to lose her—it’s like my head is full of noise and I can’t think. All I can do is scream and rage.”

 

He startles her when he swiftly stands and retrieves his saber from her desk. Then he comes to stand in front of her and holds her eyes. At first she has to crane her neck, but then he sinks to his knees in front of her.

 

Again, he holds out his weapon. “I need help, Mom. Will you keep this for me? Will you h-help me?” His eyes are wet and he’s shaking slightly.

 

Leia takes in a deep breath and closes her hands over the lightsaber and his fingers. The metal is cool and his hands warm. The hilt clangs discordantly against her Force signature, but she ignores it.

 

Pushing away everything she knows her son has done with this tortured weapon, she holds his eyes firmly. “Of course I’ll help you. You’re my son.”

 

He lets out a broken whimper and lays his head on her shoulder. Taking the lightsaber in her hands, she places it on a low table and folds her giant of a son in her arms. Soon, he’s clinging to her and she holds him as tightly as she can.

 

“I’m sorry, Mom,” he whispers.

 

“I’m sorry, too, my sweet boy.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! Having you to hold my hand through everything is such a godsend!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! He brought me flowers last week just because and was a wonderful host to a fellow reylo who visited! He's such a brilliant cheerleader.
> 
> Thank you Readers! I'm so lucky that you give my stories your time. Thank you for every hit, kudo, and comment! <3


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate Daddy and Magnificent Mama begin to navigate their relationship like proper adults!

Rey can’t stop looking at the door to the mess hall. Ben had said he’d meet her for dinner, but he still hasn’t turned up. Sighing, she decides to dig into her meal; he’s so strange about her eating enough, she figures he won’t mind. And, if she’s honest, it’s not like she’s particularly normal about food anyway.

 

She still can’t believe that there’s always food to eat. Whenever she wants something—she doesn’t even have to be hungry—she can find it. Sure, it might be a ration bar, but even that’s better than portions. She never wants to choke down another blue quick-bread as long as she lives.

 

And the food Ben keeps finding for her … it’s better than anything she’d ever imagined. His dogged determination to provide her with a better life soothes over so many of the open wounds in her soul. He may be walking through hell right now, but the way he treats her, hell just the way he _looks_ at her, makes her think that the fear that lives deep inside her will one day be quieted.

 

Where _is_ he? She won’t let her insecurity get the better of her, not when they’re already dealing with Ben’s demons. But she misses him. Being apart during the days is … difficult. And according to Rose, it’s just going to get harder.

 

The reminder of what Rose had told her about her second trimester makes her cheeks heat. She already wants Ben so much, the thought of it growing even more intense is frankly terrifying. But Rose had been very blunt. “Oh, yeah, honey. You’re gonna want to climb him like a tree for the next three months.”

 

Except … she wants that _now_. Truthfully, she felt the first stirring of desire when he’d interrogated her in that awful chair. Stars, _that_ had been confusing. She’d never experienced that swooping warmth in her belly, that almost violent twist of pleasure, until seeing his face for the first time.

 

Just thinking about him makes her muscles clench and she finds herself rubbing her thighs together in anticipation of seeing him. Only he can ease this ache. But he’d asked that they not take it any further. She might be ready to finally know what it feels like to have him inside her, but she doesn’t think he is.  

 

Plus, he’d been so resigned this morning. It was all she could do to coax him to kiss her. Once he’d accepted she really wanted it, he’d perked up, but she can’t really imagine that he’ll want much more right now. Even if she _is_ getting rather desperate to feel him again.

 

She’s almost finished with her meal and now she’s truly worried. She’d told him he could reach out to her through the bond if he needed to communicate … Blinking, she realizes she could, too.

 

Gently, she follows that golden thread between them and calls out, “Ben,” through the Force.

 

On the other end he’s closed up tightly and she only gets a seeping feeling of emptiness, as if he’s wrung out. “Ben … are you alright?”

 

He unfurls slightly and Rey is relieved to sense little sparks of hope woven throughout his sadness. The warmth in his energy wraps around her like a warm blanket. “I lost track of time. I’m sorry. Have you eaten?”

 

Rey smiles. Of course he’d focus on that. “Yes, I’ve had dinner. But I can still wait for you?”

 

“I’m … I’m with my mother. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll eat with her.”

 

A pang of disappointment strikes at her heart. After everything that’s happened she needs to be in his arms more than almost anything. But she knows it’s a good thing for him to spend time with Leia. A very good thing. She doesn’t quite know what to do with the flare of rejection that she pushes away quickly.

 

“Take your time.” She puts a great deal of effort into making her thoughts neutral before she asks, “Will I see you later?”

 

“If you still want to.” His words are threaded with shame and reticence.

 

“Of course I want to, Ben. I’ll be in my room.” She sends him a burst of affection and withdraws.

 

Walking swiftly to her quarters, she tries not to obsess over how distant he’d been.

 

\---

 

Rey fades away and he suddenly wants to go to her. Right now. He knows he’s pulling back from her; he’s too afraid of hurting her again. Honestly, he should probably leave and not come back until he’s untangled his mess of a head, but he can’t. Being away from Rey just isn’t an option.

 

Besides his own selfish needs, the last thing he would ever do is leave his twin stars in a middle of a war. He has to be here to protect them. There’s a deceptive safety in this new base, but it’s not enough to fool him. As long as Rey insists on being part of the Resistance, she’ll never be truly safe. And, unfortunately, even if she _were_ willing to leave, Hux would make sure she always had a target on her back.

 

“Son?” his mother queries, pulling him from his dark thoughts. They’re still sitting in her office, across from each other.

 

“I was just speaking with Rey. I was supposed to have dinner with her, but …” His hands flail.

 

“We could ask her to join us?” Leia offers.

 

“She’s already eaten. Besides … she probably needs a break from me anyway.”

 

Leia frowns. “No, I don’t think she does. Unless … do you need a break?” she asks with concern.

 

He looks up sharply. “No! I hate being away from her. But right now … I’m afraid. Afraid of myself, of what I might put her through.”

 

Her expression grows soft. “Oh, Ben … some of that is unavoidable. You are going to hurt her. And she’s going to hurt you.”

 

Ben can’t quite imagine Rey hurting him, but then he remembers how much she _had_ hurt him on the _Supremacy._ Now though … everything between them has changed.

 

“That may be true,” he says carefully. “But this is different. When I lose myself it has nothing to do with her.”

 

She sits back and regards him thoughtfully. “I think it has quite a bit to do with her.”

 

“No, no, it’s always about me.”

 

“They aren’t mutually exclusive. Let me ask you something.”

 

He remembers this version of his mother. That keen understanding of everyone in the room and he wonders what he’s revealed to her unwittingly. “Alright,” he agrees warily.

 

“Do you think you deserve Rey?”

 

He snorts loudly. “Gods, no.”

 

Sadness eddies through her gaze, but she presses on. “Do you think you deserve to be loved?”

 

“I … “ There are moments he wonders, when he gets it right and Rey smiles so brilliantly, but ultimately, how could anyone who has done what he’s done deserve love? “No. No, I don’t,” he murmurs.

 

“And yet Rey loves you. I love you.”

 

“I know,” he says lowly.

 

His mother stands and begins to walk slowly around the room. “I like to think I’m pretty smart. And that Rey thinks faster than a blaster bolt. Do you really believe we would love you if you didn’t deserve that love? Isn’t it possible we see things that you don’t?”

 

Just talking about this is making him nervous. He can feel his temper rising. He wants to scream that he’s disgusting, vile, that he deserves nothing but pain. But he can’t throw that in his mother’s face. He can’t question her judgement like that. It’s a neat little trap and he just gapes.

 

Leia walks over to him and sets her hand on his shoulder, “Let’s order dinner, shall we?”

 

He only nods dumbly. He has a lot to think about.

 

\---

 

It takes her only a few minutes in her room to remember the state of Ben’s quarters. She’d noticed how he’d delayed leaving her that morning and how quickly he managed to get ready. It had actually startled her when he’d returned to walk her to the hangar. Now though, she feels a bit dim for not comprehending it earlier. He doesn’t want to face what he’d done to his own space.

 

She can almost hear Finn telling her that it’s his disaster—he should clean it up. But she _knows_ that it hurts him to see his own wreckage. To hell with what’s right. She’s going to fix this.

 

\---

 

With the help of one loader, she’ll be able to make short work of all of his destroyed furniture, dragging what she can lift and using the Force for the heavier items. Though most everything has been hacked to bits.

 

She wanders his room and pulls aside anything salvageable. Some of his clothes seem fine, though she decides to ask Leia for more clothing for Ben, all he has are the few outfits he’d purchased on Eshara.

 

But then … then she finds a small, soft blanket carefully folded and set in the corner. Her fingers glide over the soft surface and she takes in that it’s scarred by his lightsaber; the fabric is tattered and burnt in places. It’s a pale green and just the right size for a baby.

 

Rey tries to push away that Ben had already found something for their girl. It’s so tender, so loving—and yet so heartbreaking that he couldn’t keep from destroying even this. The fear is real as she re-folds this sad token of their situation.

 

But that … that’s not why she’s here. She’s not going to parade his sins in front of him. No, what she’s going to do is give him back some damned peace. He’s been judged enough.

 

\---

 

She’s grunting and struggling with a new bed when he finds her. Her face is red and her muscles straining. All he can imagine is how this stress must be affecting their baby. “Rey! What are you doing?!” he barks disapprovingly.

 

Standing quickly, she drops the edge of the new mattress and her hands go to her hips. “Fixing your mess!” she snaps hotly.

 

“You shouldn’t be lifting things like that! What about Little Star!” he bellows.

 

“She’s fine! I’m not even showing!”

 

“So? You can’t carry heavy things like that! What are you even doing?” he asks forcefully.

 

“I’m replacing the furniture _you_ destroyed when you decided to have a temper tantrum instead of talking to me!” she yells. Then her face falls and she looks down. “I just … I wanted to get your room ready. I know it hurt you to see it.”

 

In that moment he thinks he’d prefer the galaxy to swallow him whole. _Now_ he sees the piece of patterned fabric she’s draped over the mined wall he’d destroyed. _Now_ he notices that everything he’d wrecked is all gone, replaced by new standard-issue furniture. _Now_ he sees the carefully curated collection of his surviving belongings. Maker, he’s _disgusting._

 

“Rey, I’m sorry … I just worry so much about her, about both of you.” Why does he never think before he speaks? If he’d just held his tongue until he understood, she wouldn’t look so diminished and the self-loathing almost chokes him with its potency.

 

She gives a forlorn little nod and her air of defeat makes him feel even smaller, even more wretched. A huge part of him wants to turn on his heel and run away. His presence only inflicts more pain on his beloved.

 

Taking in a deep breath, he approaches her. He wants to hold her, to comfort her, but as he’s the one who has hurt her, it doesn’t feel like his place. Clenching his hands to keep from reaching for her, he offers, “Thank you. This was so thoughtful of you.”

 

She looks up at him, her wide hazel eyes swimming with apprehension. “I just wanted to do something nice for you.”

 

“And you did. I can’t believe you put all of this effort into me.”

 

She makes a face and says, “You do so much more for me … it was my turn.”

 

“No … no,” he croons. “You are the one who gives me so much. That you even allow me to speak with you is beyond generous.”

 

Now she rolls her eyes. ‘Ben, stop. I love you. That means I _want_ to do things for you. It’s not a competition.”

 

He nods, knowing she’s right, just as he knows he’ll make it his life’s work to give her everything he can, treasure her like the precious gift she is.

 

The silence stretches and he looks around, his eyes landing on a pile of bedding. He goes over to it and finds the sheets. Methodically, he starts to make the bed. Rey quietly joins him and together they soon have his bed ready.

 

Stepping back and regarding his now pristine room, he finds his courage and reaches for her hand. She immediately laces her fingers through his and he guides her closer, wrapping his other arm around her. “Thank you, Rey,” he murmurs into her ear.

 

She pulls back slightly and looks up into his eyes. “I only wanted to help.”

 

Taking her back into his arms fully he shudders out, “Gods, Rey … you do. I was so lost before you. And now … I feel like I might be able to finally find peace. Because of you.”

 

“Were you … were you avoiding me?” she asks, her voice shaky and hesitant.

 

He takes her by the shoulders and moves her so he can hold her gaze. “No … no. I … needed to talk to my mother. And … and I thought you might prefer some distance. After last night.”

 

Brows furrowing, she asks, “Why would you think that? What have I ever said that makes you think I want to be away from you? I _hate_ being away from you.”

 

Deeply, he breathes in a long breath. “Thank the Maker. I detest it. Everything makes sense when you’re near.”

 

Her lips form a small smile and she goes to her toes, kissing his cheek softly. As she pulls back, she whispers, “Then I should be with you as much as possible. Like right now. There’s even a brand new bed to try out.”

 

His cheeks heat and for a moment he considers side-stepping her suggestion. He’s not quite sure either of them are ready to be connected like that. But then she begins to kiss down his neck and the battle is lost before he’d even surmounted his defense.

 

Her firm, small body pressed against his stokes his fire and now he’s the one to nibble and suck along the slender column of her throat. It doesn’t take long for all of his fears and inadequacy to fall away, lost in the sensation of Rey wanting him.

 

Finally delving into her mouth, he kisses her like he hasn’t tasted her in months.

 

It’s not long before they’re both naked and moaning together on his bed, their bond singing out in delight.

 

\---

 

Sated and warm, they laze together in a tangle, safely tucked away from everything and everyone. He’d prefer they stay like this forever. There’s still so much for them to discover together, but being able to touch here _there,_ feel her naked body against his, it’s more than he’d ever dreamed of.

 

He goes up on his elbow and looks down on her extremely satisfied face. She’d been quite eager and he’d discovered he could bring her to her release several times. He’s still feeling rather smug about that.

 

“You’re so beautiful like this,” he says with awe.

 

Rey scoffs and runs her hand through her hair. “I’m sure I’m a _complete_ mess.”

 

Grinning, he says, “Ah, but you’re my mess, and such a delectable mess you are.” He growls into her neck, biting her gently.

 

“Don’t start again if you’re not prepared to finish,” she warns.

 

“Aren’t we greedy,” he teases as he pulls back to see her face. Her eyes slide away and she looks sheepish. “Rey? What is it?”

 

Biting her lip, she explains, “Well … it’s just that Rose told me that women in their second trimester … they … uhm … they tend to … _get greedy_.”

 

His brow shoots up at this. “So … this,” he gestures between them, “Was just a side effect?” He can’t hide the hurt in his tone.

 

“No!” she cries. “No. I’ve wanted this, wanted you for a long time, long before this. Please, please don’t think otherwise.”

 

“You’re sure? How can you know?”

 

She purses her lips and strokes his face. “Ben, I only want _you_. That’s how I know. If being pregnant just makes me … eager, any man would do. And I certainly don’t want another man. Besides, can’t you feel it through the bond?” she asks with a hint of fear.

 

Oh. She’s right. The desire and love that floods him through their connection couldn’t possibly be anything other than real. “You’re right … I just … I couldn’t bear it if I ever thought I was taking advantage of you.”

 

Rey grins and shakes her head ruefully. “I seem to recall being the one to push you down onto the bed and rip your clothes off.”

 

Well, she’s certainly right about that. She’d had him naked in seconds and, Maker, he’d loved it. He smiles down on her and kisses her softly before shifting so he can again see her face. “I like it. I like that you want me,” he admits.

 

“So it wasn’t too much? After everything?” she asks cautiously.

 

“No … not at all. Honestly, I think I needed you like this. I feel … more whole, stronger, even.”

 

Startling him, she manages to push him on his back and straddle him in one smooth motion. She braces her hands on his chest and her hair tickles his face as she looks down on him. “Well then that’s our solution!” she nearly crows.

 

Her hips undulate against him and he’s already growing hard again. Trying to focus on what she’d said, he asks, “Solution?”

 

“Every time you feel like you’re going to lose your temper, we’ll just get naked!”

 

Chuckling deeply, he pulls her down and kisses her firmly.

 

They don’t get much sleep that night.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! You are so essential to this journey.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who rather adorably wore his Reylo t-shirt to work yesterday. 
> 
> Thank you Readers! It's so wonderful to be writing regularly again. Thank you all so much for your wonderful support!


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Suitor the Second causes drama yet again. Will Desperate Daddy keep his cool?

There’s that telltale tingle of warmth in her womb when she wakes. Ben is ‘playing’ with their daughter. He’s holding Rey with one arm, his other hand on her abdomen and what she thinks is her child’s laugh tickles along her spine.

 

She opens her eyes and watches Ben, whose eyes are trained on her belly and his expression is wide open. Seeing him like this, so joyful, his grin transforming his face, it gives Rey true hope. This, _this_ is the man he was meant to be.

 

_Mama!_

 

Rey puts her hand over Ben’s and greets her daughter as she always does, sending out a light tendril of the Force, imagining her bathed in a warm glow.

 

_Mmmm. Mama …_

 

Their fledgling daughter isn’t making words, not really, it’s just how it makes Rey _feel_. Like a sparkle of energy she only expresses for her.

 

“Good morning,” rumbles in her ear.

 

Settling back into his embrace, she glances up and finds him looking at her intensely. “Hi,” she offers, suddenly feeling a bit shy. They’re still naked and she’s not quite used to that yet. They’d only touched each other last night, but being intimate, even like that, has her feeling vulnerable.

 

Maybe Ben is right to want to wait, to get used to this first. This much contact with another person is overwhelming as it is; she’s not sure how she’ll feel letting him into her _body_. The thought is exciting and terrifying.

 

“Rey,” he croons.

 

His voice feels like the softest of silk moving along her nudity, and she again sinks into contentment. “Yes, Ben?”

 

“Thank you. Thank you for our daughter. Thank you for letting me touch you last night. Thank you for being in my arms this morning,” he declares ardently.

 

Smiling bashfully, she shakes her head. “You don’t need to thank me.”

 

His eyes darken. “But I do. You are … _everything_.” His hand presses down on her abdomen. “You both are.”

 

Rey makes a lopsided smile. “Rose says I should start showing soon.”

 

“Really?” he asks, his eyes eager and his tone brimming with excitement.

 

“Yup. Before you know it, I’ll be huge.”

 

He shifts swiftly and moves down her body, dropping kisses as he goes. Then he’s nuzzling at her belly, caressing her softly between his words. “Gods, Rey, I can’t wait … I want to see you swell with our baby … feel how you get round and ripe ... “

 

His kisses turn decidedly carnal, but then there’s a burst of giggles from their precocious daughter.

 

_Papa silly! PapaMamaPapaMamaHappyHappyHappy._

 

Ben pulls away swiftly, his cheeks absolutely flaming and Rey can’t keep from laughing.

 

“Come on, _Papa_. Time to get ready!” she chirps.

 

He rolls over on his back, slinging his arm over his eyes. “I think I like it better when she sleeps,” he grumbles.

 

\---

 

Three weeks. Three glorious weeks have passed since his meltdown. Now he’s sitting at his desk after grunting a greeting towards his … colleague. Sipping his caf, he contemplates how quickly the time is passing.

 

Much as it pains him to admit it, Dameron is not _entirely_ stupid. They’ve managed to place spies in several key operational areas of the First Order. Ben’s knowledge has made it possible to infiltrate at higher levels than the Resistance had managed thus far and a nice little spy ring is coming together.

 

He and Rey have settle into a _very_ pleasant routine. During the day they focus on their respective tasks and at night they continue to explore each other’s bodies. Once Little Star is asleep, of course.

 

Every morning he starts the day by smoothing his hand over her belly, checking to see if today is the day she starts showing. Rey is at just over four months now and Ben isn’t sure he’s ever been so happy.

 

Rey has been getting more and more eager for him and he’s considering asking her if she’ll allow him to taste her. As satisfied as she seems when he uses his fingers, an air of frustration has begun to appear sometimes. He wants to give her more, find new ways to make her call out his name. Most of him wants to throw caution to the wind and try _everything_ but something is holding him back. There will only be one chance to make love to Rey for the first time and his need for it to be perfect paralyzes him. But he knows she’s getting impatient.

 

He’s had dinner with his mother twice now and he wonders if he could talk to her about it? Then he realizes that that would mean actually _talking_ to his mother about _sex_ and he quickly discards the notion.

 

Setting his cup down he looks at his hands, remembering how his mother had asked him a very difficult question over their last meal together. She wants to hold a ‘family dinner’ with himself, Rey and … Chewie. He doesn’t know how to feel about it. And he _really_ doesn’t want to know how in the galaxy she got Chewie to agree. Rey thinks it’s a wonderful idea, of course.

 

But Ben … he just worries it will trigger one of his storms. He’s been able to keep himself together for three whole weeks and the ease of his life with Rey is _intoxicating_. Not having any idea what to do, he decides he’ll figure it out later.

 

“Alright Dameron, lets pull up the Cathne system. I had an idea last night.”

 

The pilot glowers, but does what he’s asked.

 

\---

 

Yawning, Rey wakes up, careful not to jostle Ben. She’s started to notice that her abdomen is beginning to curve ever so slightly, but she’s not sure if it’s her imagination. She hasn’t said anything to Ben because he seems to truly enjoy checking every day. It’s a little silly, it’s not like she’s going to wake up with a bump one morning, but his eyes always glow with adoration and his touch is so tender.

 

Gliding her hand over her stomach, she’s certain that she can really feel it now and wonders if Ben will be able to tell. It really should be any day now, according to Rose.

 

The last few weeks have been blissful. But she hasn’t allowed herself to forget the danger Ben presents to her baby and she’s been sneaking looks at the slim volume Master Luke had suggested. She still hasn’t told Ben about his appearance, not being able to shake the fear that she, and she alone, must know how to shield their child.

 

She knows she should trust him with this knowledge, but then she remember his face contorted in rage and her daughter’s frantic cries.

 

Thus far all she’s found is a few interesting stories about pregnant Force users. Apparently being able to communicate is to be expected, just not as early as they’ve experienced. There’s nothing about what a Force bond might mean for all of them.

 

However, yesterday afternoon she’d come across a section that seems extremely promising. Something about emotional bleed between mother and child. Hopefully, her work load will allow her an hour or two to read this afternoon.

 

Ben snorts loudly, waking himself up. She has to stifle a giggle, he does this regularly and it’s just so endearing.

 

“How are my twin stars,” he asks groggily.

 

“Wonderful,” she purrs before trailing kisses along his jaw.

 

“Mmmmm,” he groans appreciatively.

 

Rey isn’t sure she’ll ever get used to how responsive he is to her touch. It doesn’t matter if it’s for affection or pleasure, his attention is always wholly focused on her. It’s intense and it makes her feel essential to him.

 

“Let’s see how Little Star is this morning,” he murmurs as he slides his large hand along her belly. She loves how huge his hands are, the way one covers her whole stomach. He’s playful and sweet this morning, but then he stills.

 

He catches her eyes and repeats the motion, a giant grin breaking out on his face. “I can feel it! I can feel her!”

 

Biting her lip, she murmurs, “Mmmhmmm.”

 

“Oh, Rey,” he sighs out, then he kisses her hard. “I love you, I love you so much.”

 

“I love you, _we_ love you.”

 

Then he’s nudging the slight bulge with his nose. “Hello, my beautiful little girl,” he croons.

 

Rey leans back and lets Ben whisper words of love and awe to the small being growing within her.

 

_PapaPapaPapa …_

 

\---

 

At his desk in his shared office, Ben tries to keep the grin off of his face, he really does. But he can’t stop remembering feeling the first true physical sign of his daughter nestled in Rey’s womb. It feels so much more real now and he’s impatient to watch Rey blossom.

 

His little girl had been like a bouncing ball of light this morning, unwilling to stop their little games until he’d had to go, lest he be late. It’s clear that she has her mother’s personality and he absolutely adores it. Perhaps he should start calling her Little Spitfire. The thought makes him chuckle and Dameron slams down his hand on his desk.

 

“What has you so _happy_?” he asks with an edge of contempt.

 

Ben looks at him blankly. He’s not about to share anything to do with his family with this man. Yes, they’ve managed to work with each other, more or less, but that’s a far cry from sharing personal details.

 

Dameron snorts and shakes his head. “It’s not right that a man with your body count is so damned content. I know you. You’re just going to hurt her and her daughter.”

 

The truth in his words hooks into Ben’s heart and he clenches his fists. He must not let this man get under his skin. But that knowledge doesn’t keep him from snarling, “You mean _my_ daughter?”

 

Looking vaguely ill, Dameron grimaces. “Don’t remind me.”

 

“Don’t remind you that Rey carries a part of me, _inside_ her?” Ben taunts.

 

Dameron jumps to his feet and tries to loom over Ben’s still sitting form. In the back of his mind, Ben knows he’s crossed a line, using Rey to gain a point with the pilot, but he’s been ignoring weeks of little snipes and nasty comments and he’s had _enough_.

 

He breathes in and out slowly, nostrils flaring, trying to calm himself down.

 

Then Dameron sneers, “Like she even chose you. If you didn’t have the Force as your pimp you’d still be murdering your way across the galaxy.”

 

Ben is on his feet in a flash. “You know nothing of what’s between us,” he grits out through clenched teeth.

 

Chin jutting forward, Dameron provokes, “I know she’d _never_ be with you if she wasn’t knocked up. The Rey I know would have hated you for everything you’ve done. Does she even know a fraction of it?”

 

“Yes, she does,” Ben snarls. “She knows everything.”

 

A look of revulsion fills Dameron’s face. “And she still invites you to her bed.” He rocks back on his heels. “And I thought I knew her. I never would have pegged her to whore herself out to the dark side.”

 

Dameron is pinned to the wall by his throat before Ben even thinks about it. He’s about to plow his fist into Dameron’s face, but the man is … grinning?

 

“Do it,” he rasps out. “I know who you _really_ are, First Order scum.”  

 

Ben blinks rapidly. If he gave into the rioting need in his blood to beat this man to a pulp he’d have to see that fear in Rey’s eyes again. No. He won’t let himself lose control, not over the _pilot_. Slowly, he pulls his hand away from his throat.

 

“It’s only a matter of time before you break and show your true colors. I’m on to you,” Dameron wheezes out. “I won’t let you hurt them.”

 

He has to get out of here. If Dameron keeps at him, he won’t be able to keep himself in check. The madness is calling to him so sweetly. Wouldn’t it feel good to break his nose? Imagine how satisfying it would be to see his blood flow … No! No … his twin stars need him sane.

 

Bursting out of their office, he stalks down the corridor. If he could just get somewhere unobserved … but no. He’s pledged to himself he won’t do that any longer. That doesn’t change that the rage is boiling inside him, screaming for an outlet.

 

Walk. Just keep walking. Deeper into the mines he goes, but it’s not helping. Because he knows Dameron is _right_. It is only a matter of time before he breaks and hurts his family again.

 

It’s what he does.

 

\---

 

When Ben enters the command center Leia looks at him with concern. “Ben?” she inquires. He should be working with Poe right now.

 

“General,” he acknowledges politely.

 

She frowns, not liking the formality. “Come to my office.”

 

He follows her silently and she tries to feel for him through the Force. All she finds is his usual wall and she sighs. She misses how open he used to be to her.

 

Once her door slides shut she turns to him and says, “You know, Son, you don’t have to call me ‘General’.”

 

“It would be inappropriate to call you ‘Mom’ while on duty,” he replies with rolled eyes.

 

“I think I’ve earned a few moments outside of protocol,” she rejoins, her eyebrow arching. “Anyway, what do you need?”

 

He looks away, his bearing radiating shame. “I … I had an … episode. With Dameron.”

 

“I see. Is he still in one piece?”

 

“Yes, but it was a near thing. I don’t think I can go back, at least today.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“He goaded me, said some awful things about Rey, tried to prove I haven’t changed.”

 

Leia purses her lips and shakes her head. She’d thought Poe was over this ridiculousness. What else can she do to get that man to understand that Rey is simply not for him?

 

“Well, we both know you have.”

 

“Have I?” he asks in a bleak tone.

 

“Ben … of course you have. Instead of pummeling Poe into dust you left. That’s progress.”

 

He just shrugs.

 

Sighing, she says, “When you first came here you were a livewire of rage and possessiveness. Now you’re calm-” Ben snorts loudly. “Alright, _relatively_ calm. And you’re obviously very happy with Rey.”

 

A small smile forms on his lips. “She’s showing,” he says with pride.

 

“Really? Oh that’s wonderful! You’ll both be at dinner tomorrow, yes?”

 

His brows knit and his jaw works. “I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”

 

“You and Chewie need to work this out, you know you do.”

 

He holds her gaze, his eyes full of naked fear. “But what if … I just don’t want to screw up. If he pushes me about Dad … I don’t know what might happen.”

 

“I’ll be there, Rey will be there. You have support. You need to face this.”

 

“Yeah … okay.”

 

\---

 

Once he leaves his mother, he finds himself striding swiftly to the hangar. He just needs to hold Rey for a moment. Remind himself of what’s real and true in his life. And there’s no way he’s going to think about the upcoming dinner.

 

Dameron had _gotten to him_. As he walks, he just keeps hearing the man’s crude words.

 

_Like she even chose you._

 

_I know she’d never be with you if she wasn’t knocked up._

 

He knows he should ignore the insidious doubt in the back of his brain. But the pilot is _right_. She never chose him. Given time though, maybe she might have?

 

Scoffing into the empty corridor he knows she never would have. She’s just made the best out of a bad situation.

 

She does love him, of that he’s sure. But he’s equally sure she never would have if the Force hadn’t played Maker with their lives.

 

\---

 

Rey only just manages to hide away the Jedi text before Ben reaches her station. She’s flustered and feeling caught, but then she sees his eyes. They’re swimming with anguish and she rushes to him.

 

“Ben! What is it?”

 

He pulls her into his arms and shakes his head against the crook of her neck. She holds him tightly with one arm along his back and the other carding through his hair. He lets out a broken little whimper.

 

“Ben?” she prods cautiously.

 

“I just need to hold you.” His words vibrate along her skin and she keeps running her fingers along his scalp.

 

After several long moments, she tries again. “Please, tell me what happened?”

 

Letting out a great sigh, he pulls back and searches her face. “I … something Dameron said.”

 

Rey purses her lips. “What did that hothead do now?”

 

He snorts inelegantly. “Only pointed out the truth.” He sounds so forlorn and Rey is growing truly concerned.

 

“What did he say?”

 

Ben looks away briefly, his arms still around her waist. “He said you never chose me, that if it weren’t for Little Star, you never would have.”

 

Rey raises her eyes to the ceiling and huffs. “Poe doesn’t know anything about anything.”

 

“But he was right about that. You _didn’t_ choose me.”

 

Her Ben can be such an idiot. “But I _did_.”

 

“ _After_ you were pregnant with my child.”

 

“Well, technically, yes. I suppose I was about two hours pregnant with her when I chose you, but I certainly didn’t know that.”

 

Now his face shifts into profound confusion. “No, it was on Eshara-”

 

“Ben.” She holds his face with her hands. “I came to you on _Snoke’s ship_ with nothing but my lightsaber and hope.”

 

His mouth hangs open and his eyes are comically wide. He seems utterly befuddled.

 

“What else would you call that? I chose you, I did.”

 

Then his expression transforms into an almost gleeful joy and then he’s kissing her so deeply she can barely keep up. She manages, though, and soon she’s lost in the pleasure and heat of Ben’s glorious mouth.

 

Her core twists with delicious tension and he lifts her in his arms, his hardness trapped between them. She’s about to wrap her legs around him when she hears a large clang.

 

“Oi!” shouts one of the pilots. “She’s already pregnant, hands to yourself!”

 

Sheepishly, Ben lowers her to the ground and they part quickly. She catches his gaze, worried he’ll be embarrassed, but instead his eyes are full of fire.

 

A single word sears through their bond, making her shiver.

 

_Later_

 

\---

 

After her shift, Rey heads to Ben’s quarters to meet him before dinner. As soon as she enters his room, he’s on her, kissing her frantically. His hands move swiftly to pull off her top.

 

“Please tell me she’s asleep,” he growls.

 

“Yes-Mmph!” He cuts her off with another deep kiss. Usually she’s the one to climb all over him!

 

She’s about to ask him what’s going on, but he latches onto her breast and snakes his hand down her leggings. The twin sensations of him sucking at her nipple and rubbing circles on her clit has her moaning in no time.

 

Then he thrusts a finger deep inside her and her head rolls back. “Gods, Ben, what’s gotten into you?”

 

“I need you, Rey. I need to be close to you.” Then he’s right back to lathing her breast with his tongue.

 

She tries to think clearly as he expertly pleasures her with his oh so talented fingers. Her knees are going weak and she steadies herself with her hands on his shoulders.

 

“Ben, did something—oh dear Maker—d-did something else happen?” She’s already so close and she can barely form words.

 

She squeaks out in surprise when he removes his hand from her center and swiftly lifts her in his arms. Now looking at him face-to-face, she sees that his eyes are almost _wild_.

 

“What is it? Please tell me,” she pants out.

 

“Shhh, I just need you.” He kisses her firmly then lays her on his bed, his hands immediately hooking the waistband of her leggings. “Rey … let me taste you.”

 

She goes up on her elbows and takes in his hungry expression. His hair is falling around his face and he looks almost feral, his breathing harsh and his eyes alight with lust.

 

He startles her again when he buries his face at the apex of her thighs, breathing in deeply. “Gods, Rey, you smell so good. Please, please let me,” he begs.

 

They haven’t gone past touching each other and the thought of having his mouth _there_ is both terribly exciting and rather odd. But it feels wonderful when he sucks at her breasts, licks at her neck, and his plea is so desperate …

 

“Please,” he groans out.

 

His eyes lock with hers and she nods slightly, biting at her lower lip. Her agreement seems to unleash something in him and he strips her in a flash. She feels his tongue at her entrance before she’s really caught up.

 

“Oh!” she calls out in surprise as he licks past her entrance until he’s at the center of her pleasure. Then she’s completely lost as he swirls his tongue over the tight bud of nerves.

 

Her back arches off the bed as he swipes up under the hood of her clit. Dear gods, she didn’t know she could feel like this! With each pass of his tongue, she climbs higher. Now he’s making little whimpers, clearly enraptured by his task.

 

_You taste amazing, Rey,_ blooms in her head, and his ecstasy sweeps through her. _Tell me, tell me how this feels!_

 

“I-I, gods, Ben!” she cries out as he presses a finger into her, creating an almost a feedback loop. It’s nearly too much and she can’t form words. Instead, she opens herself fully to him and lets the dizzying pleasure flow.

 

Ben groans, deep and guttural, and the vibration tingles along all of her nerves. “Ben! Yes, Force, yes!” Then her words dissolve into desperate calls. She can’t think, she can only ride the glorious waves of bliss crashing into her.

 

_Yes, yes, give it to me, give me your pleasure, give me your song!_

 

His frantic need for her, his mirrored excitement, it’s all too much and her release rips through her, almost violently.

 

“Ben!” she keens as her orgasm pulls her down, down, down.

 

With one final, leisurely lick, Ben sits back, looking at her with complete devotion. They’re both breathing hard and trapped in each other’s gaze.

 

Slowly, he crawls up her body and gathers her into his arms. She wants to reciprocate, but she’s not sure she can move just yet.

 

He kisses along her forehead and lets out a satisfied sigh. “So good, so good …”

 

“Mmmhmm” she agrees emphatically.

 

Shyly, he again catches her eyes. “That was … that was alright? It wasn’t too much?”

 

Rey rolls her eyes and grabs his face, kissing him firmly. His lips are tangy and there’s something about knowing he tastes of her that makes Rey feel treasured. But, he’s stiff and needy against her thigh and she feels somewhat recovered so she starts to reach for his belt.

 

“Someone is decidedly overdressed,” she purrs.

 

His hand closes over hers and he stops her. “Soon. That was just for you; you don’t need to do anything.”

 

“But I want to,” she almost whines.

 

“Soon, my love, soon,” he murmurs.

 

Deciding that it _would_ be rather nice to just enjoy the languid feelings in her body, Rey stops her attempts and wraps her legs around his.

 

As she begins to doze she realizes what she wants. She loves him with all of her soul and it’s time to show him with her body.

 

It’s time to merge in all ways.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Readers! I apologize for the confusion around last chapter. They did not finally go all the way, just kept it to hands. But we'll get there soon!
> 
> ArtemisBare, thank you so so much for your constancy, my dear!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing. I received some rough news this week, Mama Downing has cancer (stage 1 so we're hopeful) and he's basically wrapped me in cotton batting, bringing me all my favorite treats and just being amazingly gentle. I think he'd like it if there was just something to punch, but in the absence of that he's being extremely protective.
> 
> Thank you Readers! You're all simply magnificent and having you give me the honor of reading my work means more than I can ever say. Being part of this community really helped this week.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Would anyone like some Space Lemonade? Desperate Daddy and Magnificent Mama finally rehearse for making their next baby.

Ben stares down at Rey, unable to look away from her delicate face in sleep. There’s something quite erotic about being fully clothed with her naked body in his arms. He can’t quite process that she’d allowed him to taste her. It had been beyond anything he could have imagined; the intimacy of the act making him feel closer to her than he ever has. Is it even possible that he could feel more entwined with her?

 

As it is, he’s suspended in a place of total devotion. His heart couldn’t hold any more love for her than it does already, could it? Yet … to be able to hold her eyes as he’s _inside_ her, know her as he should have _before_ their little daughter … it calls to him, as if the order of the universe demands it.

 

He thinks it might be time. Rey wants it, he’s sure of it. And it’s really only his own insecurity that’s holding him back. He desperately needs it to be perfect, yet after a lifetime of constant failure, he feels doomed to disappoint her.

 

But … even if he did, Rey always seems to make his bitter recriminations fade away. Perhaps he needs to just trust her. It is an act of trust, after all.

 

She sighs in her sleep and his lips pull into a gentle smile. He wants this. He wants to join with her, be one being. It feels as natural as breathing to be close with Rey. Somehow, she’s turned his whole world upside down. He honestly never thought he’d ever be with a woman like this. The thought had just been … confusing.

 

Letting anyone near had seemed the height of folly. He only got hurt when he did. By his early teens he’d learned his lesson. So when women—and a few men—had tried to entice him, there hadn’t been even the remotest spark of interest on his part. His walls would slam down and he’d sometimes feel revulsion.

 

With Rey, though … she passes through his protections like they were made of smoke. The doors she’s opened in his heart have left him simply wanting to follow wherever she leads. She swept away a lifetime of struggle, leaving only his little family in her wake. All that matters is them, now.

 

Gathering her closer, he drops a kiss to her forehead. He can still taste her on his tongue and just the memory of how she’d trembled against his mouth has him responding. She’d wanted to see to him, but he’d needed to bask in the glory of knowing Rey in such a way. Now he’s beginning to wish he’d chosen differently, an ache gathering in his core. He shifts uncomfortably, trying not to wake her.

 

Instead though, he finds himself grinding against her thigh. He _knows_ he really shouldn’t disturb her rest, but oh gods, it feels so good. He has to stop, the relief though …

 

“Mmmmm,” Rey purrs and he looks down to find her eyes open and knowing.

 

Completely caught, he shifts his hips away, but she reaches out and pulls him back, throwing her leg over him. Now the only thing separating him from her heat are his trousers and underthings.

 

Her eyes pin him; they’re already dark with arousal. “Ben … I want you.”

 

He makes a helpless little whine as he continues to unconsciously thrust against her. It’s impossible not to wonder what it would feel like to slip into her. But he can’t make this decision when he’s barely able to think through the haze of lust.

 

Shaking his head, he flips on his back, breathing harshly. “We shouldn’t decide something like that unless we’re thinking clearly.”

 

Rey sits up and her hands go to his belt. “I think I’ve been ready for a while now. Please … please. I need to feel you inside me,” she pleads with a husky voice.

 

Oh, gods … that does something to him, alighting his already primed body with sparks of almost frantic want. He’s trying to come up with something reasonable to say when she manages to undo his belt and trousers. His head falls back into the pillow and he moans from the feel of her slim fingers freeing his erection.

 

He’s wanted this from the moment he found out she was pregnant, needed to lay claim to the mother of his child. No, well before then, if he’s honest. He’s wanted her from the moment he found her in the forest. But he can’t, he _can’t_ do this if it’s not a real, clear decision.

 

Taking in a shuddering breath, he stills Rey’s hand and slips himself back into his open trousers; it’s the only way he can even begin to try to be rational. His heart still racing from anticipation, he sits up as well so that he’s facing her. She pulls up the sheet to cover herself.

 

He laces her fingers with his and holds her eyes. Her expression has grown guarded and he sees the beginning of that insecurity that always lives so close to the surface. Stars, he hopes he can find the right words.

 

“Rey … it’s not that I don’t want this. I want this, want _you,_ desperately.”

 

“Then why did you stop me?” she asks with a small voice.

 

“ _Because_ I want you so much.”

 

She cocks her head and shakes it slightly. “I don’t understand.”

 

“I’m afraid,” he says quietly. “Afraid I’ll hurt you. Afraid you’ll regret it. Afraid you won’t like it.”

 

Her expression melts and she huffs lightly. Squeezing his hands, she says, “You won’t hurt me and I could never regret it. As to not liking it …” She actually rolls her eyes. “I’ve loved everything we’ve done. The way you touch me, the way you make me feel … I know it will be wonderful.”

 

It’s his turn to be incredulous. “How can you possibly know that?”

 

“Because it will be with _you_ ,” she says simply, her tone sincere. “You _are_ the father of my child.”

 

The burst of joy he always feels when he thinks of Little Star makes him smile. “I suppose we are doing things rather out of order.” He feels a shiver of cold as he thinks of what the Force took from them. He could never regret any part of it, because without the Force’s meddling, he might never have been able to see what truly mattered. But he _is_ wistful that he wasn’t able to court her properly … marry her before they got pregnant.

 

The thought makes him flinch. He wishes she would agree to marry him, but somehow he knows that is a step too far. How could he expect her to give him her entire life when neither of them know if he can learn to handle his rage?

 

“What is it?” she ask with a whisper of concern.

 

Smiling sadly, he says, “I was only thinking of what I wasn’t able to give you.”

 

“Oh, Ben … you give me so much.”

 

He pushes away the strange melancholy feeling and scoots closer to her. “I just wish I had been able to go about this in the traditional way.”

 

“I don’t even know what that means. You think too much, you know that?”

 

He barks out a laugh. “Yes, I do.” Then his face grows serious. “But don’t you wish we’d been able to make her, together?” he asks earnestly.

 

She stretches out her hand and cups his face. “We _did_. We might not have known it, but when I reached for you, it _meant_ something to me.”

 

Placing his hand over hers, he responds, “As it did to me.”

 

“That moment, when our fingers touched … I think we joined in a way that’s outside of what our bodies can do. Something _profound_ happened.”

 

She’s completely unguarded and he can feel her emotions lap at him like the ocean’s waves. With a start he realizes she feels the same way he does about that moment. It was sacred, pure, eternal.

 

“Even though we can’t change how it happened, I think we did mean to connect with each other.”

 

He smiles bashfully. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous in my whole life.”

 

“Me neither.” She grins wickedly. “See, we already got being horribly nervous out of the way.” She lunges forward and he finds himself with a lap full of naked Rey. “Now, please Ben, _please_ make love to me?”

 

He pulls back slightly so he can hold her gaze. There’s nothing but desire and love in her eyes and without really meaning to, he’s nodding. Suddenly, all of his doubt just melts away. They’re bonded, they have a child on the way. They’re already connected so completely that his feelings shift into a sense of it being the most natural thing in the galaxy. Of course he will make love to her. Gods! Rey truly wants him.

 

Overwhelmed by the swell of love and devotion coursing through him, he holds her face firmly as he kisses her deeply, slipping his tongue between her soft lips. She whimpers into his mouth and he feels her hands working at the buttons of his tunic.

 

He doesn’t want to stop kissing her, but he’s now extremely eager to get his clothes off, so he gives her one last passionate kiss then swiftly pulls his tunic over his head. Rey scrambles from his lap and starts to pull at his trousers. Lifting himself slightly, together they manage to pull off the last of his clothing.

 

Enfolding her in his arms, he drops back into bed. He’s on his back and she’s draped along his torso. “You’re so beautiful,” is all he can say. Simply feeling their skin sing together … it’s as if the line between them has begun to grow fuzzy. Her delicate lips glisten from his attentions and she’s already getting that gorgeous flush. The way her hair is mussed from when he had his face buried between her folds makes his core clench in pleasure.

 

“I loved tasting you,” he growls before leaning forward and again capturing her lips.

 

“Oh my gods, Ben, it was so good. _You_ were so good,” she croons between kisses.

 

His chest swells with pride at her words. Being able to focus wholly on bringing her to her bliss had been a singular experience. Now, though, now he’s determined to make her cry out even louder. He wants her incoherent with pleasure.

 

Her kisses are making him dizzy with pent-up lust, his cock throbbing almost painfully. He flips her onto her back, making her squeal with delight as he grins down on her. “We already belong to each other, but I need you to know what it means to me that you want to share this with me.”

 

“Oh Ben, I wouldn’t want to share it with anyone else.”

 

He nods once, firmly. “Good. Because after tonight, there’s no going back.”

 

“I wouldn’t want to.” Her brows crinkle. “Would you?”

 

“Gods, no. Never,” he vows and he’s again on her, kissing her until he needs to taste her skin. Sucking at her neck, he trails his hand down her gorgeous body, thrilled at the fact she wants him to touch her like this.

 

Women must be prepared, he remembers learning somewhere. He has to open her up for him so that he doesn’t hurt her. As he slips a single finger between her silken folds, he groans at how her walls grasp him. She’s already slick and her sex is swollen and oh so hot.

 

Holding her tightly against him, he slowly slips in another finger, stroking along that special patch that always makes her gasp. She shifts from kissing his lips to caressing along his cheek until she’s at his ear.

 

“When you do that with your fingers I always imagine it’s your cock inside me.” Her warm breath in his ear and her suggestive words make him pulse and twitch, almost as if he’s seeking her tight heat. Maker, he’s never been so lost in need and desire. Will he ever be able to quench this thirst she inspires?

 

As he thrusts his fingers into her, he decides to do something he’s never done before and he adds a third digit.

 

“Oh, gods,” she groans as he feels her stretch around his hand deliciously. He presses into her as far as he can and he thinks he’s going to lose his mind if he doesn’t feel her around his aching, desperate erection.

 

“Please, Ben, please. I need you, I need you so much.”

 

Shifting, he holds her eyes as he slowly keeps a languid pace. “You want this? You want … me?” Part of him still can’t believe she could truly want him.

 

“Yes! I want you more than I even knew I could,” she exclaims.

 

He makes a slight nod and gently removes his hand from her beautiful sex. Carefully, he rolls on top of her and holds her pleading eyes.

 

Taking in a deep breath, he grasps his cock and slides it along her folds, the sensation shooting up his spine. Just this, just his head not even inside her has him groaning deep in his throat. As he’d dreamed, he makes sure he’s lost in her gaze as he begins to enter her.

 

Gods, gods, gods! He can feel each ridge within her as he sinks into her as slowly as he can. But the urge to thrust into her completely is nearly overpowering. It’s as if her body, her eyes, her very heart are drawing him in.

 

As he goes deeper, her eyes widen and he stills immediately. “Are you alright?”

 

“Yes, Force, yes. Don’t stop, don’t stop!” she cries out.

 

Her words give him confidence and he finally thrusts into her completely and blinks down on her. He’s … he’s inside _Rey_.

 

All at once, he’s nearly lost to the tide of his love for her. She’s wrapped within his soul; linked in the Force. And now … now their bodies are as connected as two people can be. The incomprehensible intimacy comes for him and his eyes prick with tears.

 

“Oh, Rey … I love you, I love you,” he breathes out raggedly as he begins to move.

 

She shudders out a breath and her high little whimper makes him tremble; the energy, the _openness_ between them fills him to the brim and his eyes grow wet. Hers too have begun to glisten.

 

“I had no idea, Ben, none at all,” she whispers.

 

He can’t speak through the thick knot of feelings in his throat, so he only nods and presses into her again. She feels like home, like their bond has been given physical form. He’s not sure he can bear this to ever be over. Every single part of him clicks into place and he can’t really understand how _right_ this is.

 

Then the sheer pleasure of moving inside his love curls in his abdomen and he moans out her name. Her hands grasp at his shoulders and she wraps her legs around his waist, pulling him deeper, urging him to go faster.

 

Always eager to give her anything she wants, he speeds up his pace and he almost sees stars from the bright hot ecstasy cascading through his body; his body that was built for merging with Rey.

 

Her little pants spur him on and he tries to angle himself so his head drags along her favorite spot. She keens and her heels dig into him.

 

“Please, just like that, oh my gods, Ben, just like that!” She’s getting so loud and, Maker, he _loves_ it.

 

He, _he_ is the one inside her for the first time. _He’s_ the one giving her pleasure with his body. This, this is _his_.

 

But his orgasm is gathering quickly—he’d been so primed and needy. He tries to slow down but she actually growls when he does.

 

“Rey, I can’t, I can’t last,” he admits.

 

“I don’t care! I need you, I need to _feel_ you!” she declares, her voice almost otherworldly.

 

Then he can’t think and can’t possibly stop himself. His balls tighten and then his climax hits him so hard he bellows out, “I love you!” as his release fills her over and over again.

 

“Yes!” she cries. “Mine, you’re mine!”

 

Gasping and panting, he slows his thrusts as the last waves of pleasure move through him. “Always, always, my love.”

 

Breathing hard, he collapses on top of her, trying to hold his weight on his knees and elbows. But she pulls him close and says, “I want to feel all of you.”

 

Her arms come around him and she strokes his hair. He can feel her heart beating quickly against his chest and he frowns.

 

“I’m sorry you didn’t-”

 

She grabs his face and forces his eyes to hers. “Don’t you dare apologize! Don’t you dare! That … Ben … I …”

 

He’s shocked to see her eyes quickly fill with tears. “What is it?” he asks in alarm.

 

“I just … I love you so much and having you inside, joining like this … it’s everything I ever needed. I feel … I feel complete, Ben. I feel loved.”

 

Smiling down on her beloved face, he strokes her cheek and her hands card through his hair. “I do, too. I always knew it would be special, but …” How can he explain how this is somehow more permanent than even the Force?

 

“I know. Oh, Ben,” she sighs out and then she’s kissing him.

 

In the back of his mind he knows he still wants to see her face as she finds her own release, but for now he just loses himself in her body and her lips. He must hold onto this feeling for as long as he can.

 

He knows he won’t be able to hold onto it forever.

 

But gods, he’s going to try.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare; you're so kind to read so much of my smut! 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who came home with a big freakin' lobster on Saturday because it's my favorite. Butter induced food comas are da bomb.
> 
> Thank you Readers! First, thank you for the wonderful support about Mama Downing in the comments. You really helped bolster my spirits and I'm so grateful. Secondly, thank you so much for sticking with me through _37_ chapters to get to the smut. That is dedication. <3


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look who has a new toy? Desperate Daddy and Magnificent Mama spend the day in bed. Smut. It's just smut.

He’s floating in her eyes when he finally slips from inside her as they both make a whimper of disappointment. Though their bond has only grown stronger, the heady energy of making love for the first time is beginning to fade and his sense of inadequacy comes for him. _He_ just had the most amazing orgasm of his life and she’s been left wanting. Looking away, he rolls to his back and stares at the mined ceiling.

 

“What’s wrong?” Rey ask with a trembling voice.

 

His gaze slides briefly to hers but then moves away. “You didn’t … I didn’t give you ...”

 

She goes up on one elbow and tries to meet his eyes, but he turns his head away, still too full of shame to see his failure on her face.

 

But then her small hand clasps his chin and she’s forcing him to look at her. Instead of recrimination he finds softness in her gaze.

 

“Ben, you _did_. Or have you already forgotten how you … uhm … licked me,” she says with pink cheeks.

 

“No, of course not! I’ll never forget that for as long as I live, but I meant you didn’t … during.”

 

Her brows knit in confusion and she asks, “But why does that matter?”

 

Blinking, he stammers, “Uh … I … uhm … It just does!”

 

Rey scoffs and shakes her head. “Well I already told you that it didn’t matter to me, so I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

 

“In all the holos the woman _always_ has an orgasm,” he proclaims stubbornly.

 

Her eyebrows rise to her hairline. “You mean the _fake_ holos?”

 

His jaw works and he stays silent. She’s right, he _knows_ she is, but he can’t shake the bone-deep feeling of _failure_.

 

“Listen to me. I didn’t know I could feel so close to you, and we’re _bonded_. I just wanted to share that with you,” she says tenderly.

 

He nods, remembering how what truly mattered was how it had felt to give physical form to all of the feeling inside him; how he’d finally found a way to truly show her how much he loves her.

 

Then she’s kissing along his neck until she reaches his ear. “And you know, this just means we’ll have to try again.” She kisses his cheek. “And again.” Now she kisses his lips softly. “And _again_.” Her tongue delves into his mouth, tangling with his own, and she shifts until she’s half on top of him.

 

Her mouth fused with his pushes back his self-recrimination until all there is is _Rey_. She’s writhing against him and he smooths his hand along her delectable body until he reaches between them, finding the center of her pleasure.

 

“And I suppose there’s no reason I can’t tide you over in _other_ ways,” he growls between kisses.

 

Her only answer is a deep moan and widening her legs to give him better access.

 

\---

 

Rey is absolutely boneless in his arms. She’s never felt so _good._ As eager as she’d been to know Ben fully, she _really_ had had no idea. The feel of him inside, stretching her, entering her, _claiming_ her had awakened something new within her. There’s a marvelous ache where he’d filled her for the first time.

 

She truly hadn’t cared that he was the only one to find his bliss; it had almost felt like she _had_ when she’d watched his expression as he’d flooded her with his release. His eyes had been so wide and she’d never seen him so lost to his ecstasy. Her whole form had shuddered with shared rapture.

 

Knowing that it was her body, her love that was giving him such total surrender to pleasure had filled her soul as he’d filled her center.

 

She hadn’t been prepared for after, however. She didn’t know she’d … leak. But then it hadn’t mattered because his hand was between her thighs and he’d brought her to two quick orgasms. He really has grown extremely talented at wringing out so many delicious feelings from her.

 

Though she’s as happy as she’s ever been, she is curious about what it would feel like to come apart around him, maybe even at the same time … But she’d meant it that they would be doing this again and again. Honestly, she’s not sure how they’re ever going to leave his bed.

 

However, her stomach has other ideas and it lets out an impatient growl; they’d never had their evening meal, too caught up with _other_ needs.

 

“Damn. I completely forgot about dinner,” he says with a frown.

 

“I think you had something _else_ to eat,” she teases with a wicked smile.

 

Grinning, he responds, “Trust me, I’d happily live on you alone if I could.”

 

She looks at him suggestively. “Perhaps I should try my own _meal_.”

 

His jaw goes slack and his eyes glaze over. Her eyes flit to his rapidly hardening length and she thinks she could wait a little while longer for food. But then he shakes himself and says, “You have no idea how much I would love that, but I think I need to feed you. Actual food.” He starts to untangle himself and she whines at his loss.

 

“I don’t want to let you go.”

 

“I’m just going to the cabinet, I’ll be right back,” he promises.

 

“Well, alright,” she sighs out dramatically. “Wait, I thought … I thought you’d destroyed everything.” She winces at inadvertently reminding him of his last loss of control.

 

He stills for a moment and looks away. “I went back to the markets a few days ago. Until then I was keeping things from the mess. I never want you to be hungry when you’re here.”

 

His thoughtfulness makes her sit up and just look at him. She can’t really fathom how much effort he puts into caring for her. After years of no one ever thinking of her at all, his constancy is like bacta on an open wound she never knew was there and her eyes prick.

 

“I love you, Ben,” she says, her voice breaking.

 

His head whips towards her. “Rey, what’s wrong?”

 

Now she really is crying and she shakes her head. “Nothing, absolutely nothing. Everything is perfect.”

 

He’s already back at her side, his arm around her. “Then why are you crying?” he asks with real concern.

 

“Because, because of _you_.”

 

“ _Me_?” he gasps.

 

“No! Not like that. I mean … you think about me so much. No one has ever paid so much attention to me before, and I still can’t believe how … how much you _care_.”

 

“Oh, Rey … don’t you know that caring for you makes me happier than almost anything else?”

 

Grinning through her tears she teases, “I think I know what makes you happiest _now_.”

 

His cheeks darken and he clears his throat. “Well, you aren’t wrong about that.” Then he cups her face and holds her gaze. “I’ve told you before. I will always take care of you, as much as you’ll let me.”

 

Smiling softly, she says, “I never thought I’d even know how to let someone do things for me, but … with you ...“ She shrugs slightly. “It just makes me feel so treasured.”

 

“You _are_ treasured. Nothing is more precious to me than my twin stars.”

 

“Thank you,” she says with another watery smile.

 

He places his hand on her womb and rubs a circle there. “Now, time to feed _both_ of you.”

 

\---

 

Once again, Ben has managed to find amazing delicacies that make her moan in satisfaction. Of course … she _might_ make sure to use her tongue more than she needs to when she eats. She can’t help how much she enjoys watching him swallow thickly and shift uncomfortably.

 

This time, however, she was treated to the marvelous view of watching him prepare their meal in the nude and she was almost disappointed when he brought their food back to bed. That was until he placed the tart fruit on her tongue.

 

Now he has her wrapped in his arms, nestled between his legs as he feeds her. She really should move away, feed herself, but there’s something so decadent about letting him look after her like this. It also doesn’t hurt that she keeps feeling him grow harder and harder against the small of her back.

 

She sucks on his fingers quite a bit longer than necessary, loving how he throbs and twitches against her and she decides she’s had quite enough to eat. Turning in his arms, she takes the plate from his hands and sets it on his bedside table. She shifts until she can reach his mouth and finds his lips, reveling in how plush his mouth is and the lingering taste of fruit on his tongue.

 

“I take it you’ve had enough to eat,” he murmurs against her mouth.

 

“Mmmhmm.”

 

He makes a show of looking at the chrono and lets out a mock yawn. “Well then, we should get some sleep.”

 

Deciding to call his bluff she shrugs and says, “Oh, well if you’re tired that’s fine.”

 

He actually pouts and she can’t help the giggle that erupts from her. Throwing her arms around him, she turns completely in his embrace and pushes him until he’s lying on his back. She straddles him and makes sure to situate herself along his beautiful cock. His gasp of surprise shivers up her spine _exquisitely_.  

 

Already wet, it’s easy to drag herself up his length and he lets out a strangled sound. “Not so tired?” she quips with a quirked brow.

 

His hands grasp her thighs and he encourages her to keep moving. “N-no, not even a little bit. I’m still _hungry_ ,” his deep voice rumbles.

 

“Oh yeah?” She slides along him until she’s just at his head and backs up ever so slightly, using her hand to place him right at her entrance.

 

His back arches as he tries to thrust home, but she keeps just his tip just inside her, smirking down on him.

 

“Gods, Rey,” he gasps out. “You’ve been teasing me for so long.”

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was just enjoying dinner,” she says airily.

 

“Uh huh,” he remarks skeptically. “I’m sure you just _had_ to wiggle like that in order to _eat_.”

 

“Wiggle?” she asks as she slides down another inch, giving her hips a roll.

 

“Force!” he cries out.

 

“Oh no, Ben, this is _all_ me.” Then she sinks down on him in one swift movement and he lifts her from the bed as his whole body bows up under her. He’s swearing and babbling as she starts to ride him.

 

“I love how you feel inside me,” she croons.

 

“I didn’t-” he groans loudly, “know you could feel any-” Now she takes him as deeply as she can. “B-better! Rey!”

 

He’s panting harshly as she picks up her pace. Grinding down on the base of his cock with each stroke she starts to cry out, too, liquid heat coiling in her core. He’s right, this position feels amazing!

 

Each time she slams down on him, a wave of pleasure overtakes her, then only grows more intense as she drags her walls along his hardness. This angle has her orgasm building fast and she just has to have more, more, more of him. She wants to pull him so deep inside her he never leaves.

 

Her nails dig into his chest and they lock eyes. She loves how dark they become when he’s lost to his lust, lust for _her_.

 

But there’s so much more in his eyes, awe, devotion, and above all else the connection she’s felt since she first saw his face. Her chest swells and she feels as if her very being has grown beyond her body, enveloping him, dancing with his own spirit.

 

All there is now is heat and sublime ecstasy, tremulous joy weaving them together ever more deeply. How much closer can she possibly feel to this man?

 

His hands hold her hips firmly as he takes over, pounding up into her at a merciless pace, frantic, desperate need coursing through their bond. So close, so close.

 

Ben’s dark, warm eyes are almost black and his passionate bellows twine with her keening, giving voice to the divine rapture pulsing and growing deep inside. Then his eyes go round and the transcendent tension, so taut between them, breaks over her and her inflamed walls clench down on him as he moves within her so perfectly. Being filled with _him_ as she crests then falls beautifully is beyond her capacity to fathom and she loses the ability to think, so adrift in joining with Ben.

 

He calls out her name and slams into her one last time, just as the last wave of her release moves through her deliciously. She can feel hot ropes of his spend filling her and something about having part of him remain inside makes her feel _whole_.

 

It’s her turn to collapse on him and his arms immediately hold her close, so close as he kisses her soundly. He’s still pulsing within her and she wants to stay like this forever. This, this is what is between them given free rein.

 

Finally he stops kissing her and holds her eyes, a tender, loving expression on his face. “Oh, Rey …” he sighs out.

 

“I love the way you say my name,” she admits.

 

“I wish I had the words to tell you what this, what _you_ mean to me. But all I can say is your name because it’s you—you’re magic.”

 

Smiling a bit sheepishly she shakes her head. “No, what’s between us is magic.”

 

“Oh, no … it’s you. You, always you.” Then he’s kissing her again and she decides not to argue the point any further.

 

\---

 

In the small hours of the morning, they finally give into exhaustion, completely tangled with each other.

 

\---

 

Ben wakes slowly, his body relaxed and sore in muscles he didn’t even know he had. Stretching carefully, the ache is a marvelous reminder of what he and Rey had shared the night before. He settles his hand on Rey’s rounded belly and sighs with a new kind of contentment.

 

Somehow, now that he’s made love to Rey, he feels more at peace, as if they’d finally closed an essential circuit. Her carrying his child without knowing her in this way had felt … discordant. Now he knows what it would have been like to hold her eyes and plant a child within her. It’s as if everything has slid into its right place.

 

As Rey begins to wake up, he wonders if she’s sore, too. In fact … she might be much worse off than him now that he thinks about it. They hadn’t exactly given her any time to recover, taking and giving as often as his body would allow. The thought makes him frown; he doesn’t like the idea that he’s hurt her in any way.

 

Before she even speaks, she’s snuggling into him further, making little noises of happiness. But now that he’s had the idea, he keeps worrying at it.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Uh huh,” she answers blearily.

 

“Are you … are you okay?”

 

She peers up at him with one eye open. “Of course I am. I’m wonderful. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“I just … well, we were rather … active last night. I just … are you in pain?”

 

Now both eyes are open and she cocks her head. “A bit, but it’s a good feeling. I like knowing you were there,” she says playfully. “In fact,” she purrs, walking her fingers up his chest, “We both have today off …we have plenty of time before we need to go to breakfast.”

 

_That_ perks him up and he rolls to his side, shifting Rey to her back. “Well, I believe I do need _something_ to start the day,” he growls as he starts to kiss between her breasts.

 

Her thighs are quivering with anticipation when he dives his face between her plump folds.

 

\---

 

“Should we get dressed and go to the mess?” Rey asks, knowing exactly how she wants him to answer.

 

“I suppose we could … though I still have plenty of food here …” he responds, his eyes burning with promise.

 

“Well, it would be such a shame to let it go to waste …”

 

“And it would be _such a shame_ for you to have to put on clothes.”

 

His grin makes her heart swoop as he pounces on her.

 

\---

 

“I wish we could stay in bed all day,” Rey says with regret.

 

“Why can’t we?” he asks, feigning ignorance. If he’s very, very lucky she’ll agree to missing dinner with his mother. And Chewie.

 

Rey looks at him and scoffs. “Oh no, you aren’t getting out of tonight.”

 

“Maybe I just have to keep giving you orgasms until you forget all about my _mom_.”

 

“Nice try, Solo,” she smirks.

 

Ben slides his hand between her legs and starts to rub soft circles along her already hardening nub. “Just imagine what we could do with all that time,” he murmurs into her ear.

 

She makes an absolutely filthy moan and he grins hopefully.

 

“You don’t play fair,” she whines as her hips start to move against his fingers.

 

Enjoying how delectably slick she’s become, he keeps working her as he moves to cover her body with his.

 

Just as he enters her, he croons, “No, I really, really don’t.”

 

\---

 

“What?!” he hisses in annoyance as Rey shakes him awake.

 

“Come on, we have to shower. We’re supposed to be to Leia’s quarters in half an hour.”

 

Ben turns over and buries his face in the pillow. He’s not sure he can think of something he wants to do less than get ready for what’s going to be a deeply painful night. He’d been able to lose himself in Rey’s perfect body for the entire day and the last thing he wants to see is her hiding away her gorgeous form under _clothes_.

 

But then he’s being pulled out of bed with the Force and he squawks loudly as he finds himself sprawled out on the floor.

 

“Hey!” he protests.

 

“We have to shower, _now_. There’s no way I’m going to face Leia looking like this,” she exclaims as she points to her hair. He snickers at her ravished state. It’s obvious that Rey has been well and truly … looked after. Pride wells up inside him and he smiles smugly.

 

“Don’t you look pleased with yourself.”

 

“Should I not be?” he asks with a raised brow.

 

Then he loses the thread of conversation as his eyes are riveted to how Rey’s bottom sways as she walks to his ‘fresher. Looking over her shoulder, she calls out, “Besides, nothing says we’re done _yet_.”

 

He scrambles up off of the floor and almost trips over his feet in his rush to follow her.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I want to give everyone an update on the Reylo Reception at Star Wars Celebration. It's going to be on Saturday, April 13 at 5:00 at the Fatpour Tap Works McCormick. There will be food (including space cupcakes), wine/beer/sodas, and party favors. I'm covering it, so no need to add to your Celebration budget. Please RSVP here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/2BNQW8J
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare! It's so good to be working with you again! *blows kisses*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who made sure to get dinner from my favorite restaurant for when I got home from helping Mama Downing. They've rescheduled her surgery twice now, so I'm going back next week.
> 
> Thank you Readers! I'm sorry I haven't been able to write much with all the chaos of Mama Downing's illness, but her prognosis is good so life should return to normal in a few weeks. I'm always so very grateful that you continue to read, kudo, and comment. *great big thankful hug*


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Muse sits back smugly* Desperate Daddy buys a first class ticket for the Pain Train. Buckle up!

“Oh no,” Leia says as Chewie goes to refill her drink with his stiff concoction. “I had the worst headache last time I let you ply me with liquor.”

 

Chewie just snickers and pours his favored drink into his glass. He’s been drinking more than usual and Leia worries at her lip. She thinks the wookiee might be suffering even more than she is and she knows that—though he would never share it with her—he’s _nervous_ about tonight.

 

And, frankly, so is she. This may have been her idea, but that doesn’t mean she’s eager to rip open the wounds of her family. She’s found a way to spend time with her son without constantly imagining his gruesome saber taking her husband’s life, but she always cries herself to sleep after he comes for dinner.

 

Spending time with him outside of her role as his general is always painful, but full of joy and promise as well. The way he smiles when he speaks of his child gives her so much hope; he’s like he was as a boy—excited and open. If he can continue to keep that terrifying temper in check he’s going to be an excellent father.

 

Then there’s Rey. He’s so beautifully soft with her. She can always tell when he’s thinking of her, his expression grows so tender. As much as she loved Han, she knows she never let herself fall as completely as Ben has, too afraid to give over that much power.

 

After years with the First Order, it’s a bit shocking that he has willingly handed his heart to this broken, amazing young woman. She snorts to herself. Her boy had been utterly lost well before he came to Shenden. It frightens her a bit, how desperate he is for Rey.

 

Chewie cocks his head and looks at her with curiosity. She just shakes her head and says, “It’s nothing … just thinking about Ben … and Rey.”

 

“Boy still stupid,” he howls.

 

“He gets it from his father,” Leia pokes back.

 

The wookiee chortles. “Thought I’d have to stuff Friend and Princess into escape pod. Gets it from Princess, too.”

 

“Hey!” Leia exclaims with mock offense and Chewie just keeps laughing to himself.

 

She smiles and looks at the time. Ben and Rey are quite late and her heart sinks as she realizes he’s likely decided not to come. All day the Force has almost been crackling, her senses on high alert. She’d assumed it was his tempestuous feelings so she’s not really surprised.

 

It’s not that she doesn’t understand. Chewie doesn’t pull his punches and in this particular case she’s not sure the distance can be broached.

 

\---

 

Rey nearly drags him along the corridors as she races to this infernal dinner. He doesn’t see the point of rushing; they’re already terribly late. Hmm … “You know, perhaps we should reschedule, we’re already so la-”

 

“Uh uh, no way. We’re going.”

 

“It’s going to be so … uncomfortable.” And painful. Not to mention the paralyzing remorse that’s always with him, beating at his walls, howling to get in.

 

She finally slows and looks up at him. “I know … but delaying it to another night won’t make it any better.”

 

“But we do have far _better_ ways to spend our time,” he leers.

 

Adorable pink spots appear on her cheeks. “Well, yes, but this is important to me.”

 

“Why?” he whines. “I didn’t think you’d be so excited to see just how quickly a wookiee can pull a man’s arms off.”

 

Rey glares at him, but pain ghosts through her eyes. “First of all, Chewie isn’t going to lay a paw on you. Besides … that’s not it.”

 

Now there’s real anguish lining her beautiful face and he stops them. “What is it?”

 

Her gaze slides away and she looks at the floor.

 

“I’ve just been looking forward to this, that’s all.”

 

“Oh yes, Skywalker family drama is so _thrilling_ ,” he spits with asperity.

 

The immediate flash of anger in her eyes pulls him up short, but before he can ask her to explain she’s already speaking.

 

“Did it ever occur to you that spending time with family might _mean_ something to me?”

 

Blinking rapidly, it takes him a moment to catch up. Then he grimaces. Of course. Family. He wants to say the right thing but his mind is frustratingly blank.

 

“ _I_ never had family dinners. I don’t care if it’s just everyone screaming. All week Leia has been checking with me every day to make sure I’m coming. Not you. Me. For the first time in my life someone wants me to be part of a _family_.”

 

That rankles him. “Rey, _we_ are a family.”

 

She purses her lips. “You don’t understand. You’ve always had a mother … Leia says that I’m her family now. Hers. She makes me feel like I always imagined what having a mother would feel like.”

 

Ben sighs, long and slow, and he takes her hands in his. “I’m sorry … I’ve been so caught up in what tonight likely means for me that I didn’t even stop to think what it would mean for _you_.”

 

She nods slightly, and then she’s looking into his eyes, her face pleading. “Please … it would mean so much to me if you and Chewie could make some kind of peace. I know he wants to, he just doesn’t know how.”

 

He bites back that he doesn’t know how to either and just nods. Her brilliant smile makes him want to face what’s coming. Deep down he knows he has to, and putting it off won’t make it any less painful.

 

Hand in hand, they again start walking towards his mother’s quarters.

 

\---

 

Leia takes one look at her son and Rey and an altogether too knowing expression crosses her face. Smirking, she says, “So _that’s_ what was going on with the Force today.”

 

Great. Just great. Is his mother always going to know when he makes love to Rey? His expression turns sour and Rey looks up at him in confusion.

 

“I didn’t feel anything …” Rey says with a questioning tone.

 

The gleeful look on Leia’s face has him instantly on alert. “Mother,” he exclaims warningly.

 

Looking like she’s going to burst, Leia blurts out, “Then I clearly have to have a conversation with my son about-”

 

“Mother!” Ben snaps.

 

Rey looks at him sharply and he just groans, covering his eyes with his hand. At least Chewie isn’t here yet.

 

At that exact moment, the wookiee comes into the sitting room and he looks at Rey’s perplexed face and Leia trying to stifle her laughter. Chewie pointedly doesn’t look at Ben and Ben isn’t sure if he’s relieved or hurt. What a mess.

 

But then Chewie looks right at him and his eyes narrow. His long arm shoots out and his paw wraps around Ben’s throat so fast he doesn’t have a chance to react.

 

“Before you’re mated?” he roars.

 

Ben could defend himself; even with his raw strength, Chewie is no match for the Force. But the wookiee is letting him breathe, so he decides to wait. As Ben is considering his options, Rey and Leia both run up to Chewie and start pulling at his shaggy fur.

 

“Please, let him go!” Rey shouts.

 

At the same time Leia exclaims, “For Maker’s sake, don’t be so old-fashioned!”

 

Ben calmly waits, noting how loose Chewie’s hold is around his neck. The wise, old eyes of his father’s best friend show conflict while Rey keeps pleading.

 

After a tense moment Chewie growls and releases him. Rubbing his neck, Ben says to Chewie’s rigid form, “If I thought she’d have said yes I would have asked her. But it doesn’t really matter if we’re married or not. I’m never leaving her. Her or my daughter.”

 

Rey’s startled, vaguely panicked expression makes his stomach sink. He knew she wouldn’t have wanted that.

 

Then his beautiful love cocks her head and she looks from Leia to Chewie and then to Ben. “Wait, are you telling me that they … uhm … know?”

 

Ben can only nod and Rey’s cheeks turn bright pink while Leia drags Chewie into the other room.

 

\---

 

“What the hell was that?” Leia yells once she slams to door between the sitting room and her office shut. Chewie didn’t give a twyla’s ass about her and Han sealing the deal before they married.

 

“Boy disrespected Little One!” he snarls. “Already carrying his pup!”

 

“Oh my gods, Chewie. What does it matter? He’s obviously not going anywhere. The man is completely besotted with her. And, as you said, she’s already pregnant! Who in the galaxy cares what they get up to when they’re alone?”

 

Chewie goes to the wall and leans his forehead against it. “Don’t trust Boy,” he howls mournfully.

 

“Then why did you help nudge them together in the first place?” Leia asks in exasperation. Chewie is usually straightforward but right now he’s not making much sense. You’d think they were living back in the Old Republic.

 

There’s a long, thick silence and Leia can barely hear her friend when he finally growls lowly, “Still love Boy. Hurt to see Friend’s son make same mistakes.”

 

Leia’s eyes shut briefly. “He’s still our Ben … I know he’s done something unforgivable, but if you still love him … Can you try, try to find a way through this?”

 

“Here aren’t I?” he grumbles.

 

“Chewie,” Leia says softly.

 

He lets out a long, frustrated howl and gruffly pats Leia’s head. “For Princess.”

 

She smiles up into his soulful brown eyes and says, “I’ll take it.”

 

\---

 

“Are you alright?” Rey asks quickly, a panicked quality to her voice. She hadn’t thought things would get violent. At least not so quickly.

 

“I’m fine. He didn’t put any real muscle into it. He just wanted to make the point.” His expression is flat but Rey can sense just how shaken he is.

 

“Was he really upset that we … uhm …” She’s not sure how she feels about some of those closest to her being so aware of this shift between her and Ben. It’s … private. Special.

 

“I don’t think so. I think he just wanted to make sure I understood that he’ll rip me to shreds if I hurt you.”

 

His rueful tone makes Rey’s shoulders relax. Ben could have easily used this as an excuse to leave. But then his eyes fill with something like fear.

 

“About what Chewie said … about us not being married-”

 

“Let’s talk about that later,” Rey rushes to say. It shouldn’t matter to her, she knows Ben will always be in her life. Besides, she’s not sure why it really makes a difference. On Jakku you just moved your bed roll into your partner’s home and that was that.

 

But she only has a vague idea of what marriage even means to Ben and they’ve only just become fully physical with each other. There is way too much going on with Chewie to even begin this conversation right now.

 

Hurt twists his features and he looks away, nodding to himself. Dammit. It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk about it … just not yet.

 

“Ben, I-”

 

Leia picks that exact moment to come back into the sitting room. “Let’s have dinner!” she exclaims with an overly bright tone, gesturing to the elaborately set table. Rey nervously eyes all the utensils, having no idea what most of them are even for.

 

Chewie looms behind Leia and the tension in the room is thick and uncomfortable. But this is her family and Rey is determined to mend it. She loves Chewie. She loves Leia. And Ben … well he’s essential to her, and she’d never found something she couldn't’ fix.

 

Deciding to start with Chewie, she crosses to him and places her hand on his arm. “It’s nice to see you. You don’t leave the _Falcon_ often.”

 

He shrugs and howls, “Feels like leaving Friend. Now that Friend is _dead._ ”

 

Rey feels Ben wince through the Force and glances over to him. He’s rubbing his chest and looking at the floor.

 

Frowning, Rey steps close to Chewie so that only he can hear her. “If you hate him so much, why were you willing to take me to the _Supremacy_?” she asks keenly.

 

Chewie’s eyes shift away and he mumbles, “Don’t hate him.”

 

“Then … do you think you could maybe not talk about Han tonight? He’s … he’s not ready.”

 

The wookiee looks up for a moment and nods a small nod.

 

“Thank you,” Rey says softly.

 

\---

 

Every time his eyes land on Chewie as they sit around his mother’s table he feels like he’s back on that nightmare bridge bathed in blood and darkness. Now that he’s free of Snoke’s manipulation, he can’t really even understand how he could have done what he did. He killed Han Solo. He killed his father. He killed his _dad_.

 

He’s desperate to tell the wookiee who used to carry him on his shoulders how sorry he is, how he’d do anything to take it back … but it just feels totally inadequate and selfish. There can be no forgiveness for his sins. He knows that. The best he can hope for is some kind of atonement.

 

His mother had clearly been incredibly anxious about this dinner. The table is laid out with her Alderaanian china and she’d obviously even cooked a few of the dishes herself. Under _any_ other circumstance he’d enjoy the nostalgia of her cooking; he’d always loved her roasted nerf.

 

Rey and Leia are keeping the conversation going, but he’s not really even paying attention. He can barely taste his food and he just feels numb. Ben knows he should make more of an effort, but all he can seem to do is mechanically shovel food into his mouth and try to keep from looking at Chewie.

 

“Ben?” Rey says, tapping him on the shoulder. Her tone is impatient. “Ben!”

 

“What?” he responds with annoyance.

 

“I’ve been trying to get your attention.”

 

Her dismayed face fills him with guilt. “Right. Sorry. What do you need?” he asks in a much more gentle tone.

 

“I can feel her!” she says through a huge grin.

 

“What? Really?” All his maudlin thoughts melt away as he turns swiftly in his chair, placing his hand over her womb.

 

Leia smiles indulgently and says, “I’m afraid it will be a while yet before you’ll feel anything, Ben.”

 

“Oh.” He tries to keep the disappointment from his voice. “What can you feel?”

 

“It’s like a little flutter. And she’s so happy!” Rey is quivering with excitement.

 

Hang on. How does Rey know she’s happy? In fact, he’s not felt much from the baby recently. Ben turns his head to the side. “Wait. She’s awake?”

 

“Oh yes, she’s very proud of herself right now,” Rey beams.

 

“But … why can’t I feel her?”

 

Panic flares in Rey’s eyes. “Uhm … I … I figured out how to shield her.”

 

Suddenly their bond is filled with Little Star’s approximation of laughter and he gasps at the sheer joy bubbling up from his daughter.

 

_Papa!_

 

Ben can’t help but smile, but there’s a furtiveness to Rey … why didn’t she tell him?

 

He spends a few moments ‘playing’ with Little Star, but he can’t shake the ache in his chest. Not only did Rey not tell him, but she’s been keeping their baby from him.

 

His mother and Rey are enthusiastically talking about the pregnancy and he feels like he’s watching them through glass; when did Rey become so much more comfortable with his mother than he is?

 

Looking at her for a long time, hoping to catch her eyes, he finally huffs out a frustrated sound. Obviously she’s not going to volunteer anything. “Rey … why didn’t you tell me you’d learned to shield her?”

 

She shrugs and obviously avoids his gaze.

 

He takes a long sip of water, trying to keep himself from overreacting. They’d just spent _hours_ immersed in each other, it’s not like she didn’t have the opportunity to tell him.

 

Deciding to try again, he asks, “How did you learn it?”

 

“One of the Jedi texts,” she mumbles, waves of guilt coming off of her.

 

His eyes narrow as he looks at her. There’s something more going on here; Rey is closed off tightly and she’s again shielded Little Star.

 

“Okay … but I still don’t know why you didn’t tell me. Didn’t you think I’d like to read it, too?”

 

She shrugs again and his patience is wearing very thin. His stomach roils with apprehension and he tries to keep from drawing conclusions.

 

His mother leans forward with a hand stretched out in placation. “Son-”

 

“Stay out of this,” Ben growls at his mother. He ignores the pain that shadows her expression.

 

_Now_ Rey looks him straight in the eyes. “Don’t talk to Leia like that!”

 

“Oh no, you’re not changing the subject. What’s going on? What are you hiding?” he asks with his voice rising. Sickening terror gets its claws into him. What _else_ is she keeping from him?

 

“We’ll talk about it later!” she lets out in a defiant voice.

 

“No! We’re going to talk about it now!” he nearly bellows as Rey shrinks back. But then fire ignites in her eyes and she’s on her feet.

 

“This! This is why I didn’t tell you! Luke told me where to look-” Then her eyes go wide and she slaps her hand over her mouth.

 

Now he’s on his feet, too. “Luke! You’ve been talking to _Luke_?” he snarls. How could she? She _knows_ what he did. Of course that hubristic old man would haunt him even after he was dead.

 

If she’d talk to Luke, what _else_ would she do? Luke pushed him into Snoke’s waiting machinations. Luke betrayed him like no one else ever has. And he was so damned smug out on the salt fields of Crait, acting every bit the superior Jedi Master.

 

And Rey has been sharing his secrets with him. Oh gods, has it all been a lie? It was years before he understood what Snoke was doing to him. Would he even notice if it was happening again?

 

No, Rey … Rey wouldn’t do that. She couldn’t. He wouldn’t survive it.

 

Yet … why does she seem so _guilty_?

 

“It’s not like that, I swear! He just showed up after one of your episodes, he was trying to help!”

 

“Help? Help!? I don’t want his help!” Ben yells.  

 

Force, he _despises_ that man and he and Rey have been sneaking around, plotting. Trying to keep him from his Little Star. Is she planning to leave him? Keep him out so she can take away his daughter? Has he been blind again?

 

The voice inside him that keeps him calm is all but silenced and his head is filled with how everything is always taken from him. His parents took away their love. Luke took away his safety. Snoke took away almost everything else. Now Rey is going to take away his _child_.

 

He never should have trusted her. Everyone always, always betrays him. Why does he never learn?

 

It’s all too much and he roars, grabbing the table and flipping it over. The room is filled with the cacophony of shattering dinnerware.

 

Rey and his mother scream and he knows he’s lost control again, but he’s just too damned hurt. Rey has betrayed him, just like she did on the _Supremacy_. With a wave of the Force he splits the table in two.

 

“Ben! Stop!” his mother yells.

 

“You lost the right to tell me what to do years ago, _Leia_ ,” he snarls.

 

“Stop treating her like this! She’s your mother!” Rey pleads, pulling at his arm.

 

He wavers for just a moment, Rey’s anguished eyes calling to him, but then he remembers that she’s been working with _Luke_ and all he sees is red.

 

"What would _you_ know about it? You don't even _have_ a mother!" Ben screams.

 

Rey rears back from him as if he’d hit her and he feels two large paws grab him by the biceps and lift him from the floor. Before he’s really caught up, Chewie has him in his mother’s office and forcefully shoves him into a chair.

 

Ben tries to get up and Chewie pushes him back again. “Stay!” he howls.

 

“Let me go!” Ben bellows.

 

“No. Sit. Time we talked.”

 

“Talk? Talk! Rey has been lying to me-” Then he can’t speak over Chewie’s furry palm. He struggles and almost uses the Force, but what’s left of his reason tells him not too.

 

He feels like his heart is breaking. Rey, his precious, beautiful Rey has completely betrayed him. How could she go to Luke instead of him? They could have worked on this together. How could she?

 

How could she?

 

He slumps listlessly in the chair and Chewie removes his paw.

 

“Ready to listen, Boy?”

 

Ben nods miserably. Everything has gone to hell, why not face that he murdered his own father, too?

 

“Little One loves you,” Chewie howls.

 

He only snorts contemptuously. He _thought_ she loved him.

 

“Stupid, stupid Boy,” Chewie snarls. “Little One _loves you_.”

 

“Then why would she betray me like that, talk to _Luke_ , shield my own child from me?” he bursts out, leaning forward in the chair.

 

Chewie looks at him and rolls his eyes. “Boy scares her.”

 

“What? I would never hurt her!” Ben argues. Not like she’s hurt him.

 

Silently, Chewie goes to the door to the other room and opens it. He’s immediately hit with the sound of Rey weeping. Oh gods, she’s crying so hard that she’s choking on her sobs. Ben jumps up and makes a beeline for the door only to have it shut in his face and Chewie push him back. Again.

 

“Stop it! I have to go to her!”

 

“Thought she betrayed you,” Chewie points out.

 

“I … I … “ All of the sudden everything comes into focus and he sees precisely what he did.

 

_What would_ you _know about it? You don't even_ have _a mother!_

 

Shame, thick, ugly shame, claws up his throat and he swallows back bile. Once again he’d just let himself become completely irrational and now Rey is sobbing uncontrollably in the other room. Because of him.

 

“Boy sees. Never have been stable, but now Boy has to be. Little One protecting baby. Protecting baby from _Boy_.”

 

Ben falls into the chair and hides his head in his hands.

 

Rey is right to protect Little Star from him.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *obligatory reminder* I have a firm Happily Ever After policy.
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare. You really knocked it out of the park this chapter. Thank you so much. And thank you for coming up with that gut punch of a line. You don't say that to an orphan, Desperate Daddy!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who came home with three skeins of the most beautiful silk yarn because he noticed I hadn't been knitting much and thought perhaps I missed it. He was right and it's been so soothing. It was great to have while with Mama Downing at the hospital. 
> 
> Thank you Readers! I know this was a painful chapter, but our boy has some serious growing up to do and they've been in denial for far too long. Time to do the work, Ben. Also, thank you for your marvelous support during this difficult time with Mama Downing. She's healing very well and the doctor says she doesn't need any further treatment! I so appreciate that you're still here through all my drama. *blows kisses*
> 
> CELEBRATION REYLO RECEPTION: If you haven't had a chance to RSVP, please drop me a line at pdowning@zandalee.com. I can't wait to meet people!


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ben Solo Pain Train keeps on chugging up Angst Mountain as Mad Mama and Desperate Daddy deal with the fallout from the Family Dinner From Hell.

His words wrap around her and steal away all the joy she’s found with him. She can’t catch her breath, the tears come too fast and hard. If only she could find her anger, she could make her way through this heart-rending pain. But all she can remember is his horrible words. His face twisting with vicious mockery. She’d let herself _believe_ he’d never try to hurt her. She’d let him _in._

 

How could she have forgotten that he’d told her she was _nothing_?

 

Because he’s revealed how he really feels about her. A stupid orphan that nobody wanted. The way he’d held her eyes as he’d made love to her burns away to ash, leaving only searing pain.

 

Leia holds her closely, having wrapped her arms around Rey as soon as she’d gone to her knees once Chewie had taken Ben into the other room. She can’t really understand Leia’s words, but her soothing tone helps, somehow. It feels like one of her scant memories of her parents, the fleeting sensation of comforting safety.

 

Because Ben was right. She doesn’t have a mother.

 

Yet … she did, once, and the years of crushing loneliness only reinforces her belief that Ben is so much more fortunate than he knows. He has family who love him, who wanted to help him and he just keeps throwing it away.

 

And now she feels like he’s thrown her away, too.

 

What more could she have expected? She grew up around discarded, forgotten remnants. Trash. It fits, she supposes. She’s trash. Nothing, just like he’d said.

 

But wait … she survived her own parents choosing drink over her, selling her into slavery, leaving their own child to eke out a life among the sandfields of Jakku. She _survived_. She can survive Ben Solo.

 

Ben Solo … or is it Kylo Ren? Perhaps she was too quick to call him ‘Ben’. If this had been Kylo Ren then maybe there’s still hope? Shaking herself—her lifetime of pressing through the worst of suffering and humiliations giving her back her strength—she realizes it doesn’t matter. Ben, Kylo … they are the same man. Just a man. A man she won’t let hurt her anymore.

 

Finally, she’s able to take a steady breath and her tears slow.

 

“That’s it, shhhh, shhhh,” Leia murmurs. “I’ve got you, you’re safe.”

 

She wants to believe her, but she feels so raw and exposed. Ben had torn away so much in his rage and cruelty. Had he truly said that to her? It’s like he wasn’t even there, replaced by some snarling beast that only wants to destroy.

 

Letting out a shuddering sigh, she places both her hands over her belly, impossibly grateful that she’d been able to keep her daughter safe from Ben’s shattering temper. Because he proved tonight, without a doubt, that he _will_ hurt their baby. He’d not even managed to go a month without losing complete control of himself.

 

What would that destructive rage do to a child? Rey knows what it is to be abandoned, to be ridiculed, to be so hungry she feels like she’d been folding in on herself. But she hadn’t known, not until Ben, what it felt like to have the one person you trust to care for you _turn_ on you. Now she does. Now she knows how it feels to see eyes once full of love filled with scorn.

 

She can’t trust him. She _won’t_ trust him. Not ever again.

 

Leia has continued to croon comforting nonsense, but then she says, “I know he didn’t mean it.”

 

And there it is, _there_ is her anger. She’s done making excuses for her bond mate. “I don’t _care_ if he meant it or not! If he loved me he’d never be able to _hurt_ me like this,” Rey hisses.

 

Leia’s silence makes Rey look at her. She finds eyes full of so much anguish and conflict. Then Leia’s shoulders drop and the air of defeat around this strong, vibrant woman shakes Rey.

 

“I … I know he _does_ love you. But … you’re right. He crossed a line tonight.”

 

Rey nods and begins to pull away, getting to her feet, not sure if she can believe that he ever loved her. Rey might not really know what being loved feels like but she knows it shouldn’t feel like _this_.

 

She reaches down and helps Leia stand, knowing that Ben’s mother has to believe in him. The alternative would finally break the general.

 

It strikes Rey that she hadn’t noticed how slowly Leia has been moving and she frowns. She’s only just found the belonging that Leia offers and the realization that it could be snatched away is terrifying. Pushing the thought away swiftly, Rey wipes her face with her arm, trying to erase the powerlessness Ben inspires.

 

Leia looks up into Rey’s face and asks, “What do you need?”

 

“I don’t know,” Rey answers hollowly. Her instinct is to run, far away, hide herself and tend to her broken heart by herself—like she always has.

 

“Well, I don’t know how long he and Chewie will stay in my office—are you ready to talk to him?”

 

Pure fear explodes in Rey’s chest. She can’t see him, not yet. Maybe not ever. Even though her desire is to be alone where no one can find her, that’s not fair to Little Star. Little Star … his name for their baby …

 

Oh gods, he always says it with such reverence, his eyes impossibly full of warmth and hope. For a moment she’s pulled into the memory of how it feels when they ‘play’. Ben loves this life growing within her; she knows that, even if she can’t believe in his love for her any longer. But that love for Little Star isn’t even enough to stop him when he loses control.

 

It hurts. It hurts too much. Bury it, bury it in the sands and keep going. Hide away her vulnerability. She’s only ever been safe in solitude.  

 

No. No! She won’t consign her child to the dismal, isolated life she herself had. No, her daughter will be raised with Finn’s warmth, Rose’s fierce protectiveness, Chewie’s loyalty, and Leia’s immense heart. She’s not sure where or _if_ Ben will fit into that.

 

But what can she do? His quarters are right next to hers … If she had to see him, be it his beseeching eyes or his violent fury, it would wreck her as surely as a sandstorm. All she can do is be honest with Leia and hope.

 

“No, I don’t want to talk to him.” Her voice shakes but she stands tall.

 

A grim expression pulls Leia’s lips into a thin line. “Then I’d better move your quarters.” She pulls out her comm and begins to make arrangements.

 

Rey just stares at nothing and keeps rubbing her belly.

 

\---

 

“I understand; I see,” Ben promises firmly to Chewie.

 

“Good,” the wookie howls shortly.

 

Ben eyes Chewie’s massive form and slowly gets to his feet. He has to talk to Rey, to tell her how sorry he is, how he never should have said that to her, that he never, ever meant to hurt her. He starts to move towards the door but Chewie blocks him—a solid wall of fur and muscle.

 

“Please, I have to go to her, I have to fix this,” Ben pleads.

 

“Boy needs to fix Boy first. Went too far. Words meaningless.”

 

 “I know I can’t take it back, but I have to try!” His hands fist in frustration and he tries to step around Chewie.

 

Chewie snarls and moves to keep him from reaching the door.

 

“Dammit, Uncle Chewie, just let me pass!”

 

Bright pain blooms in Chewie’s eyes and Ben realizes what he’s said. Uncle … “I … I …”

 

They just stand there, staring at each other as Ben desperately tries to find the words to cross the distance he cut through their history with his brutal, unforgivable act and he wonders if he’s meant to destroy everyone he’s ever loved.

 

Neither of them speak and Chewie’s eyes swim with a fundamental pain. If only Ben could find a way to share how deeply he comprehends that killing his father was wrong, explain how his mind had been so twisted.

 

He opens his mouth to at least try, but then his heart stutters in his chest as the door eases open. For one hopeful moment he thinks Rey has come to him, but instead his mother’s resigned face appears. She won’t look at him, which is more than fair.

 

“Chewie, would you please take Rey to her new quarters? I don’t think she should be alone right now.”

 

“I need to talk with her,” Ben begs. Wait. New quarters?

 

Slowly, Leia’s blank eyes slide over his face but she still won’t meet his gaze. A shiver runs up his spine at the hardness he finds in her expression. “No.”

 

“Please, I never should have said that, I didn’t mean it. I have to tell her that I’m sorry, that I love her, so, so much!”

 

Chewie growls lowly and Leia only shakes her head.

 

“A few minutes, that’s all I ask, then I’ll leave her alone.”

 

Now his mother does look him in the eyes. “You are my son, nothing can possibly change that, but I _will_ protect Rey, even if that means protecting her from you.”

 

Even though he _knows_ he’s shown that his little family needs to be shielded from his black, broken episodes of madness, he can’t just let her leave. He has to try. Taking a deep breath, he yells out, “Rey! Rey! Please, I’m so sorry. I just want to talk-”

 

Swiftly, Chewie slips through the door and Leia retreats, closing the door with the lock engaging. Panic wells in Ben, fast and frantic. He’s cut off from Rey. Forcibly, he’s pulled into the memory of how Rey had shut the door to the _Falcon_ on him, how it had felt like she was cutting through _him_ with a jagged knife.

 

This is so much worse and this time he’s not going to just accept it.

 

“Rey!” he bellows as he pounds on the durasteel. “Rey!”

 

He tries to reach Rey through the Force, but he can’t feel _anything_. Looking around his mother’s office quickly, he begins to grab a chair to try and force his way through but then the chair falls from his hands as he sees what he’s doing.

 

This. This is why she doesn’t want to see him. This horrifying place where he can’t _think_ that takes hold, where all he can see is his rage and need.

 

Slowly he drops to the floor and his fractured thoughts start glinting through his mind.

 

How could he have thought Rey betrayed him? He knows full well you have no control over when a Force ghost appears. It all unspools in front of him, of course she didn’t tell him she was protecting their child from him.

 

Rey is _afraid_ of him and it’s entirely of his own doing.

 

\---

 

Chewie walks with her, his quiet presence giving her the strength to put one foot in front of the other. Occasionally she stumbles a bit over the uneven surface of the mine, but Chewie always catches her.

 

Halfway there, she finally chokes out, “How could he say that to me?”

 

Chewie lets out a mournful whimper and wraps his arm around her. They walk on.

 

\---

 

He’s not sure how long he’s been on the floor when he hears the lock snick open. Rey?

 

On his feet in a moment, he barrels through the door to find his mother on her knees quietly sifting through the destroyed mess he’d made of dinner. Ben’s eyes sweep the living room, desperate for Rey, but there’s no one else here. Maybe she’s in the bedroom.

 

He starts to walk towards the other room when his mother’s toneless voice stops him. “She’s gone.”

 

Gone? Gone?! What does that mean? His heart hammers in his chest, images of Rey flying away from him assaulting his brain. “Where?” he asks in a broken voice.

 

“New quarters. On the opposite end of the base from yours.”

 

She’s still here. She hasn’t left him … but … “Why?” he croaks.

 

Leia looks up at him slowly and only offers, “You know why.”

 

Ben stands, looking down on his mother’s kneeling form, his mind buzzing with questions and words and regrets but he doesn’t say anything. He watches as she reaches for half of a platter, her hand shaking.

 

Oh. Oh gods. Her Alderaanian china. Then he notices the silent tears falling down his mother’s face and it hits him that Rey is not the only one he’d wronged with his outburst. He goes to his knees across from her and begins to help her sort through the cracked remains of her childhood.

 

\---

 

Alone in her new room, Rey stands near the bed hugging herself tightly. Chewie had asked if she wanted him to stay but she’d said no. Now she wonders if that was a bad idea. It had been instinct, really. She’d never let Plutt see how much he hurt her once she was old enough to understand how he’d used it against her.

 

But Chewie is nothing like Plutt and now she wishes she’d let him comfort her. He never judges her, never questions her. Just nods and does what she’s asked. Just because Ben has rent her trust in two doesn’t mean everyone will.

 

Rey knows she’s broken, that she doesn’t understand so much of the _good_ in people. How could she? All she really knows is the beautiful stories the old women of Niima would tell. Stories of sacrifice, stories of redemption. Somehow it always worked out in the end and being kind was rewarded.  

 

She’s tried so hard to be like the stories. To help those she could, to give instead of take … Even if her happy ending doesn’t lie with Ben Solo, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing here for her.

 

Slowly, she lowers herself to her new bed and works her boots off. Rey curls around her abdomen and stares at the wall.

 

\---

 

“I’m sorry,” Ben finally whispers to his mother.

 

“For what?” Leia responds, her tone still lacking inflection.

 

There’s so many answers to that question. Everything he’s done to her or caused to happen to her … to Rey … his father … the galaxy …

 

Leia’s hands keep shaking as she continues to find the shattered shards of the precious china and Ben can’t find his voice, his throat closed and his lips trembling. Where can he possibly begin?

 

She’s begun to piece together plates and saucers, a tragic puzzle of everything he’s done. Swallowing thickly, he chokes out, “I can’t imagine what this china means to you. What I’ve done to you.”

 

Her small smile is so sad, her eyes brimming with tears, but there’s an odd hint of warmth hidden in their depths.

 

Her silence unnerves him so he tries again. “I can’t believe I’ve destroyed one of your last links to your parents-”

 

Leia shakes her head and takes in a breath, shaky and long. “No … this wasn’t theirs. The family china died with Alderaan. With them.”

 

Perhaps it’s not so bad then? If he can find another set, maybe this is one thing he can mend? But then her eyes grow unfocused and so bleak. “These … these were a gift from your father,” she murmurs, her voice so low he can barely hear her.

 

Yet hear her he does and once again he feels like a little boy who wrecks _everything._

 

“I … I … didn’t know.”

 

Now she looks at him sharply. “And would it have changed your behavior if you had? Thinking these came from my parents didn’t stop you.”

 

He just wants to be swallowed whole. Because she’s right. He didn’t think, he didn’t stop himself. He doesn’t know how.

 

Silently he gets to his feet and lets himself out of his mother’s quarters.

 

He won’t inflict himself on her further.

 

\---

 

The flutter under her palm jerks Rey from her numb trance. She has no idea how long she’s been staring at nothing. It could be a handful of minutes or hours.

 

Slowly she lets down her shields around her daughter and her heart breaks anew as her mind is flooded with her baby’s mournful cries.

 

_Papa … Papa … Papa …_

 

\---

 

Ben walks the base, keeping himself to the remote areas. The last thing anyone needs is to interact with _him_.

 

He has to catch himself with the wall when he hears her, the despondency nearly breaking him in half. His body sliding down the jagged rock, the tears finally break free.

 

_Papa … Papa … Papa …_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare for your always insightful comments. You're really good at wringing out that last little bit of angst from a scene.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for helping me gather the last of the supplies for the Reylo Reception at Star Wars Celebration. I cannot fathom a more supportive husband and partner.
> 
> Thank you Readers! It never ceases to amaze me that you bless me with your time and energy. I love you all very much. It's been very busy in my life; we bought a car and a house and I've been finalizing details for my little party. My apologies for not updating last week. I hope to manage a chapter in between running around the convention, but I've no idea if that's a pipe dream. *great big Perry hugs*


End file.
